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I stumbled across hidden videos in my girlfriends computer of her having sex with her ex

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 April 2017) 12 Answers - (Newest, 10 May 2017)
A male Canada age 26-29, *s754 writes:

I am engaged to my dream girl and our relationship is perfect. We've been together for 2 years now and We are the perfect couple... or so I thought.. Things changed when I found some things on her lap top.

I needed to finish up a report but forgot my laptop at work so I used hers quickly. When I was finished.. I played around, looking at some photos, listening to music she downloaded, etc.. then I stumbled upon a folder that looked like it was trying to be hidden. Against my better judgement I looked in the folder and there were several video files. I should have stopped snooping but I opened one of the videos.

I was horrified to find that it was a video of her having sex with her ex bf. All levels of them were.. there are about 20 differnt videos in total. My heart sank. I was crushed. I thought she was cheating on me but then I looked at the date of the file.. they were all before we started dating.A but of releif but I them got really angry...why is she keeping these??? A turned off the computer. I didn't know what to do at this point. I was considering confronting her when she got home but I never did. I acted as though everything was normal


Few days later, for whatever reason I watched the videos.. all of them.. then I realized something... The sex I was watching was far more passionate than anything I experienced with her. She seemed way more into it than with me. I have always been self conscious about my performance and size.... and the worst part is that he is better and bigger than me. She just seemed to enjoy him more than me.. I have never seen her like this with me.. not even close.

As the days passed I kept on going like nothing was wrong.. I wanted to confront her but didn't know what to say.. She night be furious at me for snooping... I found myself going back and watching the videos. I have no idea why.... The more I watched it.. the more inadequate I felt.. but I stated to become aroused by what I was watching. I felt guilty and wrong that I started enjoying this..watching her get some much pleasure from sex was such a turn on for me.

On the surface, our relationship is fine. We love each other more than ever. But I feel like I'm hiding this secret. I didn't know want to do.. should I tell her my feelings? Tell her that i saw the videos? There is such a range of emotions on going though. I feel insecure,inadequate but excited and turned on at he same time. I now often fantasize about here with other men and I can't even get aroused enough to have sex with her without thinking about her with other men first. I don't want to feel like this.. I want things the way they were.. I wish I could unsee what I saw.. I'm lost. don't know what to do.

View related questions: at work, crush, engaged, her ex, insecure

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2017):

I swear, it's in the DNA of guys to want to feel as if they are a better lover for their gf than her previous guys? In fact, I think it's in the DNA of all guys to want to believe that they fuck better than everyone. Guys have some sort of homo erotic thing going where out competing other males sexually is like the meaning in life. It's no wonder why guys are so preoccupied with sexual performance. as for the videos, you were wrong to snoop. On the other hand, I would be concerned about why she has these videos after being together with you for 2 years. Something is up. Maybe ask her if there is anything in your sex life that isn't satisfying her. Ask her how you can give her pleasure better. Tell her you want to try to be her dream lover, even though you may not always be perfect. It's the intention that counts.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

Considering you can't un-see what you've seen so many times; I guess you'll have to digest this like home-grown porn. You peeked and now you can't handle what you've seen. Talk about karma!!! You reap what you sow!

Snooping reveals things you don't want to know, can't handle, and will often destroy something good based on emotions you wouldn't have had, if you didn't go too far. Now your head is full of junk and you don't know what to do about it. So how much do you value what you do have? It was fine until you went through her private files.

First-off, on the average, grown-women who are not virgins have had previous lovers. They may have been better sex-partners and have bigger dicks. They are the past, and you are the present. You've brought to her life what other guys didn't, because they are exes in her past. You have been her constant for the past two years. Maybe she's finally happy. Sex isn't the only thing she wants and needs from a man.

Maybe she doesn't seem as passionate; because you're so selfish or insecure you don't perform at your best. Not her fault, or that of those in her past. Now you have motivation to do better. You're as good of a lover as you want to be. Penis-size doesn't determine how passionate you are.

If she breaks-up with you, some new dude will be looking back at you with the same feelings. Was he better, more passionate, or made her happier than I do? It's a guy thing.

I guess at this point, you may as well come clean and tell her what you've seen and how you feel. You won't clear your head until you confess your sinful snooping; and get a band-aid put on your ego. You need her to reassure you how she feels about you now. He's an ex. You can both now decide together what to do with the sex videos. Women have a thing about their exes and keepsakes. Even stuff like that.

If you get jealous of videos from the past, don't even entertain the though of watching your girl with some other guy. Nothing is worse than men who introduce all sorts of crap borrowed from porn and extreme sex-fantasies into their real relationships. Then they can't handle the very monsters they've created.

Either bury it, or open-up to her about it. Don't fight her about keeping it; because you've evened the score when you snooped. So ask nicely if she would delete them.

Man-up and keep your penis-envy and insecurities in-check.

You described a good relationship and will sabotage the hell out of it with your adolescent jealousy. Yes, it is a shock because it's not something you would expect. But it is what it is.

By the way, how do you know she wasn't faking and just putting on an extra dramatic performance for the sake of the video? Obviously she was aware their sex was being recorded on video, and had to perform accordingly.

She's busted, and now you have some leverage. Handle with care. You could blow something really good, if you don't handle this sensibly.

If you can get past this. Move on. It's now recorded in your brain.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

You are in the swamp and ass deep in alligators but it's not to late to get out. Seems to me you have to confess to your gf and beg forgiveness. Hopefully she'll forgive you and you can work through your feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Of course you are going to have to work hard to regain her trust.

But remember this she chose you not the ex!

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

I accept the fact that I may not be the best sex partner has ever had. I don't know whether I am or not, but I accept that I may not be. Of course every guy wants to be. But, there are other things I want too, and I don't let them bother me.

To be honest, my wife would rather have decent sex and a husband that cleans the house, than mind blowing sex with a husband who sits around all day.

Don't worry about the videos turning you on, that's totally normal. You were an idiot for watching them, though.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017):

Good luck saving this one. The sexual inadequacy is hard to deny when you've seen it with your own eyes.

I doubt the "she chose you" argument will ever make you feel any better. Women always say that thinking it's going to help but it never does. That is a male-female difference.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

YouWish agony auntAhh, now THIS one is complicated. I like the complicated questions on here!

Everything was all straightforward - you were upset about her keeping old sex videos either inadvertently or deliberately, but the real complication was that watching it evoked some really untidy emotions from you that are truly unsettling.

I won't even go into the snooping bit, because frankly, I want to get to the good stuff in this question, but suffice it to say, this falls under the "Never be so eager to learn a secret - discovering it will change your life". This one sure has.

It would be so easy to tell her, to get her answer to why she's kept them, but now they've become YOUR dirty little secret, that you're getting off on her with someone else. This is actually a common fetish, called "cuckolding", meaning watching your partner having sex with another. In this case, you get your cake and eat it too because you get the thrill of the cuckold, yet she's not actually cheating on you.

So you have a choice here. If you deal with this conventionally, she'll probably say that she forgot those were there and delete them for you. However, that doesn't unscramble the egg of your actually LIKING the video. It's safe to say that things can't go back the way they were.

So it's decision time. You know she hasn't cheated. You have three choices:

1. Tell her what you saw and ask her to get rid of them. She will most likely freak out, apologize profusely, and then comply. This could lead to a conversation about her passion for you in bed, which could ultimately strengthen your relationship.

2. Tell her EVERYTHING, including your feelings of arousal upon seeing her with the guy. This will lead to a much longer discussion and could open the door which could lead to self-discovery for you, but has a high probability of eventually destroying the relationship, as asking for threesomes, or cuckolding, or that sort of thing is fun for fantasy, but not the best for a monogamous relationship.

3. Tell her NOTHING. Keep it your dirty secret and consider yourself even. She had the secret of the videos that was either inadvertently forgotten about or deliberately kept (I'm guessing you can't know now, since you accessing them now erased knowledge of when SHE last accessed them. If she had accessed them for the final time BEFORE your relationship, I'd chalk it up to accidental forgetting. If she had accessed them recently, then that's a different issue), and now YOU have the secret of them being perhaps the most erotic life-altering thing you've ever seen. Now both of you have little secrets. I see this option as having the possibility of a ticking time bomb, and she very well could see that they had been accessed recently by you. The fact that she hasn't said anything may in fact mean that she doesn't think about it. So, I don't see this as any permanent solution...merely one that buys you time.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntYou can't un-ring the bell. You have the image in your head of her as the star of a porno and it's turning you on. That's something that will likely get worse as you fantasize about it. Even if you wind up breaking up over it, I suspect the image of your girlfriend doing another guy will still be a turn-on for you and will infect your next relationship as well unless you find a way to control it. Feeding the fetish may lead to you wanting to see it for real and start pushing you toward a threesome or something. It can easily spiral out of control.

Telling her may bring your perspective back, but you have to be prepared for her to break up with you over it. I think you have to be matter of fact about it. Tell her that you used her laptop to do your work, you started looking for music, and you found the videos. Tell her you apologize and you shouldn't have done it because it was none of your business, but you did, and while you feel ashamed, you can't un-see it. Tell her that you'll understand if she wants to dump you over this. Basically, you're at her mercy now.

Whatever you do, don't try to defend yourself or try to lecture her about her lack of computer security. You deserve whatever punishment she dishes out. Also, don't bring up your new fetish. That's your problem to deal with, not hers. Don't discuss how you feel unless she asks you. If she asks how you feel, I guess you'll have to be honest with her and you'll have to tell her that it turns you on to see her enjoying sex like that. However, this fetish can lead to very bad things, especially if she's turned on by the idea that it turns you on. On the one hand, it may enhance your sex life and unlock a little animal passion, on the other, it can lead to threesomes and the destruction of your relationship. Be very careful about feeding this fetish, as it can easily destroy your relationship if it's not kept under tight control.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (19 April 2017):

Phil052 agony aunt"There is such a range of emotions on going though. I feel insecure, inadequate but excited and turned on at he same time".

This to me is the interesting part of your post. There is a real mixed bag of emotions raging inside of you, not all of them negative! The fact that seeing your girlfriend enjoying sex with an ex has aroused you suggests to me that you can deal with this situation. I suggest you talk openly to her about what you have seen, admit you shouldn't have looked but couldn't help it, and don't criticise her, because after all, she hasn't cheated on you. I honestly think you can deal with this!

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (19 April 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntOk here's my take on the situation.

Let's leave aside the snooping for a moment here and focus on your insecurities.

You (understandably) have a huge problem with the fact that she was enjoying herself a lot more with the ex. We don't know what the truth is but keep a few things in mind here.

First, he's her EX and obviously the fact that she has chosen you over him means that you and your relationship mean more to her than the previous one.

Second, when people are aware that there is a camera recording them, their behavior changes or alters. Very rarely do we not "perform" when we are aware of the fact that we are being clicked. You don't normally sit and smile at nothing do you? But you'd sit and do that for a camera when you're being clicked. Similarly, when she knew that the sex act was being recorded, her expressions and oohs and aahs were more pronounced than they would normally be. It's almost a certainly.

Third, let's for a very brief moment assume that she enjoyed more with him. Now unless you've lived under a rock you've have watched FRIENDS right? Do you remember Rachel and Paolo? Ross gets insecure when Rachel tells him that she and Paolo had "animal sex" but then she goes on to explain to him that while the sex with Paolo was good, what she and Ross had was so much better. Isn't that what's important for you too?

And lastly, the mind is a very powerful organ and because you think that she enjoyed herself more with the other dude, you're now assuming that he was bigger and better. Because that seed of insecurity has now been planted, it's growing fast and furiously and your mind is thinking what you've conditioned it to think.

Now at the end of all this, here's what I think you should do.

Tell her the truth, ask her to delete the videos and don't allow this incident? to become a full blown perversion.

You can move ahead only of you want to and allow yourself to.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (19 April 2017):

N91 agony auntI'm with the other posters, you need to talk to her or you will be driven mad.

Get her side of the story and maybe you can move past it.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (19 April 2017):

chigirl agony auntOh man. You just doomed your relationship. First you lied to your girlfriend about not having found the videos. Then you went and WATCHED them. One thing is she shouldn't have them in the first place. Fair enough. But you should not have looked at them. They were not made for you to see. They were private, still, even if she should not have had them. You really crossed the line here, and for what purpose? Of course you think she is more passionate with him, of course you find him bigger, because by your own admittance you are insecure in this department! Insecurity will make you look at any video and think the people involved are bigger and having it better than with you. That's insecurity talking.

You haven't measured up your penis with her ex's, you can't possibly know if he's bigger, and even so: bigger isn't always better. Size does not matter when it comes to how much sex in enjoyed, for either partner.

You "feel like" you are hiding this secret? You are hiding a secret!!!! You violated her trust, you snooped, you went into something so private that can be compared to reading her diary! You crossed the line of deal breaking, you committed actions people will end relationships over! Of course you feel like you are hiding something, you ARE hiding something.

It's time to fess up. Talk to her about this. Admit to what you did. And ask her why she kept those videos. See what happens and take it from there. And forget about having your relationship back to what it was, that can never happen. Embrace the fact that you need to adapt to the new phase of the relationship, if you want it to survive.

And comfort yourself with the fact that no relationship is perfect, ever. Every couple and every person has their own issue, so don't make the mistake of putting her, or your relationship, on a pedestal of perfection. If you do that, you will always be disappointed.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017):

You need to tell her what you saw or it will drive you insane, tell her how it makes you feel ..but don't worry to much about performance as its different with every lover and she may enjoy your loving sex much more so don't worry maybe her ex made her act more passionately for the video

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