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When I try to talk to my girlfriend about her flaws it always turns into an argument

Tagged as: Dating, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 April 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Okay so i have a girlfriend and i love her to bits but sometimes she can doing very annoying things, but whenever i bring them up she acts like its a massive problem and it always turns into an argument.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou pick out her flaws, but do you also remind her why you are with her, what good qualities she has, and why you love being with her?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

If she has too many faults or flaws to your satisfaction; maybe she's the wrong girl for you. It's equally annoying having someone criticizing you all the time.

She's a person. Not a reconstruction project that you can tear-down and remodel according to your own construction plans. Find someone who is already the kind of girl you want; with less flaws and less annoying.

You're a very young man. You have enough on your hands keeping your own life together without taking on the responsibility of being a father to someone about your own age.

If you're always dwelling on her flaws and imperfections, that's good reason to kick you to the curb. I think she'll get tired of you always being annoyed with her, and go find herself somebody else.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 April 2017):

olderthandirt agony auntDUH... learn from this,,, NO ONE wants to have their "flaws" pointed out and Two; You are working under the misconception that you are perfect when you address someone about their imperfections. i.e. Judgmental comments evoke a bad reaction so quit it.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (19 April 2017):

chigirl agony aunt.... This is such an obvious rookie mistake that someone who has never been in a relationship before always does: try to change the person they are with.

Stop trying! You can't change a person! Nor should you try to. Nor is it your job to. Nor are you entitled to make suggestions or "help" them improve, or try to remove their annoying habits. Just stop trying to do this!

You either are with someone, package deal and take them as they are, annoying habits included, or you leave them the heck alone. Really. That's how it works. That's why finding the right person to be in a relationship with, let alone get married to, is such a difficult thing to do and takes years and years of searching. If it was as simple as just taking any random person, and altering them, changing them, into the person you would like them to be, then we would all be married by the age of 16 and there would be no divorces ever.

But reality is this: YOU CAN NOT CHANGE SOMEONE. You must accept them 100% AS THEY ARE, or you must end the relationship. No buts. No exceptions. If she annoys you, end the relationship.

Finding the right person for you is only half the trouble, though. The other half of this is that you need to work on yourself and learn how to be patient, how to respect your partner (despite disagreeing with them), how to not let yourself get annoyed easily, how to embrace differences and how to compromise. Only people who learn to do these things will have successful and lasting relationships/marriages. Because even if you find someone who is so perfect for you, and just right for you, they will STILL come with annoying habits and have imperfections and negative qualities and there will be things you don't agree on. So you can never find someone who is your mental identical twin who looks exactly to your taste and behaves exactly as you please. So even if you find someone great, perfect match for you, you STILL need to have patience, be respectful, compromise and be mild tempered and not easily annoyed.

Realize that whether or not you get annoyed is a choice YOU make. Really, it is. It's not something others do to you. It's a way you CHOOSE to react. For example, some people are annoyed is someone talks to loudly on the bus. But other simply ignore it. You CAN choose to not get annoyed, and just ignore it instead. The person who learns how to ignore it will, in the end, be a happier person.

So either learn to ignore her annoying habits, or break up. Those are your only options. Bringing it up with her in the hopes of changing it? Pointless. She will not change, and you will only end up in arguments over and over and cause friction and resentment and hurt and pain. To no gain. Whats so ever. Absolutely pointless.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSo what are her flaws?

Do YOU have any flaws that you would LIKE for her to discuss?

Some people don't like to be criticized by the people who claim to love them and some don't like "constructive" criticism either - I think it comes down to HOW you bring it up and WHAT it is you go on about regarding her flaws.

NOONE is perfect, you know that? right?

And ARE these "flaws" a BIG deal in the bigger picture? If so maybe it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

And MAYBE you need to learn to accept that it's NOT your job to "train" her to be someone you want her to be, she IS who she is... flaws and all.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 April 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntAre these "very annoying things" deal breakers for you? If so, you may as well get out of the relationship NOW because it does not sound like she has any intention of changing. If not, learn ways of not letting them annoy you so much. Remember, we can't control what people do but we CAN control how we react. Are they things you could condition yourself to laugh at rather than getting annoyed?

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (19 April 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWe ALL do things that annoy other people to varying degrees ... so really we need a little bit more information about the sorts of things you find annoying.

Me, I would find it very difficult to stay in a relationship with somebody who picked their nose and ate it in front of me.

The problem could be with you, and the way you start the conversation about the annoying things she does that turns them into arguments.

A few more details would be helpful in providing some feedback to you.

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