A
male
age
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*uriousDave
writes:Ok .. complicated, but serious question. Just 5 months into a new relationship (which was going very, very well) my girlfriend was diagnosed with breast cancer. Through surgery .. then 4 months of chemo, she is now cancer free .. yet doing 6 weeks (30 treatments) of radiation.The chemo affected her terribly .. threw her into menopause .. and has caused her to pull away .. though she is still very involved in my life. It just seems that she comes and goes with her emotions. She is a very, very busy lady with her two daughters .. but our relationship is just now a great friendship.My question .. how long do I wait for this to maybe come back to a full relationship? I know she feels insecure about her not having hair (but she knows I don't care about that .. its coming back) and she is insecure about her gaining a little weight (very little .. which she has almost lost all of it). I love her vey much, and she knows it .. but I need her back. This has been this way for some 5 months now.What do I do? I want her back 100% in my life .. and my partner and companion .. but I also don't want to wait years as "a friend" either.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): There are two parts of this on her part: a physical part and a psychological part.
Physically, what chemo does is alter the way the body's cells replicate, primarily fast-splitting cells like hair, ova in the ovaries, and some others that often have a lot to do with how you feel day to day. So, physically, she may not feel too sexy because, frankly, her body is telling her it's still not completely well.
Psychologically, her mind reads this and adds to it the "threats" to her femininity (and emotional identity) that came with breast cancer surgery and the loss of her hair and an early (temporary?) onset of menopause. This is what is probably the big impact on the relationship.
This may or may not become a permanent fixture of her relationships...
My suggestion to you is--if you're willing to try to make things work--to consider the following:
1. This may or may not be permanent, but it's likely to result in some sort of change. Natural menopause tends to change things. Threats to one's identity tends to change things. Perception of our own mortality tends to change things and this was all three.
2. If you want the sexual end of the relationship to come back, you need to (re-connect) on the emotional side of the house, re-establish that you do, in fact, find her sexy and you aren't forcing it, and give her the chance to adjust to her new reality. Something you might try is addressing whatever seems to be the most worrisome to her up front.
Consider it a show of solidarity and maybe cut your hair off too. If there's a weight issue in her mind, participate in her means to get it off (diet, exercise with her). As much as you can, be in the same place she is.
3. Keep some humor as well. Humor helps people adjust and "de-stress" many situations.
So, good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): I agree with taking a break for a while and caring for yourself, being in this situation is not easy for you either, and you're being attacked here maybe because of the way you've focused on the sexuality it seems and expecting some sort of time table for your needs to be met again. I personally would not do this though, I would be there for my love through everything, the good and the bad. I realize you feel you've lost her, maybe it's not just the sex you're talking about here, but the whole relationship of you two as a couple. Maybe you can express these feelings to her and say you feel shut out and even if you could just lay in bed with her and hold her that would be great, but don't push anything sexual with her. If you really love her, then think of how you're going to feel if you abandon her now and she dies, or if she lives and moves on, you will have lost the love of your life because you couldn't be strong enough to put her needs first, which imo they should come first now.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 February 2012):
 "how long do I wait for this to maybe come back to a full relationship?" As long as you can stand it. If you are reaching the end of your rope on this, acknowledge these feelings. If it has become too difficult for you, then admit it out loud to yourself.
I think people who are caretakers often try to become too selfless. You have to take care of yourself in order to be an effective caretaker. I'm not saying that you have to go find someone too have sex with, what I'm suggesting is that you give yourself a bit of time away from the disease and all the treatment aftermath. You need a bit of 'me' time, away from the situation, to recharge your batteries and clear your head.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with wanting more intimacy. What would be wrong would be to force a woman who is battling an awful diagnosis into being YOUR caretaker. Her resources are stretched too thin to have to give you 'sexual healing.' Sorry.
"I need her back. This has been this way for some 5 months now." Some people are deployed in harm's way for longer than 5 months. Think of your girlfriend as being caught up in a battle, not of her choice, and she has been deployed. She can't be with you in the way you would like.
Your needs are important, yes, but in this instance, I think her need to continue with her treatment and face the disease trumps yours. You may be beside her and very, very selfless in this, I think that is great. But you can't quit that now. You took on the caretaker role and now that it's stretching out longer than you are happy with, you have to decide if you can continue that.
I think some time-out for you, a bit of a break from care taking, would be a good idea.
Cancer respects no timelines, no ultimatums, it doesn't care how inconvenient or toxic the treatment. The timing is lousy for you, but this stuff happens. Be honest about your limitations and cut yourself a break, just as you realize that she is fighting the battle of her life. Breast cancer and the associated surgeries, chemo and radiation does ZERO for making a woman feel sexual. Yes, it would be nice if she could just show you some physical affection, but the fact of the matter is that you are asking for too much from her right now. To quote a famous philosopher, you can't always get what you want. But, if you try sometime, you might just find, you get what you need. In this case, the caretaker will have to find his own caretakers. It's tough, but at least you have the luxury of doing this while you yourself are healthy.
Here are some links for you to think about yourself in that caretaker role and I expect you can find local support groups for men (or women) in your situation: http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/MainMenu/Family-Friends/Caregiving/Tips-for-Caregivers.html
http://www.livestrong.org/What-We-Do/Our-Actions/Programs-Partnerships/Cancer-Transitions
http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/Caregivers/index?ssSourceSiteId=null
Good luck to you and I hope your girlfriend's cancer doesn't recur.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 I feel I have to add something.
I do realize how tough all this is also for you , not only for her, because I know how hard it is to be watching powerless when a loved one is suffering .
Yet... you sound rather clueless. Not selfish in a mean way , probably, but clueless and superficial in a juvenile way.
So, she is not having yet / won't have in future bad side effects from radiations ? Maybe. Hopefully. Let's all wish for that.
And, what about the side effects of having been diagnosed with cancer, and having been told that there's a good chance you won't see your daughters grow up, you won't know your grandchildren , etc.. ?. That must be bliss for a woman's libido, I bet it really brings sex and romance to the forefront.
I have a good friend who 6 years ago was diagnosed with breast cancer, operated and treated for it. She is still with us and feeling good, so, even if with cancer reoccurrences are far from unheard of, reason for which she is still regularly monitored and checked up etc.,.. let's say : so far so good. She is a very strong,positive woman, with a great family and a prospering business to run, so she leads a busy and happy life. Yet, every now and then, she STILL wakes up sobbing in the middle of the night ,because she has dreamed that she must tell her teen age daughter that maybe mom will have to say bye.
Look, this is a situation that leaves even the patient's parents , or lifelong partner, frazzled and unsettled, and nobody would judge you too harshly, I think, if you'd feel that you can't quite handle it and after just a few months of dating you don't feel involved / committed enough to go through all this turmoil. But, if you do decide you want to stand by her - then stand by her like the grown up man you are, not like some horny teenager whose main concern in life is getting "action ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): Radiation treatments do have side effects, fatigue, anemia and other effects depending on what type of cancer is treated. My father had radiation treatments over a year ago for prostate cancer and he still has side effects. And she is still in the side effects of chemo such as chemically induced meno as well as worrying about whether she will even live through this probably. You do sound terribly selfish and out of touch to be wondering when she will be able to and feel like having sex with you again. Maybe you're not cut out for really being there for her? If you love her just be there for her and do whatever she needs, hug her, love her, do what she needs and take care of your own needs until she is through the major part of this. It might be good for her to have sex if she feels up to it and has desire as the orgasms would be healing, but she just may not be able to do that now. I'm not sure how everyone reacts with their sexuality when being treated for cancer, but chemically induced meno is a hell in itself and her hormones are all over the place I'm sure. Due to the breast cancer she probably can't use hrt to help those symptoms.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): You say the radiation has no side effects.
She just started. She may also have effects and not be telling you.
SHE WILL HAVE BURNED SKIN.
SHE WILL BE TIRED. She will have to treat her skin. Every patient's side effects can vary. Farther into treatment she will be VERY tired. She needs help.
For the record--you are great to stand by. For the record--you should.
She WILL NOT want to be fondled when she has laid on a table in a bit open room in front of quite a few techs---including men---bare chested and hit with rays while praying this works. Also, every cancer patient fears a lot of things that those closest to them DO NOT understand. It is great that you are 'close' but she is alone in a lot of this. Love her and be there and when she is better you will celebrate all levels of life. It is selfish to complain about the not having your needs met. Hang in there and consider the fortune you have to grow also in this experience.
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female
reader, Latti +, writes (5 February 2012):
CuriousDave...I appreciate you for standing by her side through such a life altering challenge. A family member of mine went through the same thing & it not only affects the person, but also, those close to them.
I hear you & your human and I would encourage you to stay prayerful & strong. Just like your worried about losing her..she's twice as worried about losing you & her life!
Even though she seems fine..emotionally she's going through a lot!!! Her family, security, will the cancer return & if it does....will he still be here. I guarantee you, losing your hair & menopause on top of cancer is a real blow to a woman's self-esteem.
Continue to be loving, telling her every step of the way that you are here for her & not leaving her side. BE PATIENT!!! Just like after a woman has a baby...she needs time to heal.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 February 2012):
 Just the fact that it threw her (as you put it) into menopause means HUGE changes, hormones are funny things.
How long will it take? Who knows? She won't be called "cancer free" for another 7-12 months. For some getting cancer is a wake up call for others it is a reminder of their own mortality.
I'm sorry but you sound really selfish and well, callus. The cancer isn't about YOU.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): Bless you and do you have brothers?? Your girlfriend has a few issues. It is complicated to return to 'normal' with the hormonal changes and hair loss. Reassuring her in various ways, including passionate hugging if she will particpate, that she is beautiful and more importantly loved and desired. She feels insecure and I am guessing fears that if things started physically you may back off when she finds she is inadequate. Not that she will be, she fears this. Continue to love her and be patient. I think being harsh with a good man, as the writer above has attacked you, is not acceptable. Yes, radiation dehumanizes patients but you would not know that. Have you asked her to share openly about the truth of her medical journey? If this can be shared and you can give her love about that, she may relax to be at least a cuddler. She is worried about dying and leaving her children. She must be grateful to have you, just be patient with her. If you guys can get through this you have an amazing life to share! I can tell you that most women patients fear nobody will love them. So hang in there and find intimacy to start with in the sharing and see what can happen. You won't have mind blowing sex, but you may find a love that is quite a life gift. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): Bless you and do you have brothers?? Your girlfriend has a few issues. It is complicated to return to 'normal' with the hormonal changes and hair loss. Reassuring her in various ways, including passionate hugging if she will particpate, that she is beautiful and more importantly loved and desired. She feels insecure and I am guessing fears that if things started physically you may back off when she finds she is inadequate. Not that she will be, she fears this. Continue to love her and be patient. I think being harsh with a good man, as the writer above has attacked you, is not acceptable. Yes, radiation dehumanizes patients but you would not know that. Have you asked her to share openly about the truth of her medical journey? If this can be shared and you can give her love about that, she may relax to be at least a cuddler. She is worried about dying and leaving her children. She must be grateful to have you, just be patient with her. If you guys can get through this you have an amazing life to share! I can tell you that most women patients fear nobody will love them. So hang in there and find intimacy to start with in the sharing and see what can happen. You won't have mind blowing sex, but you may find a love that is quite a life gift. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Unsparing +, writes (5 February 2012):
Advice from a guy your age: If stay by your girlfriend's side and support her unconditionally through this ordeal, once she fully recovers the sex will be a thousand times better than you could ever imagine. In the meantime, God gave every guy a right (or left) hand. Use it and stop whining.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Sorry OP I didn't see your update. Look cancer is rough on EVERYONE, it's incredibly hard on people around. If you were asking how to cope emotionally it would be one thing, but the sex thing... You should get yourself to a therapist to talk about how to handle this.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 She's still in treatment, she hasn't even finished... I know you think your caring, but we aint seeing much of that here.
I think she's a bit busy worrying about not dying. Let her at least finish treatment and have some time to recover before asking us about when you two can get closer.
You say you understand... 5 months, still in treatment and your upset about being ignored... nope, I don't think you do.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 February 2012):
Your girlfriend is struggling with a life threatening illness and a treatment that is so bad it's not unheard of for people to simply give up on it and quit because it's just so horrible to go through.
I don't even know how else to respond to this, your girlfriend is going through one of the worst experiences physically that anyone can experience, is in danger of dying, and you're concerned about the lack of sex WHILE she's still in treatment? How selfish can you get! I understand you haven't been together that long, but seriously?
How would you feel if you were told you had a good chance of dying, your hormones went into the garbage, you looked like a sick person, and had to go through the most physically and emotionally tolling treatment your body can go through (probably making you vomit or feel like vomiting a lot and feel sick all the time), were launched prematurely into menopause (try to think what that must feel like to a woman), still had to do two demanding jobs (work for pay and taking care of two kids), and then on top of it had to worry about putting out enough?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 February 2012):
She is a cancer PATIENT ( sorry but at this time she can't be called cancer-free ) undergoing radiation- just after a cycle of chemo, and artificially induced menopause... and you are pouting because she does not give you enough in terms of attention and, I suppose, sex ? ..And hasn't snapped back to her usual cheerful self yet in, what, all of 5 months ?...
Now I've heard them all. This one takes the cake even by Dear Cupid's unusual standards.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 February 2012):
 She is going to need a lot more time that 5 months to get over having cancer and all the affects from the treatment.
To be honest, if you really loved her, you'd wait a lifetime. Thats just how it is. Breaking up with her now could trigger it all off again so if you are going to walk (and I really think you shouldn't) you will need to pick your moment.
I suggest you look online at some cancer support groups and ask people who have been through it with their wives and partners to see how people coped.
If you were recovering from cancer, and your partner asked you 'how long until you are back to normal because I am feeling pushed out'...what would you say?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): She's probably just stressed, let her get back on her feet and take care of herself first
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male
reader, CuriousDave +, writes (4 February 2012):
CuriousDave is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy question was very short obviously .. trying to put months of this situation in a coupld of paragraphs. Obviously I know what shes been going through .. and is still going throuh all of this time. I have been there for her, every ounce, every step of the way. She has only had 8 of the scheduled 30 radiation treatments, and NO, the side effects of her radiation has not, nor according the the doctor will affect her until about 3 weeks into it. It has not affected her in any way.
I have been through all of the emotional stress and ups and downs with her I could possibly be there for .. trust me on that one. So please .. don't tell me I don't know .. or I don't understand ... I do.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2012):
 She is having radiation treatments.. have you looked at the side effects of radiation?
The woman is tired and not feeling good and overwhelmed emotionally. She's also not CANCER free.... she won't even be in remission for a year..... goodness...
how would you feel if we had cut open your scrotum, given you medication to KILL things in your body both good and bad and then weekly we made you lay on a table while we radiated your crotch?
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