A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone, new member here in need of some help!Background: Me (22), GF (19) Been together since Nov 2012, already in love. Lost my virginity to her (saving myself for someone special, she didn't know I was), she has now had 6 sexual partners; but I'm the best she's had she says - I'm a quick learner! Anyway, she's gone home for the Christmas period (she's one nationality and I'm another) and we've talked about a lot of stuff whilst she's been away. She told me that she's bi curious and has always thought about trying it out with a girl. She assures me that she's attracted to males (especially me), but appreciates beautiful girls, and if they're exceptionally attractive she might feel attracted but that any girl would. She says her fantasy is to have a threesome with me and another girl. I said I wasn't completely sure on the idea and that I might eventually want to, but I can't stand the thought of her being touched and kissed by anyone else (male or female), it makes me feel horrible inside. I believe a relationship and sex should be between 2 people that love each other- I think that by having a threesome would cheapen the sex between the two of us in some way. I must admit I'm a bit worried- e.g. that she'll end up preferring the girl to me and leaving me? Although she says that she can separate a purely sexual experience from an emotional one, and that she loves me and no one can replace me. I've been understanding and told her my concerns and said that if even after time I still didn't want to do it, she could possibly experience it on her own, but she said she would never do it without me and that I'm far more important and we have a great time on our own.A three some may be some men's dream right? I've thought about it, but I don't think I could do it with my girlfriend who I love- but I want to do everything I can to make her the happiest she can be I'm curious about what it’s like to be with other woman, but I would never do that because I love her. I'm not sure what she thinks she'll get from doing this, she’s told be around 10 different women (actresses) that she finds hot, so I’d actually say she already is a bisexual, but still wants to do it. In my eyes in that sense it’s just like her wanting to try it with another guy.We've talked about it on a couple of occasions now, she says if I don't want to that’s fine, she'd still be happy- but her ex agreed to do it and then chickened out and then had a massive argument; so I know this is something she really wants to try. Is it true that no relationship is the same after a threesome?And that most end soon after them? I love her so much; I don’t want to do anything that could jeopardise our relationship. She’s not interested in having one right at this moment, but says she’s wanted to do for 3 years now and is something she wants to try in the future, as long as I’m there with her when it happens. What can I do to feel okay about this?It feels better already, just to get it out! I don't know what I'm asking for, but any comments or ideas or help would be greatly appreciated!
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cheap, christmas, her ex, lost my virginity, period, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): You were a virgin, waiting for the right one (good for you!). This girl sounds like her priorities are way out of order. I don't know ANYONE who's ever had a threesome and while they may be a fantasy, most fantasies are NOT meant to be acted out. I feel terrible for you because you feel uncomfortable by this. You saved yourself for a reason- sex should ONLY be with a person you love and should ONLY make you feel good. This 3some will be bad for you. Your girlfriend sounds like she is super confused but you don't need a girl like this OP!!I really think threesomes are degrading for all involved and I think it could turn out very negatively for you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): She had 5 previous partners by 19 and you stayed a virgin until 21. Your sexual values are different from hers, to put it mildly. This threesome question is one way that difference is showing up. Sex is not tied to feelings for her the way it is for you. Such different sexual histories are a bad sign for compatibility. People love to say "the past doesn't matter" but you get different pasts by being different people. I'm not saying your relationship cannot work but its something to think about.
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A
female
reader, Kell0804  +, writes (4 January 2013):
Build your relationship then in 6 months rediscuss it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2013):
 I am a bisexual woman.
I've had threesomes with previous partners (both ffm and mfm) and I really think that if one partner does not feel comfortable with it then it should not be done.
FWIW, even though I am bisexual I am only with my current partner now. He is ok with my finding a woman for me to play with but I refuse. I do not wish to share him and therefore I will not allow myself the same...
I am more than willing to give up all other partners (male and female) for a monogamous relationship.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (4 January 2013):
 Given your view of sex and relationships my advice is to decline the request once and for all. You don't know what you'll want six months or six years from now, but you can always change your mind and re-open the dialogue then. Making it a firm no relieves both of you of the pressure of lingering expectations. And it gives you a chance to see whether she lives up to her assurances.
Euphoric's answer is helpful and insightful I think, but I also agree with RJ in that the timing is a bit concerning. You've only been dating for weeks and presumably you're still in that infatuation phase, yet she's already thinking ahead to sex with others. You have known each other far longer, correct? After what you said about waiting for that special someone I can't imagine you decided to give your virginity to a person you've only known a few weeks.
A bisexual person is romantically and sexually attracted to both men and women and could date and marry either. If her crushes are all on men and she could only ever be involved with a man then she isn't really bisexual. She's merely curious and in search of adventure.
In my opinion the benefits are very short term, but the the potential problems are long term and could even bring about the end of the relationship.
At the end of the day it comes down to a cost/benefit analysis. Does the risk outweigh the potential reward?
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (4 January 2013):
 You've been in this relationship for a little over 2 months, you haven't even had the chance to explore eachother sexually or learn about eachother emotionally.
You don't know where you each stand on the level of commitment and you don't even know if you're compatible at this stage, you could be so infatuated now then 6 months down the line you might realise you're not right for eachother at all, not saying it will, but it happens.
Its far too early in the relationship to be thinking about experimenting with bringing another person into the mix, the fact that you're raising so many doubts about it tells me you probably already know this.
I think you should learn to enjoy eachother before you start trying to fulfill the sexual fantasies of one another if you want this relationship to last.
Use this period of time to get to know eachother inside and out, focus on what you as an person can offer to her to make her happy, rather than how happy you and another person can simultaneously.
Good luck
x
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (4 January 2013):
 That is a bit cheeky of her to ask if you've only been together since nov!!
Unfortunately if her desire to be with a woman is that strong, long term you will either have to give in and bring other women into your relationship or let her go. So I suppose in the mean time say no to the threesome and hope she will choose you over a woman. She might just like the idea of it but not the reality, only time will tell...
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 January 2013):
Hi there,
As a single bisexual I've made out with couples and I didn't find it made their relationship bad. But it was weird for me, to focus on two people at the same time (although it can also be thrilling). So I am pretty undecided about whether I like threesomes, actually. And I guess they have the potential to bring up feelings of jealousy.
What I can say is that, if I'm in love with a man, I don't think I would leave him for a girl that I'd have a threesome with. And the other way around. I'm pretty sure I could separate a sexual experience from love. And I'd be very grateful to a guy who'd allow me that experience.
For me, women and men are very different in the way they have sex and I just enjoy both ways very much. But in my heart, I can still love my partner and be sure of that.
The problem with your girlfriend is, that she doesn't know yet how important sexuality and love with a woman are to her. So she can't guarantee you there won't be no feelings involved. Since you'd share her first experience with a woman, it might have a bigger impact on her than she thought. Or, on the other hand, she might come to realise that it's really not her pair of shoes and that she won't miss it if she never does it again.
It's up to you, really. You need to decide if your trust in her love is strong enough and if you can live with the thought of a threesome. If you can't, make it very clear to her. She will have to decide what's important for her.
Should you decide to have a threesome, make sure you have it with a stranger or acquaintance, e.g. a woman you meet at a club. If it's a good friend of yours or hers, things can get weird. Also, I wouldn't plan a threesome, it has to happen spontaneously and with all people in the mood for it.
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