A
male
age
41-50,
*emini0524
writes:I think my girlfriend is insecure. To be fair here, I am a 39 separated guy. I have been separated for a while from my wife and it was by my choice and her and DO NOT want to work it out but there is a child between us. I am in the construction field and really took a financial hit when the economy fell apart. I am trying to get back on my feet so I can get a lawyer. I will be fighting for custody of my daughter and it wont be cheap. Meanwhile, I have been dating a friend that I have known for 14 years.We have been together for 7 months now and things seems to be getting worse. I really do love this girl, but she gets upset when I have any contact with my soon to be ex. Sh gets upset if I talk to any girl. I reassure her constantly that I want to start a new life with her and would love a couple more kids and-I am being serious. She is beautiful and has a really great side that I love to be around, but she gets these "feelings" that I am cheating on her and she starts accusing of things Im not doing. She tells me how she "knows " how I feel about someone and it ends up me trying to convince her I dont feel the way she says I do. It gets really bad at times. One time, one of my oldest friends dropped me off lunch at work because I was working within 15 mins of her house. Her boyfriend was fine with her doing it. But when my girlfriend asked me in an argument over another girl, I said no, because I just didnt want to fight about something that was innocent. Well she found out and now Im liar in any argument we have. She now feels that this girl betrayed her and hates her. Todays big incident, I dated a another girl for about a year when I separated from my wife and was with her for a year. it ended badly and I dont want to work it out with her, we havent talked in a long time. On Facebook, she showed up as a "suggested friend" and I figured ...why not? Well my girlfriend investigated and she became very very angry. She called me at work and was telling me that she hated me, that Im fake, that Im a liar. That I still want to be with my ex and she knows it. That I am going to secretly meet up with her and try to work things out. She was this way when I got home form work.... hours later. I calmly told her that I do love her and do not want to be with my ex. I tried reassuring her and she was crying on the bathroom floor. (yeah, she got badly upset) I offered to delete/block the ex and she just kept saying "she knew it" ...All I could do is deny it and tell her I am really concentrating on building a life with her(gf) She was so worked up she was knocking her head on the wall in frustration. Rolling on the living room floor crying. It was bad and she kept accusing me of having feeling for my ex and all sorts of other negative behavior. I do believe she really does feel the way she does, but she is wrong. I cant argue with how I feel when she "knows " how I feel.I used to get upset myself because I hated defending myself and trying to convince her that her perception is wrong but I realize more and more that its a no-win argument for me and Im left just saying that "I love you" and let it go. It doesnt get this bad often but it gets uncomfortable that Im always worrying if I talk to the wrong person, she will get upset. Its starting to make me uncomfortable being around her if she always looks for something that will cause her to believe that I dont love her and that she"ll stake her fathers life on it, that I want to be with someone else. I feel distant from her when she gets this way. How can I explain to her that her feelings are incorrect? I know I need to get the divorce over with and Im not good enuff to do it on my own, I need an attorney that I cant afford yet so that is one bit of advise I already know. Is there someway to approach her and have her understand I am "real" and want to be with her? Is there a book I can buy her? Id like to do a relationship counsler , but all money is currently tied up. Again, I want to work this out with her, but it does push me away when she gets like this.
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at work, cheap, divorce, facebook, insecure, liar, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): Im just reading trust issues as Im the one having them and see your question. Im not that extreme (sorry to put it this way) as ur gf, but can recognize some elements of behavior and expectations of my bf - I would love him, when I have a trust issue, to just repeat how much he loves me.. I dont know can I give final answer with this what I write, but it might help a bit.
First of all, I think she really has a serious issue and that her reactions are too extreme. She probably had some bad experiences with trusting persons she loves and now, when there is probably no reason to have those problems, she has them. Too bad that those who didn't hurt us have to take the burden of those who did - it is not fair at all, I can feel that for my bf who tries to convince me that I have no reason to panic when it comes to our relationship. As time passes, I see he also looses strength to continue convincing me and that can also happen to you which is understandable. So before you both loose strength to fight with the situation, I think it would be good to do something concrete about it.
I don't know how bad she feels, how big is her mistrust, how much is she convinced that she is right and how much able is she to be rational, so proposing her to take care of her problem might be a disaster as she might feel even more mistrusted and rejected. I would suggest psychologist, but I don't know is she ready for that. That is what Ive done after many unsuccessful relationships where I choked other persons with my insecurity - I dont want that to happen with this bf and now Im seeing a therapist. She probably cares for you and that is the reason why she reacts so intensely when it is about you.
Second thing, which I would suggest you to do for yourself is to read 'Men are from Mars and woman from Venus'. There you can find ample of explanations which I found quite useful and correct on how does female mind function and how does male mind function. Also it explains how do we perceive love - our partner might be giving love but in a way we can not recognize. So you can learn some ways of how to give her love and that she can recognize it (there is a table of 100 things you can do for her - try them out!).
Hope this helps a bit.. Thank you for posting this question as I can understand better how does the other person feel when Im mistrusting her/him.
At the end, I have to say that only after she gets cured of her mistrust you will be able to know is her love for you real or not - it might be only dependance on someone who is giving her at least some love which she craves for.
All the best for you, and for me as well! :)
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Get her a book called, "I Hate you Don't Leave Me." Get one for you as well called, "Walking on Eggshells." It sounds like she had borderline personality, but only a doctor can make that diagnosis. I state it because I have been through this as well. Borderlines look at life through a delusional view of reality. You won't understand her, but she does make your cheating real to her when she is in those states of mind. Borderline's almost always have some sort of dark past, such as being abused, sexual abuse (children or adult) or rape. However it happens, the trauma alters all their personalities. They can love the hell out of you, then turn around and be hateful toward you. There is no reasoning, because they see it as being "your fault." Even when it's something they do, it becomes your fault for them doing so. I'd get those books. There good. I got one for my ex, and after reading it she said I could have taken her picture and had it be on the front cover of that book.
I hope this helps, take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): was dating a separated man with a child and all my friends and family warned me off him. It's a complicated situation and you are still married. You may not see it like that but a lot of people who care for her might. They may be telling her she deserves more and that you could be a player. Any contact you have with other women may then be seen as a red flag. I would never date a separated man again.
Maybe get divorced from your wife first.
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