A
male
age
26-29,
*ix_Floors_Left
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for eight months and are now happily engaged. Seems simple enough, right? Well we are both 17 and out parents don't exactly approve. My father says that he is happy that I have found someone I would like to marry, but he thinks that I am too young to actually get married. My girlfriend's mother knows me pretty well and loves me, but she's strongly against early marriage (which is why she doesn't know yet). Like her mother, her father also doesn't know. This issue with this is that I'm supposed to ask for his permission before I ask her to marry me. Well that didn't happen so now we have to keep our engagement a secret until I ask him. Her parents are divorced so I've only seen her father twice and he isn't all that fond of me for whatever reason. I'm just looking for some tips on how to go about this. I personally believe that since we want to get married we should be able to, but my girlfriend believes that keeping her parents happy is more important; which is understandable. Hoping for some good advice, and thanks ahead of time!p.s. I know plenty of adults who read this frown upon early marriage so please stay away from negative comments if they cross anyone's mind. Thanks!!
View related questions:
divorce, engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 December 2011):
 Thank you for the update. And keep on building the relationships. They need constant attention to keep everything going well. It is a daily work in progress.
I do hope everything continues to gell towards the goals you want to reach together.
best wishes
Abella
A
male
reader, Six_Floors_Left +, writes (10 December 2011):
Six_Floors_Left is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all the replies, some were helpful and others.. well, let's just say not so much. k c100, you gave me exactly what I asked not to give. You didn't give me advice, you just shot down my plans and told me what you believe. I've already asked her father and after two days of talking it over and discussing my plans for the future he finally said that he's okay with us getting married, so long as it's not before we turn 19. So everyone knows now and although there's still a few skeptics in both families it's been great!
Thanks everyone :)
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (5 December 2011):
When exactly are you planning on getting married? Will it be a long engagement? Or are you planning on getting married in the near future. Because if it is in the near future, the parents will likely be even less happy. Also, they will probably wonder how well the 2 of you have thought it through - i.e. who will pay for the wedding? where are the 2 of you going to live? who is going to be supporting the two of you?Basically there is nothing easy that you can say or do to make them approve of this or you. When I got engaged at 21/22 for the first time (ie this engagement didn't work out), our parents were a bit hesitant, and we had been dating for 3 years already. All you can do is try to spend more time with the parents and get to know them and let them see that you're a good guy that cares about their daughter.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 December 2011):
This is a tough ask.
Rome was not built in a day and you can hardly get married in the next six months so you really do have time to make this situation right and build a better relationship with both the mother and especially the father of your finacee.
While you work hard to build some trust between you and your fiancee's parents, concurrently your finacee also needs to rebuild the trust between her parents. That she cannot be honest with them tells me that her confidence to say what she wants and mean it and ask for what she needs and mean it is not yet as well developed as it should be. If complete trust was there and a lack of a Judgemental stance (from either parents) then she would have been much more able to sit down and openly discuss her plans.
If you do not address this very soon then one unexpected remark could result in tears all round if her parents think you have been too secretive over this. if you were even in your 20s most parents would be sad that there was not sufficient trust - that a son or daughter felt that they could not openly discuss these issues with the parents first.
You need to think about how to build a relationship with both her father and her mother. They may be divorced, but something as big as an engagement, they will discuss.
And it will be made more difficult as you do not see her father very often.
What activity can you think of that you and your fiancee's father could attend or enjoy together. Could
Truth is always best. Though occasionally the aggro associated with raising something as momentous as marriage might mean that something is kept secret. I am not condoning that. But just saying it happens.
Some thought will have to go into this. Not sure what engagement ring you have on her finger. But at 17 it might be better to 'sell' the message to each of her parents (probably separately, given that they are divorced) but the stories had better be aligned or you will be discovered.
There is a solution, though you may baulk at it as it is 'tricky'. But it is far trickier to hid that you are engaged in the first place.
Usually getting engaged is such a happy event that everyone knows minutes after the proposal.
Clearly that is not the case in your Fiancee's family.
And the message that might get you both out of hot water, for hiding such a big commitment move, is to call it a 'commitment ring' indicating your strong and faithful and honorable intentions towards your girlfriend.
And indicating you intention to get engaged when the time is right.
After wearing a 'Commitment ring' for so long, then you can make it a short engagement, so that it does not delay your marriage plans.
First build a relationship with each parent. Talk about your study plans for the future. What income you expect to make in the short term and the long term to best meet family expenses in yhe future. Talk about your values and what things are important to you in this world. And raise the issue of what attributes each would expect embodied in a future son in law.
Ask them about how they prepared for an engagement and a marriage. Learn from each of them. They can help you negotiate the pitfalls. With a bit of luck, if they both married very young, they will be more than willing to help you both avoid the mistakes they made.
And see how you can make yourself useful when you do see your fiancee's father.
Because all the parents do want the very best for their daughter or son, even if both parents are against particularly young young brides and grooms.
And your Fiancee's father will still feel very protective about his daughter so you need to present as a responsible honorable honest young man who will protect and love his daughter and remain faithful and loving and kind, and never break her heart.
Keep on building the bonds with her Mom too. Offer to help put up the Christmas decorations for your future mother in law. Your fiancee can help. As her Mom similar questions to the ones you asked your financee's father. Oncce again "sell" the current ring as a commitment ring. Keep on building the relationship to the point where the parents will even start to get impatient for you to ask your fiancee's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
If you do this the right way you will earn respect of all the parents. You will have ample opportunity to demonstrate your commitment to their daughter. And how to remain calm pr demonstrate your fitness and your energy to get things done.
Try not to do the things that will bother the parents, so no weed, not reckless driving, and very very respectful considerate reliable treatment of their daughter at all times.
Try to start off on the right foot with your Finacee's parents and other things will set themselves in place.
Try to remember to send birthday and Christmas cards with handwritten messages from you and your fiancee parents (and your own!!)
Ditto Christmas - even if you and your fiancee sit down to make the cards this coming week.
Find out what hobbies your fiancee's father and mother enjoy the most. And why.
I wish you good luck with the proposal. You do have time to put this situation right and build a better relationship with the parents. before the proposal takes place you will have enjoyed some meals with all the parents. They will know you better and you will know them better before they finally come to realise that marriage between the two of you is inevitable.
Best Wishes to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 I'm not exactly clear on what you are asking here?
From what you have told us her mother likes you and her father is not your biggest fan but then again your girlfriend doesnt see much of him anyway so the relationship even between father and daughter is not great. So there is not a real issue that her parents disapprove of YOU, they just disapprove of MARRIAGE for their daughter when she is still so young.
So really what you are asking then is 'how do I change my girlfriend's parents minds about us getting married?' - and the answer to that is simply - YOU CANT.
Her parents (and your parents) are 100% correct, you are both too young to be getting married and because they are right they will not change their minds.
So you have 2 options - either be sensible and stop saying that you are engaged, buy each other promise rings and leave it at that until you are older. Or piss both sets of parents off massively so that they will never approve or like you, and go ahead and tell everyone you are engaged and then get married.
What is the rush to get married anyway? You have only been together 8 months, you hardly know each other! If you are going to spend the rest of your life together what is the problem in waiting a few years so your families are happy? Why is getting married now rather than in a few years going to make a difference to your lives? A promise ring to each other would be more than enough at your age to show your love and committment, then you can wait until you are older for marriage. That way you will be able to do the right thing of asking the father for his daughter's hand in marriage, you can have 2 sets of happy parents, and you will have more money for a better wedding. To me that is win win all round!
Whereas the other option means that you will go to her dad, ask for his daughter's hand in marriage, he will then say no - dont fool yourself for a second that he will say yes, no father is going to allow a 17 year old to make such a big mistake like getting married. So you wont have her dad's permission, therefore your girlfriend will be very upset. So now you have an upset girlfriend, 2 sets of parents that are annoyed with you and think you are a selfish, immature little boy with no perspective on the world and the way it works. So neither sets of parents will be happy, chances are they wont even come to the wedding because they will be so pissed off. So then you have a crappy little wedding (because neither of you have any money) with no parents there attending the biggest day of your life. You will then live the rest of your lives with unhappy parents and a relationship with your parents that will never be able to be repaired.
Does that sound good to you? Or does waiting a few years sound like the right thing to do?
Waiting makes everyone happy - getting married now makes everyone unhappy. Simple as that. Its not like you are going to be unhappy if you dont get married - you are still with your girlfriend, its not like you have to leave her, so you wont have lost anything if you dont get married.
Be happy that you have the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with, buy each other committment rings/promise rings (whatever you call them) and start saving for the wedding of your dreams. Keep the parents happy (which will also make your girlfriend happy) and then all is good in the world.
I honestly dont see any reason for you to get married now, it is not worth the damage that it will cause. Be sensible and just wait - good things come to those who wait.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): The only way you will prove to any father that you're worthy of their daughter and good enough for her is by showing that you are. The only way to do this is to just be that way with her OP. There is nothing you can say or do to her dad to make him like you. It does not work that way OP.
In time he may grow fond of you but the only way that will happen is by seeing his daughter happy with you in the long run. Seriously that's the only proven method for doing this.
This is not a criticism of early marriage so don't take it that way OP I'm all for people living their lives the way it makes them happy as long as they don't hurt anyone in the process.
But you made a major fuck up OP by getting engaged behind her parents back. You say you want them to like you yet you go and do something they wholly disprove of, not only that but you did it slyly and behind their backs and now you want them to accept that? You're now looking for a way to get them to accept that?
Sorry OP while I think you have every right to marry now if you like I think what you did shows a complete lack of maturity and was very foolish.
"my girlfriend believes that keeping her parents happy is more important; which is understandable." If it's so understandable OP then why did you go ahead and do something that they will hate you for? Why did you go ahead and do something they are dead against? You know what will happen here Op and while you've come here looking for a fix to this the only fix is for you to man up.
If you really do think you're ready to be a husband to their daughter then you should at least have the balls to be able to stand to them as a man and do the honourable thing and ask them but you didn't you went behind their backs and now you're here asking for a way to make them accept it.
Believe it or not I'm not against you marrying this girl but you've done nothing to prove you're ready or able to be a good husband to her yet OP. You can't even summon the courage to go speak to her parents, you went and took the cowardly option instead.
Look I sound very negative I'm not trying to attack you but if you can't handle what I'm saying then how are you going to handle her parents reactions when they find out what you did? Not only have you failed to show maturity on this issue, you have been completely inconsiderate of their feelings on the matter and you somehow expect to find a way to make them be considerate to you and grant you what you want? You're in for a big shock OP because what you've done is create a situation which will be the opposite of what you want.
Now you're both keeping a secret and you're going to go lie to his face by asking him when you've already gotten engaged.
OP a good husband is one who will make good choices, who will think things through and act responsibly in what part of all the events have you done that? You haven't.
The best advice I can give you is to stop this charade, if you haven't bought her a ring yet then you're not officially engaged so wait a while until you do that. You cannot marry under the age of 18 without parental consent so you're going to have wait until then anyway. You have an agreement to be engaged but it's not there until you buy the ring, so do not take that step without first talking to her parents.
Be prepared for them to say no, because most parents would and if he does be a man and accept that you have to wait longer before you can ask again. Do not do what you did here and do this behind their back or you will have a marriage to a girl who is deeply unhappy because her parents hate your guts.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Isn't it illegal for 17 year olds to get married without permission from the parents? Both of your parents are against you getting married this young. Her parents are so against it you haven't even told them about the engagement, and your own parents aren't full on board either and thinks you are too young. So the way I see it you and your girl aren't getting married until you are both over 18 anyway, and probably you will have to pay for your own wedding then as well, which means you will have to save up money. And I also believe after you are married you would wish to live together, right, and not in your parents house? There is no guarantee either parents would want a teenage married couple living under their roof, let alone financially support you. Once you are married you're supposed to live with your wife, not still live with your parents... Then you will have to find a place to live, and get a job or income to pay the rent, the bills, the food etc.
The way I see it getting her parents approval is the least of your worries. By the time you and your girlfriend have earned up enough money to get married, and found an income to support yourselves on, you will also be old enough to not need her parents permission to get married. So deal with telling her parents later, there is no rush to inform them. Tell them when you and her are more prepared for an actual marriage by having money, a place to live and an income to support yourselves.
And if you are serious about marrying her, then a few years with waiting to be married will not be a problem as you have your whole lives ahead of you to be together.
...............................
A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Hiya
Why dont you begin by building up more of a relationship with her dad?
Make friends, let him see that you are good for his daughter before you even bring up the marrage subject with him.
Your GF/Fiance is also wanting to hold things off for a while, to please her parents. Might I suggest a longer engagement? Perhaps a couple of years (19/20 is still an early marriage) whilst you build those relationships and get to know the whole family. If you have shown them all that you are prepared to wait for your GF, and make the engagement a longer one - they will know you are the right man for her. She will be much happier to have the support of her parents, and you will be much happier to know that everyone is in agreement.
When you are married, you have a lifelong commitment and relationship with her family too... so laying good foundations now will mean you can enjoy a happy married family life together.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): I just want to know: Why do you want to be married so young for? I find this very odd. Especially a male!
...............................
|
