A
male
age
41-50,
*ost boy1
writes:My Fiancée and I have been together for over a decade and have had two kids together. Like most relationships, we've had our ups and downs. A lot brought on by me working away from home and perhaps not doing as much around the house when I get home, although I do help out.In the last few months my Fiancée has been going onto webcam chatrooms, like chatroulette. Now she told me about it, but said that she was only looking for a friend to talk to because she was lonely when I was away. When I was home, she still used them, but usually when I was in bed at night. Again, her reason was she wanted to talk to people, but didn't feel right waking me as I was really tired.I told her that I was uncomfortable with this as she can be easily led at times. This is my own insecurities - she must be looking for a younger, hotter, fitter guy.She had added some of them to Skype. One day she had left it logged on and I decided to have a look (I know snooping isn't a good thing). Well I found that she'd been doing more than chatting through the typed log (typed so I wouldn't hear if I got up during the night). She had been having cyber sex and showing herself off on camera. Things she stopped doing with me. I only looked because she'd come to bed very horny and wake me for sex. However, she was sensitive for oral and sometimes just cut off.I didn't tell her that I snooped, but said that I was very uneasy and that I felt she didn't love me any more. We spoke and she decided to delete Skype and said she wouldn't use chatrooms agan.However, last week she didn't come to bed again. When I got up during the night, I caught her on a chatroom. I didn't know why she was hiding this from me now.Instead of speaking to her about it, I overstepped the mark and blocked chatrooms through my providers parental controls. She confronted me about this and I told her that I had seen her on the chatrooms. I was told that I should have asked her and I replied that she could have told me. She was apparently looking for a nice guy that she cut off on Skype and wanted to tell him why she cut him off.This has made her very defensive and brought up that I looked at porn and searched for certain celebrities online 12 years ago. She said that I was hypocritical as I did this but now it's not ok for her. She admitted that it's now a fantasy of hers to watch guys online, but still denies doing anything. I don't want to say I know what she did - perhaps she doesn't remember as she has started drinking a lot. She doesn't believe anything I tell her since then as I told her that I didn't watch porn and she was the only one for me - which she is.We did agree to put it all behind us about a year after as she cheated on me one night. Although it hurt a lot, I forgave her because I felt it was a moment of drunken weakness. I love her very much and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but am not sure if this is now possible. I have lost some trust in her as I know she is lying, but can't tell her as then she'll know that I snooped - which was wrong of me.Sorry for the long winded question, but I felt it needs background and context.Can this relationship be saved? Can there be a way back and for us to trust each other?Thanks in advance for any replies.
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female
reader, WendyJ  +, writes (27 September 2014):
I think it can be saved, but it may take some counselling. I do believe people can change if they want to.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2014): She compares your looking at porn to her cyber-cheating. Time to walk away. This is not reasonable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): It is time to be direct and address the issue of cheating head-on. Cybersex is sex by virtual transmission; where the two people are interacting sexually by use of digital devices. Showing-off all their goodies and exchanging everything visually possible to get each-other off.
Some people actually don't believe this is cheating!!! As lame as the defense of our former President Bill Clinton; claiming he "didn't have sexual intercourse with that woman." He did have ORAL SEX with his female aide, and she had a nasty stained-dress as proof! Eeeeewwww!!!!
Your fiance' is being explicit (and complicit) by sending images of her body to other men over Skype, and they are returning the favor. She has no idea where those images may end-up on the internet; and blocking her off did her a big favor.
If that is not enough to justify the fact you were snooping, I don't know what is! She went back twelve years to throw a past indiscretion in your face in defense of what she is presently and actively doing now. That's foul!
I understand that seven years in the UK is legally-recognized as a common-law marriage. So I would assume she has some legal-rights in addition to seeking shared custody and guardianship of your children. She may not realize it is possible she is building you a case for full-custody. Although I truly hope it never comes to a custody battle. It destroys children.
It hardly matters if you marry, when you both have essentially been married all along. What it comes down to now, is whether you wish to remain together as a family unit.
She was forgiven for cheating before, now she's up to it again. I am really not the kind of person who throws things back in a person's face. I will not offer that advice, because it is more abusive than actually making a point.
There is a tactful way for presenting your evidence, without stooping to degradation, shoveling it in her face, or assassination of her character. She IS the mother of your children. I simply stated this; because these situations get highly volatile, and people go at it tit-for-tat. Do your best to stay calm and civil around your kids.
However; it is time for you to come forward with your evidence to let her know that you took action as you did; because you discovered she was once again cheating.
This is definitely one for couple's counseling. I say that only because there are children. You both have survived the issue of cheating in the past; and you both have cheated on each other.
Trust has been destroyed, however; counseling should be considered to iron-out differences and settle issues that may cause extreme friction; if breaking-up is the final solution. It would be conducive to an amicable breakup for the sake of the shared custody of the children. They're innocent in all of this, and you should be sure their living environment is as stable and civil as possible.
I think it can be fixed, if you both are willing and mutually committed to it. She has to realize and admit that she is cheating. I think mediation through counseling will settle a lot of issues between the two of you. Even if you breakup. You never will truly leave each other; because you have kids together.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 Yes, she is cheating. Cybersex is cheating. You know it and we know it.
You typed some things on here that have my attention though:
"A lot brought on by me working away from home and perhaps not doing as much around the house when I get home, although I do help out."
"She had been having cyber sex and showing herself off on camera. Things she stopped doing with me. I only looked because she'd come to bed very horny and wake me for sex. However, she was sensitive for oral and sometimes just cut off."
"Instead of speaking to her about it, I overstepped the mark and blocked chatrooms through my providers parental controls."
"I have lost some trust in her as I know she is lying, but can't tell her as then she'll know that I snooped - which was wrong of me."
WHAT?! It sounds like you run your marriage by remote control! You're away from home constantly, can't talk to her, won't confront HER with her cheating, but talk in circles with this "I feel uneasy" stuff, and when you catch her, you STILL don't confront her, but go to the ISP and then sit back for her to confront YOU?
Let me ask you this, when you and your wife go out on a date, does SHE sit in the fancy restaurant eating dinner while you sit a quarter mile away and watch her with binoculars??
You and she need counseling now, and you need to start TALKING....not only that, but you can't expect to be gone constantly, come home and go to bed without so much as hardly talking to her except to air your insecurities.
If she's cheating and you're done, then divorce her. However, I can see neglect on this plain as day. She has NO excuse cheating on you, but if she were a person with honor, she would have left you by now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 September 2014):
 I have to agree with Cindy, WHY would you WANT to fix this? I get it that you might want to do it for the kids, but seriously? She takes NO accountability for her actions and she really do NOT care how it affects you. YOU know she didn't just LOOK at guys online. She got OFF with them. She cheated. CYBERSEX is cheating.
The fact that you feel you have to CHECK UP on her and put in PARENTAL BLOCKS to even ADDRESS the situation? Can't you see that is nuts? YOU should NOT have to snoop on your partner to ensure she doesn't cross boundaries.
And then there is the whole;" OH I HAVE to find this NICE guy online and let him know why I can't talk no more." NO, she doesn't. He will figure that out ALL by himself.
Looking at porn and having cybersex are TWO different things. Porn is a materbatory adi for (pardon me) LAZY people and cybersex is making up a fantasy with a stranger to participate in a SEX ACT with someone else.
Seems to me that she is putting the blame on you, ALL this is YOUR fault (according to her) and YOU are so desperate to stay together that you accept the blame.
This is not a blame game, THIS is a broken down relationship that isn't working AT ALL.
If you want any chance at this working I would suggest a 3rd party mediator - such as a couples therapist. SOMEONE who can hold a mirror up to the two of you.
And YOU need to figure out what you NEED/WANT from her to rebuild trust in her. She needs to figure out what she NEEDS/WANT from you to start working on repairing the TRUST SHE broke.
Personally though, I don't see you two figuring this out. She is in so deep denial about HER part in the breakdown of your relationship.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 If it was you on the computer chating. Would she say you were cheating? If the answer is yes or probably then there you are. What's good for the goose,etc.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 I think a better question would be : SHOULD this relationship be saved ? and my personal answer would be : nope.
She cheated on you a year ago, and she agreed to not do it anymore ,to save your relationship.
Now, guess what ?, she is doing it again.
Yes, she is cheating on you. Cybersex IS sex - intentional seeking arousal and / or pursuing orgasms through the mutual interaction with another human being IS a sexual act , although there's no genital contact. She does this behind your back and without your consent, plus she comes to bed with you all hot and bothered, because some other guy got her going, you are just a handy tool to finish off what she has started. How flattering.
She is the only one for you ? Only if you enjoy being cuckholded all the time. Otherwise, get out of there fast !
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