A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and me were together for just under six months. It's been several months now since we broke up. We've tried to be friends since then but it has been difficult for me because she ended it and then got a new boyfriend soon after.Anyway, tonight she has text me to ask when me when my birthday is. I don't know why but this has annoyed me to some extent. We celebrated my birthday last year while we were together and she's already forgotten when it was within a year! She sounded remorseful in her message saying that she can't believe that she's had to ask me, but all the same a part of me is disappointed. It's not like I'm furious over this or anything because a lot of time has past, but it's just annoying. I remember when her birthday is!Do I have a right to be peeved or am I making a big deal of nothing? What do you think i should do?
View related questions:
broke up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Have fun on your date!
And for your sake I do hope you continue to ignore your ex's phone calls/texts. It's the only way you will truly move on.
A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (9 September 2011):
Good luck for your date on Tuesday :) hope you have a great time.
Also think about changing your number so the ex can't contact you anymore?! x
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 September 2011):
 Good luck for your Tuesday date ,all the best, but tell me, you say you are sure she'll contact you again, and what are you planning to do in this case ... answer back ? drag this on some more?...
"Swoosh...Swoosh.." - can you hear it ?
That's the sound of 50 Aunts shaking their heads " no".
Unless you grow a pair , and inequivocably cut contacts, you'll still be miserable !
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate the number of answers I have received and I'd like to thank you all for your advice.
It's been a couple of days now and I haven't responded to her message. I acknowledge that it was brave of her to be honest with me, but I'm sure she also knew that there was a risk that I would be a little hurt that she had forgotten as well. With all that considered I've decided to just ignore the message, as I'm sure she'll contact me again in the near future anyway. Like almost all of you have said it isn't a big deal, so I need to find other things to focus on. For example, I have a date on Tuesday!
Thanks again to you all for your time!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (9 September 2011):
 Not that you owed even this much but your promise was to TRY and you did. It's not working for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 You tried to remain friends; it's not working for you right now. Tell her you need to go no contact for a while and then, when you think you can manage, that's when you'll re-establish contact.
Don't let her need to feel okay about the break up or her need for attention dictate to you what you need to heal. It's not your job now to make her feel good about herself. That's the new boyfriend's job.
You can console her with the idea that it's a temporary situation, a few months or so, and then things can get on to the new 'normal,' whatever that is. But remember, it's not your job to make her feel okay with it. She has to come to terms with whatever YOU decide is best for you. If she truly had your best interests at heart, and isn't a selfish person, she'd let you go, gracefully.
Some people are toxic, energy vampires. She sounds like one. Get her out of your life now, so you can grow your self-esteem back!
...............................
A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (8 September 2011):
I don't know what your ex's motivations are - she truly wants to remain friends, she likes the attention of having someone to pine after her, or someone to fall back on in case things don't work out -- but if communication with her hurts you, you need to cut her loose. This is about your life, not hers. Let her know that it hurts and it will be easier for you to heal and move on if you didn't have contact with her.If she's really your friend, she will understand and leave you alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 September 2011):
 I vote for making a big deal over nothing.
I have had 3 husbands... I can't remember the first two's birthdays. seriously.. the first one it's in late november sometime.. the second.. no recollection at all.. the third... well I do remember but then I still talk to him occasionally as we hammer out the end of the marriage...
she's an ex ... it's NOT important if an X remembers anything at all about you...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 September 2011):
 First, you guys were only together for 6 months, secondly she is your ex. So no, I can't see why you would want to be upset over her forgetting it.
She's most likely been trying to get over you since the break up. Having to remember birthdays and stuff, tend to make this harder.
Let it go.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 September 2011):
 She is an ex and you only dated 6 mos. If she were a thoughtful person who was connected and considerate of the things that are important to you, chances are she would not be an ex.
I think your expectation is unreasonable. She does not sound like a really close friend either.
But, cut her some slack. SHE realized she had forgotten and contacted you to get the fact. People forget things.
Since you mentioned you still had feelings for her in one of your updated comments, it probably rubs you the wrong way because you wish deep down she cared for you more.
It sounds really good in theory for ex-lovers to be friends, but few can do it effectively without out a lot of time and space to establish new boundaries and let feelings shift.
...............................
A
female
reader, MissLoca +, writes (8 September 2011):
I see that your true to holding your promises. But you did say you promised you would try to remain friends. I think if you are still talking to her after all this time that's trying pretty hard. Tell her you tried and you're not breaking your promise if you only promised to try. Tell her you've tried and it's just not working. Besides to me it also sounds as if she's trying to keep contact with you just in case her current relationship doesn't fall through she will have you to fall back on. You shouldn't be second choice to anyone. You should always be first.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (8 September 2011):
I agree with what the others have said really, if it is knocking you backwards everytime she contacts you, then you have to either say something like, you've tried to be friends with her, but it's stopping you from moving on, but maybe in the future when you are truly over her, you could try again, and you will contact HER if you want to try? (not the other way round). (She may not realise you still have romantic feelings for her btw?)
Or just don't respond to her texts to you.
It's really hard to remain friends with ex's so soon after a split and especially if it wasn't a mutual split and one of you already has a new partner!
She is either keeping in touch because she feels slightly guilty over the split (and is over you in a romantic way, but maybe still thinks you're a nice guy/friend material, or is keeping you on the 'back burner' or for an ego boost? But you know her better than us to decide which one! If its the first, then she should respect your wishes to cut contact for now, and maybe as you move on you may resume some sort of friendship in the future(or by then you might not even care?!)
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 September 2011):
Oh maybe because you are not flat out telling her she must leave you alone ?...
You promised you'd TRY to stay friends . You tried and it did not work for you, end of the promise.
Either be sincere and tell her that you feel your staying in touch is bringing up memories and holding you back from totally moving on - or, lie and tell her that you can't be arsed, yawn.
Until you don't, she'll keep getting her kicks from this " friendship"- which are they, we don't know for sure, but... does it really matter ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I'm not afraid to admit that I still have feeling for her. But I'm desperately trying to move on with my life, I swear. I've met new people, I've dated, but the right person hasn't come along yet. I know that when they do I'll be just fine and my ex won't have this affect on me if she's still contacting me.
But in the mean time my ex continues to text me and every time she does it seems to knock me backwards. I know the answer is to just cut contact, but shortly before we broke up (and during in fact) I promised that I would try to remain friends with her, and it seems she is holding me to that. I suggested cutting contact recently and she reminded me of my promise.
I can't believe she's still contacting me really. I thought contact would continue for a short while, but that it would diminish and stop eventually, but it hasn't yet. She has a boyfriend for christ sake! Why is she still bothered about me and my life? Why won't she leave me alone?
...............................
A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (8 September 2011):
I keep forgetting two of my closest cousin's birthdays, and I've grown up with them for most of my life...also, the best friend I've made this year - I don't remember her birthday and she has to keep asking me when mine is...adding to the fact that you were together for less than 6 months, it's actually really really nice of her to ask you when yours is...and to also feel guilty about it!
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 September 2011):
Oh my, I can barely remember my friends' birthdays let alone an ex that I dated for 6 months!
So she forgot, you can easily forgive her for that. People forget birthdays, anniversaries, national holidays, and even Hallmark holidays all the time.
At least, she contacted you asking you when it was. She was at least trying to remember when she didn't have to, seeing as she is your ex. You have to give her props for that.
So you happen to have a better memory than she does..could that be because you're still not over her?? Cut the girl some slack and dismiss this minor annoyance.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): get over it, you're no longer together, she doesn't need to remember anything about you. you're pissed because you feel unimportant because she didn't remember your birthday. well you need to stop defining your self worth by a relationship that no longer exists.
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 September 2011):
 She's your ex. What's the problem?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 You're making a big deal out of NOTHING.... and should FORGET the whole matter. You MUST have something better to do with your time and mental energy.....
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2011):
Thank goodness she isn't your current girlfriend who forgot your birthday, shrug your shoulders, "some people" and then forget about it. She at least made the honest admission she couldn't remember and I think the intention was a positive one. You are trying to turn in into a negative.
Let it go. You're her ex for a reason and keeping and holding grudges is bad for the psyche.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): You are making a big deal about nothing. I agree it would be humiliating to be asked about it the way she did because it only lets you know she forgot.
....but it's unreasonable to expect her to remember it in the first place if you aren't dating.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 September 2011):
 She's your ex, not your girlfriend. She has moved on more than you have, which was why it bothers you that she didn't remember. She has a new boyfriend whose birthday is more important to her now. Not to sound cold, but you will need to move on.
It's not a good idea to stay on as friends with an ex. It's masochistic because you'll never move on, and you'll keep getting hurt at the reminders of the evidence that she's moved on from you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (8 September 2011):
I would probably feel the same tbh! lol (But reading it,when someone else says it, you realise its a bit of a waste of an emotion!)
But she could've just been using it as an excuse to text you, (I think woman generally remember stuff like this!) Or if she genuinely has forgotten it, wanted to ask you now, so remembers it on the day to send you a card or text?! (which is quite nice really)
Wouldn't you be more pissed off if she actually forgot the day, didn't mention it, and didn't text you happy birthday on the day? ;-)
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (8 September 2011):
 i think you are taking this too personally and there is no real need for you to feel insulted. she is your EX and you were only together a matter of months. it is not worth falling out over in my opinion. if you get nasty with her about this i think you could end up regretting it in the future when you have calmed down.
are you really peeved about her forgetting your birthday or is this just an opportunity to vent coz you are still upset over her finishing with you and getting a new boyfriend? you need to get over her and move on
x
...............................
A
female
reader, MissLoca +, writes (8 September 2011):
I see how you could be annoyed a bit but at the same time it doesn't matter because you two aren't together. Personally, I think it bothers you because you still have some feelings for her. I think you should just slowly or suddenly wichever you prefer, distance yourself from her. It's extremely unhealthy for you to be talking with a girl whom you have feeling for who is dating another guy. THe chances of you guys remaining friends are slim so why not just cut out the hurt now before it gets worse
...............................
|
