A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My 27 yr old daughter has recently admitted to me she's been cheating on her fiance with her best friend's dad, and she's thinking about ditching her fiance and marrying her best friend's dad. She admitted she was discreet about the affair.I am horrified with the whole thing; it makes me feel sickened and her dad's furious, especially as he considers her fiance Steve to be a good friend and a great potential son-in-law (Steve runs his own car salvage business and him and my husband often socialise together; they're great friends).I asked her why she did and she said it felt fun, exciting and took her mind away from her wedding in 2 years time - she said she loved her fiance but the sex wasn't passionate, but I doubt her boyfriend would agree, and that sex with her best friend's dad brought out the wild side in her.I told her fiance, and he was incredibly forgiving; he said that he's sure it was lust, not love, and that it was so out-of-character for her, and that he wants to forgive her and work it through with her.She's an adult so I can't stop her, but I feel really upset by the whole thing.Her friend doesn't know either (as far as I'm aware) and I worry if I tell her (if my daughter doesn't) she won't believe me and accuse me of trying to wreck her friendship.If my daughter did marry her best friend's dad, wouldn't that make her the stepmum of her best friend, and how would that affect relationships within her best friend's family?It's made even worse by the fact our family knows her best friend's family and we've socialised with them a lot... Christmas, barbecues, the whole nine yards.What problems could happen as a result of this scenario, and what can of worms has been opened here?I just need some advice on how to contain this situation; there's a lot of issues involved here.Please help me, I'd really appreciate it.
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affair, best friend, christmas, fiance, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 August 2013):
 I think the issue is that you are too entangled in your daughter's life.
IT was NOT YOUR place to tell HER fiance' that she cheated on him. WHAT were you thinking?
And the fact that he so easily is willing to forgive her?
something is not sitting right with me about this.
The only damage control you can do is to BUTT OUT now and let it all play out.
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (21 August 2013):
 I wouldn't worry about it. Your daughter is fine with destroying lives, so you have to let the destruction play out.You do have the right to distance yourself from her after the dust has settled... Your daughter has become a monster that could destroy the whole family...
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (18 August 2013):
I'm sorry you are in this situation. But Mother, your daughter is 27 years old. She is an adult making decisions of her own....poor decisions on her own. She has created this situation. Not you. I realize as a parent we want our kids to do their best. We also have to see the value of them falling. Sometimes those are the most valuable lessons of all. What your daughter is doing has nothing to do with you or your husband. I can clearly see that you are a loving a caring person but that doesn't give you the right to speak with your (possible) future son-in-law. It was up to your daughter to come clean. It was up to your daughter to make the right decisions. It is not your business to tell your daughter's best friend either. She may learn in her own time what has happen. Don't you be the bearer of bad news. That is after all her dad. She loves her dad with all she has. She will be in a lot of pain and hurt. I'm not sure she needs to know. Really, woman have a sixth sense. She may already know and has turned a blind eye to it. You in the end will look bad. You will be the evil person. You need to take a step back. I wish you well!
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (18 August 2013):
 I would contain this situation by keeping it within your family four walls for now… You’ve said enough already to her fiancé. Exposing this to your daughter’s best friend and or to others would potentially open up a can of worms like you say, and be more than you can handle right now. Get this situation under control by keeping your emotions in check… Stop spreading the news, so to speak. I know this is disappointing for you to say the least.
Now, are her intentions set in concrete to marry this man and ditch her fiancé? Is her fiancé Steve discreet enough to bow out gracefully with dignity, perhaps calls off the wedding, rather than dramatising this embarrassing situation for all to see, if indeed she does go through with this hair-raising idea?
If Steve thinks this is ‘so out-of-character for her’, I wonder if he truly knows your daughter for her to be so discreet in doing this behind his back. Had it been him writing what to do about this, no doubt we would have instructed him to move on… Surely we all want to at least trust our partner in this area of fidelity in the beginning of our lives together?
Nonetheless, she has been discreet about the affair and can keep the charade going for a bit longer to set things right and salvage everyone’s potential embarrassment somewhat. Either she or Steve can call off their wedding plans and she can take up with this man discreetly further down the road?
Yet with saying that; I don’t see how this or anything is going to stop people from speculating… It’ll just come out in the wash much later :(
For now; I suggest you all keep calm, accept there’s going to be some trouble out of this no matter which way it goes and let them work it out themselves in the meantime; if it’s going to involve counselling or a permanent separation.
Take Care – Caring Aunty A
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2013): The answer is that a HUGE can of worms has been opened. The kind that comes from Costco in massive bulk size. It's way more worms than you need, but it was so cheap and easy to buy....You can't stop your daughter from doing what she is doing, but maybe there are indirect ways to contain and possibly reverse this situation:1) Maybe the best thing is for her friend to find out. Perhaps her friend, who will be understandably incredibly angry and hurt, will put some sense into your daughter. The friend will find out anyway. Why wait for her to find out until your daughter and her father are reading their vows to each other? It's all going to come out, so perhaps she should know now, when she can make a difference.2) Has your husband spoken to the father of your daughter's friend? If you husband is furious, maybe he should let this man know how he feels. Perhaps this man will feel guilty and move on from your daughter.3) Have you explained to your daughter that she will become her best friend's stepmother should she continue down this rabbit hole? Maybe she needs this spelled out to her.If your daughter and this man are genuinely in love, then it's no one's place to try to stop what is happening. But it all sounds a bit odd to me.It's a shame because the fiance sounds perfect, and it is rare to get such a glowing blessing from the bride-to-be's father. But if the relationship really is lacking in passion, there must be men your daughter's age who can provide that passion without being her best friend's father!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (17 August 2013):
There are indeed a lot of issues here but you can’t do anything to stop your daughter. Is she still seeing this man? Or has she broke it off to work things out with her fiancé? She has indeed been reckless and utterly selfish, and has shown no commitment to work at her relationship and address any problems. Instead, she’s ran away from those problems by jumping in to bed with some-one else with little regard for the devastating impact this will have.
I cannot offer anything that will take away the fear you must have, knowing the potential consequences of all this blowing up but being unable to control anything, but the best you can do, if the affair is still on-going, is tell your daughter how unfair she is being to her fiancé, the impact this could have and the risk she’s taking with her friendships and relationships. Could this all end up badly for her? Absolutely! Unfortunately she needs to end this affair now, or come clean. Whether she reveals what’s been going on or you do, the fracturing of relationships between them, and between the families will probably still occur. Only she can choose how this pans out, you can just give her the facts and the risks, and your opinion of her conduct. If she’s going to leave her fiancé, that’s her choice. But she has to understand that she has to make her choice, and if she chooses this fiancé, she has to commit to working through their problems, not justifying infidelity by stating she was indulging a desire for better sex.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (17 August 2013):
 You did the right thing by telling her fiance. What a guy.
Next her selfishness has to have a price. She cant repair everything n by that I mean her best friends family. She may have to cut ties with them for at least awhile if not forever. It would be awkward for them to see her around n also its something they will be upset with for a long time.
Encourage her to go thru counseling with her man. Shell need it. They need a fresh start to marriage n may need to postpone the wedding.
Her fiance may forgive but will issues later come about like jealousy resentment etc. Try ur best to be peacemaker. A lot of emotions involved here n try to keep people calm. That will help sort things out better. Good luck. I sincerely mean that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): If you are so interested in "containing" the situation, why did you tell your daughter's fiancé in the first place? Because honestly, how they handle it is 100% their business and not yours.
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