A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating the same man for two and a half years now. We were high school sweethearts and he did everything so wonderfully. His parents hated me and he stood up for me, even when they told him it was me or them. He picked me. But then four months ago I moved. Our relationship had sunk into that "more comfortable than romantic" state that relationships sometimes get into. After a few months of being apart, I've begun wondering if we're close to the end. I still love this man with all of my heart, but I don't feel sexual towards him. He doesn't excite me like he used to.A few days ago, my best friend (and ex-boyfriend that I dated for three weeks freshman year of high school) invited me to his comedy show and then later 20th birthday party. There was going to be alcohol but he assured me I didn't have to drink. We had a blast and I couldn't wait to hang out more the next day. The next day we were going to go see Jurassic Park, but he had a hangover and decided he'd rather stay home and just hang out. So we did. We played video games and listened to music. I would get up and dance around his dorm and he'd get up, take my hand and dance with me. Now, I love to dance. My boyfriend hates it and never dances with me. So it's a big deal to me that my best friend was dancing with me.As I was getting ready to leave, he asked me if I'd give him a lap dance for his birthday. After a while, I agreed to it.So I did it and towards then end I leaned down and we nearly kissed, but I pulled away, freaking out because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend. He held me, stroking my hair and back, telling me that it was ok, but that I'd have to make a decision sooner or later. I know that he doesn't want a girlfriend, he's made that clear, but I don't want to leave a relationship (even if it is falling apart) for a friends with benefits relationship. I just don't know what to do... He sparked a fire in me that I haven't felt in such a long time...
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 This is quite simple - if the other guy (your ex/best friend) wanted a relationship, then you would leave your boyfriend for him right?
So that shows you are ready and willing to leave your boyfriend. You have already cheated on him by giving another man a lapdance (NO man on earth would be ok with their girlfriend doing that behind their back), so clearly you are way past caring, loving or respecting your boyfriend.
Stop being so afraid to be alone and do the right thing - leave your boyfriend. Clearly you have moved on, but fear of being single is what is holding you back. Your friend/ex's availability is irrelevant here, what should matter is your boyfriend and how you feel about the relationship. If you are ready to walk away if this other guy gave you the nod, then that is your answer - you have to leave your boyfriend because you dont want to be with him anymore and you are simply waiting to jump ship.
Be single for a while, it will be good for you. You have been in this relationship a long time and need to learn about yourself, you were young when you got with your boyfriend so you will have changed massively since the last time you were single - take some time out from men, get to know yourself again and enjoy being young and free. Then see in a few months time what the ex/friend wants.
But right now he should be irrelevant, you have been with your boyfriend long enough for him to at least deserve some respect. So if you are already giving lap dances to other men and are planning on leaving him if there were another man waiting, then he needs to know all of this. It is not fair on him to be strung along while you are looking for your get out clause, he deserves better than this. Show him some respect, do the right thing and end the relationship before you can hurt him further.
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