A
female
age
36-40,
*opeful31
writes:Hi guys! Hope you can help me. I am a shy type of girl but i do flirted with my first cousin. Its my 3rd time to meet him last january. He's from jersey,he lives there, he's d same guy i wrote here last 2010http://www.dearcupid.org/question/falling-in-love-with-my-out-of-country.htmlWhen he was here, i took leave from work at his request for me to be with him. We stayed at here with relatives from his dad side and we shared rooms. We did not have sex. But we did kiss and spent time together getting closer.After he left we dont talk about what happened with us,as if theres nothing happens. Recently,just this september when we were chatting he became very outspoken with what he felt for me, he said he like me a lot and whenever he get the chance alone with me he gets turned on very horny. But he has gf also here in our country. I know its wrong but he asked me to have sex with him and i agreed when he comes and visit us here this octobes. He'll be staying at my room again but separate beds Three weeks ago he texted me that he was excited to be with me and ditto, we started texting about sex. I am very curious how does it felt havin sex that's why keep on asking him about that. Almost everyday we were chatting about sex. I wanted to give him myself but im confused. My minds says no but my body reacted when we were alone. He said i should have sex with him even if we are cousins cos i can trust him.he said he'll teach me more bout sex when he comes here. I wanted to back out,..i am attracted to him but my conscience is eating me. I cant get him out of my mind since he kissed me two years ago. What do u think? Should i have sex with him or not? Im still virgin till now and im turning 28 this october. Is he thinking im cheap because i do flirt with him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): I think he's manipulating, i would not have sex with him
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): If they don't believe you about him, just show them the messages he's been sending you on facebook and elsewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): Tell your sister the reason he's asking her about you and what he wants, and tell her this is the reason you are not talking to him. The people he's exposed to about his motives, the less likely he will to continue bothering you over this situation. You have the control, not him. All you have to do is stick to your decision and make others aware of the harassment you're receiving from him, I'm sure they'll back you up on this when they see him for what he really is. You DON'T have to do anything you don't want to do with anyone, and you DON'T have to endure this sexual harassment from the creep either.
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A
female
reader, hopeful31 +, writes (6 October 2012):
hopeful31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe still keeps sending me on my fb and i did not bother to reply to any of it. Yup, he is really taking advantage. I hate him. I hate msgs he is sending me. He's not respecting me at all. He said on his msg if he can't have sex with me it's fine with him to just kiss me and touch my breast and suck it and if i do lose control he'll have sex with me. I didnt reply to him at all. Since he can't receive any fr0m me, he keeps texting my sister and asking bout me y am i n0t talking to him. To all my family, they kn0w he's kind and perfect but duh!
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Lovely follow up.
I love reading nice follow ups like that.
Be strong.
And absolutely do not put up with any female relative to also encouraging you to "be nice" to him.
He may well have a word in the ear of one of your female relatives and they might not understand the implications of his request, to share a room with you.
You are entitled to your own room. Not a room connecting to his room. Not a room where he gets a key to your room.
Put a chair up against the door at night and absolutely refuse to listen to any reasons he tries to put to you to try to enter your room or to try to force you to have sex. If he wants to talk to you he can talk to you in front of your female relatives.
Your female relatives may not understand his agenda. And whether they do not do not understand his agenda they are the not the ones who will get hurt if you allow this man to use you.
You have rights
And you are entitled to expect your rights to be respected.
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A
female
reader, hopeful31 +, writes (5 October 2012):
hopeful31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u guys for all ur advices. It really means a lot to me.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 October 2012):
he is completely taking advantage of you by expecting you to share a room with you. Do not be embarassed to make a fuss. Under No circumstances should you put up with his rubbish about sharing a room. Contact the hotel booking people and insist on a room that allows you to share with a female relative or alone.
Do not share a room with his Gf.
Do not open your door to him while you stay at the place in Cebu.
He is a creep, trying to take advantage of you.
Act disinterested with him.
Find many opportunities to spend time talking to your female relatives.
His little party (you and him) is over.
He wants what he has no right to expect.
And please stop blaming you.
He is probably even more base than you realise and has had conquests with many other girls who you are unaware of.
He can teach you nothing, except how to recognise a sleazy creepy guy who has NO respect for you at all.
That he has no respect for you is because he does not want to treat you with respect. He sees you as available and lacking in confidence in yourself.
Stop thinking you even need to be nice to you.
His 'attention' is not the sort of attention any girl needs.
He has a problem.
His problem is NOT your problem to solve.
If he starts putting you down (when he can't get is own way) then just laugh his comments down.
But if his comments are starting to unsettle you then you can suggest to him, 'oh. Poor you. Sounds like you are getting a bit tired and emotional cousin?'
But if he gets too nasty just tell him that he's not funny and he's not interesting and that perhaps he should 'Go talk to someone who cares'. To put him in his place.
You do not have to worry about offending him. After all he seems to think it is perfectly ok for him to foist his offensive agenda on you. When he has no right to do so.
Stand your ground and do Not give in to him as if you do he will use and discard you and that will tarnish everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Hi sorry I can't log in right now. It’s me, hopeful the author of this question. Should I stop chatting with him now? I wanted closure, I dont want him to expect me to do it with him anymore. How can I tell him that now? I felt he's using me now, I just realized. We’re going to Cebu with his grandfather, Mom and, dad, and other cousins too. He already made set up that we're going to be roommates there. Two person in a room. I told him to room with his Gf, but he refused. He said it’s bad, then I told him if it's bad then why would he want me to be his roommate? I felt insulted when he said it's ok because you wanted it too...You want also to have time with me alone... Yes, he's right but that was before. He may be thinking I’m cheap and easy to get. It’s my fault. I made him think of me that way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 October 2012):
 You CAN back out if you WANT to. He can not decide that for you.
As for when he comes to visit have someone with you to the airport and DO NOT spend time alone with him.
I don't know what he thinks of you, but I do think the he is good at spotting naive girls.
LEARN from this. Don't have conversations about having sex with someone you don't really want to have sex with.
And even if his GF is in the Philippines, she is STILL his GF.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 October 2012):
If you meet him at the airport bring a friend along. Do not spend time alone with him. Not even a minute.
Never mind about what others will 'Think' of you.
You need to show that you are not a pliable compliant puppet to be used for his pleasure.
You have rights too.
You can back out of ANY arrangement to have sex at ANY time. He does not know what he is talking about.
And if he resents your emphatic firm decisive "NO!!!" then that is his problem.
He is coming to see his Gf for goodness sake. He has no right to waste your time. He can offer you nothing.
Do not spend ANY time alone with him in any premises.
And Definitely do NOT share a room with him.
This man has NO respect for you and does not respect the word NO.
Pity his Gf as she has definitely landed the "bad-egg" boyfriend. His behaviour stinks.
And he is a Cheat.
Can't he Hire a car at the Airport and drive himself to Cebu? He's not a baby. He's a man. He should act like one.
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A
female
reader, hopeful31 +, writes (4 October 2012):
hopeful31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your advices... really important to me it became an eye opener to me not to do it. i talked to him last night and i said im backing out on our deal and he said i can't back out now coz i got him very excited to do it with me. how can i get rid of him now? its my fault also, i do responded for his advances and flirtations with me. is he thinking that im a cheap and flirt also? he's coming on the 28th of october and we'll be meeting him at the airport on the 30th. we'll be going to cebu with his family and of cos his gf here in philippines whom he met only once last january. i dont want him to hate me, i dont want we end up hting us each other. wht do u think guys am i goin to do to end this up? thanks
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
Sorry, cant advocate incest. There are genetic reasons for the statement "opposites attract." Incest flies in the face of that. Just thinking about kind of creeps me out.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (3 October 2012):
 no , don't give yourself regrets to look back on in life.
he is playing you. save your self for that special someone that will be in your life in the future. he is your cousin, a close relative, incest. don't let him take advantage of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): A lot of people are going to get hung up on the first cousin issue. Whether that is a problem would depend on how it's done where you live and thus what the rest of your family might think. There's a biological question, but not a big one. They say Einstein was the son of first cousins for instance.On the other hand, a guy who lives half way around the world and already has a girl in your area is a bad idea every time. So it's a no go from that stand point. But since you are friends, maybe you can harness him for useful work. Get him to take you to visit cousins who are further out on the tree. Find one you like, who's a good bet, don't you know, and see if you can get him to spend time with you two. A couple can move about far more easily than a single man or a single woman. And single men are pathetically eager to be sociable. Find a good bet, the two of you take him fishing or the zoo (or get him to take you) and who knows what might come of it? But to jump into bed with a man who has a girlfriend and is already willing to be unfaithful to her? That's a no brainer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 October 2012):
He is taking FULL advantage of you being so naive and innocent - he doesn't LOVE you.... I just want to have sex with you and go back to his GF.
And honey, he is your FIRST cousin.. That just isn't right. There are plenty of other fish out there you aren't related too.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 You are 28 and you are asking this question? Do you really think you are going to get answers in the affirmative from the aunts and uncles here?
I think you have received two very good answers so far. I know you may like this cousing, but it isn't a good idea. You know this or you would not be asking the question. I, too, think he is using you. He doesn't even live in your area so it will be easy to have sex, turn his back on you, and go back to his home. Let alone all of the issues that arise with being a first cousin.
Please stay away from this guy and stop communicating with him...he is just trying to manipulate you. Besides that, your body can respond to a lot of things and people, but that doesn't mean you should do what you're thinking about.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 October 2012):
Definitely not. This man is using you. And taking advantage of you.
And if you do agree to what he is asking then how long before he boasts about it or other family members start to see you as less honourable than they do now?
He has a girl friend. So he no doubt already enjoys regular sex with his Girl friend. Lack of sex while he is visiting you will not harm him in any way. I think it would be better if you started to be more aloof with him and stepped back. What he is doing is disrespectful to his girl friend and disrespectful to you. How will his girlfriend feel when she finds out. Think what this could become?
It is very good that you are having second thoughts. and that conscience is eating at you. Keep those thoughts uppermost in your mind.
You are nearly 28. What are you doing to improve your own situation? Can you undertake some more studies to improve your chances of gaining work that pays more. Can you save up some money for a holiday where you may meet nice unattached men and find one who will love you exclusively and vice a versa?
What hobby could you develop or what skills could you learn to help you learn something that will give you pleasure and perhaps provide a modest additional income? Like making inexpensive jewellery - earings and necklaces and bracelets? As just one example.
Think of ways that you can enrich your life and bring more people into your life and more joy into your life. But do not fall for the tricks of your cousin. He has nothing to offer you. But pain in the future.
A good man who is unattached and not too closely related to you and where you both find that you have much in common will want to treat you like a princess.
Whereas your relative wants to use you for sex. He is Cheap indeed. And you are worthy of much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Sex with a close blood relative is classed as incest. I know in some parts of the world its illegal to have sexual relations/relationships/marriage etc with a 1st cousin. I'm not sure where you're from though, best to check your local laws on the subject.
Seriously though, can't you find someone who is NOT related to you? Its the best bet all round so you are not subject to the likes of harsh judgment and criticism from others, especially other family members if they were to find out.
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A
female
reader, Peonysheart +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Ummmmm first cousins, sorry but sex should not be what your thinking.Just my opinion but there are reasons you dont date family. In some places there is even laws against it.
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