A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Please, I need help with this. In the beginning of my relationship I made the treacherous mistake of telling my boyfriend about me giving oral to another guy, as I took it not very seriously and told him lots of details, it really got to him. It's been four months now and he still thinks about it. It gets to him and the cycle will never stop. He tried to do research and such but it just hasn't helped. Today he told me there's a chance it could go away with no other choice, but to break up with me. It is an almost OCD sort of problem. I would say it might be retroactive jealousy, though he doesn't feel jealous. The thoughts can't go away, and like I said, he has tried.We love each other. We do. I've lost my virginity to him and he has literally changed my world for the better. He feels the same, and he also lost his virginity to me. His sexual experience with other girls has happened, but not in recent years and he has not experienced oral until he was with me. I don't want this to end on a note like this. We both still have strong, strong feelings for each other and we will only break up so he may have a chance to remove those thoughts in his head. But it'll really wreck me. I probably sound all emotional, but I love this guy. I want him to get better, but does it really have to end in order for him to stop the thought process? He seems he can't take it no more.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): If this moron is willing to break up with you because you gave oral to somebody else before you started dating him, then you're better off without him.You did absolutely nothing wrong. Not the oral and not telling your boyfriend about it. If he was asking the questions or engaged in the conversation and willingly listening to the details, which I'm guessing he was, then you were right to tell him the truth. I'm so sick of this notion that women should lie about their past just because that's what men want to hear. It all goes back to the caveman like mentality that women are men's property, and knowing they did things in the past makes them "damages goods" in the man's eyes. Screw that. If your boyfriend wants to think like a Neanderthal, that's on him, not you.Tell him this. Tell him to stop being an idiot, tell him that you're not his property, that what you've done with other guys before you started dating him has absolutely nothing to do with him and he has no reason, nor any right, to worry about it. Then, in short, tell him to get the fuck over it or YOU are going to break up with HIM because you're sick of hearing about it. I would have zero tolerance for this nonsense, I'm amazed you've put up with it for so long.
A
female
reader, becky10721 +, writes (22 January 2014):
I have the same problem.. my boyfriend wasn't with me while something happened with a lad before. Now he kbows about all nt past he never lets me do anything. He constantly checks on my phone so I've put a password on to stop it happening and ice explained to him i've been nothing but faithful and if he can't trust me for no reason then I'm walking away. You don't have to put up with it and no one should. X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2014): Above all, try to remember that this is happening because he is feeling an emotion, not choosing to hold a viewpoint. Emotions don't care about logic.
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A
male
reader, xzibit33  +, writes (22 January 2014):
 Alright, I think your boyfriend needs a reality check! Everyone has done something in their past and I think it's no mistake if you told him yours. Judging by your age, I'd assume he's around your age category hence the immature action. You both lost your virginity to each other and that's special. If he wanna break up cos you gave oral to another guy, I'd think he's just using that as a cover up cos that's flimsy. I see no problem whatsoever on your side. If you can continue stomaching his attitudes, then cool; otherwise let him leave and trust me when I say you'd find someone better
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 January 2014):
He has something called retroactive jealousy. Its an inconvenient relic of our evolutionary pasts as men, and thus is very difficult to deal with. The good news for you is that it typically does not effect men until they are with a woman they are emotionally invested in.
Reminding him about his past will very likely not help. He needs to find coping mechanisms, and one way to find them is to find a psychologist with expertise in this area, or at least OCD related problems. A search here will yield much as well, paying particular attention to posts by a fellow named Yos.
Unfortunately, because of its strong evolutionary origins, RJ is in a way like alcoholism. Its something that once identified will always be with you, its just that you need to control it rather than it controlling you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): My dear, it's his problem and not yours.
You will learn that guys tend to set double-standards for girls. He took your virginity and has a convenient excuse to now be on his way. It may not be about his inability to deal with your pass at all; he may have just accomplished the mission of taking your virginity. These things happen.
No matter what the case. You are honest, and a strong person.
Let this be a lesson. There are things you can tell boys, and then there are things better left unsaid. It is best to hold some personal things private; and only give them to those you absolutely trust, and people you know can handle the truth. Don't give more than others will give you. Guys will set you up to judge you; no matter what they've done in the past.
If he breaks up because of this; it means he has issues that make him incompatible, and too insecure to deal with a strong and intelligent girl like you. It will hurt for now; because you really care for him. The pain will go away with a little time.
Be careful about giving out too much personal information to people. Allow people to earn your trust; don't just give your private secrets away.
Don't ever be ashamed of who you are, or what you've done. Don't allow the judgement of other people make you feel any less of yourself. Least of all boys!
There is a silver-lining. You know he isn't strong enough to deal with a strong person like you. Because you are so young, it is easier to get over things like this and move on.
Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 January 2014):
 You are absolutely right, this type of behavior is basically OCD. Research and reasoning won't help him. It would be as though he had a dislocated shoulder and tried to set it by thinking about it hard enough. He needs to see a professional to get the right kind of treatment for his problem, or it will likely never go away. It's not an issue with you or with the blow job. It is an issue he will face with every and any girlfriend and he needs to get this under control.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 January 2014):
 You could try and tell him that now he has a sexual past too, and what if his next gf feels the same OCD thoughts about what he did with you, and dumps him ? How would he like that ?
... But, there's no reasoning with OCD, so , unless he wants to go see a CB therapist to try and retrain his brain and get rid of dysfunctional thought - which I doubt he would do JUST for this episode with you, right now - then parting ways is the best solution,also for you.
Now you feel for him, you pity him for what he's going through. In a short while , he'd annoy you and
torment you so much, that you'd start resenting him , maybe loathing him- it would end up bitterly anyway .
And at 16 , no official ties, no kids, plenty of time in front of you, plenty of choices... do choose the path of least resistence. don't go for the troubled " difficult " guy, don't make HIS problems yours. Go for the healthy, happy, "normal " guy that you can just enjoy your youth with. without too many hurdles.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 January 2014):
 Sorry, but a break from the relationship will not make him STOP thinking about this. Ot him feeling like YOU did something wrong. However staying together is not a good thing for you either.
And I'm sorry that he feels so entitled to judge you for your past experience when he himself HAVE HAD sexual experiences with others.
Retroactive jealousy is not really about jealousy, it's about not being able to ACCEPT that you have had experiences without him.
If you look up Uncle YOS on DC you will find he knows quite a bit about RJ and maybe he can give you some tips or advice to pass on.
The thing I want to tell you, is that you NEED to not be ashamed of what you did in the past. You can't change it and it doesn't make you a bad person or un-datable.
YOU should have to HIDE your past or LIE to make a guy feel less insecure.
You had ONE other sexual experience that involved oral, not sure how that is such a big deal, but I do read on DC quite a bit from men (young and old) who can't seem to comprehend that women are JUST as sexual as men are and that it IS OK.
THIS is his issue. HIS problem, but it DOES affect you. And it might affect you in the future if you don't let him go. If you keep dating this guy who HOLDS your past over your head like that.
It's NOT OCD. Yes, it sounds like a compulsion for him, but it's not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): Men who often feel that way if they have great deal emotion about a girl and can see themselves in a nearly ideal romantic relationship with long term potential but... All that gets shattered with a bj and it is particularly bad if he knows the guy. That is why they have hard time with their girl's past sexual infidelity. Sure that everyone has a past but much of our perception of who you are is shaped by what you've done. Some people say that it is wrong to see others that way however the matter of fact is that THAT is how it is. Doing bj's of casual kind to guys with no romantic consequence is not a good practice for any woman at any age. In fact the longer the woman holds off sex with her prospective man the better relationship outcome there is. In your case, you cannot take your action back - neither the casual bj nor the fact that you told someone who cares about the random encounter. Talking about it with your boyfriend often may not make matters better because men are known to dump girls deemed to have uncontrolled sexual infidelity especially if it is with inconsequential or random guys. So the fact that he is still with you maybe a sign of possible resolution. Best of luck.
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