A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First and foremost, please do not judge me. We've all gotten into weird situations and not always made the best choices. I'm currently married, 14 years, living with my husband and 2 children. For the past 4 years or so I've been seeing another man on the side. My husband and boyfriend know of each other and my husband was okay with it. My hubby knows we aren't happy and basically just roommates raising our children. We sleep in the bed together but we do NOT have sex, and I'm not kidding. We don't have that kind of relationship yet we stay together for security and comfort. We share no intimacy whatsoever. We don't hug, kiss, nor touch one another in any way. We do tell one another we love each other but it's rare and moreso an "i dont want nothing bad to happen to you/ur my kids father" type of thing. We are NOT in love with one another.This isn't the first affair that I've had and when I met my current bf, we both figured we'd have sex a few times and one of us would go on our way which always happened in the past. It didn't happen like that. We fell in love and acted like a normal couple. He met my family (parents, siblings, aunts/uncles) and I met his. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, aside from my one little problem... living at home with my husband. Of course when his family found out they didn't approve. They wanted us to make it right. As did my family but they were more understanding.We saw each other numerous times during the week and I'd stay at his house on Saturday nights. We went on dates, overnight trips, normal things a boyfriend/girlfriend would do. He'd even introduce me to everyone as his fiance, but never knew what to tell them when they'd ask where I was during my times away. I balanced time with my children and time with him. If I wasn't with one, I was with the other. I fell so hard in love with him and would often cry in his arms because I had to leave him to go back to my unhappy married life. A lot of times I'd cry to my husband about how much I loved/missed Josh (bf) and he'd tell me to go be with him.We carried this on for roughly 4 years and now the bf (ex it seems) is tired of it. Sometimes he'd tell me it bothered him I slept in bed with my husband even though we didn't do anything. The reason for this is we don't have a spare room so I lay in bed, sleep, get up and go about my day. There's times where my husband sees me naked and this bothers Josh. There's no physical attraction between my husband and I so it doesn't phase us to be naked around one another. I take off my clothes to get in the shower while he's shaving and that's where it ends. He told me he hated that he could never come to my house or stay the night with "me". I knew this was a difficult situation for the both of us but figured we could pull through it. He told me that he always assumed I was going to leave my husband, which I did tell him in the beginning I don't want to stay married forever but at the end he started pressuring me. He'd make comments about me not looking for my own place and how I led him on and he fell head over heels in love with me only to never get anything "real" out of it.He messaged me earlier and this is what he said; "you'll just be a fuck for men. they will never have a real relationship with you because you want to stay in your fake ass marriage that all these people get to see, the fake side of you, like your family, people in virginia and people you work for. im not a string that you can just tug on whenever you decide. my way of thinking has changed. i realize you won't ever change, no matter how i feel or what i do. whose fault is that.. it's not mine, not at all, so if you want a pretend relationship then say it but at least that will be more honest than the bs lies anymore".I've never lied to him, ever. I told him everything the exact day I met him. He was alright with it until he come to the realization that he can't marry me, or even ask me for that matter and that over the last 4+ years I haven't taken any steps to ending my marriage. I'd love to have my own place, my own life, and spend the rest of my life with Josh but where I am now I have security/stability, something Josh isn't as capable of providing.I do have a full time job but not enough money to support myself, let alone 2 children. He expects me to just up and leave with my 2 kids and do "whatever" to make ends meet so he and I can be together. I'm thinking about what bad could come out of that without proper preparations and us ending up homeless or something even worse. I'm feeling really sad here. I don't know what to do now. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
View related questions:
affair, fell in love, fiance, living at home, money, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): okey no one is judging you, though honestly that is rather hard not to do.I can relate in that we as humans don't always make the wisest choices.. however you have a choice it may seem daunting but you need to leave and get your own place for you and just the kids ... can you do that? put their needs, before your own? living a lie and having affairs shows little morals to your kids and what happens when they find out as they will at some point .. this situation will explode.. And if I were in situation I wouldn't up my two kids into a new relationship (as living together is totally different from stolen moments ) but neither would I be able to look my husband in the eye whether he knew about the bf or not.. your are having your cake and eating it too .. the victims here are your husband and Josh .You know you would never leave your husband and though Josh message was rather rough it didn't speak untrue to me, from what you have putDo you love Josh ? I mean certainly, I don't know you well enough but Josh feels he does and something has occurred something that makes him doubt what you tell him? He doesn't believe you lie in bed and don't have sex? tbh I highly doubt that as well.. as your husband or yourself could always lie on the couch once the kids were asleep .. I would let Josh go .. and either salvage what you can with your husband or move out .. or live the lie without taking a lover .. the problem is you want it all.. and no matter what anyone says here, you will continue your life as your are;However from what Josh has put, I think he himself has taken himself out the equation .I do honestly wish you the best..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): Basically, you keep having affairs and try to justify it. What if your children see this (they're more aware than you realise) and end up thinking cheating on their partners is the way to "solve" things? Is that really the message and view of relationships you want them to develop?
I think you should either stop your affair (which is what it is until you're divorced), or get a divorce and do it amicably, which sounds like you could have a similar friendship/relationship with your husband but you wouldn't live together and you'd be able to have a proper relationship with your boyfriend.
Your children will be much better off if you can all be honest with your lives. It may be very difficult, but it's not fair to anyone to keep this charade going any longer than it already has.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): You say you balance your time between him and the children but with the way you speak, you daydream about him when he is not there thus depriving your children of that emotional energy. They get a miserable mother who is constantly checking the clock counting down until she next sees her lover.
My advice is to try to work things out with your husband.
If not that then you can leave the children with him and move in with your boyfriend since he can look after them financially.
Or you can take them into a situation of poverty with you.
Or you can find a bigger house so your boyfriend can move in with your family.
Ps. How old are your children?
If i'm objective, working things out with your husband - looking for that spart is the most sensible thing to do.
It doesn't have to be the passion you had at the start but it can be renewed companionship with intimacy so that you can at least be happy in the situation you are 'trapped' in. I imagine it is hard to leave your children behind as a mother and it is hard to watch them being deprived. You find yourself in a messy situation and learning to love your husband would be the best outcome for all.
If you divorced you husband would still pay towards the children would he not?
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 It sounds like you have to decide whether to stay "comfortable" or to nourish your soul. Yes it's difficult to walk away from security, particularly when kids are involved. I'm not sure that you're doing your kids any favors by staying in a "fake ass marriage" -- what kind of relationship skills are you modelling for them?
People do throw it all away to start over with a new love. My father did it at age 50. It's a wrenching choice, but I have to think that living a sham with your husband has to be pretty draining.
...............................
|
