A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend told me last night that he is concerned that I don't have enough sexual experience for him to get more serious about our relationship.He is concerned that since I have only been in one other serious relationship that I cant be ready to get that serious with him. He also thinks I should start dating other guys again for a few months to see if he is really the one I still want to get more serious with.Is this a normal concern for guys? I know he has had many more partners than I have, but is that really a problem? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 September 2013):
 Ummmm .. what a strange boyfriend you have. No offense, but he's full of shit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): It's already been covered, but I thought I would add to the consensus.
I mean, what the actual f*ck? If a guy wants YOU, he doesn't want you to sleep with other guys. Generally speaking.
The fact that he wants you to get out there and shop yourself around means that he wants you to be somewhere other than where he is.
I had a best friend that I was in love with at one point...he didn't feel the same but we were "kinda dating." He always referred to my virginity in the same sense...that it was a turnoff, that he'd feel better about having sex with me if I were more experienced. This was, of course...
...because he wasn't that into me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 September 2013):
 You having sex with 10 more guys is NOT going to make a difference.
Your BF is a douche and his only focus is his dick (sorry to be crude) But if he REALLY ACTUALLY CARED about you he would teach you and help you explore YOUR sexuality, not try turn you out like a freaking pimp. This is his way of saying, OK I had sex with you and now I'm done.
Dump him, tell him good luck and NEVER look back.
When is a good time to have sex with a new person, you ask? Well for me, it has been usually after 6 months (yes I'm old fashioned and like to get to know the person before becoming physically involved, if a guy will wait that long and enjoy the tension, he is a keeper in my book.) The only time I had sex with a guy faster was with the worst EVER BF I have ever had - lol so, speaking from experience it's worth the wait. And yes, at 44 I have had 4 sexual partner - the last one is my husband.
My suggestion is this. Don't date for a good 6-12 months. Get to know YOU and love YOU, that way if you run into a jerk (like your current BF) you won't hesitate to tell him to go kick rocks. Or go F himself - whatever your choice of words are.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2013):
 Run from this guy. Your boyfriend's biggest interest in you is only sexual and nothing else. For him to say that is not usual. In fact, I often hear the opposite, where guys prefer their women to not have a lot of casual sexual experience.
Your boyfriend isn't interested in being serious with you. If he was, he'd want to know you for you. He'd want to know you for sex, and he wants someone who will give him what he wants how he wants. He isn't even interested in teaching you things or being adventurous.
Your guy is gross. Take his advice one step further. Leave him permanently and find a serious guy who doesn't push you to have sex for sex's sake.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 September 2013):
 OP, your follow up concerns me.
YOU do not WANT to make this MAN happy. At least not in my opinion. A man who is in love with a woman does NOT want to share her with anyone for any reason. This guy is using you for his own jollies and high jinx. I would strongly suggest you stop worrying about making him happy at all.
Secondly, you do not need to have a man waiting in the wings in order to leave this creep who is currently your pseudo boyfriend. (pseudo means FALSE or FAUX he’s a fake boyfriend)
THIRDLY I think it would be in your best interest to end it with him and take some time to figure out what you want in a man. See the key is this:
You don’t NEED a man
YOU have to LIKE YOURSELF and TRUST YOURSELF and be OK with YOURSELF (alone) before adding a man to the mix.
IF you don’t like the idea of sex on a first date (which is fine and NORMAL) then don’t have sex on the first, second or even third date if you don’t want to.
SEX is not a tool to KEEP a man. YOU WAIT to have sex with a new COMMITTED boyfriend till YOU AND HE are ready. Every time table for every person (and every relationship) is different.
I had some serious relationships with guys I slept with on the first date. I have had some serious relationships with guys I did not sleep with right away either. IT’s going to be different for each person and each situation. You can’t use someone else’s guidelines for yourself. You have to blaze your own trail.
and a guy that won't date you just because you won't be sexual with him, is not worth dating cause he's not caring about you as a person.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): How long have you guys been together?
I have to agree with person12345 too, im afraid. It would seem he wants out, but is trying to get you to do it, so he feels less guilty.
How can I man let his girlfriend sleep around to make sure he is the one.....???
Sorry OP!! Be happy with so done who wants to be happy with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 You don't have to make your bf, or soon ex bf, happy. ( (Besides, he indicated that what would make him happy would be if you just remove yourself from his horizon )
You have to make yourself happy.
You don't have to go on the rebound and start searching for a relationship right away, if that does not make you happy.
You can happily stay dateless by yourself, until you feel ready to start your search, or more simply, until you meet someone whom you really like and who makes you feel like you really WANT to date him.
You don't have to have sex on a first date if that does not make you happy.
The best time to have sex is when you decide you are good and ready.
For some women physical attraction is enough to make them ready. Some others wants attraction and trust, orto an officail committment- etc.etc. Whatever works for you . You get to make your own rules, it does not matter what he says or we say or your ex says.
What if he gets tired of waiting ?... Then he wasn't that into you to begin with , or only wanted you for sex , or he is too much into instant gratification for being a good partner. Whatever his reason for not wanting to go at your pace, no matter how logical or valid.... it would still just show that he does not " work " well with you and you need another kind of guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (25 September 2013):
Let me tell you flat out right now that your boyfriend is full of bullshit. There is little or no correlation between your sexual experience in relationship to the number of partners. I think he just wants to dump you and is obsessed with all that porn out there. Remember the more you sleep around to get experience you can have some good things happenbut let me assure you a lot of bad things can happen. Sexually transmitted dieases are on a all time high. Do you want to have cold sores around your lips and have break outs between your legs? You know what that is called? Herpes, once you get that from getting sexual experience you are stuck with it the rest of your life. Yes it can be controlled but you never know when the next breakout will occur. From my own sexual past which was tied to single relationships i never slept around but when it came to bedroom performance i got all the info i needed and i wasn't just a beached whale in the bedroom. I studied all kinds of free info on the net and yes i sat down with my girlfriend at the time and talked about what made each other feel good when it came to foreplay and then actual intercourse. You have to do that. Where in the hell did you meet this ass? To think you as the woman has to be able to do a academy award performance in the bedroom is foolish at best. Honey it takes two to tango.I have had no more than three previous girlfriends in my life and i am not thirty years old yet. My present relationship of four years is very good with my girlfriend. We both enjoy a good sex life but you have to work at it. Yes and do not think that getting drunk or stoned will make you a instant super star. Sorry it just does not work that way. I admit i am shy when talking about sex so i got that good or fashioned book out called the joy of sex and sit down and me and my girlfriend look at this stuff and then decide if we feel comfortable with it all or not and do our own version. You might find something different. Good-luck. One last word of advice, having multiple sex partners does not mean you are now a acrobatic bedroom performer and can satisfy your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is a dork and it is time to tell him to kiss off. But i suspect your going to get a rude awakening with him.Move on and forward.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): No OP. To make your "boyfriend" happy you have to dump him.
There is no set time. Every guy is different and it depends what he wants.
Forget what we want OP and decide how long you want to wait. Find a guy who will wait until you're ready. Date for you, not for us. A compatible guy interested in more than just sex will also be patient. Took months for my wife to be ready. Took three days for my ex to be ready. It varies. Most guys are ready to go from day one, you're always best advised to wait until you're ready and he's proven his interest in you as more than just about sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 September 2013):
I agree with Person12345...
when i was with the man who became my last husband we got into the swingers lifestyle.... to be honest I admit that part of why we got into it was that I was sort of hoping he would meet someone else and leave me... granted it was the chicken way out...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo it sounds like either way I have to start dating again. If I want to make my bf happy, I have to date other guys, or at least have sex with some of them. If I am going to start to find a new relationship without my bf, I have to start dating new guys. Is this right?
Also, I never liked the idea of having sex on a first date, and I have never done it. But what is a good time to wait have sex with someone new, but not so long that the guy looses total interest?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 September 2013):
I think person 12345 is right, he is probably tryng to get rid of you with the least possible fuss or drama.
Otherwise, he must be a very peculiar guy - or maybe it's some sexual fetish ? I've never heard of a man who'd say to his gf " Ok, you are not very experienced, we need to do something about it. I am going to apprentice you out to half a dozen other guys, so you can try them out and learn all the different moves and styles... be diligent, do your homework well, gain experience, then , once you have finished, if you want you can come back and report to base ". One really does not need to be an Othello or an insecure type to find the whole plan very distasteful !
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 September 2013):
 He's not interested in you and is trying to let you down gently. When I read "he wants me to date other men to be sure he's right" what I actually hear is that he wants you to date other guys so hopefully you will fall for one of them instead and he won't have to end the relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 No he's just being an ass. It's his way of bragging and tell you he's "better" than you are. I'd even suggest he's a dimwit and probably not worth your time or emotional investment but I am VERY opinionated so with a graib of salt you know
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): No it's not. OP how much do you like/love your boyfriend? If it's anything close to love then how does the idea of him getting with other women sound? It's a horrible thought isn't it? So what does that tell you about his feelings for you that he actually thinks you getting with other guys is a good idea?
It's bullshit. As is the sex thing and you know it. I mean there's one very fun way of gaining sexual experience isn't there? Yes, exactly, with him but somehow you gaining that experience with others is a good thing?
Hell no OP. A guy who had feelings for you would want to be your only teacher.
You know what this looks like to me, he's trying to get rid of you without dumping you. Telling you to date other guys so you'll fall for one of them and he'll be off the hook. It's either that or you asked him about your future and getting more serious and this was his reply. Which tells me he doesn't see a future with you. He's literally trying to pawn you off to other guys OP, what kind of boyfriend does that? I've never met any. Even guys I know who like to swing and get off on watching their girlfriends shag other men are very territorial emotionally and wouldn't like the idea of them dating and building an emotional attachment to these other guys so it's not even that.
Now you'll no doubt question him about this and how he can be okay with it etc. and he'll no doubt weave some bullshit story about experience and stuff, but ignore his words and look at his actions.
OP there is no chance in hell that I'd be happy with a girlfriend dating other guys. Sexual experience has absolutely nothing to do with a person's readiness for a serious relationship. A lot of people won't even be sexual until they're serious and that works out fine doesn't it? And above all OP a guy who has feelings for you would be horrified at the thought of you dating other guys. This guy doesn't care.
His reasons are complete and utter bullshit, it's not even his concern OP, nevermind a "normal concern for guys". He's selling you a bullshit reason and the only important part of what he said for you is that he has told you he's not willing to get serious with you. That's it. He doesn't see you as having that kind of potential at all, and doesn't see a future with you. You see that right?`
Seriously OP, in things like this we guys are the exact same as women. Now you, as a woman, tell me if the things he said are normal or make sense. They're not and if you ask me I think he's boyfriend in name only, this is a casual thing and he doesn't want to get serious with you. Frankly I would be pissed if a woman told me that and I know it what we would had would be over if I was ever told that I should get with other women. I don't want a partner who thinks that's fine because they'll also think them getting with other people is fine and I don't do open relationships.
I'd dump him.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (25 September 2013):
 the guy you are with is giving you some bad advice. the only part i would agree with is you need to date someone else. find someone that will respect you, protect you, and not try to throw you to the wolves. what kind of guy are you with? he wants you to go and have sex with a lot of other guys , and then come back to him to see if he will accept you then???? my advice get away from this guy and find a decent guy that loves, and respects you. no guy in his right mind would tell a girl that, especially the girl that he loves. what this jerk is saying he wants a girl that has been with a lot of guys , he wants to have his fun for awhile with her, till he gets bored with her. run from this guy don't walk, you deserve better.
...............................
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 That is really shallow. What an a##hole. Get rid of him.
...............................
|
