A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend told me throughout our entire first year that he had a huge birthday surprise for me... along comes my birthday Jan 29 and he just called me in the morning and then never came over (even though he promised). His reasoning was that he wasn't allowed to because of his parents. Seriously?Even for Christmas he gave me nothing... but I bought him stuff.He told me that he bought me something expensive but he just keeps forgetting to "give me it". Note that it's now February 5 and I still have yet to receive my "gift".Should I be upset about it? I feel really hurt and I have told him this but he kind of blew me off and said my birthday was my own fault. Valentines is just around the corner and he already told me he won't be in town. If he doesn't even send me flowers I think I'm going to break up with him. Thoughts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): It's not so much the lack of gifts - which is not very nice in itself - but the way that he keeps telling you, or feels compelled to tell you, that he's bought you something really special or really expensive. I mean, why bother to say those things? That's what makes me think this is really very weird and not just about someone being mean or even a liar. To me the fact that he needs to say to you that he's got something special for you suggests that he has some quite deep issue with self esteem. It's like he's trying so hard to make himself feel worthy by saying these things to you - and then when reality hits him and he realises he can't afford something really expensive, or just doesn't know how to organise something special, he feels worthless again and the only way he can handle it is to never mention it again or to cover over what he's done.I only say this because although I don't have the same problem at all I had a strange compulsion to buy things for my mother, who was abusive and extremely horrible to me. I never really understood why until recently - by buying her these things I wanted to finally receive her approval and her love. There's one time that stands out - I told her I was going to get tickets for a really special event, even though I barely had enough money to live on. When I tried to get the tickets it was impossible, there just weren't any available. Somehow I just couldn't tell her that this was the case - I literally couldn't bear her disapproval. So I just never mentioned it again and the day that we were supposed to go just came and went. I felt absolutely terrible inside. Years later and I realise that this all happened because I was abused and dominated by her. Any reasonable mother would have just talked to me a long time prior to that about my compulsion to by things for her. But she just kept taking and nothing was ever good enough.I'm not for a minute suggesting that this is what you are doing to your boyfriend! It's just that, if he'd only not bought you things WITHOUT going through the whole thing of telling you otherwise, I'd say he's just a skinflint. There's probably a similar self esteem issue going on. And the fact that he is still beholden to his parents at his age...it's entirely possible that he has been dominated by them from birth...seriously.I could be completely wrong, and I'm not suggesting that you take on the problem of figuring out what is wrong with him, if anything, just that to me it seems entirely possible that there's a bit more to it than what's going on on the surface.
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 I just imagine one "excuse" to stay with such a great boaster: he is the 12 years old (then his "parents refusal" could make sense) son of the Standard Oil-like company tycoon.
Otherwise you don't have to bear all the bul.... he tells you, it's just a question of dignity and time lost. When we are young, we feel time is long and sometimes almost endless, but one day you will bitterly regret all the time you have lost because of things... like that, for instance.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2014):
 I wouldn't even wait for V-day... dump him now. Then you CAN get flowers on V-day if he tries to make it up to you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Talk is cheap...dump him
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 I bet he is looking forward to a special gift from you in the bedroom on Valentine’s Day. Bet you it's a pretty BIG deal to him too. So you should get a sexy outfit and show him what your gift is. Come Valentine’s Day, he shows up with nothing, he gets nothing. Do not reward a man’s bad ways with sex. It just tells him it’s okay to keep being a jackass, because he still gets what he wants. Plus, you should not do anything sexual from now up to Valentine’s Day. Let the need drive him crazy. You cannot change people, but you can teach them.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Its not just about gifts, its about remembering special occasions and making the person feel special. Your BF has failed on both. Surely on Christmas he should have got you something. I don't care how rich or poor, its simply the thought that counts. Make dinner or buy something sentimental, but to not bother altogether, shows lack of interest and shows that he is really indifferent to upsetting you. Dump him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 February 2014):
 Your relationship revolves around gifts? Or is it the fact that he keep making promises and then keep disappointing you?
As for not coming over on your birthday.. his excuse his PARENTS wouldn't let him? Why? Were the weather/roads horrible? Or do they not approve of you?
He seems like now that he "has" you he doesn't need to treat you.
Personally, I would be more annoyed with the broken promises then not getting "stuff".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): Don't wait for Valentine's day, dump him now. He is not worth a second more of your time. Take a look at his past behaviour, and is the best predictor of future behaviour.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (6 February 2014):
I wouldn't dump him for the lack of flowers on Valentines day, I'd dump him because he's a cheap, spineless liar. You can do way better.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Your boyfriend sucks. He's pathetic. Dump him.
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