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My boyfriend is tiring me out by following a routine that does not suit a young mother. What can I do to get him to realise this?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Health, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 May 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone my problem is my boyfriend we have been together for nearly 3 year we have a 5 month old son together.

He goes to work, finishes at 4 comes to mine at 6 for tea, goes home, and comes back when our son is asleep.

By then I'm tired and going to bed.

I have mentioned this to him but he says I'm nagging I feel like I'm a single parent what should I do thank you

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2015):

"I feel like I'm a single parent"

As an unmarried mother who is living on her own, you ARE a single parent.

"what should I do"

Accept the above reality and proceed accordingly. If he has no interest in being actively involved in his child's life then stop catering to him. And if you don't have an order of child support then get one ASAP.

I'd be very curious to know the circumstances under which you came to have a child with a guy with whom you are not living and who shows no interest in being a father, and if this was a planned pregnancy then why you thought it would be a good idea.

The only thing I'd find more unfathomable than a woman having one kid and being in this situation would be a woman having two kids and being in this situation. As a previous aunt says, this scenario sounds awfully familiar.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (30 May 2015):

Ciar agony auntThis scenario sounds awfully familiar.

I have to agree that you ARE a single parent so perhaps you should begin acting as one.

Assuming I've understood this correctly, your boyfriend does not live with you but he has a key, or he doesn't have a key so you let him in.

Solution: Change the locks. If he never had a key then just don't answer the door. Turn off the lights to show that you're not up and about. Don't make any announcements. Just treat him as you would any friend who showed up when you were on your way to bed. Polite dismissal WITHOUT letting them in the front door.

Start living your own life. If you're there and up for company have him over but tell him you'll be going to bed and such and such time. Otherwise go out with friend, visit family. Take your son for a walk, to the park, join a 'mommy and me' type of group and meet other women with very young children.

Screen your calls by turning off your ringer when you want some quiet time.

When your boyfriend asks why you're never around, be matter of fact and upbeat...you were out, you were asleep, etc etc... Do NOT use it as a chance to complain about the past or let him think it has anything to do with him. Treat him as though he is not a priority, the way you would with a casual acquaintance. Polite, friendly but more formal than you are with those closer to you.

If your boyfriend sees you puling away, and CHEERFULLY, this shows him you've changed, that things have changed and as long as he is kept on his toes in this way, he will be more inclined to change for the better too.

Please note: you don't stop doing this once you find it's working. You keep it up forever. If your boyfriend were a slid, responsible guy you two would be married and raising your son together. Right now he's got the best of both worlds. The comforts of 'home' and 'family' with the freedom of a bachelor.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 May 2015):

chigirl agony auntNot only do you feel like a single parent, you are in effect a single parent. Does he do any care taking at all??

How about you leave your son with his father for some time. Then you can go to work, visit for tea, and leave again. I think that would help your situation tremendously.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2015):

Does this guy have another family somewhere?! Why isn't he there raising your child together with you?

You've been together years, yet he doesn't have any part in raising his child and instead waits for them to be in bed before coming back?

Personally I would tell him not to bother coming back, and he can make.more of an effort with his child. Seriously where is this man going when he just saunters off after having you feed him?!

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (30 May 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWhy dont you live together?? You have a baby together so why the separate living arrangement?

How exactly does he contribute to the logistics of your house and the relationship? Because as of now, it seems like he's having the best time ever...he has a child but zero responsibility and he has a girlfriend who's the mother of his child but again has zero responsibility! He has you for sex and he has you to cook for him when he needs food, he has your place for comfort and a baby on the side who, frankly, he doesn't seem to care two hoots about. And then he has the audacity to say that you nag him!

You're letting him off too easily OP. Why did you agree to have a baby with this man under such conditions? By what little you've mentioned, it sounds like this has been the arrangement all along.

Tell him that you will bloody well nag him to his death unless he mans up and takes equal responsibility towards the relationship, the baby and you. You are not here to give him a hot cup of tea in the evening and sex at night. You are the mother of his child and he better pull his socks up and help you in taking care of the baby and behave like a responsible, loving partner towards you.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom + , writes (30 May 2015):

celtic_tiger agony auntYou have been together 3 years, have a 5 month old son, yet you do not live together?

To me, this is lots of warning bells ringing very loudly!

You are right, when you say you are a single parent.

He is not taking ANY responsibility for your (joint) child.

YOU are the one who looks after him, gets him up in the morning, feeds him, cares for him during the day, changes nappies, feeds him, changes more nappies, bathes him, puts him to bed.

Your partner goes to work, comes to you so you can cook him supper, leaves whilst the messy stuff is happening, then comes back for a bit of nookie in the evening.

Absolutely NO responsibilities whatsoever.

To be honest, he sounds like a lazy, selfish user. He has everything he could possibly want, without any effort.

Sex on a plate. Check.

Dinner on the table every day. Check.

A child, who he doesnt have to look after or have responsibility for. Check.

Freedom to live like a single man. Check.

Of course he will get grumpy when you try and suggest he should be doing more - why should he, he gets everything he wants for free?

Start to think about yourself. YOU are as important in this relationship as he is, but right now it seems very one sided. It is not a relationship, t is you looking after him.

Stop letting him walk all over you. You deserve much better.

Does he ever cook you dinner?

Does he ever have the child at his place so you can get a good nights sleep?

Does he ever let you have days off?

What does he actually do for YOU?

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