A
female
age
36-40,
*iibi
writes:My boyfriend (have been together for just two months) is on a business trip. We were chatting yesterday, and the conversation began as something like "hi! how are you?" and then we proceeded to talk about his new hotel room and his new job, which I knew nothing about because it was his second day. Me - How many people are there in your hotel room?Him - We are 3, me and the two beautiful women.Me - OKHim - It's so nice.Me - do you like them, your colleagues?Him - yes, I doMe - as women or just as colleagues?Him - they are so friendly, so nice, so open... Me - but will you stay faithful to me?Him - what do you think? don't you trust me? Me - I hope you will be faithful to meHim - No, you sound like you don't trust me, what a shame... Ok, that's your problem.Me - since day X I have felt like a pile of rubish (note: big incident on that day when was intoxicated and flirted with my friend in front of me that has been causing me lots of anxiety, since said friend keeps calling me and suggesting I leave him because he's no good and he could have done it with someone else).Him - I have already asked you to forgive me, and I won't be repeating it every time. I'm having such a nice time. At least be happy for me, goodbye.----------I lost my virginity to him on Monday (which was a big step for me because of my strict upbringing and the sexual abuse I suffered in the past). He said we would meet on Tuesday but in the end he didn't have time for me (was finishing some assignments before the business trip, I suggested meeting just for 5 minutes but he said no). He left on Wednesday and now he's far away and hardly talks to me, he will go on Facebook once a day and write a post about how wonderful life is and how much fun he's having, but he won't usually pm me, I have been trying to have a daily 10-minute conversation at least. I feel totally left out from his life :(Is it normal I'm feeling this way?
View related questions:
facebook, flirt, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Biibi +, writes (5 May 2014):
Biibi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWriting about my situation and reading the different opinions is making me open my eyes about the way he's treating me and the way I should treat him, and has made me question if I really want him in my life.
Thanks everybody!
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (5 May 2014):
If you were an unofficial couple then you were dating. Not committed, but dating nonetheless.
Most people tend to take their first relationship seriously and it's fine. The thing is that they don't have the benefit of 20 different people with more life experience telling them that they're with the wrong guy like you do.
It won't be easy to dump him, but it will just get more difficult as time moves on. And the way you describe him indicates there's a high probability of him breaking your heart. If you think breaking up with him now is hard, wait until he breaks your heart.
Even good people break other people's heart, but it's a good idea to learn to see it coming and to avoid it whenever possible.
...............................
A
female
reader, Biibi +, writes (5 May 2014):
Biibi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionForgot an important piece of information: this is my first relationship (that might explain why I am taking things "so seriously" even though it's been only two months).
...............................
A
female
reader, Biibi +, writes (5 May 2014):
Biibi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo CMMP:
well, it bothers me that he had sex just two weeks before we started dating because at the time we were already like an unofficial couple, we were holding hands and doing couples stuff. It also bothers me that he can't go long without sex because I might be absent for a period of up to one month due to my job.
I had two other guys interested in me at the time I realized I liked him, and I stopped contacting them because they wanted more than just a friendship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 May 2014):
 You're not clingy and insecure, he's given you reasons to question him. You know he isn't right for you OP, you've listed out the reasons yourselves and from what I understand from your follow-ups, you're more invested in this relationship than he is. You cant keep thinking about his every move, every post of his on Facebook, waiting for him to call you...it'll just consume you and that's all you'll end up thinking about. Cool off completely, don't initiate any conversations, if he wants space then just let him have it.
If you still feel that its getting too much for you to handle then remember, its still very early, nothing's ruined yet, you can still get out of this whenever you want. When trust issues crop up and there is limited communication, it only just gets worse, which is what is happening in your case. Its better to be alone than to be with someone and have no peace of mind. As far as losing your virginity is concerned, I know it's going to hurt the relationship probably wont work out, but at least you lost it to your boyfriend and it felt right at that time. Don't regret it OP, what's done is done.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 May 2014):
You just gave a number of good reasons to dump him. So go ahead. I don't get how him sleeping with someone else two weeks before you started dating had anything to do with you.
The bottom line is that you think he's a bad boyfriend and your own words seem to prove that, at the very least, he's bad for you. So break up with him!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): I really agree with anonymous, that's inappropriate even at this early stage... Fair enough if it WAS a joke, but to go all cold and not even reassure you it WAS a joke, doesn't seem like you're on the same wavelength... Say to him you're alone at a bar with two gorgeous hunks? Pretty sure he wouldn't like it, forget trying to see if you're insecure, that's DESIGNED to make someone insecure...At this stage you're not compatible, but MAYBE it could work, if youRe both willing to work on things... You're quite anxious where as he doesn't get the need for reassurance so much... Or even he does, he might even be trying to make you feel insecure because he is himself... I would talk to him about the comment, don't get upset, but let him know it annoyed you and you found it inappropriate. Of he doesn't make any effort to cooperate with you, then give it up as lovers. It will feel strange at first but there's loads of men out there who will be right for you. Take care :) x
...............................
A
female
reader, Biibi +, writes (4 May 2014):
Biibi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was totally serious about the two beautiful women. Why don't I trust him? It's easy:- He hasn't told some really close friends that we are together (one of which was romantically interested in me, I had to tell him myself after he contacted my boyfriend to get my number).- He flirted with my female friend while intoxicated (her own words: "it was me today, and I respect you, but what happens the rest of the time? he may flirt with many other girls this way").- I'm not clingy in that I don't need him to be there for me all the time. But it is not nice he connects and actively writes to some people, and I am always the one to initiate a conversation.- I didn't talk to him today, was too angry and disappointed to do so. He talked first and I gave a short answer.- He had sex with someone just two weeks before we started dating (sounds like he wasn't that into me, otherwise why sleep with someone else?).
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 May 2014):
 How quickly can you extricate yourself from this misguided/futile attempt to start a "relationship????" "Yesterday" would be a good answer.
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (4 May 2014):
 I'll echo the others in saying you came across as very clingy and insecure.
The comment about sharing a hotel room with two beautiful women was a joke and should have been treated as such.
This relationship is very, very new and you're investing too heavily and too soon. Slow down, pace yourself and lighten up. Be fun to be around otherwise he'll move on.
Your past is unfortunate, but it's for you to overcome, not him or anyone else to accommodate so do everyone, especially you, a favour and don't ask or expect anyone else to make special allowances for it. Doing so will be a burden to them and it will keep you locked in the past.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 May 2014):
At two months you should be trouble free if there was any potential at all for this relationship.
You are probably being too needy, that can scare guys away very quickly. He is also not as sensitive as you need someone to be. So my advice is to look elsewhere for love. It's only a matter of time before you two break up, and the sooner you do it the easier it'll be.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): When he said 'two beautiful woman' it probably would have been good to joke around a bit...assume he was joking.... Two months into a relationship is a bit soon to be clingy and worrying then communicating it over media communication. I suggest you could have said something along the lines of...."ok, well I am off to the gym now with my two gorgeous men friends.... enjoy your trip hun...see you soon X".I say this because, what he said is inappropriate in my opinion. He is testing how secure you are, so you need to show him you ARE secure.What is done is done, and frankly, I wouldn't give a man any more of my time that said that to me, if our relationship was now sexual, we had only been dating two months, he was out of town in a hotel room with two other 'beautiful' woman and when I questioned him, he wasn't prepared to reassure me. Why should you trust him? you have no history together, and a relationship is about building that trust. He just did everything he could to test your trust which, has very little foundation yet, and also he showed little respect for building your trust or protecting your relationship.I think it is normal you are feeling like crap after those conversations, but I also think those sort of conversations are attraction killers, especially two months into knowing someone.So, whereto from here? I suggest you forget about that conversation, don't bring it up again. Do not contact him, and let him contact you. respond to him with fun happy conversation, if he says anything that worries you, be classy and joke back to him, don't deal with it while he is out of town. When he returns you can ask questions when he is with you. I hope you have ascertained that you are in an exclusive sexual relationship, before you had sex with him. If not, you need to clarify that for sure before you sleep with him again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Biibi +, writes (4 May 2014):
Biibi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were friends long before (one year before) we were a couple. I told him I was only in for a serious relationship, and he said that so was he...
...............................
|
