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My boyfriend had sex with my mother!

Tagged as: Family, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 July 2007) 14 Answers - (Newest, 5 June 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I came home from work the other day early and found my boyfriend who is 39, having sex with my mother, aged 69, on my bed. My parents live with me, as does my boyfriend who moved in last year. He does drink a lot as he is having problems with post traumatic stress. The thing is, he says that it had only happened a few times and he was drunk. I can't get the picture of what I saw out of my mind - it is tearing me apart as I can't talk to anyone. My boyfriend and I have agreed to start afresh as we were getting married later this year. I haven't spoken to my mother yet as I just can't face her. To me it's the utlimate betrayal and I have to bear this for the rest of my life. I don't know how to carry on - I'll always be wondering if it's hapening again when i leave the house for work.

View related questions: drunk, moved in

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A male reader, Main Man United Kingdom +, writes (5 June 2009):

Main Man agony auntIf you havn't done so already end your relationship with this guy. If he has had sex with your mother who will be next for him to cheat on you with your sister if you have 1. Also tell your mother to leave your futher boyfriends alone. Perhaps he should get a job in a nursing home if he prefers older women. Being drunk is no excuse for him to cheat on you with your mother or anyone else.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

break up with him!

No matter wat kind of things he said 2 gie himanother chance, but if sum1 had sex with my mum, then I would seriously wanna kill them. Talk to ur Mum and break u with him, this isn;t somthing that u should live with 4 the rest of ur life

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A female reader, Unknownmiss United States +, writes (3 April 2008):

My boyfriend had sex with his own mother. And that is really embarassing like I can't even look at his mother anymnore. I even have a kid with him and is under his name. Right now,,I feel like this family I got into doesn't seem like a good family especially when my child grows up, what will I tell her about her father, and her father's mother (her own grandma). I've been thinking to leave this family and change my child's last name to mine and just go on with our own life together with my child but I don't really know if its a best thing to do. Coz right now,, i feel so disgusted to have this family. I feel like I just wanna get their faces outta my mind and pretend that I never met such a family like this. I even found out that my boyfriend had anal sex with his own brother? Ughh..How should I react? What should I do?

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A female reader, Straight Up United Kingdom +, writes (6 July 2007):

Straight Up agony aunti have been reading the other reply you need to get rid i don't think you should give him another chance think of it like this if he could sleep with your then he could be sleeping with plenty of other women behind your back his not worth it your worth much more than that. i am really truly very sorry to hear that please don't make the mistake of taking him back and if you forgive him then you have to forgive you mother. after all she did give you life

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A female reader, temy Nigeria +, writes (5 July 2007):

This is incredible! Things are happening you know! For your boyfriend to be sleeping with your own biological mother is something else! and for you to want to continue with that devil of a man is another thing! please my dear, this man does not deserve you carrying a heavy heart all through your life. Flush him out of your life and move on with life. but sincerely be on your guard regarding your mum to avoid future occurence. All the best!

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A female reader, LauraE United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2007):

If he has slept with your mother a few times - what wouldn't he do? What on earth does he mean “only a few times”, as if that makes it OK. Once is unforgivable. He is about as low as it's possible to go. Being drunk is not an excuse, not even a shadow of an excuse. Can you imagine having to file for divorce and having to cite your mother as the other woman? Dump him now. Do not waste another day of your precious life on him. Tellulah makes a valid point about your possible worries with finding another man. Sometimes older women might stay in a less than perfect relationship, and it’s understandable. But this man will make you miserable, no question. Being on your own will be better, and if you give yourself a chance, there may well be a better man out there for you. As regards your mum, I’m really sorry for you and your dad. She has crossed a bridge by doing this, and of course things cannot be the same again. I agree with others here, you need space away from your family. In time you may feel that you can rebuild some kind of relationship with your mum. She may indeed have problems, but now is the time to think of you.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2007):

TELLULAH agony auntHi,

Just reading what alll the others have said to you, and I agree totally, get rid of this man.

How can you possibly carry on with a guy that has had sex with your mum. Beleive me I do understand how hard it is to meet a guy when you are in your forty's, a couple of my mates are in the same position, but for gods sake. How can you possibly forgive such betrayal.

The other point no one has touched on. Regarding the age of your Mum, is it possible that she could be going a bit Senile, and this is why she has done this. I am not making an excuse for her, but it seems a bit odd.

My ex boyfreinds Nan got this and acted totally out of character. She went from a very respectable church going lady, to someone who took all her clothes off, in front of anyone, and did some very un-savory things a bit to rude to say. It was very sad and she was extremely ill. But she really didnt know what she was doing.

The best thing you could do would be to distance yourself from them all. If you dont think that your Mum is ill, and your Dad ask's why you are not speaking, I would tell him what's happened.

The relationship with my father means everything to me, and if my mother hurt him like yours has, I would never speak to her again.

I really hope you find happiness, but I doubt it will be with that low-life.


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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007):

How can you stand this. You need to move out and get rid of these losers. Leave your so called boyfriend, the drunk loser, cheater. I bet he is a bum too. Does he have a job? No he does not. You owe it to your self to be with someone who supports you on many levels and its not this guy or your mother.

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A female reader, love-him United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2007):

love-him agony aunt1 sec, you will talk to your boyfriend and NOT your mother.. They both did it.. they are both in the wrong, its happened MORE THAN ONCE... Why are you still with this guy. It will happen again, and do you realy want to have to file for a divorce. I feel so sorry for you, but i also feel you are making the completely wrong choice, staying with this man, as he has gone so low to actualy sleep with YOUR mother in YOUR bed.. mail me if u wanna talk xx x x xx

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A female reader, Lia United Kingdom +, writes (5 July 2007):

Lia agony auntOh my goodness, I feel so bad to hear your story! This is unreal. But I personally would not go through with the wedding. It doesn't matter who your boyfriend slept with - whether it was your mother, your sister or a complete stranger - infidelity is infidelity. It breaks trust and without trust, you've got no relationship worth fighting for.

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A female reader, M02 Canada +, writes (5 July 2007):

it will happen again or its probably already happening with your sister, auntss, firends etc.... The big mistake you made is to marry him.......'girl what are you thinking?"

good luck.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (5 July 2007):

Frank B Kermit agony auntMy heart goes out to you. This is surely one of the worst things that could happen. The betrayal is so deep.

Firstly, I do not think you should even consider marrying him. He went with your mother? No, that is too much. He needed to be a man in that situation, and he let the destruction of your family come apart. He will self-sabotage things when he has kids with you too.

I do not buy the "but I was drunk" excuse. If he really felt what happened was wrong, he would have made efforts for the two of you to live alone.

Speaking of which, keep out the bum from your home, and look at affordable housing for your parents.

I hope you make a fresh start of things. Betrayal from a jerk is manageable...from a parent it is a whole new dynamic. My concern is that you may find out it is not the first time mommy dearest made moves to ensure her role as queen bee in other past relationships of yours.

Forget reconciling with the bf, and only keep contact to get closure.

As for working things out with your mother, all I can suggest is to get some form of therapy. I doubt you will ever be able to trust her again with anything.

I am not a praying man, but tonight I will say one for you.

-Frank B Kermit

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (4 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntNow this is the most difficult thing I've come across in this site.

This is also a very delicate thing and I think I should be careful in what I say. But, I won't help you if whatever I say doesn't lead you to see the truth.

Yes, this is about the worst in betrayal. Neither your boyfriend nor your mother cared about you or your father (I understand he lives with you, too, as you mentioned "your parents"). Both are old enough to know what they were doing; his drinking doesn't count. Your boyfriend even dared to say it had just happened "a few times". It shouldn't have never happened! He makes it look as if this didn't matter; as if that made the betrayal any less important. He knows he did the wrong thing, and yet he wants to reduce his guilt.

If I were you, my dear, I would simply put an end to the relationship with your boyfriend. It's obvious to me that, not only doesn't he love you, he doesn't feel any respect for you. If you agreed to "start afresh", you'd only be telling him that he can do whatever he wants with you; you won't complain. Is he still living with you? Wow, that's what I would call a bastard. Send the man to hell!

As to your mother, THAT is the difficult part. I understand why you say you will have to bear this betrayal until the rest of your life. Now, I want to be particularly careful here, but I think SHE should be the one to worry. How could she do this to you? You say you can't face her; SHE should be the one feeling this way. I know that mothers are mothers, after all, but, if I were you, the least I would demand is that SHE came to me first.

I don't know what your personal situation is. I would move out. Of course your father would ask questions, but then, let your mother explain. Though I am inclined to say that you should tell your father about this, too. He was cheated on as well.

You have a personal value which everyone must respect. Including yourself. Don't let people get away with this so easily. Remember: this is not your fault.

We're here if you need more help.

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (4 July 2007):

flower girl agony auntIf you feel this way , which is totally understandable do you really think it would be a good idea to carry on this relationship, as i think it would be virtually impossible to have a happy loving relationship with this hanging over you.

He has said it has only happened a couple of times but surely once with anyone let alone your mother is enough.

I think that it is great that you feel you can still get married, as i do believe everyone deserves a second chance, but i also think that it's just a bit too close to home.

Will you every be the same with your mother either, as you have occasions where you will all need to be together, and that will always play on your mind that they have done it once so could they again.

This is like you say the ultimate betrayal so you really do need to consider yourself and yourself only.

Take care.xx.

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