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My best friend and the boy she knows I like ....

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends, Teenage, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, *nnaHartley writes:

Hi,I really need help with this one...

Okay so I suppose this issue started about 2 years ago, when I first this friend of mine, over time our friendship developed and he was someone I felt comfortable with. Then at the start of this year, I stupidly started developing feelings for him and much to my delight it felt as f he was developing feelings for me as well. October last year, we were at a party and we kissed, following it my feelings were so heightened however we both agrees that the kiss meant nothing and that we were to move on with our lives. The next party, he kissed someone else, but he kept apologising to me for doing so which I didn't understand why, when I talked to him about it, he simply said that he was sorry but that he didnt have any feelings for me. This then went on for a week and later that week at another party, we kissed again and this time things escalated even further... before anything did happen tho I confronted him about what he had said earlier in the week to which he just said that he was very wrong and that he had completely changed his mind. He even asked me out that night. But things changed very quickly as the morning after he kept apologising saying that he was sorry but he never wanted to hurt me and that he regretted it but that he wasn't over his ex and that he couldn't move on with me. I was so heartbroken by this and had no idea what to do. I ignored him and distanced myself from him, but it was and will always be hard to do so as we see each other every day and have mutual friends are very intertwined in eachothers lives. However this is not my issue, my issue follows about a month after this when at another party I was heartbroken to see this boy kissing my best friend. A girl whom knew how I felt about him, someone near and dear to my heart was kissing the boy who had hurt mine (but I did/do still have feelings for him) I was so annoyed and when I talked to her about it she simply dismissed it. Ive learnt that theyve been regularly meeting up and this destroys me. I can't cut them both out of my life, and I don't know what to do?! How do I get over him? Does this mean he lied about not being over to get over my ex? What does she have that I don't? Just any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Anna x

View related questions: best friend, heartbroken, his ex, kissing, move on, my ex

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

You may really care for people and feel they need to stay in your life. Well, in order to move forward after someone hurts you; you have to stop and decide how important they really are to you. The most important thing you give and get from a friend besides love is trust. You cannot love someone you cannot trust. Trust feeds love and makes it grow.

When someone you love betrays your trust over and over; they don't love you as much, or none at all. They don't honor or value your love; and your trust doesn't mean anything to them.

When things come down to whether they go or stay, ask yourself this. Can I trust him or her? Loving them is not enough; because love and trust goes hand in hand. If a person works very hard to trust you and to keep your trust; that proves exactly how much they value you.

That boy is a player. He goes from one girl to the next. Right now he is very young and doesn't understand that girls aren't toys. They have feelings. He's a stupid selfish kid with his brain in his pants.

You're being a little silly; because you give your feelings away without making people prove they can be trusted. He broke your heart twice. Now stop talking to him, or looking at him. You see him everyday? So what?!! Ignore him. As for your friend who just dismissed your feelings; she's no friend. She threw your friendship away when she brushed you off and didn't care that you were hurt. She doesn't value you, like you value her. End your friendship until she decides to come to you to apologize and prove she is willing to do what it takes to gain your trust back.

You have to take the high road and forgive people for hurting you; so you can move on. Everyone makes mistakes. You, me, and everybody else in the world. Forgiving doesn't require you to keep people around who hurt you. Forgiveness removes their power to hurt you. You set yourself free!

You remove them from your life so you can make room for people you can love and trust; and will give it back in the same amount.

Never let yourself be weighed-down by grudges, feel stuck with people no matter how they treat you, or be a drama queen over stupid boys who don't care about you anyway. You got a broken-heart so you would learn how to let boys go that don't treat you right. Don't believe everything they tell you just to get a kiss. A kiss doesn't always mean he likes you. He just likes to kiss girls. He's so young he's too stupid to know what kisses mean to a girl.

Learn to control your feelings for boys, or they will control them for you! Girls you call best friends better always be your friend; even when boys come along. If they change when boys are involved; then kick her to the curb and move on.

Make boys prove they like only you first, before he gets a kiss. Make him prove you can trust him! Don't let your feelings get carried-away behind your crushes. Save your kisses for boys who show you how much they like you.

You do not go the next step with boys, until you know what you're doing. Right now, you are not ready for sex. You don't even know how to handle your friends and crushes. Master that before you make-out with boys you meet at parties. You will get hurt over and over until you wise-up!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2018):

N91 agony auntAgain, echoing what you're already heard.

They both sound like wastes of time. One thing you'll learn when you're young is that A LOT of people will come in and out of your life and spend varying lengths of time in there.

This guy sounds like he's trying his luck with you to see how far you'll go. One week he has no feelings? The next he has enough to ask you out? Then the day after tell you he doesn't again. That sounds like a classic example of someone saying absolutely anything to get into a girls pants. This is another thing you'll learn that you will meet a whole host of guys like this.

Take note of people's ACTIONS. Words are cheap, you learn a persons character by how they act and treat other people. You can promise someone the world with your mouth when in reality you don't give two craps about that person, remember that.

As for you can't drop them from your life....why not? Why do you NEED to have them around? This girl sounds like a poor quality friend. She's probably seen you cry over this guy and still kissed him and met him behind your back. Does that sound like someone you can't cut out? What could you possibly want with a friend that you can't trust? That's one of the main pillars of friendship. As for this guy? He's young, immature and no doubt wants to go around kissing as many girls as he can. Believe me, I've been that same young kid and it becomes a competition between your friends about how many girls you can get. Some don't get suckered into it but then majority will.

I think you need to realise that these two aren't adding any value to your life, in fact they're both causing you great amounts of pain at the moment and to me that doesn't sound like something you need at your young age.

Move forwards with your life, find friends you can trust and get to know people first before you start getting intimate with them. My main piece of advice to young girls would be make sure you're very wary of boys at your age. If you're interested then by all means show interest, but keep your wits about you as a lot of them are only interested in one thing and you will get hurt again in future by similar things, so if you can spot the red flags early then you can protect yourself and your feelings more effectively.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think your friend is a crappy girl and this guy? Slimy as an eel. Eww.

He KNEW before you two hooked up that you liked him more than he liked you - all those excuses and apologies AFTER... means nothing.

A person don't go from REALLY not being into you, to being SUPER into you. He saw an opportunity to to USE how you felt about him. He knew. And that makes him a total DICKweed.

Mostly I want to remind you that you CAN NOT call dibs! on a dude. That is just not how it works in life. However, your friend also knew how much of a crush you had on this guy, so why would she even go after him? A good friend would have supported you not chased after him... That's a shitty move, but from where I'm sitting? Those two belong together. Neither of them are good for you.

As for what does she have you don't? I can't tell you. I don't know. Might be that she was more of a "challenge" than you were. Can be he just likes her better. Doesn't REALLY matter.

How do you get over him? CUT him from your life, I know, I know you don't want to but in my opinion it will be in YOUR best interest. Or he will play you like a yo-yo.

As for her... I'd say time to make new friends and to widen your circle.

ACCEPT that he preferred her over you. It happens. And ALSO accept that he is an immature turd and you can DO so much better. Next time don't fall for a guy who will say ANYTHING to get in your knickers. Take your time getting to know someone.

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