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Should I confront my soon to be ex husband about his girlfriend from another country?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2018)
A female Australia age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Been married 18 years and my husband asked for a divorce 9 months ago. We are both still living in the marital home awaiting property settlement in a few weeks time. The situation is very stressful and toxic for me. We both have lawyers involved.

The situation I am struggling with is the fact that recently he returned from overseas from what he called a "business trip". He would not tell me nor the children where he was going, except to say Europe. Anyway I found out that he was in a country where men go to meet mail-order brides. He is also on his mobile phone constantly at night and recently I heard him talking on his phone Sunday morning at 8 a.m. then shut his bedroom door as I was in the vicinity.

I believe he has a girlfriend from this European country who he is going to bring over here and move her into this house when he pays me out for my share. She would become a step-mother to my youngest child. I am very hurt by the whole situation.

When I told him that I found out what country he had visited he acted as though it didn't matter and it was no big secret. He used reverse psychology on me to stop me questioning him. I said he was waiting for me to move out so he could move another woman in, he just laughed it off and said he wouldn't be doing that again.

I am very hurt that he has gone to these lengths but I know there isn't anything I can do. He doesn't know that I suspect he has a girlfriend and thinks he is keeping it secret from me. He has cheated on me previously and has no problem telling lies.

Should I confront him about his overseas girlfriend and ask him when he is moving her over here? I have a lawyer so it isn't legal advice I need.

I look forward to your advice.

View related questions: cheated on me, divorce, has a girlfriend

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

YouWish agony auntYou two are splitting. Your relationship and marriage are pretty much over except for the finalization paperwork. There's no point to "confronting" him about any relationship he has after you.

HOWEVER...

Everything you do NOW should be for your children, and bringing random European women home to expose to your children is irresponsible at best and reckless at worst.

If you're dealing with custody issues, you let the courts do the confronting in regards to who should get full custody of your children. Let his alimony and child support reflect the fact that he can afford to go traipsing off to Europe on pleasure cruises at will.

Keep your eye on the ball, which is your court battle. This guy's relationships are NOTHING to you. I know you still feel married, but that is over. Let him go, but don't let him get away with tucking away money for pleasure cruises and exposing your kids to midlife crisis stupidity.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

I, like everyone else, don't see the point.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhat good will the confrontation do YOU?

All it will do is give him power. He doesn't CARE. And he will continue to gaslight you and lie to you.

All you can REALLY do is start getting your ducks in a row. Make sure you have a place you can afford for you and the kids, that you get child support from him and possibly spousal support/alimony (if that applies) I also think you need to focus on HOW you will support yourself and your kids after the divorce.

All of his shenanigans are honestly moot now, the divorce in in process and hopefully it will be over sooner rather than later.

You also need to think about your kids instead of all his lies and deceit. They are going to NEED a strong mother, not one who is consumed by "catching" a cheating soon-to-be-ex-husband. What's the point in that? It won't make you feel better and it won't change the facts.

IGNORE him. He is no longer who you need to focus on and you don't have time to waste on him.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom + , writes (9 January 2018):

Haven't you already done that by asking if he was going to move another woman in? What will you achieve? Will it make you feel better?

You know he's had affairs. You know your relationship with him is over. Why are you behaving like you want to police his behaviour? You don't have any traction with him any more. If he says yes then what will you do? You'll most likely feel more hurt.

In all honesty you are most probably catastrophising. He doesn't have to fly to Europe to find a mail order bride so that's more unlikely than it is likely. Even if he has found this bride he isn't likely to install her in the family home at the drop of a hat, nor is he likely to have her co-parent your kids if he is any kind of Father.

You should prepare yourself for the fact that he is looking around romantically. Men are more likely to try to get over a relationship with another relationship than women. If you can both cool off and get to the point where you can talk about the future you can probably have a constructive conversation about how your future attachments should be handled with the children. Your ability to control your husband's other attachments is at an end. You should make solid mutual agreements for the sake of the kids.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

You’re getting divorced from a man who has to purchase a bride from a foreign country. You should feel pity for him.

Confronting him will do nothing. Take your payoff from the home and make a life for you and your child.

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