A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Our daughter is four. the other night I was so ashamed when my little girl tried to stop my husband hitting me. She physically tried to push him away. He is always kind to her and he waits until she is asleep before he starts to be nastier to me. I earn more than him. I always have. He resents that. And he causes me pain when he phones me up at work to criticise me if he cannot find something at home. he starts work much earlier than me and so he is home long before me. Originally he was going to pick our daughter up from childcare, but after he forgot to pick her up (twice) I asked my Mum to to do that. So now I collect our daughter and we come home together after I have finished work.My Mum has always been a single parent and she has done it so tough. I wanted my children to have two parents. He is agitating for us to have another child but if I had to give up work for a while it would put pressure on us, even with the baby bonus that is paid here when you have a baby.And the other problem is his outside work activities. he is always telling me how often girls check him out and he says he could get someone better than me any day. He loves playing sports. He also gambles a bit I think, but he refuses to admit it. But he goes out with his friends and I know they all gamble and sometimes comes home a bit worse for wear and that is when he gets mad with me. he is always short of money and he seems to go through it like water. On Friday I alsmost felt like seeing a lawyer about a divorce. But I chickened out. Can anyone tell me how I can make this work? His brothers think I am stuck up because I don't want to stay home pregnant all the time like their wives. I feel so alone in this marriage and I am worried I am about to fail at keeping this marriage together. Is it failure to be divorced? Will my daughter hate me if I end up a single parent? I am good at managing my money and I am not extravagant. But it would still be tough bringing up a child alone. And it might mean that I have to settle for only one child and I always wanted two. But I think I feel so trapped in this marriage. He never tells me he loves me now. I feel nothing for him as he has hit me and criticised me too many times to feel good about him any more. How do I make this big move? he threatened me the other night that if I ever left him all his brothers and their wives would all testify that I am a bad mother. I am not a bad mother at all.
View related questions:
at work, divorce, money, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 December 2011):
 "Our daughter is four. the other night I was so ashamed when my little girl tried to stop my husband hitting me." (anon 30)
"Will my daughter hate me if I end up a single parent?" (anon 30)
Domestic violence harms children far much more than divorce. Already at 4, she's learning that she has to be strong enough to get into a fight with 2 adults. If you divorce at least she will be able to sleep at nights and not worry and cry and cover her head in the pillow. Domestic violence teaches children they either have to be violent and hit first, or they have to be a slave and kiss ass so they don't get hit.
Many girl children who have seen their mother's get hit, go on to have relationships with old men, paedophiles, and men who hit and abuse. You are training her to accept that men treat women like crap, you are training her to accept abuse.
Poor kiddy, if he is hitting you, you got to get out, if only to save your daughter from an adult life of pain. Kids don't need to see you getting hit. They got ears and they got eyes, they know exactly what is going on, you can't hide it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): I agree with everyone else here, you need to leave this jerk of a 'husband.' stay focused on what's important: your purpose in life is to ensure the welfare of your daughter, not to fulfill some pledge you made to yourself years ago about not being a single mom.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Don't leave with any dramatic fanfare. Do it quietly, I am sure your Mom will help.
And read this before you go to either your Mom's home or a shelter
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
Best of luck. You should not stay. He is not worth the abuse he is subjecting you and your daughter to endure
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): thank you for all your advice. my daughter means the world to me and breaking a pledge I made to myself years ago is worth it to keep her safe. I vowed years ago I would ensure my children had a Dad. but an abuseive Dad is not worth it. I have come into the city today as I made an online inquiry and they allocated me an appointment early before I go to work. My Mum is with me and my daughter as he thinks I have a day off today to visit a place. We will go there later. But first I need to sort out things with the lawyer. Fingers crossed. I need to do things the right way. I read everything you said twice. Thank you for all your wise advice
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (27 November 2011):
Having been a witness to my dad hitting my my mom, I know that it leaves scars for the rest of your life. I have memories of being scared that my dad would kill my mom so I was afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid I would never see her again. And many other memories of having knots in my stomach when I was sent to my room but could hear them shouting and fighting, and coming out of my room to try to protect my mom when it got too bad.
If you stay with him, your daughter will grow up constantly afraid and cautious. Home will not be a happy place for her. I know I personally would much rather have grown up less well off than in constant fear. Leave him for yourself and for her. You both deserve better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): "Will my daughter hate me if I end up a single parent?"
Have you ever asked yourself if she might hate you for staying with an abusive man?
I know you think you are protecting her, but frankly she probably already knows. What happens when he thinks she's old enough to be beaten? This "relationship" is already over...you are just tolerating it and exposing your kid to it as well.
If you really want to be a good mom, do what's best for your child. Leave this man, and keep working, and manage your money. It won't be easy, but I'm positive she will respect you for your choices.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 November 2011):
Leave immediately. And after what your daughter has witnessed, she will totally understand you being a single parent.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): You do not have a marriage worth saving. As soon as your husband hurt you physically, you had every reason to leave and never consider going back. You are going to hurt your child a LOT more by staying with him, than by leaving him. You can have another child later in life if you choose, with another man who is loving and kind to you and your daughter, and whom you would love to have another child with. Your husband is abusive in many ways. I suggest you get advice and help on how to leave. See someone at a womans refuge, or go to your mothers. Your husband may get violent when you try to leave. He may hurt you or your daughter, so go about it very carefully. Do not even consider what his family may testify. Do you have photos of any body harm he has done to you. Get photos. Keep a diary of what goes on in the home if you can. This is NOT what a marriage should look like, and you CAN get away from him, and rebuild your life again....much better and happier, and if you desire another child, you can definately meet another man later! It will be very very difficult for you to leave, because you THINK you are trapped... but take the first step and then don't stop... be strong for your child. All the money in the world is not worth the damage he will do to you and your child. He is destroying your self worth, self confidence, your soul... This is NOT the environment for a child to be brought up in. LEAVE!! all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): I think you need to divorce this man as soon as possible. Your little 4 year old is like a sponge and she is picking up everything in her environment and learning from it. Children see and sense more than we think they do, it is better for your daughter to be in a safe and secure and loving home with one parent than in a home where there is violence. You need to show her that you will not take this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): You need to grow a backbone and not let your husband and his brothers control what you think of yourself. Of course they will hate you if you divorce him, that's a given because that's the kind of people they are. They already don't respect you as it is so they will be all the more enraged if you have the gall to stand up for yourself. You earn more than your husband so you have the financial power to leave and be on your own and better your life. And yet you see that as being a failure. What then, do you consider being a "success"? Living out the rest of your life in an abusive marriage? is that being a success? Your mom was a single mom so you want your daughter to have both parents. that's understandable in normal circumstances but you need to regain some perspective here and evaluate if it applies to your situation rather than following it blindly as a blanket rule. Do you think that having a two-parent household that's filled with abuse and trauma (and children witnessing violence ARE traumatized even if they themselves are not being beaten) is somehow better than a single-parent household that is free from abuse? How so? I get that your husband is good to your daughter. He can still be good to her even if you're divorced. What's so sacred about you living in the same household as him, only to be modeling to your daughter what a "marriage" supposedly is and what she will expect to be treated like by her future husband when she grows up. She will grow up witnessing her father treating her mom like crap, and her mom taking it. What kind of message are you inadvertently teaching her on what marriage means, what love means, and how adults should behave towards each other? And aside from the long-term consequences on your daughter of being imprinted by scenes of domestic violence....why do you want to keep yourself trapped in misery and abuse just to avoid people who already don't respect you, from saying nasty things about you? They're already saying nasty things about you now as you are still married. I think you are making yourself into a victim trapping yourself into this no-win situation. They only have power over you because you let them.I'm sorry if it all sounds harsh, but when I read that your husband is abusive to you, in front of your daughter, and you STILL are in this marriage because you're afraid of the opinions of people who don't respect you and whom you don't respect either, I can only think how low must your self esteem be but which is understandable because that's a common consequences of abusive marriages. And the longer you stay in this marriage, the lower your self esteem will continue to sink. You need to get out now, just do it and figure it out as you go along. You will be OK. You need to learn to rely on yourself, and be a good role model for your daughter on what it means to have self respect and resilience. You ask, how will you handle being a single parent? Look to your mom as a role model. She did it, so can you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): You need to get a divorce from this man as soon as possible. You said it yourself that he is abusive.I had a guy like this in my life and let me tell you, it only got worse as time went on. I left him to protect my now 5 year old and my then 1 month old twins(they are now 1 year and 6 months old).Your daughter will NOT hate you for being a single parent, when she gets older she will see how her mother was brave enough to protect her and also protect herself from an abusive person.Oh and the whole testify thing...honestly I don't think that will go very far. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck!It'll be tough at first but if you just tell yourself you can, then you will get through it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): get a divorce! As fast as you can!! Please!! Its the only solution. Be happy with the one child you have and raise her alone. Be her dad and mom both! Let ur husband's family be a bitch! You have to earn ur respect back and you deserve it. Please take a step for yourself. and love your daughter. She wont hate you . Once she grow up you can tell her all you need you need to... Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): get a divorce! As fast as you can!! Please!! Its the only solution. Be happy with the one child you have and raise her alone. Be her dad and mom both! Let ur husband's family be a bitch! You have to earn ur respect back and you deserve it. Please take a step for yourself. and love your daughter. She wont hate you . Once she grow up you can tell her all you need you need to... Good luck!
...............................
|
