A
male
age
36-40,
*Barreto85
writes:I need you guys opinions, please. Here's my situation:My wife and I knew each other since for about 8 years. We got married on 2011 so it would be almost 2 years of marriage. We both agreed on having an open relationship as long as in the end we would have each other. So shes into some guy at work they went out a couple of times with time they ended have sexual relations (not sex according to her) she went down on him and he fingered her. Me on The other hand didn't even get that far i just felt up and kissed with my friend. Our relationship was always good until we got married. She wasn't doing her wife duties. As in cooking and cleaning the house (I'm not saying she always had to do it) but mostly i was the one that was doing the cooking and cleaning, cause she would come home from work later than me. This was always an argument. I would always get angry at this cause i felt like i was a maid and she didnt make me feel manly. There would be times were we argued and i just wanted to leave. I would break her down with things i would say. She gave me a choice to leave or stay and deal with our problems, i decided to leave. But now i realize how much i love her and miss her. So now the issue is she is telling me she wants to be with her friend that she loves more than a friend and doesn't want to be with me? i was wiling to cut what i was doing with my friend but still be mutual friends with her. I even told her i forgive you for whatever you did. Please let me get some opinions and feedback.
View related questions:
at work, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): I only know of one open relationship that worked when the couple were married, the mans wife had Muscular Dis trophy and was wheel chair bond. They had a strong bond and both love each other dearly but she could not make the physical connection. She agreed to allow her husband to have a mistressand he was emotionally strong enough to be able to deal with it. I know its been going on for about a year and the husband had a lot of personal barriers to conquer. Open relationships are not easy. Think what you may but there is always more than a physical connection when you are seeing another women every week for sex.As of to date this affair is still going strong because both the mistress and husband realize that his wife wont be around for ever. It remains to be seen what happens at the end. I assure there is a lot more going on than the movies show.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2013): Well, the whole post fell apart for me when you said you were feeling like a maid having to do all the cooking and the cleaning because your wife was not doing all her "wife duties" and basically you being a contributing member of the household made you feel like you weren't a man. Wow.So, let me get this straight. If your wife was the maid, then you would feel more of a man? Because you chose to walk away instead of working on your problems with your wife, you changing your mind and wanting her back is going to solve anything?She has probably found someone who will talk with her and work things out with compromise, not until he breaks her down. She probably found someone who does not look at household duties in the home as "women's" work, when she is working too. She probably found someone who treats her as an equal.Even though I personally think having an open relationship in a marriage, is just a loophole of never actually making a comittement to one another or ever allowing real love and growth to happen between two people...this was probably the furthest from your actual problem/s.Marriage takes work between two people. Every, single, day. It's give and take, it's compromise, it's learning how to listen to each other, and to figure out what you as a person can do to make things better, not what she isn't doing or what she should be doing and digging your feet in the sand and not budging. It's not about who's right or who's wrong. It's not a blame game. That stance will get you absolutely nowhere. Taking ownership in what you are doing or NOT doing is always a first step in working various issues out.You said you will forgive her for what she did...what exactly did she do? What am I missing here? You chose to have an open relationship and she what she was allowed to do, as did you. She gave you a choice of leaving or staying and you left, she didn't, so she moved on with someone else. So what did she do wrong? I hope at the end of the day, you will learn something from this. There is a whole lot of growing and maturing that needs to take place and being able to understand that you had a pretty equal part in this broken relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, shelly913 +, writes (11 October 2013):
every open relationship i know of has ended in divorce. why be in a relationship with someone if they aren't enough for you? if you keep looking long enough you will find someone else or something better. just my opinion but if you're sharing with everyone than what you have isn't very special is it. and as far as wifely duties.....whaaaaaaaaaaat who decided that a woman (especially one who works) should be your maid? a relationship is to have a friend, lover, partner. not a maid.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): Marriage binds a commitment. You took vows to forsake others; if you used the traditional wedding vows. If you simply wrote your own vows; you were still saying it's just the two of you, and legally it stands.I do not stand in judgment. However; there are realities that must be faced here.If you add more to the marital contract; you have to agree to the additional amendments made after the fact. You decided to add an alternative twist to the marriage. Now you must live with it. You know if you allow your partner to be with others; you run the risk of that partner attaching feelings. They may find better traits; or talents in someone else, that you don't possess. It's like dating. Seeing a variety of people will introduce you to someone special eventually. Once that happens, regret comes far too late. You offered her your approval to see other men, and she approved you seeing other women. Too late to back out of the contract. It is still binding. You eliminated the monogamy and fidelity clause; therefore, it would be a breach of contract for you to suddenly decide to withdraw your approval. Now you want your wife back.You now have little choice but to void the contract, or live with it. Letting sex rule over your relationship; also opened it to intruders. Your woes have now begun.What would have been the deal, had you found someone first?She'd be the one singing the song of regret.You have now learned what marriage should be. Otherwise; don't complicate your already "open-relationship" with "marriage." Leave out the ball and chain, and let the chips fall where they may. Breaking up entails a great deal of legal expenses, lawyers fees, and drama; aka divorce. Extended cohabitation, in some states, falls within the statutes of common-law marriage; then legalities and the division of assets and/or property become an inconveniencejust like legal matrimony. So if there was "no special agreement" saying you won't have to split it down the middle. You lose a partner, half of your property, child-custody becomes contestable, and you gain legal fees.These are the examples given for whatever choices we make when we chose a non-traditional way of having a committed relationship. It was less than a marriage; when you both decided others could be introduced into your bedroom.Divorce, get your half, write this off as a lesson learned; and feel free to find yourself someone else.There is still hope. The new relationship may not survive.She has a past. She has you. The third party may develop insecurities. They may not be as open-minded about sex as you are. She may still want to eliminate fidelity, and keep her options open.This may be to your benefit. This may be the time holding on to hope; would be justified.If she insists on a divorce, set her free. You had the chance.Now you have the opportunity to try again. Nest time, see if monogamy and an exclusive marriage works better for you.In any case, I hope things will workout somehow.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 October 2013):
 read aunty babbit and say times two
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Open relationships are when couples agree to see (and that includes have sex with) other people outside of the relationship.
The risk with this is that one half of the partnership may develop feelings for their "affair partner" that are stronger than for their chosen partner. It sounds like this may happening with your wife.
If you wanted an open relationship, why on earth get married. All it means is that you're breaking your promises to each other every single time you exercise your open relationship privilege!
OK, I hear what your saying about the chores and I'm sure you don't mean to sound quite so sexist as you do (at least I hope not). Because if you mean that then hey buddy! The 1950's called and they want their values back!
I hope what you mean is you feel that the chores should be shared more evenly not that she is neglecting her wifely duty!
I sure as hell didn't promise to love, honour and vacuum!
Firstly, it's supposed to be a marriage, not a competition.
Stop competing with who's done the most.
Stop comparing sexual activities (I only did this but she did that).
Stop arguing about the housework, a man's manliness is not increased by whether he can use an electric drill or diminished by washing up a cup!
Sit down and talk! You're worried that that your losing her to this guy at her work but she's coming home to tension, nagging and arguments, your fear is pushing her into his arms!
Talk about the chores, see if some can be left till the weekend and do them together. Only do what's vital in the week and do for each other willingly.
Discuss this open relationship thing you have going. Consider dropping it completely or setting much stricter ground rules and understanding the risk of losing each other to a lover.
If you can't talk about this without fighting then you may need to seek counselling.
I hope this helps AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 October 2013):
 Not much more I can add to what the others are saying, especially in terms of "wife duties". Those are "household duties", not "wife" duties. She's working later than you, what did you expect? In my house, I usually work later. My husband cooked while I was working, we ate when I came home, and I did the dishes. Since we both work, on Saturdays, we devote a couple of hours and both of us power clean, which when both of us and our son turn on the music and get to work, usually takes an hour and a half. My husband does laundry, I grocery shop, take care of vehicle upkeep, handle appointments and school stuff like conferences and sick calls, and maintenance clean around the house during the week. Easy as pie. We share duties because we share income.
The worst pig of a husband would come home from work and kick up his feet while his wife works full time, comes home and does everything else around the house as a "wife duty". A guy who demands this from his wife is not any kind of a man.
If you want your wife back, you need to be the one apologizing to HER for your treatment of her. Breaking her down with your words? It's no wonder that in an open relationship, she'd bond with another guy who treated her much better than you did.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 October 2013):
 She would come home from work later that you, yet somehow you had the mentality it was still her "womanly duty" to cook and be your maid? Why would you expect that??
She didn't make you feel manly because she somehow emasculated you by having you do what you should do and cook because she works late?
You would verbally bully her and emotionally abuse her when you weren't happy.
Now you're saying YOU forgive HER for what she did?! What the hell did when do in your mind?!?! Not cater to your every male needs? Give me a break.
She rightfully left you. And before you consider another serious relationship or marriage, make sure you find a doormat woman first who likes being treated like a maid.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 October 2013):
 You very obviously did not understand the ramifications of an 'open' marriage. People fool around with this kind of nonsense all the time, flouting the vows of marriage and they forget that either partner might fall for someone else and then comes the whining 'but she/he left me'!!
What did you expect when you are both having intimacy with other people????
You need to grow up! and as for all the 'wife duties'??? Really? Here's the news...women were NOT put on this earth to wait on men and the fact you still expect to be waited on whilst you allow your wife to go down on other men, well Sir, that's just laughable.
Wow you got a LOT to learn.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 October 2013):
 I think having an open marriage RARELY work for the reasons that the lines get blurred so easily and most people aren't as in control of their emotions as they think they are. Being BOTH open to others (sexually and emotionally) is not really what traditional marriages are about. Why MARRY if you aren't done "doing" others?
As for why she want to leave you for another, well, I can see why. If you both work, you should SHARE the chores, the whole notion that it's WIFE work to clean and cook belongs in the freaking 1940. Welcome to 2013 where a couple SHOULD share the chores.
In my house I cook, I clean, I mow the lawn - hubby does the shopping, the majority of the laundry and helps out with cleaning. And dude, my husband is VERY manly. Heck he folds fitted sheets like a pro and you know what? That is freaking MANLY! What makes a guy manly is NOT what kind of chores he does, it's about WHO he is. If you sniffle and whine because you did more chores then her, then you aren't BEING manly. You are acting like a spoiled brat with outdated notions of gender roles. Instead of fighting and feeling emasculated, you ought to have sat her down, made a chore list and split up the list.
If she isn't HAPPY with you, then apparently whatever changed in your relationship when you got married (maybe you both had some expectations that didn't get met or were unrealistic - such as HER being YOUR maid instead of you doing chores or SHARING the chores).
Get a divorce, learn from your mistakes and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 October 2013):
 There isnt a lot to say really - you treated her pretty badly, she likes the guy she was seeing whilst married to you and now she chooses him over you.
We are in the 21st century you know, men do cook and clean these days! If she works longer hours than you then naturally you would have to do more work around the house. Fair enough if she didnt have a job then she should do more cooking and cleaning, but if her hours are longer than yours you need to pick up the slack or let her work part time so you can feel more 'manly' and she can feel more 'womanly'. I love it how you felt emasculated by having to cook and clean, but you didnt bat an eyelid at her working and bringing home the money did you?
If you want traditional male/female roles in your relationship then she would not work, you would be the breadwinner and she would do the chores around the house. If you were so bothered about that you would have refused to accept any money she made from her job and asked her to quit so she could perform her 'wife duties'. Instead you expected her to be both the husband and the wife, blamed her for not doing enough when she physically doesnt have enough hours in the day, and repeatedly were cruel to her with your words.
Of course she doesnt want you back, and why would she?
You need to realise that you have treated her very badly, and the relationship is beyond repair. You have acted like a chauvinistic pig and need to sort yourself out - if you want a traditional life then you need to treat your partner in more of a traditional way, rather than expecting her to be superwoman earning a living and keeping a house to your standards. No woman on earth will do that for you - as I said we live in the 21st century, if you men want us to work and pay our equal share of bills etc then you cannot expect us to be the perfect 1950's housewife at the same time.
She has made it crystal clear she is in love with her new man, she doesnt want you back - there is nothing you can do now I'm afraid. This is too little too late, you cant treat someone badly then expect them to be ok with it - she was so hurt by you she found comfort with her new man, realised she was happier with him than she was with you and chose to have a relationship with him. You pushed her into his arms and that was your own making - you cant get her back now, its too late.
Move on and learn your lessons. You cant treat women like this and expect them to come running back every time, she has found a better man so be happy that she is happy and leave her alone.
...............................
|
