A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a serious relationship for two years now. The topic of kids has been a back and forth issue for us--it's a stereotype, but here we go- I want children, and always have--he doesn't. He recently made that abundantly clear. After two years, this is a different kind of rejection. If I leave him over this.... I don't really have anywhere to go as far as friends to turn to. I don't have that many friends, and I recently lost one I was very close to, and I am still reeling from that. My boyfriend has been helping me cope-- if I leave him, I really will feel alone. But if I don't... if I stay with him and 'hope' he will change his mind, I know I am just going to be kidding myself. I'm going to seriously resent him as time goes on. Leaving is the mature thing to do---but for the first time ever I am afraid to be alone. I've been going through a major mindrape this past year, and here is the nutshell version: Before my current relationship, my first and only other love ended horrificly. My ex was one of my best friends- we built a relationship on that, planned a future, and I thought that by the age I am now, I'd be out of school, with a career, he likewise, possibly married. ....Over night he changed from loving into outright abusive, with no explanation. He mistreated me for months before he stood me up, wrote me a break up email, and told me over the phone "And I can think of more ways to hurt you. " there was no explanation, no closure. ...nothing. Fast forward to three years later, last summer, he apologizes fully, and comes out that he is a she, and is about to start hormone therapy. I forgave her, but it took time for me to fully process it.What does this have to do with my problem with the guy I am with? As my closest friends now all have their own children, I look at my own life and feel helpless. (Not to say I want kids because my closet friends do-- I have always wanted to start a family. ) I feel as though something very near and dear and important to me has been denied. Got a degree? Check. Career? No one is hiring. The possibility of starting a family? Denied. So... that is why I am so depressed. I don't want to leave this guy because we have given eachother strength and have been through a lot, but I don't want to hate him when I look back knowing that gaping hole in my life is still there. I don't know what to do. I'm just hurting all over. Am I the selfish one, or are we both guilty for different reasons?
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a break, best friend, depressed, my ex, want children Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): It looks to me like you're holding yourself back by clinging desperately to a man who is not heading down the same oath you are. If you choose to continue clinging to him it wouldn't be fair to resent him for being kn the path he has always been on (meaning not having kids.) Why do you see yourself hating him in the future for a choice YOU made? I know its tough to be on your own and you're feeling vulnerable but really the way to healing is to get support from a lot of different people like many different friends and family members and even from counselors too. Right now you're leaning too much on one relationship which is him so that isn't fair to him and he will disappoint you, in fact he already has which is because he doesn't live up to your dream of having children. But he is not your therapist nor should he be so you shouldn't stay with him just because of your emotional pain. Don't resent him for being a roadblock to your happiness when you are the one clinging to him. Look elsewhere for the support you need in this tough time so you can let him go.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 October 2013):
I think it is rather silly to want kids just because your life hasn't been 100% the way you expected it to be. Even more so to want kids just because you are depressed. Having kids shouldn't be something to fill a void in your past. More so, life isn't about catching up to everyone else around you.
Besides these points, he doesn't want kids and you do. That should be a deal breaker from day one for many people. If you can't see your future without kids then you know what needs to be done.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 October 2013):
 If NOT wanting kids is a deal breaker for you, you should end it.
I also don't think he did anything wrong. If he stated from the get go, NO KIDS, then me meant it and no matter how much YOU love him and HE loves you, that wasn't going to change.
You were just HOPING he would want what YOU want down the line.
Focus on you. Find that job you want, the place you want to be in and THEN "worry" about a man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2013): Your bf has done no wrong, he is not guilty of anything. I am afraid to say this is all on you. He has never lied to you about his stance on kids. You chose to be with him knowing he doesn't want kids. Why should there still be a "back and forth" on this issue when you have always known darn well where he stands? You have been trying to change him.
You must break up. Its not fair to him to keep disrespecting his life choice just because YOU are too afraid to go out and find another partner more compatible for you.
Stop using him as a security blanket while trying to change him to your life choices. Both are not nice things to do especially to someone you claim to care about.
OK lets see what is in it for you if you break up. The sooner you break up the more time you have to find a new partner to settle down and start a family with. If kids is what you want then don't waste anither day with this guy.
If you choose to stay with him and not have kids, it wouldn't be fair of you to hate him for it since he told you all along he doesn't want kids so YOU made the choice to stay with him knowing this. Therefore you must end he relationship now.
You will be fine on your own. Don't ruin the rest of your life by giving up kids just because you're afraid to spend some relatively short (in the grand scheme) amount of time on your own. If you live to be 90, being single for a few years right now is a just a blip on the screen. And it may not even be that long. Don't ruin someone else's life by pressuring him to have kids against his will, just because you don't want to spend some relatively short time alone as is necessary to be available to seek out a new partner.
If you have really strong fears of being alone then talk to a counselor or therapist.
Again. You will be fine on your own. Make new friends, don't cling to one person to solve your loneliness and require him to fulfilled all your needs.
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A
female
reader, Soconfusedanymore +, writes (11 October 2013):
 Sometimes the people we thought we were meant to be with, really aren't . I am so sorry you are having such a tough time with this. If a man tells you he doesn't want kids, believe him. Men don't have the same mindset of a woman. There are no hidden messages behind the things they say. If a family is something you have always dreamt of, then this is not the man for you. It always hurts to have to let someone go, but you don't want to wake up one day and you're 63, looking back on your life with regret. Kids are an absolute joy. They bring happiness when you're sad. They give you unconditional love. The best jewelry a woman can have around their neck is the arms on her child hugging her. Do you want to miss out on such a blessing? This is such a difficult situation, and unfortunately it is a situation that someone, if not both will be huty over. I would try and sit him down and explain why having a child is so important to you. Let him know where you stand. Don't give up a milestone that is important to you.
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A
female
reader, shelly913 +, writes (11 October 2013):
you need to eccept that he does not want children. appreciate that he has been honest with you and did not mislead you. if you want a family, you need to be in a relationship with someone who also wants that. as for not having anyone to confide in or give you support, a counseler might be very helpful. they are supportive and will give you unbiased advice. i hope find the man of your dreams and the family you deserve.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2013):
 Well, the good news is that you know now that he doesn't want kids ever, so you can make that big scary life leap and move on. He's not your life partner, unless you are looking for a life partner you can blame forever for not having kids?
It sounds all a bit unhealthy for you, you don't have many friends, did this happen in the last 2 years or is this somehow something you've wound up backing yourself into? Or is it that you've never had a whole boatload of friends?
Look, you don't need 347 facebook friends or 32 friends from your college class in your area.
Do you have any close friends, besides Mr. "I will never have kids"?
You are in turmoil because you are with the wrong person for you and you lack the strength to face that.
It's a big blow to have faced such a big rejection, but I expect the whole situation makes more sense now.
You've been with the new guy for 2 years, he's not the right one, don't hang on just because you feel so alone. You're setting yourself up for more misery and unhappiness that way. You will wake up one day in a few years and ask yourself why you sacrificed your desire to have children.
You are not helpless. You are discouraged and unhappy and sad. But you are NOT helpless.
Time to reconnect with friends and family and stop expecting this one guy to be your savior. He is not that guy.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 October 2013):
 Actually, your boyfriend isn't guilty. He's made it clear from the start that he's not wanting kids. You want them, so you must understand that if you want to stay with him, you will *not* have kids. Never hope someone will change their mind about kids. He doesn't want them, and you've hung on, hoping he'd change his mind because you're the "one" he suddenly envisions having his kids. Doesn't work that way.
I'm sorry about your ex and the trauma you went through with him, but that has nothing to do with your current boyfriend and his desire not to have kids. He never misled you on that score.
I wouldn't call you selfish. I call you incompatible. You need to focus on getting a job and becoming independent now. Don't give him an ultimatum. Best to get self-sufficient and move on from him.
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A
male
reader, BillyRayValentine +, writes (11 October 2013):
First you are not being selfish.This is a major life decision. To have children or to not have children. You are not wrong for wanting to start a family, expecially at your age now. Most women approaching 30 feel the same way you do.Now he is also not wrong in not wanting children. It is very mature of him letting you know this. For some people in this day and age raising children does not in any way interest them. Everybody gets to choose what is best for them when it comes to having children or not.This is obviously a relationship ending decision. You know deep down you want children, so you need to move on and know that you someday will look back and realize you just were not with the right person yet.But first, get your career off the ground, work on making new friends by getting new hobies, join social groups for singles in your city, and be single for a little while and work on "YOU".If you stay its not fair to hold this against him, because he has been honest with you. You both deserve to be happy, its just going to have to be with other people.That might not seem good today, but again you will look back years from now when your married to the right guy, and you have your family that you made the right decision for you.Be Strong, Life is too short to not live it to the fullist. Do not settle!Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): I know this is hard. I was with a guy for 2 years, we had set up home etc for him to tell me he didn't want marriage or kids. I tried and tried to change his mind but to no avail. I did end up pregnant, sadly my pregnancy ended very soon after I found out.. He was delighted, he didn't want it in the first place and said he was being pushed into it. Save urself heart ache and leave. I had to. It's been 6 months and it still hurts but each day gets better. The longer u spend with him the longer u are holding ursel back from meeting someone who will WANT to have kids with u xx
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