A
male
age
30-35,
*omradeKhaos
writes:Me and my girlfriend have a somewhat unique problem. We have been going out for roughly 8 months now, and dated a few years ago for about a month. We were good friends in between those years. I am in the military and we have been dealing with the long distance for awhile now. I went home on leave for roughly a month and spent 98% of my time with her, and happy to say it went great. Unlike my other LTR girlfriend, I have complete trust in her and she is very caring. Very happy with her, and she's beautiful inside and out. I love her and was very glad when we restarted our relationship. It was also easier because we didn't need to get to know each other as much since we had already been talking for a few years past.However, we would really like to live together, however doing it unmarried would be quite expensive, and frankly impossible due to the military.With that in mind, we have been tossing around the idea of marriage. A small, JOP marriage and then a bigger formal wedding down the road. In case you didn't know, once married, the military pays us a housing allowance and allows me to live off base.However, I don't think my parents or family would approve. We talked about doing a lowkey JOP wedding and then formally announcing it later this year that we were "engaged" and marrying at the big wedding. My family hasn't had much of an opportunity to get to know her, mainly because I'm not home very much, but they did meet her a few times on leave. Although my mom married her high school sweetheart (later divorced), and my dad was married with kids by 19 (divorced), they would more than likely disprove of us in my mind. Mainly because they haven't gotten to know her (despite the lack of opportunity), and the relatively short time frame we have been together. Her parents approve, and her family isn't much of a problem.I'm basically asking what you think, and keeping in mind that I am in the military which is much different than civilian. Let me hear you out.
View related questions:
divorce, long distance, military, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): I wouldn't recommend doing it, im saying that as the "girl" in that same situation MANY years ago. My ex and I married at 20 after dating 6 months. We were "married" barely one year and then I spend 4 years after that seperated. At that age being married to an active duty soldier is too much to handle on top of the normal trials of marriage. I say wait. If your love can't handle the inconvience of distance while dating, what's gonna happen during extending training and deployment. Take care and thank you for your service!!!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 Military was your choice. If you wanted a stable home life with a family you'd chosen differently. I'm just staying.. the military path is something YOU need to figure out, and if you can offer something fair to your future wife. No one forced you to make the choice between career or family, you chose that for yourself. Unlike in Norway, people aren't obligated to enroll in the army in USA. So, it was totally your personal choice. What I'm getting at is that I wont be paying special attention to your choice of career. If that choice doesn't match up well with family life, or having a teenage sweetheart.. too bad. That was your choice. Getting married at 18-19 to someone you've been with for 8 months is a crap idea. And, you choosing a military career, and then thinking this somehow gives you a free card to be reckless with your love life, or a marriage, or your future as a civilian.. is nonsense. Sorry, but you get no freebies. Even if you are in the army you still need to be ever as much a boyfriend, a husband, and a father (when the time comes to it), as anyone else. You don't get to excuse taking shortcuts. It just doesn't work like that. Choosing the career that you have also means you chose to delay any potential marriages, family, living outside of the base etc. Your choices are to not let your family get to know your girlfriend fast, your choices are what makes things progress more slowly. Your choices. Don't forget. You don't get to take shortcuts. You get to have a career in the military, and then you must progress just as slowly with your love life as everyone else, and in your case more slowly. "Also the reason I said JOP then a wedding/reception - which by the way is extremely common, several of my buddies did this - is because it would be nice to get settled, save up money, and then have a nice reception at least. "Oh yeah, so like every other teenager does: the same as all your other friends. See how many of them are still married in 20 years. Oh no buddy. If you are serious about your girlfriend you'll get to know her first. If she's serious about you she'll get to know you first as well, and not just use marriage to get a ring on her finger she can brag to her friends about it (teenagers do think their friends are soooo important, don't they?). Do yourself a favour. Don't take shortcuts. Wait it out. Take responsibility for your choices: if your career doesn't support family life then you got to work twice as hard as others, because you can't take shortcuts.
...............................
A
male
reader, KomradeKhaos +, writes (25 June 2012):
KomradeKhaos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me make it clear that I am not wanting to marry because of the benefits - in fact I already make BAS (one of two pay benefits you receive when married) due to my work schedule. We are only wanting to eliminate the long distance. As far as her situation, she is working on a CNA and is currently working in assisted living. There are many job openings for that here and she wants to continue working towards her RN - both of which would be possible even if she moved here.Also the reason I said JOP then a wedding/reception - which by the way is extremely common, several of my buddies did this - is because it would be nice to get settled, save up money, and then have a nice reception at least. On the other hand, we could just wait and do a formal wedding - which isn't much of a big deal to me, but of course that seems to be every girl's dream and I would feel bad if she didn't get to have her day so to speak.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 June 2012):
 I know the military doesn't acknowledge girlfriend or fiancees, they do not exist so to speak, but honestly you CAN make it work around the Army (depending on your rank of course, since most bases don't allow E4 and below to live off post) but certain COC's do let soldiers who have a fiancee living off base live with her IF he is dependable, on time and never in trouble. I see it all the time down here.
My husband was married at 19. It lasted all of 2 years. They actually spend a longer time being separated and waiting for the divorce to go though then they did being married. They knew each other for about 10 months before getting married.
Has your GF no aspirations of a college degree? Or a career? A job? something other then being a "military wife"?
I think if she is the one you want to BE with (and not for all the "glorious" benefits) you should TAKE the time to introduce her to your family. You obviously think highly of your parents approval. Whether they approve or not is a lot less important, but I think to just do a JOP for the benefits and so your parents can't stop you is showing immaturity as far as how you conduct relationships. With your GF and your parents.
I didn't marry my husband til late 20's - there was no deceit and we spend a good part of 18 months travelling back and forth getting to know each other, the families and friends. If it had been down to me I would have dated/lived together a lot longer before marriage. I simply don't think there should ever be a hurry to marry and never for any monetary benefits.
I also agree that two weddings is kinda ridiculous. Either go for a JOP and small/big reception or take the time and plan a wedding. We had the same "bright" idea at first since we are from two different continents it would be nice to have two celebrations so everyone could attend. However, once we had our small wedding, there was no real point for a big one. Married is married. My parents did throw a us a party for everyone who couldn't attend our marriage in the US to come celebrate, but it was more of a send off then anything else and it wasn't for presents either.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 June 2012):
 My daughter was dating a soldier and they were sure it was the real thing and would love each other forever. He was to be deployed over seas and because you get extra money if you are deployed and married, he almost convinced her to elope and tell her father and I after he left. Luckily she didn't go for it and they broke up not long after he returned. Military service isn't forever but marriage is supposed to be. And by the way, thank you for Your service.
...............................
A
female
reader, seeyes22 +, writes (25 June 2012):
Wow! This is a simple one. If you are old enough to be in the military then you can make your own decisions. If I were the girl I would run away from you like a bullet. If mommy and daddy are calling the shots, marry them. I married when I was 19 and my husband was 21..This anniversary will be our 56th.
...............................
A
female
reader, seeyes22 +, writes (25 June 2012):
Wow! This is a simple one. If you are old enough to be in the military then you can make your own decisions. If I were the girl I would run away from you like a bullet. If mommy and daddy are calling the shots, marry them.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 I bet they disapprove.It sounds like rash behaviour getting married at 18-21, after dating a girl for just 8 months ( ok , 9 with the month of years ago ) most of which spent LDR. ( Of course she is loving and caring now when you come on leave, but you should first find out if you two still get along so wellwhen you see each other all the time )
Maybe they also disapprove because thay have gone through the same experience of getting married too young, and it did not work. Ok, every marriage is different and you are not your father or your mother, but still 18 or 21 is very young to handle a committment like marriage, statistically speaking you don't have a whole lot of odds of a happily ever after.
Whatever you decided to do, no you can't get married at a JOP then say you are engaged. Married people can't be engaged ! Why would you do that anyway, to get more wedding presents out of people ?... What if they found out that you are actually already married, would not that be embarassing ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 June 2012):
 I think that dating for 8 months isn't really enough time to move in together, let alone get married. If the reasons for getting married are purely logistical, it's really not getting started with the best possible situation.
You know your family won't approve without even having had the conversation with them because you know what their objections will be.
Bottom line is that it's your life and you're both grown ups and can decide for yourself, but is it really a good idea? At this point in time, I don't think so. Date for at least another 4 months, and pay attention to your compatibility in that time. You're in the honeymoon phase, which is fun and great and all, but those rosy-colored love goggles you have on also may cause you to ignore things that may wind up being relationship-killers down the line. They may also cause you to make decisions that aren't in your best longterm interests.
Why not discuss it with your family and get some feedback and advice from people who love you who have been there, done that.
Thank you for your service, by the way.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 June 2012):
 IF you are still so concerned with what your parents think and feel you are probably too young to get married.
As you can see from your own parents, marrying young is not a great idea. What you want at 19/20/21 is NOT what you want at 30. I know. I married at 21 and divorced at 29.... I just had changed and matured and no longer was happy.
8 months is NOT a long time to be dating and while marriages can work after a short period of time, I think your reasons for wanting to marry are not good ones. Getting married so you can live off base with a housing allowance is a lousy reason to get married.
I also think if you go to a JOP then you forfeit the BIG wedding later on... you can go to the JOP and later on have a PARTY/RECEPTION but not a big WEDDING... you can't get married if you are already married. A RENEWAL of vows is fine....
I don't think being in the military should have any bearing on getting married....
...............................
|
