A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It's been a couple months since I decided to stop talking to my ex. The months after the break up that lead to this decision were full of emotional turmoil and unresolved feelings. The no contact (and anti-depressants) has helped me a great deal with my mood and anxiety. But when we were in a relationship, I promised him I wouldn't abandon him. It's not like he's all alone now, he's been out partying with his friends. But he had tried to contact me a few times, but I couldn't deal with it at the time.I no longer want a relationship with him, but I'm debating whether or not to try and make contact as friends. Some concerns are:-I don't want to go back to feeling all anxious about him and what he's doing-I don't want to mess with his head by contacting him again. I don't know where he's at in "the healing process"Am I worrying about the whole "abandoning" thing for no reason? It's just that he's had a lot of friends and family leave him, and I promised I wasn't going to be one of them.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (21 January 2012):
 That's a good girl...good luck xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies. I figured that would be best, I guess I just needed to hear someone else tell me [objectively] as well. Keeping up w/ no contact.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 January 2012):
As the old saying goes:
'When in doubt...Don't'
You don't owe him anything so don't go back there...keep moving foward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): you need to give him more credit than that. He will eventually be just fine without you. you don't need to 'save' him,
if a real emergency or disaster occurred to him would you help him out if he needed help? yes? then you haven't 'abandoned' him.
that's not the same thing as maintaining some sort of regular ongoing daily relationship that you don't want. he'll find someone new sooner if you stay out the picture.
I'm sorry that he's had a lot of people leave him in the past, but that had nothing to do with you. you also have to wonder if HE had something to do with driving those people away if the common denominator in all of those was himself.
if he has an abandonment complex, that really is his job to learn how to deal with, not your job to maintain a relationship you're not comfortable with.
often the best way to move forward is to completely leave the past behind. looking over your shoulder can cause you to get sucked back into old patterns and problems.
Not all promises should be kept, and that's because the context has changed. would you stay with an abusive or cheating partner simply because early on before things got that bad you had promised never to leave him? if you promised to be a bridesmaid at your friend's wedding but then a family member died in an accident the day before the wedding would you be expected to follow through on your promise?
and finally, on the subject of remaining friends with an ex. Yes there are people who find they have a better relationship as just friends and exes than when they were together. however, this does not happen until long after both people are over each other and over the relationship and long since moved on. And also if their intimate relationship did not involve a lot of hurt and pain but was just boring or mutually disappointing. friends are people you feel positively toward. If you're fresh from a breakup you have a lot of negative feelings lingering, which gets in the way of true friendship.
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A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (21 January 2012):
 All promises are off when people break up. There are always unresolved feelings and predicaments. For the reasons you mentioned and more, and, if you 100% plan to move on: stick to zero contact for at least 90-days.
For your promise, and, only after his doings cause you no stress, you can try to speak/text on friendly terms once in a while. Avoid it if he is calling too much or not calling at all. Plan for it when you are: 1) in a positive mode and 2) ready to under-react to any ex drama or awkwardness.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 January 2012):
Don't go back to him. If you've cut contact, it needs to stay that way. To go back to him will just mess with his head, and from what you've said he's probably had enough of that in his past anyway.
You need to move on from him, as much as he's moving on from you. He'll be fine, as will you. But it will get messy and confusing if you try to go back now.
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