A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone what do you when you realise your partner is a lazy lowlife scrounger when I first met my partner he had a job his own flat and looked after himself that was 6 years ago fast forward to now he is a selfish scruffy low life who thinks of no one but himself we have a 4 year old daughter together who is amazing he only baths once a week doesn’t get his hair cut doesn’t shave and I found out he is smoking weed behind my back apparently he has done it for 2 years I didn’t know as we sleep in separate room and he was going out to smoke it once I had gone to bed I feel trapped and don’t know what to do as he always puts the guilt trip on me about our daughter if we split up he doesn’t work I work split shifts at my job while our daughter is at school and on a evening but my mam looks after her for me so I know If I left I will be financially secure as I pay everything now anyway what do I do I always feel so guilty for thinking of ending it
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): You can still maintain a civil relationship with your "ex" for the sake of your daughter. Arrangements can be made to see her as much as he likes. Why stay with him, if you're unhappy or don't love him anymore?
Read your description of him, and explain how he can lay such a guilt-trip on you?
A child shouldn't be brought-up in an environment where he doesn't set a good-example of a man and a father. She'll assume it's okay to be with a lazy slacker, and a pot-smoking bum; if it's good enough for her mom.
Fathers set the example for their daughters on what a good-man should be. Mothers show their daughters how to pick one. You work hard, you take good care of your kids (that's including him), and you deserve better!
That's all I'll say here.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 November 2019):
 I get that you want your daughter to have her dad in her life, but IS he really BEING a dad, other than in name and genetically wise?
He can't even look after himself, so what good is he for the family (you and your child) - (I know that sounds harsh but that is reality).
You two are room-mates who share a child. But YOU foot ALL the bills and do ALL the care-taking, how is that a relationship?
Figure out how to either GET him to move out (which would probably be easier overall (less change for your daughter), but harder to ACTUALLY get him out or to find a new place for you and your daughter.
I think you know the relationship is dead and over, you two are just going through the motions.
The guilt trip he is pulling on you will not work if you ACCEPT that things are over and it will be better if it ends. It's NOT like he can't see his daughter after, is it? Doesn't sound like it's a priority to spend time with her now...
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 November 2019):
 Feel guilty about what exactly? Why would you want to stay with someone like this? Don’t you think you can do better?
The relationship has run its course, what’s there to feel guilty about? I don’t understand.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 November 2019):
 Is this how you want your daughter to think relationships should be? If she gets used to living like this, she is likely to subconsciously gravitate towards men who will treat women as badly as her father treats her mother, because that is "familiar". In your shoes, I would be wanting to show her that women are not there to be used, that they can be strong, stand up for themselves and support themselves and their dependents - which does not include some lazy arsed bloke who lets you do all the work and doesn't even look after his own daughter when her mother is at work.
Your partner should still have contact with his daughter but if he decides to play games and not see her to spite you, then there is not much you can do about that. She will have you, she will have your mother, both fantastic role models. It will be his loss if he decides he can't be bothered staying in her life.
You don't say whether you live in his place or he lives in yours, or whether you have a property jointly (I am assuming you rent). If it's HIS place, leave him to it and walk away. If it's YOURS, tell him he has to leave. If it's jointly rented, speak with your landlord and find out if he will release you from the lease agreement. There is no obligation for him to do this, in which case boot out your partner.
I do wonder where he is getting money from to buy weed as he doesn't work?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 November 2019):
 Forget the guilt trip your user partner tries to put you on, he is probably more worried about having to support himself if you ever get the nous to leave.
You sleep in separate rooms, you do all the heavy lifting, you feel trapped, well, its high time to untrap yourself.
Start saving to get your own place, or arrange to move in with your mother until you get back on your feet.
The life you and your daughter are currently living is a life sentence, and neither of you deserve it.
So, take life by the lapels and give it a bloody good shake. Move out and shake the dust from your feet.
PS if you are on the lease check the legalities first, you don't want to be saddled with paying his rent once you are gone. That will be his job.
Don't let him back, if he wants access (he has already shown he is willing to use her to get what he wants), go through to legal system, don't make anything easy for him.
Wishing you all the best … do yourself a HUGE favour and see if you can be out before Christmas
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019):
Believe it or not there are many different kinds of this kind of person with no conscience at all about ruining women's (and their children's) lives. Whether alcoholics. drug addicts, gamblers, downright lazy idiots who simply won't work, abusers, and so on. They come in different shapes and sizes but It boils down to one thing - that they don't want to grow up and the women around them enable this.
You are enabling his behaviour because, no matter what you say in WORDS it won't make a blind bit of difference. Written and spoken language by-passes the brains of people like this unless it's writing or someone saying "Hey, there's something in this for you". Men like this trade on women's nurturing and caring instinct; they take what is a good, valuable instinct on the woman's part and exploit it and manipulate it into something it was never meant to be - enabling that person never to have to grow up and increasingly making the world revolve around them.
I've said it before on here and got gunned down but will risk saying it again - we don't have enough good male role models in the UK for men to know how to grow up and, until we do, women like you - and at one time me - have to learn that we can't teach them and have to cut them loose for good.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (17 November 2019):
 Why should you feel guilty when he makes you miserable? You and your daughter have a right to be happy!
I left my husband because he was an alcoholic. I had warned him and warned him to get help and he refused and would mock me and laugh at me because I wouldn't accept that he had become an abusive stinking drunk. Did I feel guilty? To a degree yes but we all need to make our own choices and in the end you are responsible for YOU and your daughter...not him. Its that simple. My husband's choices cost him his life. Was that my fault? No. You cannot help or change someone that doesn't want to. In the end its just that simple. Life is short..too short to be miserable.
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