A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I went on a date with a new guy last week (not the same person my recent threads have been about). When I met him I thought he was nice looking but I didn't feel this 'spark' everyone keeps going on about. I enjoyed his conversation and felt we had a lot in common. He asked to meet again at the end and I said yes.In the past when I have gone by looks it never works as it impairs my judgement and in the end the truth shows that some of these men are not compatible. This guy text me tonight asking what I thought after the first date. I told him thought he was good company and easy to talk to with common ground but cannot know someone after one date.He said it makes a change to hear that and women always decide from the first date which must mean they don't want to see him again. He said he doesn't know after one date if he can decide if the illusive spark is there.I replied and said that some people have unrealistic expectations and that sparks are not always instant and can impair judgement. I also said it is a bit like when you first become friends or start a job, you give it a chance and in time know if it is right for you. I am waiting for his reply.I personally feel a second date is needed to determine whether to go further. From past experiences I have fallen for friends vice versa after spending a lot of time with them. Why are people obsessed with the spark? I feel people refer to the spark as sexual attraction. I understand you need to feel good with them but it seems people are being written off before being given a chance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): If a man I've just met makes me feel excited, happy and want to see him again, then that's what I would go by. If I like him and think he's a nice guy and we have stuff in common, then I would also try another meeting. But, for me, if there is no sexual chemistry (what I would call a spark) then there would be no point in dating. Otherwise you're just dating a friend.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (17 November 2019):
 I agree with wiseowl with regards to you probably coming off as nonchalant and him taking that as a sign that you don't really like him that much and still want to see if you feel anything.
To be honest, the entire concept of a 'spark' is open to interpretation. Some people think it's sexual attraction and others think it's clicking in terms of viewpoints and life lessons. Personally, I think that I have to feel attracted to your intellect to actual feel like I really really like you. I feel as though you also view getting to know someone in a more deeper way as 'the Spark' and that rings true for you especially with the mindset that you now have after figuring yourself out a bit. It's a good thing to know yourself a bit more to prevent old patterns from repeating themselves.
Sometimes being honest about your point of view on 'a spark' can work against you because a lot of people I've met seem to think the spark is the whole instant sexual attraction thing. Which is important too but genuine appreciation for a person comes with really getting to know them. He probably thought that you were not into him like that because of that part of the conversation that you guys had. He seems to be the type that views 'the spark' as the instant attraction type of a thing, which is ok too but it probably made it weird for him. I think it would be pretty silly not to ask you on a second date because of that and if there is any doubt in his mind then he should communicate that with you so that the two of you can have an honest conversation about it. I think that it's imperative that the two of you go on that second date. It will help reveal a lot that will help you both figure out what you want out of this.
You sound like you really enjoyed his company and mentally clicked with him... This could be your spark. The type that you need to experience before moving forward with truly getting to know, love and appreciate someone. A spark isn't always that electric feel that some people rave about. It's often in the little things. Many people have successfully married and stay married to this day after not knowing how they felt after the first date but knowing that they enjoyed the other person's company. It's not always what's straight out of a romance novel, the whole boy meets girl story, it's getting to know someone. Truly know someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): I think you are right that the "spark" is overrated, as often passion turns to fighting or is misleading, as you say.
Now on to your text discussion- I think your guy got the feeling you were very luke-warm about seeing him.
I think your first comment just made him a bit cautious (you saying that you couldn't tell right now)- he tried to be positive about it, but then said that HE wasn't sure if the elusive spark was there to cover HIS butt as you seemed to be implying that as well...expected behaviour. If someone senses you are lukewarm, they will naturally follow suit and say or imply the same on there end and see what happens next.
It sounds like your last comment put him off entirely, probably because he wasn't sure how to take it. Men are pretty literal creatures for the most part, and you getting in to some philosophical musings on the misleadingness of a spark may have bamboozled him. He doesn't know if you are trying to say you aren't attracted to him in a polite way. Or if you are saying you are attracted to him, but it is a bad thing. I get that this is a misinterpretation, but I am telling you how most males would be confused as heck about your remarks and I think he will NOT reply to you again, unless you message him and try to set up a date. I think he took your remarks as a sign you are not interested.
P.S. his comment that women decide after the first date doesn't mean that they don't like him (many could have decided they WANTED a second date, but HE decided otherwise). It sounds like you are making assumptions here which shows, IMO, that you have a bit of an ego and feel above him. I'm not sure if this will work out after all this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): I don't think you should take the term "spark" too literally; but everyone that I've ever actually dated for any extended period of time, there was an instant-attraction. Initially, the looks might get my attention; but I have to see what lies behind the facade. I've got a really good-looking boyfriend; but he turned-out to be the full-package. Looks, personality, and good values!
Usually, looks was all there was! He's a very sincere person; so liking him is easy! I still needed even more than that! I hoped we were on the same page, but the second-date assured me of that.
I have to admit, just as you said, sometimes it takes a few dates; and even still, you may not warm-up to people until you've spent more time getting to know them. Attraction is spontaneous; but "feelings" develop over-time. At the very least, anyone should take their time to get to know the person before getting attached to! Some OP's get totally enamored over a few phone-chats and text messages!!!
I must say your response to the guy might have been a little off-putting. He knows you don't know anyone after only one meeting. It almost implied you're somewhat unimpressed. I know you didn't actually mean to come across that way.
I would caution seeming nonchalant; because it could be mistaken as rudeness, or indifference. He might even suspect you felt obligated to accept another invitation, but your heart wasn't in it.
I know you mentioned you have a tendency to get attached too quickly; but some thoughts you keep in your head, you don't actually convey that notion too directly. You won't get a second-date; if you practically tell someone you didn't much feel anything...maybe next time. There's not likely to be a next-time. If he hasn't contacted you lately, that could be the reason.
I don't know about you, but I can pretty much tell when I'm not getting the kind of vibe I want from someone. I have always sought a second-date; just to get past the typical nerves, lack of familiarity, and formalities of a first-date.
The second-date is usually the decider...is this worth the effort? Everyone gets the benefit of the doubt; unless I get the signal on the first-date...nuthin's happening here! Some people can't hide their true-feelings. I take cue from that! Like yawning, looking at their watch, staring off into the distance, frequently checking their phone, or seeming bored. I won't even call after a date like that. Creepiness-factor? The date might end abruptly!
If he was easy to talk to and likeable; don't worry about sparks. Just continue to peel back layers until you have a reasonable idea what he's all about. Sparks sometimes fizzle! That's not usually what I go by. If the degrees of likeableness ever increase over time, you might have a good match! Sparks might just be sexual-tension (horniness)! Nothing more!
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