A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a long term relationship with my girlfriend (4 1/2 years). I have two kids (13/12) from a previous marriage. The kids live with me. About one year ago my girlfriend moved in with us. We had some problems during these 4 1/2 years. She would flirt with guys on the internet, talk to old boyfriends on the phone, put down what I would do for her, make fun of me. When confronted, she stopped and said she was just lonely at nighttime and needed someone to talk to (at the time, I had to go to bed early due to work). She would frequently contact old boyfriends and chat about how great sex was with them, but when confronted, she'd say she was just playing, she'd never go through with it. We moved in together 11 months ago. Most recently (about 9 months ago) she started flirting with this guy at work and she wrote to friends how dreamy and sexy he is and that she's torn between him and me. When I found out about it, she was mad at me, for not letting her go to a get together at her work, where he was supposed to be as well. About 7 months ago, she got laid off and was very upset about losing her job. I make very good money and I told her that she wouldn't have to worry, I could provide for her. For the first few weeks, she started helping around the house, but that very much died down. She sleeps in late, sometimes does the laundry, very rarely does the dishes and I do all the cooking and cleaning. I've mentioned this to her before that I would at least expect for her to help around the house. When she's angry, she says that the house needs so much upkeep because of my kids, and they aren't hers, so they are my problem. Whenever asked why she couldn't commit to me in the past, she says that in the past, she thought that our relationship was great, but wasn't going anywhere. I asked why she would still be interested in the guy at her last job, and she says that she had just moved in and wasn't believing yet that we are truly taking next steps in our relationship. She dislikes my kids, she thinks they are disrespectful and not well mannered (which is probably true to a degree, my kids aren't mean or evil, they are very rowdy at times, which is my failing). However, to give an example of something happening recently, my son was talking to me about a girl in school he's interested in, and we were in the kitchen and he wanted my advice. He was whispering in a low tone, because of the private nature of the conversation. My girlfriend heard us whisper, came into the kitchen and asked what we're talking about. When we told her that it's a private matter, she threw a half filled drink bottle at my son. She usually blames that on "the hot headedness" that she claims runs in her family. 5 months ago, we all went to an arcade and because I wasn't playing enough games with her, she got really angry, grabbed some scissors, ran out to the car and threatened to stab my tires. When I wanted to leave, she climbed on top of the car to keep me from leaving. We almost broke up that day. I let it slip because I felt sorry for her. She's pretty aimless without me and doesn't really have anywhere else to go. Her parents don't want anything to do with her, they kicked her out when she turned 16. One thing that upsets me greatly is that whenever she gets really angry with the kids and fights she stands really close to them, yells at them and wags her finger at them (she is a big girl, so she's quite imposing... with her outbreaks and "hot headedness", they get scared of her). She tells me that she loves me, that I'm the perfect match for her and that she wants to be with me forever. I also did some research and found something called PMDD, which is a severe case of PMS and I have to admit that she fits the symptoms 80%. I'm just at my wits end. I've gone from being madly in love with her to wishing our relationship were over and I could move on without her. The problem is that she really doesn't have anyone... but should I really put myself and my kids through this just because I feel responsibility for her? I'm confused. What is your opinion?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 March 2013):
 Sorry, the MINUTE she threw a bottle at your son she should have been out the door on her ASS! YOU are putting your kids in an ABUSIVE situation, SCREW her HOTHEADEDNESS, you need to STAND up for the kids and kick her out!
She is depressed over being unemployed, but doesn't really want to do anything about it because YOU take care of her, like you take care of your kids.... She doesn't have to make an effort.
Sorry I would give her 10 days to find a place, pack her shit and change the lock, if you think she might do something while you are at work I wouldn't give her any notice at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): I think the fact that her own parents gave up on her many years ago says it all really. You are not her parent nor her therapist. You do not have to tolerate her behavior, neither should you when she is intimidating your children and being physically abusive toward them. Throwing a bottle at your child is terrible. Im not trying to worry you but if your children start mentioning her intimidation/abuse at school for instance. They could end up being removed from your care for their safety. It happens! As a father, you are falling down on the job because you should be more worried about your children`s welfare than this womans. If you dont love her anymore, she is lazy, unfaithful and can not respect you, your home or your children, why is she still there? It sounds as if she knows you are scared of her, so she is bullying all of you. She was obviously surviving okay and living somewhere when you met her, so she will again. Dont make the mistake of thinking she wont manage without you, i think you are the needy one here, not her. She will be fine.Do what has to be done to ensure your children are growing up in a safe, loving AND respectful environment. They are not going to need you for much longer, so put them first and you wont go far wrong. If you spend a little time now, doing things right by them. It will save you years of trying to undo the wrongs with them later in life. So be a good father. That should be your first priority not this woman. She is a grown adult and not your responsibility.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 March 2013):
 I think, pardon me but I don't know how saying it in other more tactful ways, that you are a major wuss, as a father if not as a man. What, you let some woman you are shacking up with ( by your, and her, own admission, you don't feel or act committed yet ) go in your kids' face, yell at them, try to threaten , intimidate and bully them ? ... She can go berserk when upset , and,literally, runs around with scissors - quite easily she could hurt YOUR KIDS , not just herself.
And you are sitting there, mumbling " PMDD... kicked out at 16...poor girl..." Who the f....cares !! These are your kids we are talking about, and btw they are already rowdy and ill mannered, they do not need more negative models of verbal and psychological abuse and out of control behaviour.
The sad conclusion I have to draw from this post, is that an old popular proverb in my country is probably right in his crudity :
" A single hair of c..t pulls more weight than a pair of oxen ".
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 March 2013):
 I think you should break up with her. Flirting and talking about sex with exes is a no-no, and her excuses of "being lonely" are worthless. You shouldn't have moved in with her, and while I agree that she didn't sign on to be a maid for your kids, her threatening to stab tires and throwing things at your son shouldn't be tolerated.
You need to kick her out of your house and life. She is out of control, and you're not her PMDD therapist. If any guy threw anything at my son, he'd be gone or I'd call the police on him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2013): "She tells me that she loves me, that I'm the perfect match for her and that she wants to be with me forever."Of course she's going to say that, she's looking for a meal ticket and since you're thinking with your ^^k and not your brain"I also did some research and found something called PMDD, which is a severe case of PMS and I have to admit that she fits the symptoms 80%." Don't go looking for excuses to rationalize her unacceptable and inexcusable behavior. Her continued presence is toxic to your children and your sole obligation is to them, not her. They shouldn't have to put up with her just because she puts out for their father."should I really put myself and my kids through this just because I feel responsibility for her? I'm confused. What is your opinion?"You shouldn't put your kids through this. Your responsibilities as a custodial parent completely supersede your prospects to get laid. Your girlfriend is disrespectful and abusive toward children to whom she has no legal relationship and zero authority, implied or otherwise. You are setting a terrible example for your children and they are responding accordingly. You really need to get your kids into counselling ASAP, or else they are going to think that the abhorrent behavior they've witnessed over the past four-and-a-half years is normal and expected, and when they start dating they will live what they've learned, and that is how to act like a sociopath. Get that psycho out of your house NOW for your kids' sake. If she has nobody else but you, then that's her problem, not yours. Your kids have nobody else but you and right now that is their problem and yours, and you will continue to be their problem as long as they have to live another day under the same roof as the psycho with whom their father is sleeping.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): You are going to have to confront her. Insist she goes to the doctors about her pms and enforce some boundaries about what needs to be done at home. By saying she wasn't sure about the relationship, she had indicated she is insecure. You obviously care for her and sound like a good man.
Without her having respect for you, in a sense making her a part of your family it's no wonder you have fallen out of love. Either she wants a happy home life with you and you with her ...or you both move on. you sound tired of holding it all together and need her support or need her to move on. Start making changes, that will be of benefit to you all.
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