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I've fallen in love with this guy, but after our complicated past together I don't know where we stand. How do I handle seeing him again ?

Tagged as: Cheating, Crushes, Dating, Flirting, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi guys...

I'll start from the beginning.

I have met someone at university two yeas ago who I have a very long history with ever since then. We met in our second year after he just enrolled.We officially met at a party I was throwing in my house. We hit it off immediately and started talking often.He always wanted me to come out and see him but always there was something getting in a way.Eventually we saw each other at my friend's birthday and we talked all night.We kissed that night as well and once again we were caught up in messages.I found out only recently that ever since we met me at my party he wanted me.I didn't know whether I felt anything for him back then and eventually he got a girlfriend.They were together for a year and a half, and I knew her because we were all on the same course.Quite a few months before they broke up last December he spoke to me for the first time since our first meeting (a year into their relationship) and started reminiscing about our time together whilst telling me that I wouldn't have been just a hook up...I obviously was very angry that he would bring that up whilst in a relationship with someone else. A month before she dumped him he wanted to get it on over snapchat with me and I called him out to stop saying things like that because he has a girlfriend.

In February this year three months after their break up me and him were put in the same drama production. Seeing him everyday brought up old attraction. We started communicating over snapchat, sexting and talking with him usually instigating things. People in our uni caught up very quickly therefore no more messages were exchanged till after we finished our show. Once I was going home for a break he messaged me out of the blue.This time though he was saying that he wants something more to happen with me but he doesn't want anyone to know. I once again rejected him because he was proposing an arrangemt without committment and strings and I wasn't comfortble with that. After that we stopped contacting.Through that period of time he slept with a couple of my friends yet still act around me as if there was still something between us.To be honest I was insanely attracted to the guy. I liked that he was agressive and very open...a typical bad boy and I couldn't shake it. We carried on talking and we decided that maybe we could sleep together. But again things got in a way. I'm a virgin and he knew that all along, yet I was very confused about whether I was ready but I liked him enough and knew that at least I would do it with someone I liked.There wasn't any concrete plans at the time though.

Something happened though that messed things up a little. The university came to an end and I moved away straight away because I was ill.A month later I got a message from him that he missed me and maybe I should come back.He was very persistent asking me when I'm back and for how long and then when again. I did decide to go back to the city I studied for a few days.The day I arrived I went on a night out and he was there.One of people who know our story told us to go away and talk because we have a lot of issues to sort out. We had a long conversation away from everyone.He told me that he screwed up with me and that after his relationship ended he realised that he didn't want it and he was rather been with me instead. I was so confused I could say anything making any sense. I felt so saddened that he messed me around for so long sleeping with other people. I know we weren't together but it bothered me.He then silenced me by pushing me against the wall and kissing me so hard I wasn't sure what was happening.I wanted to go to his with him but he reassured me that he won't pressure me to do anything I don't want to do. So we went...

Immeditely we started making out and he started to undress me but I just was a little bit scared so we just spooned and then talked in his bed for hours till the morning when things started to get heavy again but once again I couldnt get through with it. I said goodbye to him and left.I felt like I just needed more time which we didn't have.We saw each other once more the same day and then on our last night out. After four days I moved home for good and haven't spoken to him since.

Now five months down the line we communicate few days a week.He keeps holding on to me and talking to me just like usual.Alternating between sexting and talking.I am frustrated because he doesn't say what he wants from me he just still goes to me.He said to me that we have unfishined business but we cant do anything about it yet he continuesly tells me that he missed me and sexts me still.The problem is I've fallen in love with him.He told me things about himself that just make him such a wonderful guy. It's just very painful to keep getting messages from him because I don't know where we stand.With graduation around the corner I'll be seeing him again...we have an after party to which we are going but I'm so worried to see him...what do I do and what do think he feels towards me I'm too scared to ask him.And why does he still holding on to me?

View related questions: a break, broke up, has a girlfriend, kissing, period, university

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntIf he had met someone he liked communication would no doubt stop. But at the minute he is playing the field and enjoying it. Possibly talking to multiple girls. He probably won't leave you alone until either A he finds someone else, B you ask him to stop contacting you or C you give him your virginity and he wins the chase.

Either way sweetie don't allow him to use you. He is a player and I think you are looking for something more than he is. I would hate for you not to take everyone's advice and then get hurt.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I very much appreciate your feedback...The only other question I have is...

We haven't seen each other for months now and I'm not encouraging him in any way.

We will see each other again next month at graduation and then I won't have to see him ever again. I wonder why if he knows that nothing will ever happen between us ever again he still insists on bothering me when otherwise he would already move on to someone else and leave me alone?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntSweetie if he wanted to make you his girlfriend and felt so strongly about you back at the start then he would have made more off an effort. I honestly think you are a challenge to him. My fear would be he would take your virginity then disappear again for another while. He sounds much to unreliable to trust him. He has had sex with your friends, talked to you behind his girlfriends back and keeps popping in and out off your life. He never talks about getting in to a relationship just that he likes you and sexting. Sorry sweetie but this guy is bad news he is not healthy for you. I am sorry you have fallen in love with him, but I think you should hold out for someone who you deserve and who deserves you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (28 October 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntMy guess is he enjoys the challenge, as "bad boys" do. You have not allowed him to have sex with you (and he knows you are still a virgin) so he will keep drifting off to have sex with other people when he loses interest in winning you over. Then, when he has got bored of what he had somewhere else, he will come back to you to see if he can "conquer" you.

Another guess is that, once he has got what he wants, you will see a lot less of him.

Just my gut feeling and I could be totally wrong. However, you are obviously not sure of his feelings for you either, hence the reluctance to have sex with him.

Having your first sexual experience with someone just because you have known them for a long time and "like" them is really not ideal. You obviously have very high standards (that's praise, not criticism) and I suspect this is part of the attraction for him. You have held out this long for the right person; I would say keep holding out because this man is promising you NOTHING. If you have your first sexual experience with him and he drops you afterwards, as I suspect he will, you will look back on your first time with pain and dismay, instead of on a special experience with a very special person.

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A female reader, Flabby Thighs United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2016):

He wants to have sex with you! He is a massive player and is enjoying the chase. I suspect (could be wrong) that as soon as he has sex with you you'll never hear from him again.

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A male reader, 111222 Australia +, writes (28 October 2016):

111222 agony auntin all honesty I think he just wants to have sex with you and nothing more. You're not giving it up easily so he sees it as a challenge.

If he wanted a relationship, why isn't he taking you on dates? Why isn't he asking to see you? How on earth could it possibly have taken this long and he's still not asked you to be his girlfriend when he says that's what he wants? He can say anything in the world for you to fall for it but you need to take note of his actions and from what i can see they're just showing that he wants to get into your pants.

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