A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need to ask for advice about something very special and a very complicated situation. Two years ago I got divorced and after had been enduring a very tough relationship. I always knew I would eventually move on and find someone who would deserve me, but not in a million years did I ever imagine ending up falling so deeply for someone I haven't yet met.Some time back, I followed a guy on social medias who is a soldier and very politically active. He has many followers and he is on daily basis updating everyone about current situations around the globe.. But he is always surrounded by other soldiers and we have kept our relationship secret for his own sake.. Basically what happened and initiated our love was that he posted something that I commented on and I told him off politely disagreeing with what he had shared. Later I felt bad for telling him off publicly considering that he took time to respond back and he rarely responds to any of his followers.. We ended up talking for hours, leading to days, weeks and months in private chat until we decided to talk on phone.. I had by then developed feelings for him and he had developed feelings back as well and one day we both decided to be upfront and declared our feelings for each other.. Mind you all, we live hundreds of miles apart... And he is still in duty and very private yet very active on his fan page. One day he told me that this girl had written him about her brother whom had lost his life and when i heard her name my heart just stopped. This girl has been one of the worst kind of girls I have ever met and she has caused lots of dramas and talked very badly behind my back.. Unfortunately my sister whom I don't talk to is basically her best "friend" and suddenly my sister also started to follow his fanpage.. I have for years been very hurt by this girl and my sister combined and now when I don't talk to them, it really bothers me that this girl has been writing and have had chats with him.. I haven't told him yet about the situation and what's even worse is that this girls brother who passed away was a friend in battle with him and he has promised her to send pictures. I am not bothered at all that he helps her.. That's how he is, a great and kind man.. but I know how she is and how she always plays around to get guys attention. What hurts me the most is that my guy has very little time to talk to me privately, we barely talk for ten minutes on the phone on daily basis and he is most of the time on duty and on calls (I try not to share details Too much and I have changed many things about my profile age nationality etc for his sake) and he always declares his love to me every time we speak, which again is not that often.. We spoke more often before than we do now but he always says that it's because of his work.. However, I can tell when his online talking and I can also tell when she is online talking and many times they have both been online at same time but I have no idea if they have been talking to each other or not.. I haven't asked him. But my instincts tells me that she is writing to him and he is responding to be polite, but little does he know how much she has been ( together with my sister) hurting me.. What should I do? I am trying so hard to be supportive of his situation, we have talked about getting married and having a stable future once he returns but I feel so limited and I feel hurt because the time he should be spending on us, the little time that he has in fact, he spents it on her trying to "comfort" her... It's really tough to be in love and having a long distance under normal circumstances but then add to the fact that he is a soldier, we are far apart and our time is very limited and now I find out that she has been writing him.... How can I bring this up without risking anything? My instincts are all spiked up.. I talked to him tonight and I told him that I felt that he had been drifitng away from me, which I felt that he had, and he comforted me saying that he loved me and that we would meet soon, which we have planned to do... But it's so hard. I miss him so much and its so hard having to be strong under these cirumcumstances...He once said that one of greatest arms a soldier can have is confidence and I feel that me bringing this girl up will only make me look low considering the dangers he faces on daily basis... It just hurts me and I am scared that he might end up hurting me....I don't know what to do..
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confidence, divorce, long distance, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2015):
 OP I hate to have to join the "slow your roll" chorus but red flags abound here.
1. the fact that you are a dirty secret. Men in love want the world to know it. keeping you a secret and blaming it on work is wrong. and it's a lie.
2. you have never met him so you really only know what he tells you. You don't even know if you will like each other in real life once you meet. Online chemistry is very very exciting but I can tell you that every guy I ever met online turned out to NOT be a good fit in real life.
3. you really have no clue who else he loves or comforts or says "I want to marry you"
and yet here you are all torn up about someone who for all you know is made up.
He says you will meet soon. how far apart are you two?
when is his next leave? why are you two not planning the meeting already?
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 April 2015):
In my opinion there are too many weaknesses in this LDR for you to overcome. The fact that you both have to keep the status of this relationship quiet, means that you are both not committed to each other. You can make as much excuses you want for yourself and for him but these are the opposite of the kinds of sacrifices that need to be made.
In terms of what is being given and taken out of this LDR, you are just getting the minimum of what you deserve. You get a call for a few minutes and he barely talks to you online. This is not my opinion, these are the facts you wrote to us.
I have been in LDRs before, 2x. In both times we talked for many hours, our friends and family were aware and nothing was kept a secret. We also brought up our insecurities. Things did not work out but I have friends who did that same as me and it worked out for them. The only relationships I know that work out with almost no communication are arranged marriages.
In your case you already know something is up but you are just too scared to bring him up on anything. You think that maybe if you do all these amazing things, he will stay true to you and not hurt you but this is not how relationships work. Trust is not demanded, it is earned. Would a relationship like this even work for people you know? Why would your relationship be the exception? In reality, you do not know this person both mentally or physically. You might as well be no different from a teenager boy going head over heals for the prom queen.
I am mostly negative in my post because these are things you have to consider before you actually want to make plans with someone. Why do you want to meet someone who only calls you 10 mins in the day? Why are you settling for someone who is online and is not talking to you? This does not make sense to me. You may chose to seclude yourself from social media and perhaps you are doing this on other aspects of your own life but EVEN if he does betray your trust, you would take him back (after he tells you his lame excuse ofc).
My only advice would be to give yourself a hard dose of reality before you continue with this relationship. You need to see the bigger picture rather than analyzing each thing is he doing or not doing. Include yourself in this big picture.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 April 2015):
 First of all, YOU d not know this guy. You know what HE has told you and what you can glean from his "online personality" - I say it's not LOVE it's infatuation. It FEELS like love, but I think you NEED to PUMP your breaks and slow down.
1. This girl, you have NO idea what he is talking to her about. It could be to "comfort her" it could be he is talking to HER like he is to you. (Like I said you really DO NOT know him).
2. You have to keep your "relationship" a secret? I mean I can understand if he doesn't want to scream it from the roof tops, SPECIALLY since you two have never met, AND he has many female followers.... Hence the PUMP your breaks.
3. Being soldier doesn't mean CELIBATE... So if he is saying he can't tell anyone because of his job.. I'm going to question it a tad.
I think until you have met in person and seen first hand how well the chemistry is and THEN figure out what is next.
He really CAN be serious about you.... but... He can also be a guy with LOTS of "lady-fans". Which is why I think you need to go way slow here. Not only do you two live FAR from each other, but you know VERY little about him (other than what he tells you).
My husband served in the Army, there were more than one guy there with SEVERAL girlfriends. Specially around deployment time, because these girls would send all kind of goodies, provide the guys with "home movies" and attention. Then once the guy got home, he would find someone closer to base. I'm not saying HE is like that.... but YOU need to not wear the rose tinted glasses thinking that because he is a soldier he is a good guy. The military has plenty of super deluxe douchebags too.
BE mindful.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 April 2015):
 I would take a great deep breath, take a great big step back and reflect on the fact that a man you've never met is asking you to keep the relationship secret...
Reality check. You're talking about getting married to a man you've never met in real life.
A man you've never met in real life.
You say you don't know what to do.
Do you have family and friends who love you? Talk to them. Tell them what's going on. But only if you can tell them face to face in real life. Is that possible?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 April 2015):
 One thing very important is, do you share his political views? You once disagreed on something he wrote. He's too humanitarian for you. His focus in life is uplifting the human condition, and romance comes second. Even if he has children with you, his vision would be to instill his values onto them. He is a visionary and definitely to be admired but when it comes to partnership, you would often feel very alone. He is not your boyfriend yet goes straight into marriage. I believe he is being honest, and he is looking for a woman who can accept limited time together. I don't think he would hurt you, but you need to be sure you can be happy being an army wife. I know I am not cut out to be one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right, she might as well be someone else seeking comfort. But she isn't and I know her.. But yes, LDR is very hard and one thing that made him fall for me in his own words was my ability to see beyond all the circumstance.. I know and feel him down to my soul and know how important it is that I supprt him and do not clinge on him.. I can endure the LDR but I just don't want him to hurt me in the process.. Him hurting me will not equal other girls contacting him especially girl like her, for support or "support". I will only get hurt if he betrayes my trust. Once me and him talked online and he said he had to go but ten minute later he wrote " ok, sending you lots of kisses" and immediately he wrote " I am back honey" and I asked him who did you send kisses to and he said that it was to me.. He wrote and kept writhing but my heart just went numb and I felt something was up. I couldn't even respond. I just changed subject. I just didn't say it and I let go but look, even now he is online talking and its very late here where we are at... I don't know.. Honestly. I am not insecure, I am just afraid of getting hurt like hell. Thanks for responding.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (9 April 2015):
Honestly I don't think there is much you can do given the circumstances. LDR are always tough and both parties need to spend time with each other out of their day/night to make it work. Then you need solid plans to meet up and then from there, decide to be together or not.
What you call instincts, I call insecurities. This woman may as well be some random woman you don't know. The differences are small. These ar the things people in a LDR have to endure because the reality is that you just are not a part of their daily life. For all you know, there could be other wives seeking comfort in him and you would have no idea. You pick your battles and this is what you decided to pursue. No point in worrying about things you knew would have been problems going into this.
Hold out until you meet him which is indeed hopefully soon. Not to jump the gun but I hope it all works out and that you both have further plans for each other.
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