A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has PTSD from the war and he is hard to deal with. He gets mad at dumb things and always thinks I'm mad at him when I'm not I'm just chill or quiet or relaxing or thinking. If I talk too much he gets irrational especially in front of his friends and if I don't talk enough then he gets mad too. Two weeks ago we went out with his brother after I had just gotten off work from working in the morning and I was really tired and took Benadryl for allergies and had a beer so I was just relaxing in the back of his brothers car and they had the music really loud so I couldn't talk over it. After 30 minutes we got to our destination and my bf got mad at me for not talking. I explained I was tired and just relaxing and not mad and tried to hold his hand. He held it for a few seconds and then got mad I wasn't talking so threw my hand off of him and said he doesn't need to hold my hand he just needs me to talk. Obviously he was mad but he didn't want to talk about. He just ignored me for awhile so once we got to the bar I pulled him aside and asked what was wrong and if everything could be cool. He said he didn't enjoy his time with me and didn't want me to be there. He told me to just talk normal but not to touch him. I'm a very affectionate person so of course I got irritated by this and was just quiet thinking trying not to piss him off. He continued to ignore me and once we got back to the house I tried to talk to him again to smooth things over because we were fighting over nothing and it was stupid. He said he didn't want to talk and asked his brother to leave he house with him. I started crying and he said he would call the cops if I made a scene but I did t do anything so followed hem to his car stupidly. Well because of this he is kicking me out. He still wants to be with me but I have a week to find a new place so we can get our relationship back to he basics as he puts it. I guess it might be good to get space but what worries me now is his brother is a bs influence on him and is always trying to get my boyfriend drunk at bars. Everytime he does like last weekend my boyfriend ends up puking. It's frustrating because his brother moved from out of state to live with us and has been here for ten months but makes 10,000 a month so can well afford to live alone. My boyfriend is 29 and I'm 32 and before his brother came me and my boyfriend would be happy just cuddling on a Friday night at home watching movies. Now there hasn't been a weekend we haven't gone out to a bar since his brother has been here. When I move out my boyfriend said he will still see me three times a week but that it won't always be all weekend long. Also he doesn't want me to go to bars just restaurants when I'm not with him. It's like he wants to party at bars and doesn't want to run into me and he never tells me where he's going until the next day. So last weekend he told me not to go to two different cities because he might go to both of them. But they are the coolest citites around us and I'm from here! I know most people on here will tell me to just break up with him but when it's just him and I without bars it can be great. We have fun camping and everything. Also he tells me he's going back him to South Carolina next month on a weekend and that I can't go. He doesn't want me to go thanksgiving or Christmas out of state to see my new nephew or niece being born next month without him and he has to work. There are just so many double standards I feel like I'm going crazy. I guess I will just not tell him where I'm going with friends unless he asks or be vague about it. It's not fair he gets to have fun and not me. At the same time I've been over the bar scene forever and thought he was til his younger brother who is 27 came out here. What do I do and how do I save this relationship? I'm afraid he will get too drunk and cheat even though he swears he never would or I'm afraid he is gradually breaking up with me. He starts the fights but he says it doesn't matter because not letting him not talk or leave when he's mad is the reason he is kicking me out. What do I do and how do I make him want me more? I already notice that when I stopped initiating affection he's already been more affectionate the last couple of days and he took me on a fundate on Saturday. What do I do?
View related questions:
christmas, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWise owl thank you for the advice I think you are right there have even been a few times where I've asked the brother to help mediate but he just wants me gone so he can have his brother to himself. Also I feel like my boyfriend is just going to leave me anyway because he said today that he doesn't care if I go to visit family for the holidays.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2015): First of all, to you and other readers in similar situations with veterans suffering with PTSD.
You are not morally-obligated to standby and be verbally-abused, physically assaulted, or bullied; because they have served their country. If they need help, and can't control how they behave; they are a danger to themselves and others. Your boyfriend should seek psychiatric treatment or be institutionalized. He is deteriorating and getting out of control.
I'm a veteran, and the reason I served; was for the "protection" of our rights. I served to maintain the physical safety of my family, friends, fellow-citizens; and to preserve our civil and in-alienable rights under the Constitution of the United States. Even at the cost of my own life.
"Protection" being the operative word!
If I was damaged in the process, I'd make it my business to seek help to assure the safety of those I love, and others around me. If he's cognizant enough to party and hangout with his brother, he is cognizant enough to know better that to treat you badly. Apparently his brother isn't getting the same abuse. Case in point! All is irritation is directed upon you!
He is an assh*le first and foremost; and his psychological condition does not excuse the emotional brutality and mistreatment you are receiving. You are not likely to go as far as to seek help through the Veterans's Administration for family counseling; but you might want to consider it.
Everyone on the site will advise you to; but the higher percentage of women in situations like yours, do not remove themselves until something really terrible and violent happens. That is what I always fear most about men with psychological issues that manifests in anger and violent behavior. They will use that as an excuse to intimidate and bully other people, and use their veteran's status to avoid legal prosecution; or to get off with a slap on the wrist.
It's really up to you to remove yourself. Just know that he will suffer his mental-trauma for the rest of his life. Proper mental-health treatment and therapy helps him to cope and to maintain self-control living among innocent civilians.
You don't have the type of personality to handle someone like him. You're trying to pretend this is all because of his PTSD; but the truth is, the man was always an assh*le! The trauma he received from combat made it worse. I've worked in a Veteran's Hospital, and I've seen it all.
Use your common-sense, and end the relationship; if it doesn't get better. I still recommend that you get your own counseling; because by now, you are already psychologically traumatized.
How do I know? You wrote a post about it, and you've allowed the bad behavior to intimidate you to the point you're almost afraid to leave him. Love isn't the reason to stay in abusive situations. Your sweetness and calm demeanor does not have any affect on his behavior. It pisses him off! You make him feel like the jerk that he is!
That's a reason to leave. Let his brother take care of him.
Not once do you even mention how his brother has intervened to correct the behavior. He doesn't, because he'd sooner see you out of the picture; so they can party 24/7. You're a hindrance and obstacle in the way of their fun. He sat in the front of the car, and put you in the back, like a tag-a-long! While they purposely drowned you out! Then you get blamed for being the party-pooper and not keeping up.
If your boyfriend is distancing himself? Too bad it isn't geographically!
If he goes to South Carolina with his brother, hope he stays; or pack your things and move the hell out!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 September 2015):
 Step 1: Move out. You are not helping him, NOR yourself in staying in that situation. Don't be his enabler, like his brother is doing.
Step 2: Don't agree to ANY of his rules if they don't suit you. HE doesn't own you. You can go visit family out of state if you want. Seriously! If he doesn't like it, TOUGH cookies! He can't forbid you to go places when you are not with him. Wake up, girl!
Step 3: YOU are not responsible for his PTSD and YOU can't fix that for him. If he is a veteran he has help available through the VA.
http://www.mirecc.va.gov/coaching/index.asp?gclid=CMWX3L23i8gCFQwzaQodCo4IRQ
and through:
http://www.militaryonesource.mil/
There are also MANY support groups out there, made up of veteran who help veterans. Like this group on FB. They aren't exactly mental health providers but they support each other in their own way.
https://www.facebook.com/DysfunctionalVeterans
Step 4: If you continue to "do as you are told" you are the one who will end up with a kind of PTSD yourself.
READ your own submittal again. What would you advice another woman in your place to do?
Back off from him. Right now all he can focus about is himself. YOU are an after-thought.
So move out. If he wants to see you mon/wed/thur and you have other PLANS one of the days tell him. HE is not your boss, you can't have one person running the show and the other one being miserable, because you feel sorry for him.
I live with a Veteran with PTSD. I KNOW how (let be honest) unreasonable they can get. There are days where it feels like I have 4 kids not 3, because he throws tantrums a 5 year old would be impressed with.
So trust me, I KNOW how they can act. For me though, what I have found with my husband is to not get into argument with him, they are pointless. And he knows I will back off and back away till he is calm. Crying is not going to get you anywhere. SET boundaries YOU are OK with, not just him. All these double-standards are NOT OK.
Right now I think you are walking on eggshells because you know he has been through Heck and back, but that might not be the best approach. STAND on your own two feet. IF he wants you in HIS life, he needs to make you a priority, not a "this girl who is at my beck and call".
These link here, are for YOU:
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/family/ptsd-and-relationships.asp
http://traumatoolkit.blogspot.com/2012/10/help-my-partner-has-ptsd-seven.html
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/05/you-me-and-ptsd/
Good luck - and if you have any questions feel free to message me in my inbox.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2015): you're tied to him emotionally and you care. You know he's hurting really bad and his brother is not a positive influence. His brother thinks he's looking out for him but you know all this drinking is doing him no good.But he and his brother are not respecting you and it's time you went to see your family and reconnected with the people who love you. Stop being his doormat for him to wipe his feet on when it suits.Your emotional connection to him is strong and it will hurt to distance yourself. If he ever gets some more support and decides to get the motivation to woo you again then maybe there is a chance but what you have with him now are just memories of some good times from the past.He wants you on hold and available when it suits him. The rest of the time you are out of sight and out of mind.It is ceasing to be a mutually satisfying relationship and he is not demonstrating any respect for you. Threatening to call the police showed how little you mean to him. A lot of the time it's the effects of the PTSD. Medicating himself with alcohol is not the best solution.You could handle that situation if he responded with some understanding of the impact of the PTSD on you, but he chooses to ignore that burden on you.Get out and go smell the roses and leave quietly, without any drama, no fanfare, no scenes, no threats, no nasty words and leave him to ponder on what he's really lost. He asked you to leave. He threatened to call the police. Just do it. Leave him. He has no comeback if he comes back from a bar to find you and all your things gone. You are demonstrating your respect and love by doing exactly as he asked - to leave.He is failing to appreciate the good times with you. He will not wake up to this until you are no longer available to him when it suits.You have no failed.You have been a loyal, faithful devoted caring girlfriend. your efforts have recently not been appreciated. No point staying where you are not wanted.
...............................
|
