A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need some advise desperately. I have been with my wife for almost 24 years and married 18. We've got 2 beautiful kids(6 and 11)We've had a good marriage for the vast majority of the time with some ups and downs. I lost my job recently and we started to fight more around the beginning of November. Long story short we had a big fight on Thanksgiving day and my wife told me that "she loved me but wasn't in love with me" and said she was contemplating a divorce because of my work situation and the fighting. I was crushed and shocked. She had routinely texted me sweet love notes and said that she loved me, thought I was great etc. in the weeks leading up to this and had been very interested in making love as well.After Thanksgiving we had a long dark period where she was extremely hostile to me and at times downright mean. I did my best to make her happy and was looking hard for work. Around the first of the year I noticed on my phone bill that she had spending hours on the phone(and keeping it a secret) with one of her friend's husbands who we are social with. She talked to him every single day sometimes for longer than an hour and would stay late at work to talk to him. Around Thanksgiving she was talking to him a ton and was obviouslty getting advice on our marriage. Well i confronted her about this around the first of the year and she admitted that it was wrong and would cut back talking to him. But I have found out since then that she is still talking to him and she deletes text messages from him and has lied about wether she talked to him and about what they are talking about. she also reports to him every conversation we have about him and when I get upset. Her friend and this guy are also having marital problems and in fact he has lied to me about talking to my wife as well. Additionally, I found my wife googled "how to diffuse an emotional affair" and "emotional affair turned physical" on her phone. All of the lies and deception have me thinking that it is indeed and emotional affair and that it may be partly to blame for her snapping on me at Thanksgiving and for our marriage being so troubled.. My wife is having a hard to time cutting this guy off completely and I'm getting to the end of my rope with trust issues and the betrayal and lies. Is this an emotional affair? How should I handle trying to patch things up and move forward with a wife who I still love very much?
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male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (8 March 2011):
Most definitely, your wife is involved in an emotional affair. She has to want to end it with this other guy. If she doesn't want to do that, then you need to prepare to move on. Your wife is making a massive mistake. Hopefully she wakes up before its too late. Good luck.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (7 March 2011):
 You have been with your wife 24 years and even thought emotional affairs are bad, she still hasn't crossed the line into making it a physical and this could be because she still loves you. I think you should fight for your marriage if you still love her. Obviously she needs to cut contact with this other person. Give her that attention she is looking for, take her out on dates, have romantics dinners with her. Leave the kids with a babysitter and wine and dine her in a candlelite dinner, make love to her. She might be going through a midlife crisis and I think if she has not gotten physical with him is because she still has you in her thoughts and heart. Give it a try and fight for your marriage. Give her the attention she is in search off and talk to her have an open communication. I think your marriage can be saved but have to want to save your marriage if you want this to work.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (7 March 2011):
There are three very specific signs that she is having an affair of some sort here:
1 - All those sweet texts, saying that you were great, that she loved you, that she had been interested in making love.
2 - Her vile reaction towards you after those arguments.
3 - Her inability to cut contact with this other man.
You've even noticed this yourself.
Those loving texts are a sign of extreme guilt - people having an affair often do this.
Her vile reaction towards you is, in fact, a reaction to her own behaviour. Deep down she knows it's wrong, but she can't face up to it so has been treating you like dirt instead.
The inability to cut contact is a sign in itself.
And, just to ice this dreadful cake, you've found her googling affairs.
Gut feeling is telling me she is having an affair. Evidence is telling me she's having an affair. Your own reaction towards all this tells me she is having an affair.
The time has come for you to now put yourself and your kids first, rather than her. Tell her you know there are problems within the marriage, tell her you know that she and this other man have been getting close, tell her you know she's been googling affairs. Tell her than unless she attends counselling, cuts immediate contact with this man and makes more effort, you will walk away. And mean it.
There is no use in you standing around waiting for her to do this in her own time. She's out of time. She is either for this marriage, in which case she will drop the other man right now and sort it out, or she is against the marriage and you need to get on with the divorce. The most important thing here is that you don't dither around, or your kids will end up a total mess, and you'll end up a mess whilst she gets to play Lady of the Manor.
Step up to the mark, my man, and put your case forward to your wife. If she doesn't drop this other guy, become open about what has happened and sort the marriage out, ditch her and focus on being the best father you can be.
You and your kids are now the priority. She is secondary.
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