A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I just want to say this and get it off my chest really. Comment if you wish.I'm getting on for fifty, and have been married for twenty years, most of them unhappily. My wife suffered from serious post-partum depression after our children were born, and it never really stopped. For many, many years she was very angry and spiteful, and I never heard a kind word from her for about fifteen years. Love doesn't conquer all, and one day - I remember it struck me quite suddenly - I realised that I didn't love her. I didn't hate her either, I was just indifferent. In fact, as hard as I try, I can't remember ever loving her. I suppose I must have done to marry her, but the memory of it has vanished completely.This actually made it easier for me to tolerate her outbursts. The abuse didn't seem so bad when it came from someone I didn't care about. I started photocopying documents, looking for a flat and preparing to leave, but then one night she found me looking for somewhere to live. I told her that I was planning to go, and that I didn't love her, and that changed her. She became very worried, she finally started going to therapy, and now she really does make a hell of an effort, although she still yells sometimes. She tells me she loves me all the time, and I believe her. But it's too late – I feel nothing for her. Nothing, not hate, not anger, but unfortunately not love. However, as she is trying so hard, I'm going to stay at least for the children. One overriding problem though is that I have no one to talk to. I'm a foreigner in this country and left behind all my relatives and close friends, so I have no one to talk to about such difficult, intimate matters.And then a woman I hadn't seen since the 1980s got in contact with me on Facebook. This isn't quite what you might think, so don't get judgemental just yet. Our families had been friends, and we grew up together since childhood. We never went out together, and all we ever did was have a very passionate snog one Christmas, but we were never an item. It turns out that she's had a pretty tough time over the years, and she's divorced and is now single, but she's also fantastically open about everything, and she encouraged me to be open with her about my feelings and how tough I was finding my marriage. It felt great, it was like therapy, I unburdened things I haven't been able to say for years, and just talking about it helped me make sense of some things.At least it felt great for a while, but over the past few days I've been feeling nervous and depressed, I'm having trouble sleeping and I can't eat anything. And then I remembered what it was. It's something I haven't experienced for so many years that I had forgotten what it feels like.It's love. I love her.But I don't want to. I can't go to the other side of the world and leave my children, and I can't tell her that I love her because that would spoil the relationship we have. I would lose the only friend I can talk openly to. And that's why I'm telling it to you, people of the internet. Until I get over these feelings, and I know they will pass, you are going to have to be my confessor. This love really feels like pain, but it's a pleasurable pain, because I'm feeling at least something after being numb for so many years. I find the idea of it fading back into numbness quite depressing.Do you think it is really possible to resign yourself to a life without love? I don't think I'm doing my wife any favours by staying, because although she says she's happy with me, how can she be with a man she knows doesn't love her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe doctor started me on antidepressants last week, and they worked remarkably quickly. I no longer feel the urge to fly to Australia or make weepy phone calls (thank God). I don't know how things are going to pan out over the months to come, but I feel a lot calmer now and better able to analyse my feelings in a more detached way. I think I'll give therapy a go to help me make up my mind what I really want.
Just as an aside, the SSRIs that I'm on are making me feel ever so slightly drunk. And to put it politely, there seems to have been a remarkable improvement in the trouser department. It's strange because I had always read that they are supposed to be real passion killers, but I can't leave the missus alone.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 October 2012):
Thanks for the follow-up, OP. Sorry I'm late in replying. Keep visiting the friends you have where you live. Keep your social life going. As for the other woman, please do keep your distance. I'm afraid you'll lose her if you get too close. Your judgment is clouded as it is. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this. And if you ever need to vent or get someone to look at your situation again, I'm here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, but thanks mostly just for taking an interest. I forgot that I do have a good friend here. I went to see him yesterday for a chat and a drink, and it did make me feel a little better.
It's still hard though. I think if this woman said, "OK, let's get together", I would just grab my laptop and get the next plane to Australia. But that's all in the realms of fantasy. I don't even know if she would be interested in me as a partner.
I just don't want to get too serious with her, because I don't want her saying, "Look, this is just hurting you. We've got to stop communicating for your sake".
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 October 2012):
I disagree with everyone who says you should simply resign yourself to living without love. Other people may be content choosing to do this, but I can tell from your post you're not one of them. Plus think it's an insult to life itself as it has so much to offer. You just need to go out there and get it. Plus, I really do not see the point of forsaking your own happiness entirely just to stay for the kids.
Children tend to be really perceptive of feelings and they are probably aware that the relationship has cooled. You have been married for 20 years. How old are the kids? If they're nearing adulthood, they should be able to handle their parents breaking up. Deep down, they may even be anticipating it. Personally, I would never want my parents to live unhappily just to please me. It would make me unhappy too. It would make me feel like a burden because if it wasn't for me, my parents would be able to be happy. Do not put that on your children. You're not doing them any favors by it, trust me.
As for being lonely, I gather you have been living in this country for 20 years. You should have been able to get a foundation by now. I understand how hard it is to be uprooted, as I moved from a different country myself. But you can find new friends and people to hold dear. You just have to make more of an effort. Try to find a hobby, a passion and participate and meet new people. You're never too old to socialize and make new friends.
I think you have to be honest with your wife. Tell her that though you appreciate her recent efforts, all these years of her not doing so have made you fall out of love with her and you can't get that back no matter how hard you try. You have tolerated her behavior for so long and she took you for granted. Some effort now does not undo 15 years of unpleasant behavior towards you. Break up. More days in this misery is wasted time. Do you really want to resign yourself to living like this when you already know it's going to make you deeply unhappy? Life has so much to offer, why make yourself a martyr when no-one is going to be better because of it?
As for this new/old friend in your life, I don't think you love her. You've just been starved of attention and kindness for too long. You can keep her as a friend, but only as that. Getting out of such a long marriage and hopping to a new relationship at the other side of the world is a recipe for disaster. And by doing so you would hurt your children because they cannot go to their dad when they want.
What I would do in your place is divorce your wife, start over in the same country (your kids need to be able to visit you) but stay single for a while until you have gotten your social life settled. Stay open for possibilities of course, just don't actively pursue just yet. It'll get messy. Also get some counseling to help you deal with the emotions.
Don't stay in this. When something is not working, I hope you have the strength to realize this and start over. It's never too late to do this and find happiness. Cliche as it sounds life is what you make of it. I hope you make the best of it.
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female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Yes, I believe it is possible to resign yourself to a life without love but you don't want to live in dishonesty of your feelings. It creates sufferings both internally and externally.
You have to be honest with your feelings now and make solutions to your problems and not create more complications. This may not be easy but you have to evaluate your life, be clear and be honest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): To the people who live a life without love, they did not seek it out and therefore did not find it. So they get comfortable and convince themselves they are happy with family and friends. Let's be honest here. Life is so much better and more fulfilling when you have a life partner. Not only a life partner but one you are passionate about. So none of us should ever settle but so many do.Female Anon who is in the same position as you has some amazing insight. The others clearly are not in your situation and offer advice on the outside looking in. Not the same.If the decision you make is going to be based on keeping others happy instead of yourself, you will never be happy. And you will continue to seek happiness/escape elsewhere.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Ok, well first of all, your wife just wants you - whether you love her or not. She'd rather have you than not, regardless of your feelings. Children are the same - they don't really factor in your happiness - they just want you there.
So, you have a family. They love and need you.
You aren't really asking if you can live a life without love. You are asking whether the chance of love is important enough a thing for you to leave your wife and children for.
No, it isn't.
Can you live a compromised life, and still feel alive and in love with your friend? Yes, I believe you can. I don't think you would be betraying your wife by loving this woman, as you don't have a romantic relationship with your wife.
Quite simply, I think you should stay with your family, but continue to enjoy the pleasure of talking to your friend. And I think you should embrace and be grateful for all those lovely feelings of falling in love with someone, and you should use that relationship to refresh you and maybe even make you a happier person at home.
I am not talking about sex here. I am talking about a relationship that feeds your soul. Take it. Have it. But also be there for those who love, need and trust you.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Yes it is possible and I have lived without romantic love from another person for the last 20 years. I no longer date so expect I will live for the rest of my life without it. I do have the love of my family and even though it's not the same, it has to be enough because that is all there is. I am 47.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 "I can't tell her that I love her because that would spoil the relationship we have"
Love can come in many forms and ways. Maybe you could tell her that you love her as a friend? Be careful about thinking you love her romantically. You have gone for quite some time without loving your wife, out of desperation and maybe just because you've been so deprived of affection, you mistake your feelings of care, to be love.
In either case, a romantic relationship isn't what you are after, you want to stay for your children as you said. Beginning a complicated relationship on the side wont really be an option for you. And, again, you should not rush into things because you think you feel something. It is hard to imagine you loving this woman when you have only talked to her online (and it was years and years since you last actually met with her in person). You are facing the same problem as ALL people who meet online face: you do not know who you're falling in love with. You have an idea of the person, but you do NOT know the person. It takes way more than online communication to know if you actually love the person. In most cases, you just love the idea of who they are.
I don't think your life is without love at all. You love your children. You now have a friend who you love (at least you can say for sure that you love the friendship, because you do have her as a friend, even if you do not meet with her in person, and thus can not love her for the person she is). You should find more friends, and meet them in person so you can learn to love them as well. Enrich your life.
Continue your friendship with this woman, but do not mistake your love for the friendship as love for her as a person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): You are in a very difficult predicament. I completely understand and empathize with you. And I feel for what you are going through.I had been married to my husband for 17 years, 20 of them as a couple. He is my one and only partner. When we first met there was this spark. We both felt it. It just felt right; like we were meant to be together. At the time I was only 23 years old and had no prior relationship experience so I thought this man was the be all and end all. I jumped in head first and followed my heart. But in time after the infatuation faded, after the newness disappeared, I was left wondering why had I married this man? I never had anyone to compare him to. I never made any mistakes in past relationships. I never had experienced heartbreak. I think I sensed I was missing out in life by being with one man. But there was more than that. I felt dead inside. Even after four years of marriage, I began to question it. Not consciously but my gut would speak to me in subtle ways and I would often ignore it. I could not make sense of it. It progressed to having harmless crushes on other men. Only four years into a marriage and my heart was open to another man? There was something wrong with that picture. So I denied, denied, denied. I think looking back I got married because of the idea of being in love with the idea of marriage. Here was this nice guy who came along and worshipped the ground I walked on. Why would I not choose him? I felt the same way for him but that faded. Three years ago I started to really question the future of my marriage. I was facing my fears head on and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Taking a cold, hard look at your marriage takes great courage. None of us likes to admit there is something wrong. Many would prefer to happily ignore the problems and not change the way our comfortable lives are leading us. But I had to face the fact I no longer loved my husband. Many factors played a part but the reality was I felt empty and like I was just going through the motions. I could not see my life playing out this way, where I would stay with a man out of duty or obligation, meanwhile I was dying inside a little more each day.I had a good friend come into my life as well, just like you, and he made me feel alive again, he made me laugh again and realize how much I had been missing and sacrificing for the sake of a marriage that no longer existed. My husband loved me and would have moved heaven and earth to stay married. We tried counselling but to no avail because my heart was not there. He tried to convince me to stay, beg me, emotional blackmail, for the kids excuse, anything and everything, but at the end of the day I had to stay true to my heart.I asked him for a separation. I told him how could you want me to stay with you when you KNOW I no longer love you? What kind of self respect do you have? Don't we both deserve to be happy and to find partners who will love us like we deserve? I do not believe you can revive love when it is dead. It cannot be done. You are brave to admit this to yourself. Now you need to make a firm decision. You cannot go on this way. I made that decision. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. One day I called my parents and husband and sat them all down and told them I no longer love my husband and no longer wish to be married. I got alot of backlash and my family was very unsupportive of my decision for awhile and they were mad at me, asking me how can you do this? They believe in death do you part, strict Catholics, European upbringing etc. But I knew what my heart was telling me and I had to follow it.I asked myself am I okay being alone, if this other friend is not there waiting for me? I did not want to leave for another person. I wanted the decision to be mine and mine alone. So, I decided I needed to do this for me and my own happiness. My whole world and life was turned upside down for awhile. I have been on my own for two months. I have a little boy with a disability so this makes things more difficult. But I am happy with my choice.I think your friend, as with mine, served a purpose in letting you know that your marriage is over. I believe people come into our lives for a reason. My friend was there to move me towards freedom and happiness. He is still my friend and my heart is with him even though he is seeing someone else. You never know what will happen but for now, I am taking care of myself and my son and adjusting to our new life. You will need to go through a time of healing and self reflection before you are truly ready to become serious again. It really is nice to have the opportunity to find yourself again and do things for yourself you might never have done before.So, yes, I understand. Your friend has awakened you. She has made you see you are human and need love and companionship. Never settle for anything less than the passionate love you deserve that lets you know you are alive. I believe it is out there. Life is just too short to stay in a dead, unfulfilling marriage for any reason at all.Making the decision is the hard part. You will see you are stronger than you think. And whether or not you end up with this woman, she seems to be a great support to you and you need this.If you can find a counsellor in your area to speak to, I know that you would benefit. I have a counsellor and his guidance helps me through. There are still some very dark days and some at which I feel very alone and wonder what the heck I have done but I know I can't go back. I feel this sense of freedom and healing now and if I had stayed, i would have continued to ask myself for the rest of my life, what could have been? We cannot live with regret.I wish you all the best. It is a difficult journey but you must listen to your heart in the end.You ask can you live a life without love? The answer is NO. SHOULD you live a life without love? NEVER.Seek your happiness. It is yours if you have the courage to pursue it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 October 2012):
 To answer the only two clear questions you asked: Yes I do think it's possible to resign yourself to a life without love but why do it? and Your wife is saying she's happy because she is most likely afraid of the unknown and/or of being lonely.
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