A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I’m seeing a married man for a number of years. I am in no rush to spending my whole life with but I do love him, he says he is in a sexless marriage, that his wife has no sex drive yet iv seen photos of them with her arm around him yet he doesn’t with her.... like she displays some kind of affectionate jesture but he doesn’t..... surely if she is like that she must be wanting sex with him at some point? She does herself up and looks quite glamorous so I do have my doubts. I have seen video clips on social media where they are laughing and having a joke together which makes me question their marriage? Iv never pressurised him to leave his wife because in my opinion he either wants a future with me or he doesn’t. I’m just not sure on the sexless marriage part?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018): Yes, OP, some married men can stick to one lover. But what about married men who don't have sex with their mistress who is supposedly his lover, whom he has chosen to provide sex for him? Mistresses should never get too confident or trusting of these men. I am a mistress myself. I'm much more realistic than you are. Guard your heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018): I would know if he was having sex with other women, he is constantly talking to me all day and night, so if he was having sex then he must be doing it in the half an hour gaps when we are not chatting and that would be impossible.... It is possible for lovers just to have each other for sex and not have loads of mistress’s....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018): OP, gone without sex for months?
Surely, it must come across your mind that even though you are his "mistress", he may have yet another or others meeting his sexual needs while you're not? Don't be so naive. Sex is more important to these types of guys than you you think!!! He's making you delusional!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018): My lover tells me he loves me everyday... he doesn’t post the video clips up, I see them on his relatives profiles not his... We have gone without sex for months and still enjoy each other’s company... so that’s not the main thing in our relationship.... We communicate everyday .... on and off all day right into the night and before we go to bed. He said his wife and him don’t cuddle because that would feel very strange after so many years of not doing that. Wife had no sex drive after hitting the menopause... and he stayed with his wife while the kids went through their exams.... he said he was now ready to leave his wife but I said I wasn’t.... I’m the one holding things up....
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 April 2018):
 To me, it really doesn't matter whether his marriage is sexless or not, the point is; so far he has stayed (for whatever reason) and that probably won't change.
I mean, it's quite clear that you want more out of it (clear from your 'he either wants to be with me or not' bit) and whether or not you will admit that to yourself or not, it's true. Being side chick all the remaining days of your life isn't anyone's dream. That I'm convinced of. You could possibly be wasting your life on someone who isn't worth it, let alone a situation that isn't worth it. By all the social media posts that you keep up to date with, you're obsessed. If you get a definite answer as to whether he is lying or not, what then? Will that answer change your life in any way? I think not.
Look, you've really got to end this thing. I get that you've been seeing him for years and it definitely won't be easy but at the same time, you've been the other woman all of those years which really isn't fair to his wife.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (5 April 2018):
The loveless sexless marriage is the cheaters best weapon. Can’t believe at your age you’re still falling for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018): You are going to get judgement and generalizations here, OP.
It is very possible that his marriage is sexless. There are many married couples who live together and are happy in all areas while not having sex.
Some men accept that their wife does not want sex but they love her and stay committed and never go outside the relationship for sexual relief. Others resent their wives for this and feel short changed and resort to extra marital relationships for sexual purposes. Same goes for women in relationships.
Some married men tell their mistresses the marriage is sexless in order to gain her sympathy, in order to make her the rescuer. In order to boost her ego, that she is the answer to his hopes and dreams; making her feel special and very powerful. It is a very clever and deliberate manipulative tactic. A downright lie. Think about it. If a married man wants sex with another woman, he cannot say he and his wife bang like rabbits, can he? So, a common excuse is that they don't have sex because the wife has lost interest, it hurts her, she doesn't care about him anymore etc.
Now, just because many married men use this excuse, doesn't mean ALL men who are married use this excuse.
The perception on DC and in general seems to be that all married men are the same and follow the same patterns of behaviour. This is not true. People are different. Relationships are unique and different. As much as you can predict what people do, you cannot predict what people do. Make sense?
I will not say your guess is as good as mine. I think your guess is better than mine. You, as his lover, know him best. And you have a gut instinct as well. Listen to your own heart. In the end, you do know the answer. The fact is you do not wish to accept the truth.
She may be more affectionate with him and show more PDA but that doesn't mean he doesn't care or not have sex with her. Some guys are not as touchy feely or as demonstrative.
So, just because she dresses glamorous? She could still not have a sex drive. How are the two related?
My concern would be why are you privy to "lovey dovey" videos of him and his wife? Why would he even want you to see them? Does he not have any concern for your feelings? I imagine this could be very hurtful to you.
I know you love him. But in all honesty, I am not sure if he feels the same way?
Has he told you he loves you? Do you have an actual relationship outside of the sex? Do you talk to him everyday? Do you go on dates? Do things together? Go on vacation? Have things in common? Or do you just meet once a week for sex and go on your way?
I can certainly understand how easy it is for a woman to get attached after sex, and even love a man. But it seems to me he is not attached the same way. It has nothing to do with whether or not he is having sex with his wife. It just seems that he is okay with you seeing videos of the two of them together. And in all honesty, if they seem happy, or she does, then he must be doing something to keep her happy. Whether it is sex or being a good husband in her eyes. Some guys can have a mistress and still tend to all the needs of their wives in order to keep them happy.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (3 April 2018):
 OP, no offense but aren't you a little old to be so clueless? He's a married man lying to his wife, cheating on his wife and you wonder if he would lie to you??? Girl..take off the rose colored glasses. He will say ANYTHING to keep you around. ANYTHING. You can trust him about as far as you can throw him. Nuff said.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 April 2018):
 Think of his wife. Get rid of him. How can you trust him when he'll lie to his wife? You can't. Stop being selfish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): He wants a lady on the side, and he's married. His credibility is shot. He can tell you anything, because a cheater doesn't have to be a person of strong character or trustworthiness.
If you really want to know the state of his marriage and if she gives him sex. Go ask his wife!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2018): I'm the person who typed this question and can I say that I did have a relationship with another man after I finished with the married man..... When he found out he cried his eyes out in front of me, got depressed lost weight due to me leaving him.... Didn't see him run into the arms of another woman, I guess I wasn't that easily replaced? Went on for months then I went back to him and he did everything to keep me with him.He has also asked me 3 times about wanting to leave his wife for me.....I'm the one who's declined.....avoid the subject....why? You ask? Because I can't quite trust him.....particularly with the sex part of it etc....I don't feel the victim here.....I just need clarity.....and your answers have given me that.
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (3 April 2018):
 I don’t mean to be rude in any way, but to me situation looks like he I could be telling you the truth about the sexless part, and that’s where you got in by providing that to him. Apart from sexlessness, he maybe totally happy with her, as well as with you for filling in the sexless portion of his life. I think he feels he maybe in a sweet spot, being with a woman whom he loves and another woman who provides sex for him. Alternatively, he maybe lying to you about sexless part to string you up for sex.
Either way, I personally, I think you are wasting your time with this guy because he will probably never leave his wife. Men who are unhappy with their wives leave them then find another woman. In case you leave him, he will probably look for another female to fit into your role.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 April 2018):
 Some people can have a sexless marriage and be comfortable with each other and still love each other and what they have build together.
Can be they don't have sex or that it's not as frequent as he would want it.
The thing is, YOU can't be sure he is telling you the truth, as the TRUTH might not be what you want to hear and HE knows that.
Having sex doesn't equate to having a happy marriage. Especially not after 20-30 years. There can be medical reasons as to why the sex isn't happening or not happening frequently.
REGARDLESS, it's REALLY none of your business. If you are unhappy with him having sex (maybe) with his wife... then you shouldn't have settled to be a "mistress" to a married man.
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female
reader, Anezka89 +, writes (3 April 2018):
There is absolutely no way you can know this at all. Even if you ask him, he can lie straight up to your face. My best advice is for you to assume they are and not believe everything he says about his wife. Men lie, not all, but those that cheat have no problem lying to their wives or anyone else. So just assume they are, a picture won't tell you much about how happy, or sexless they are. You can run a survey on the picture and even then you won't be satisfied with the answer because it's based on people's perceptions. If he is cheating on his wife, I'm 90% sure that most of what he says to you are lies too. And just the fact that you already care about this sort of thing means you care about him deeply, and all I can say is BE CAREFUL. Because sexless marriage or not he is still with her not you. So in the end the only person that will end up more hurt than the wife is you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (3 April 2018):
 There is no way any of us can know this answer any more than you can. We've heard this tale before, many, many times and from both sides of the issue.
Some couples do continue to have sex and appear to be happy. Others simply live together and are civil enough, others not.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. The state of their marriage is none of your business.
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