A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I started dating a 50 yr old man four months ago. We hit it off quickly. He was telling me he loved and adored me within two weeks. He has no children and never married. I recently read emails he had been sending the first two months we were dating, to other woman. They were very sexual. They acknowledge me as his girlfriend but he said he wanted to keep in touch with them anyway. He wanted phone sex, wanted to meet up and wanted sexy details of their sex lives. They seemed to all stop about 1 or 2 months ago when he told them he was getting serious with me now. I am obviously hurt and feel this was cheating on me. I told my bf I read these. He said he had forgotten about them and they meant nothing. He said they were before he got really serious with me (but they were still during the time we were officially bf and gf). He said once he really started falling in love with me he stopped them. That they were just banter and he would never ever meet up with them.We had discussed this earlier and we had agreed not to see others, not to keep in touch with others and to tell each other if we did. So, I do feel he betrayed my trust. However, I can see that he continued in his old ways (he has been single for most of his life) for a while, and then it has stopped as we got more serious and started to love each other.He has promised it will never happen again, that it stopped over a month ago, that I am his everything and never wants to hurt me.I apologized for snooping. We have agreed to forgive each other, work past this and move on.Does this sound like a genuine excuse/reason? Guys, would you continue some of your sexy communication with other girls at the start of a new relationship, till your feelings deepened? He has been a player for most of his life, he says I am the one that he wants to marry. He wants to spend all his time with me. I do believe he has changed in many ways since meeting me.Is it worth trying to rebuild the trust? Or should he be old enough now to know how to treasure it in the first place?I am 44. I have wasted years on liars/unfaithful men, I don't want to waste any more time, but for the first time, we both feel we have met our 'the one'.He is horrified I found out, and swears it was meaningless, and part of who he has been for years. Swears it will never happen again. Any thoughts and ideas or anyone having been in a similar situation? thank you SO much for your time !
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 My EX husband is a player. He never stopped playing. He said he loved me early on. He was good to me. he took me home to meet mom and dad and his young daughter early on… HE NEVER gave up the ego stroking from other women… and he needed it so badly that I opted to have an open relationship because I was ok with that…
What happened however was once I added a male companion to the mix that I LIKED… he got jealous and insane… so HE was allowed (not only allowed but needed) the attention of other women… even though he professed to loved me… and life was OK… but the truth was I was just never enough for him…
After I added my guy to the mix and my ex became jealous I told him that I would end my relationship with my guy but that he had to give up all his women.. he just wouldn’t do that because he could not bear to give up the other women…
He swore he loved me he told everyone… he swore he was happy. To the point that we married… but the truth was deep down inside he was not happy and I was not enough… he’s my ex now…
I believe that the woman he is currently married to will find later on that he’s not given up his emotionally cheating ways…. And I hope their marriage can survive.
I hope you are prepared for pain down the road if you opt to stay with a man who you make excuses for already. “the way he communicates is to exaggerate” Well that’s all well and good but it’s not very healthy is it?
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 October 2012):
 Good luck with those big old blinders on..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): I am the original poster. Thank you so much for your responses. In answer to some of your questions. Yes his actions do match his words. He spends as much of his weekend with me as he can. We have been away together a couple of times. He pays for a lot of things. Buys me and my children gifts. The way he communicates is to exaggerate. EG: " she is the most wonderful person you will ever meet"...and says it about four different people. So saying he loved me early on, was a way of saying he liked me enormously... and I realized that.I do realize the red flags. The only difference is, I have a deep down gut feeling he is my 'the one'(if that exists). I also had a gut feeling something was going on with these emails..... He tells everyone he has never been so happy. Having said that, I am deeply disappointed and unsure I can trust his love for me now. He has explained that he loved me in one way, but loved me truly deeply after a couple of months.He has introduced me to his family and friends. He has planned Christmas with me. His actions show he loves me.... the emails were incredibly sexy and a shock, but my question is....Is that an expected thing from a man like that.... JUST in the beginning, till he works it out?Any ex players out there that can give me some insight?THANK YOU so much for your replies.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 October 2012):
“he was telling me he loved and adored me within two weeks”
RED FLAG! That is way too soon for a man to know… (or a women)…
Saying you were his girlfriend while contacting other women for phone sex and sexy talk and wanting to meet them is
RED FLAG 2 especially since he had already said he loved and adored you…
He’s hung himself dear… he told you he loved you before he felt serious about you? WHAT’S UP WITH THAT??? Either he loves you or he doesn’t. if he LIED to you about it then he’s a liar. IF he didn’t lie to you that he loved you after two weeks but kept sexting with other women… then he’s a cheater…
THEN he said it was when you were officially bf/gf but once he REALLY started falling in love with you.. so what was it at two weeks.. LIES to get laid???
OH so not happy with this….
He has been a player for moest of his life but he says I am the one he wants to marry… UMMM NOT… please…
He WANTS to spend all his time with you… DOES HE?
HE SAYS LOTS of things… do his ACTIONS match is words?
He’s a time waster IMO….
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 Hi
I would give him one last chance to prove himself, it could be he wants to finally settle down, perhaps he knows he can't be a player in 5 or 10 years and is ready,has met his match in you.If his life has been spent flirting and 'playing' it maybe is old habits.
Don't be a fool for him though,the first sign of anything else, then call it a day.He is going to have to work hard to SHOW his commitment and keep you now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 October 2012):
For me the fact that he "declared" love after only 2 weeks is a red flag.
And the fact that the two of you had already discussed exclusivity early on and he still continued. That is another red flag.
Even him being a "player" all his life and he is 50 kinda makes me pause a bit as well.
Could be that he was still testing other "waters" while the two of you were getting to know each other, but once he realized you were a keeper he stopped. However I don't totally buy that. If he wasn't so SURE about you, why tell you he love you? Why agree to being exclusive?
Just because it was habit for him to be a "player" I still think he should have known better and honestly he IS old enough to know better.
For me when a guy like that declares love SO early on, it kind of screams like a con-artist trick (sort of) you know, to get the woman caught hook, line and sinker. And then hopefully she won't pay attention to what else he is doing because he SAID he love her.
I mean really, look at his actions, look at what he promised.. not a big match there.
I would be cautious to date a guy like this. It's only been 4 months and yet there is all this underlying drama/cheating going on...
I don't think I could rebuild trust with a guy like that. I'm not sure I would think he was really worth the effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): Well..I think you might give him a second chance..I mean..let him show you how serious is really thinking about you. But not with words, with actions.
Men love to talk and they know we Women fall in love with ours ears not with ours hearts...
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