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Is a man wearing a women's swimsuit really a 'sexual offense' especially as the man did it drunk at a party?

Tagged as: Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 January 2013) 12 Answers - (Newest, 24 January 2013)
A female Canada age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I have recently found out my 24-year-old daughter is dating a convicted sex offender, she had inadvertently mentioned it when talking about her new boyfriend (he's 32).

I feel sick and disgusted but at the sametime am powerless to stop her.

She told us this man was done for wearing a women's swimsuit in a public pool a few years back - he said he did it as a dare when drunk at a pool party, he only revealed it to her after 4 dates. He said he hasn't done anything like it since. Someone had complained at the party and he got arrested [and the party was an adult-only, saints and sinners themed one!]

The man himself is Canadian-born and a citizen here; he's Cape Verdean-Canadian, we're white, but race isn't the issue here, it's what he did that's the issue.

My husband is so disgusted he wants her to break up with him immediately; however, I think surely everyone makes mistakes don't they, and should get a second chance.

This is causing a lot of arguments between me and my husband; not physical ones, but verbal.

We haven't even yet met this man, should we? Is a man wearing a women's swimsuit really a 'sexual offence' especially as the man did it drunk at a party?

What do I do - advice needed?

View related questions: drunk

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013):

If he was at an ADULTS only saints and sinners pool party, I am sure wearing a womans bathing suit will not be the cause of him being on the sex offenders register. If your daughter loves this person and didnt mean for you to know about this, she might have `toned down` the reason she gave you in order to protect him. Just a thought!

Some research is needed and fairly quickly as falling out with your husband over this issue is not going to help matters. So put your heads together and find out exactly why this man is on the register because neither of you can judge whether he is dangerous or not until you have the facts before you. Only then will you know if there is anything serious to worry about or not.

I certainly would not take this mans word for it as you and your daughter are doing. It is important that you and your husband check properly for yourselves and the safety of your daughter.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013):

There's not a chance that's what he's registered for. That might very well be a PARTIAL truth, but certainly not 100% or even 50%. In the united states, there's a registered sex offender data base. It's free and you can find out where exactly anyone registered lives and what their crime was. I don't know if Canada has anything like that, but definitely look into it and get to the bottom of it.

I'd just find it hard to believe in liberal Canada, that a man can be charged as a sex offender merely by wearing a women's bathing suit. Unless that suit was cut in a way that exposed him or he chose to expose himself, which is exhibitionism, which would be a sex offense.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (24 January 2013):

Frank B Kermit agony auntI think you need to speak to a family lawyer about this, or get some legal research done by a legal clinic (like law students at a law school, who can do the research). That will answer your question if it is possible.

It always depends on the context. So there may be details you are not aware of that could have caused this to happen that would make it understandable. It is possible that he got caught exposing himself by accident, or it is possible he is not telling the truth.

However, what is NOT in debate is the effects of having that brand on him going forward in life and how it will impact your daughter and any children they have together.


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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 January 2013):

Honeypie agony auntI do know that in some states (in the US) you can be convicted as a low-level sex offender by getting caught peeing outside/exposing yourself, but I have NEVER heard that wearing a woman's swimsuit can be classified and land a guy on sexual offenders list.

Like a few Aunties suggested - you can look up his record and see what classification of sexual offender he is and what he was actually charged with. Once you have that I would show it to your daughter and no I wouldn't want to meet him til I know what he was convicted off.

I have absolute no sympathy for most sexual offenders.

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A female reader, so4chaotic United States +, writes (24 January 2013):

Was he exposing himself at this party? He obviously isn't telling the whole truth.

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A female reader, Euphoric29 Germany +, writes (24 January 2013):

Dear OP,

Before you can judge this guy you need to know if his story is true. It sounds highly unlikely.

But you can't know that right now. Maybe there are ways to find out if you get to know the guy and ask for his criminal record, or anything about the case.

On one side, I want to distrust this man because the story sounds weird.

But on the other side, he told your daughter about it, despite there seemingly was no reason why he needed to do so. After 4 dates, which is reasonably early, since you clearly can't bring this up at a first or second date.

I am sure that every parent would prefer their daughter to date someone without a criminal record. But since she is in love with him already, it might be better to try and get to know him before judging. If not, it could negatively affect the relationship between you and your daughter.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (24 January 2013):

YouWish agony auntSVC is right. Records are public, and you should research them. Convicted sex offenders don't simply wear bathing suits.

Though, if what he said was true, it's possible that he could have worn a string bikini and was "hanging" out, meaning that indecent public exposure IS a sexual offender-level offense.

Either way, that on his record really messes up his future in regards to employment, social opportunities and such.

Do the research on him. Get the court case record.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (24 January 2013):

Unless he wore the swimsuit in Iran then he's lying to her. I can't imagine what other backwards country would consider that worthy of labeling someone a sex offender.

It's only remotely possible if his penis was showing because the suit was too small.

As said you should look it up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013):

Wearing a womans swimsuit, at a party, for a laugh is not a sexual offence on it's own surely?

There must be ALOT more to it/him if he is a 'convicted sex offender', he will be on some sort of Register too.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (24 January 2013):

janniepeg agony auntI don't think sexual offenders should get a second chance, so I am with your husband on this one. I don't know what's a saint's and sinner's theme party but he apparently did something out of line, something that's unrelated to the swimwear but very offensive.

Show your daughter the inconvenience of dating a sex offender. Her man may not be able to travel internationally. He may not be able to visit a school or daycare. His record makes it hard for him to look for a decent job. His deviant sexuality makes it difficult for a healthy sexual life with a partner. She can't trust him if she unfortunately has a kid with him. She can't trust him to be faithful.

He is a trouble maker and hopefully sooner or later your daughter will see sense. You can't force them to break up. You can say to her you totally disagree with this relationship. I would play her documentaries, the ones that peer inside of the mind of a sexual offender, of how disturbed these people are.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (24 January 2013):

So_Very_Confused agony auntto me that makes no sense. If he's a sex offender there are public records... you should be able to look it up.

I can't see how wearing a woman's swim suit is a sexual offense.....

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A female reader, R1 United Kingdom +, writes (24 January 2013):

R1 agony auntI'm not Canadian but I doubt you would be considered a sex offender for that, something else obviously happened. Possibly he exposed himself to some people who didnt want him to, possibly something more serious. You don't really know. You are stuck in a difficult situation as if she really likes this guy will she listen to you whatever you say? Just try and keep her close and encourage her to come and talk to you about any concerns.

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