A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Like many people, I always dream about having a love that lasts years and years. My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old (my mom was the one who asked for it) and I saw all the awful effects it had on them; my father became an alcoholic and attempted to commit suicide (I thank God everyday that he failed) and he has given up on finding another relationship, and my mother is a very lonely person and has had quite a few unhealthy relationships that have failed and I've been there watching all this happen the entire time. In addition to this I am always hearing about failing marriages and people falling out of love with each other and all this has made me feel pessimistic about love. But my aunt and uncle have been married 40 years, my grandparents have also been married 40 years, my cousin and his girlfriend have been together for 9 years and my friend and his girlfriend have been together for 9 years. I really want to have what they have someday and I always wonder how they do it. My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and I want it to last a long time and feel like it has the potential to. I've had many boyfriends before him but he is the best one I've ever had and the only one I would want a future with. He is faithful, loyal, respectful, patient, and he doesn't flirt around with other girls. And he's my best friend who I can tell anything to. He has seen me depressed, scared, jealous, angry, crying etc. and he still loves me, and says he could never think less of me. His parents are divorced too and his father was physically abusive and cheated on his mother. My boyfriend told me that after seeing what his mother went through, he promised himself to always respect women.I had an abusive, cheating ex and he knows about this and is patient with me when I get paranoid but he has proved to me that I can trust him. He said once that he "imagines living his life with me". But I can't seem to stop having pessimistic thoughts about love...that he will get bored of being with the same one person and leave, he will get sick of me once he stops feeling the "sparks" and excitement (which is inevitable anyway), that he will one day just tell me he doesn't love me anymore and leave, possibly after a year or more of my invested time and emotions and will leave me a wreck. But he has never given me any reasons to think this would happen and he has reassured me and told me that he loves me too much to leave. I would really like to be able to have faith in love but for some reason, maybe because of what I have heard and what I watched my parents go through, I feel like I will end up getting crushed someday and what I want is either super rare or just doesn't exist. How can I start changing my attitude about this? And does anyone have any successful stories or experiences to maybe make me feel better? Thank you for listening to my rambling lol
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): To the responder who said cheating is now the norm - where are you going with that view of the world? Certainly not to a happy place.
People cheated in the past too. Don't naively think It's new.
Also, there are men and women who cherish their relationships and each other. If you open yourself up, you might find someone. If you don't, you definitely won't.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): Well you are in a happy and healthy relationship. I'd focus more on that fact, than worrying about a tomorrow you can't control.In love, you can only control your own actions. Not the man's and not the circumstances. So learn little ways of.how to make the relationship stronger for example, learn not to fight, but to discuss things and call a timeout when things get tense.Work through your emotional baggage and realise that your story is not your parents' story; It's still unwritten and you are doing well so far. Learn to trust, to see the best in him, to support him as that usually begets a circle of trust and support in rerun and the love just grows. The novelty does wear off, but that's not a bad thing. You become comfortable friends. I actually like how things have settled after 3 years in my relationship. It feels stable and steadfast. It feels safe. It's a sanctuary we find with each other that we get with no one else. It's amazing.Have you tried asking your grandparents what their secret is? And your aunt and uncle? I'm sure they'd love to share.May you find happiness
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): There are no guarantees in life. Least of all with love between two people. You don't concentrate on how long it lasts, you just make the best of what you have for as long as you can. You live it one day at a time. Unexpected things may bring changes.
Don't always let him have his way thinking that makes him love you; people who love you don't want to hurt you.
Enjoy the present. We aren't promised the future. We're lucky if we're around to see it. So we make the best of life as it is given to us. We count the smallest blessings.
Talk to your aunt and uncle, talk to your grandparents. You will learn that they didn't always have each other. They may have met others before they found each other. They didn't give up or fear it wouldn't work; because sometimes it doesn't.
You don't stop living because someday you'll die. Everyone does, sooner or later.
You compromise through disagreements. A disagreement isn't a sign that it is ending, it is just a disagreement.
You put wear and pressure on the relationship worrying about things that "might" or "did not" happen. Don't focus on bad things that happened to other people. That doesn't guarantee it will happen to you.
You're too young and your relationship is not a marriage.
You are being too serious, and that will put a dark cloud over what you have.
Your depression starts from feeling doom "before" something bad happens. You're not supposed to feel bad until "after" something bad happens. Then be glad you have each other to get through it. That builds a stronger bond, but makes no guarantees.
You keep a positive attitude. Negative attitudes and pessimism cause problems.
He can't always cheer you up.You won't always cheer him up.
Don't feel you failed, if you can't. He will appreciate that you tried. Sometimes he won't; because he is human.
Allow each other room to grow and breath.
Don't fill precious time with worry.
Make up after every fight.
When you're upset about something, say so. Give him the short version. Listen to the truth, don't hate. Sometimes it hurts. Watch what you say in anger.
If he says something that hurts your feelings. Tell him.
This is how trust is built.
Don't carry the relationship on your backs like a sack of heavy stones.
Lift it above your head like it's light as a feather. Young love is supposed to feel good, and hit a few bumps along the way. No relationship is perfect. Lasting a longtime doesn't mean it's good.
My longest relationship lasted 28 years. I lost my partner to cancer seven years ago. I didn't expect it to last forever. I appreciated all the time we had.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2014): I am not going to be much of help but know that you are not alone. However my reasons are from a different perspective: the world has changed and cheating is the norm. Married men hitting on young girls, i saw this first hand when i lived in a college hostel. Most students had sugar daddies. A man in a stable relationship will shamelessly hit on you in a pub. I have lost all faith in this institution. Maybe it is true what they say;men are meant to be promiscuous. Respectable men in public limelight have not been spared from the temptation of sampling either, despite the risks involved. What does this mean? It is a uncontrollable urge. The thought of a man engaging in the deed and then coming back to me disgusts. And then you end up getting Aids. I am better off single.
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