A
female
age
26-29,
*rs0809
writes:We've been married for 3 months, been together for 3 and half years in total. We lived together for a year but I moved back in with my parents cos I hated his housemates. We got our own place and moved in a week before the wedding. For me the biggest problem is he is selfish, he never does anything round the house unless he's literally begged to. He never pays me any compliments or says or does anything to make me feel good about myself, he never takes me anywhere, he doesn't even do small things like make me a cup of tea, breakfast once in a while.We hardly ever have sex, he prefers to masturbate to porn in his little xbox room which is where he spends most of his life, when we do have sex he's all about himself and rarely makes any effort to please me and never gives me oral sex. I've spoken to him about it all til I'm blue in the face and he's not interested. He said the reason we hardly have sex is because he feels comfortable with me and doesn't want sex as much now, yet goes into his little room and has a w@nk every morning before going to work. I'm certain I've made a mistake, if I'm honest I think it's only been planning the wedding for the last 18 months that has kept us together this long. I foolishly thought once we had our own place that he would change and we'd have sex more often but I was wrong and I can't deal with the fact that he'd rather have a w@nk than come to bed and be with his wife. Sorry to be so blunt, I'm getting angry just thinking about the whole situation. I feel totally trapped. I feel like a total idiot and can't believe I was so blind to what he is a really like. I desperately want to leave but I'm scared about what friends, family and colleagues would think of me walking out on him after only 3 months of marriage. To top it off we work at the same company! I just want to run away and never come back.
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moved in, oral sex, porn, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (14 November 2009):
 He needs to seek help for his porn addiction, already it is starting to ruin things between you in this marriage and i would support him in this.
The fact he is going on his phone to look at porn tells me he has this bad, he knows your checking the computer so uses the phone, i would be tempted to get rid off all the dvds too, in order to try and help him curb this addiction.
As long as there is a feed for it he will use it.
You both need to seriously deal with this and try to help one another because as much as your saying you don't mind the porn, it is becoming a problem in this relationship, he has to see that your totally unhappy and unfulfilled sexually.
If he was willing to give up certain things and take your help to support him to curb this, i think you can resolve this, but getting him to do it is another matter.
It is quite clear after having the laptop monitored he is looking elsewhere just to get his fix, addicts will use whatever is there, so i do feel you have some work on your hands with this cause you cant monitor him 24/7 nor do you want too.
He has to come to his senses and come out of this denial he has a problem, just tell him to look at the mess your in with it is that not enough?
Gina
A
female
reader, Mrs0809 +, writes (14 November 2009):
Mrs0809 is verified as being by the original poster of the question2
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): It's very possible that he's not into the relationship and wants out. BUT, masturbation an porn can also be an "addiction", especially if he suffers from low self esteem and performance anxiety. I once read an article that said the male sexuality is very fragile compared to the female sexuality. I didn't understand it at the time but it makes much more sense at my age (32). Are you being demanding and mean about it? Are you emasculating him about other things?I don't mean to throw the blame back at you, but maybe look at your own behaviour first. If you are a loving, kind woman then you should really consider getting out while you can. Porn and masturbation are VERY easy for a man. It's a release from everything because you are not in the real world for the time your are doing it. The fact that he has an xbox room tells me he looks for escape. Maybe you can help him through this by being understanding and helping him get out of his little "xbox/porn world", but if he isn't into trying to correct the problem (i.e. he doesn't want to talk about it) then you should probably move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): thank you all for your replies and thank you for not judging me.I'd just like to point out i know most men masturbate and watch porn and I don't have a problem with either my problem is that it's always his first option. I work shifts so every other week we get up at the same time so there'd be plenty of time to have a quickie but he's not interested, yet when i'm on earlies and have to leave 3 hours before him he goes and has a w@nk, i know this because i check the bin in his room...gross i know but this is what i've been driven too! I always know what i'm going to find and i get upset and feel rejected and by the time he gets home i can barely look at him or be nice to him. It's like we're still living apart, i understand when he was only seeing me at weekends of course he was going to take care of himself during the week but he's still doing it!He watches porn dvds and on his mobile, he hasn't touched the laptop since i discovered he'd been on this amateur porn site and went ballistic - he'd rather get himself off over looking at OTHER mens wives??? He used to have magazines but i asked him to get rid of them.And now i might sound like a hypocrite but i masturbate quite frequently too and he knows this but i don't do it instead of having sex with him and to be honest i haven't been able to climax recently because i've been so upset about this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): It sounds like you are seriously considering leaving this marriage, but are afraid of what others will think.Who cares what they think? I would think they would feel you were more stupid for staying in a failed one-sided relationship than biting the bullet and moving on. Keep your head up high and get out while you can. Don't become complacent, because time will pass and nothing will change, other than you have gotten older and finding a new guy will be harder.Sorry, but your husband sounds like a dud. You need to find a guy who wants to spend time with you and loves you. A personal and emotional connection like that will lead to regular sex.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (4 November 2009):
I wonder did he have a problem with the porn all the time you have been together? i ask merely because if you did why was it not addressed before now?
If this is something he has just started to do then you address it now.
If he wont listen to you when your wanting to discuss this, maybe you ought to tell him that your seriously thinking of giving up on the marriage because you refuse to live like this.
You do not need to accept porn no woman does, when it starts eating into your personal life then you have major problems as your seeing now!
I would start with discussing calmly with him, i would ask that he tries to refrain from using it so much, i would also make sure the computer is in your lounge where you can see what he is accessing, he might not want to do it as often if he knows your monitoring him.
I would also ask him what he thinks of porn blockers to help wean him away from it?
Many things you could try before giving up on him.
You see porn can become very addictive for some men and when it reaches these levels it is a hard task to even get them to admit they have a problem, because to admit to having a problem stops their fun!
He has to see your only 3 months married and he is acting totally selfish and as for the not helping with cleaning etc: then don't clean his mess let him lie in squalor it wont be long before he does the dishes when he does not have a clean one to eat from.
Don't do anything for him unless he is helping you because he sounds to me he wants running after hand and foot!
I think it is quite sad your only married this long and already there is problems, maybe you have made a mistake who knows that but only you!
Talk this over with him and let him see the severity of it all cause he seems totally oblivious to you and your needs, he seems to have just taken you for granted now and that is not good enough.
Gina
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A
male
reader, thenotsogreat  + ♥, writes (4 November 2009):
 I feel terrible for you. Consider yourself hugged.I dont like divorce, but its probably what your going to end up doing so why fight it.Its very strange that he would prefer masterbation over you. Have you tried taking to a counciller about it. He moight be a porn addict. I do watch porn sometimes, but truthfully not so much when im in a relationship.What I think you should do is try to have a frank discussion of what you want from him, listen to him and see if you both can comprimise on things.If that just isnt going to work, then place his belongig on the curbe and tell him not to bother coming back. Your family will understand
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  + ♥, writes (4 November 2009):
 I can absolutely empathise with your situation. I think the main thing to realise here is that you yourself seem to know in your heart that this relationship isn't what you hoped for and wanted and I am guessing from your post that you don't see yourself with this man in 20 or 30 years time (or even a years time) if all he's going to do is hang out in a room all day, play with himself and do his own thing. You're not alone, I can assure you of that, this situation is more than common, the next step is the path you choose to take because of it. You seem like you know that you don't want to be stuck in this relationship but you're staying at the moment because you don't want to look foolish having married a guy and gotten only 3 months in before feeling like you want to throttle him. I know the feeling sometimes, only our xbox room is a basement and he doesn't care about masturbation. Sometimes men get really stuck in their ways and when they're married they don't realise they have to be accomodating to their wife! They're not alone anymore, things need to work together - seriously, a cup of tea in the morning wouldn't hurt, would it!? I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice when I got married, things aren't as i'd like them to be and reading your post I identify with many of the feelings you express, but the difference is I grow to know my husband a little more every day and he does in his own way try to get a grip on living as a unit and not alone. Sex for many couples can become stale in marriage, even after a short time, but thats on both of you to spice it up a little or let it die. If there is simply no spark there, then why bother, thats what I keep telling myself. But there is only so long you can wait to see where that spark went. If you are truly unhappy, you shouldn't give a second thought to what other people around you think. It is your life to live how you see fit and there is no reason on earth why you shouldn't be making choices which suit and benefit you. I really hope you can see a way to resolve yoursituation and get back to being happy.
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (4 November 2009):
 start spending more time out of the house and get some time appart. be with friends etc. also if your friends where any good they would tell you straight what they think, i dont beleive there is any harm in telling them what sort of trouble you are in with your marrage and asking their opinions, what the best course of action is etc. In all honesty though, are you happy? if you arent happy with the way your new hubby is being, then do something about it, at the end of the day, no matter how much we love someone we shouldnt be unhappy just being with them. if i was unhappy about a situation i would talk to them about it, encourage good behaviour with rewards etc, lead by example and try not to nag and plead and beg, men are stubborn mules, the more fuss you make about getting something done the less likely it is to get done. hope this helps a little :) - Anadin
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