A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was working my normal Sunday shift and was able to get out early. When I came home I saw my sister in laws car parked in my driveway. I thought it was odd she was at our house,then thought it was probably my brother who was there. I went inside and caught my husband and my brothers wife having sex on the couch, she was giving him oral sex with her top lifted up to her neck with her boobs out. I was so shocked I walked out got in my car and drove to my girlfriends house in tears. I called my brother and told him what was going on. He flipped out, threw her out and went to a lawyer to divorce her. He's telling me to divorce him too and let the cheaters live with themselves. I moved out to my friends house with my kids. My husband hasn't said anything other than he was sorry. I think the only thing he may be sorry about is getting caught. My girlfriend said she thought they were too close at a recent gathering at our house. She noticed but didn't tell me, so I'm now furious with her. She said she didn't think much about it until now. I don't know if this was the first time they got together or if it's been going on for a while. I never dreamed my husband would ever cheat, especially with my sister in law. Now I feel like I lost 2 of my closest friends, my brother is very angry and took it out on me, I understand his anger but I have my own. I thought my marriage was rock solid, he's a great provider, a fantastic lover and I thought was my best friend in the world. I know my brother wants nothing to do with his wife, I'm considering going to a marriage counselor to figure out how this happened. I want my husband back but not if he's unhappy with our marriage. He seems to be too guilty to say much about it, but he must have had some attraction to her if he allowed it to happen or if he possibly started the affair. I don't know how it all started and I want to know how it started and why it did, or should I just do like my brother said, divorce him. It's not that easy for us, our youngest is 10 years old and the other child is 14. They don't know what happened, all they know is mommy and daddy had a big fight. I'm lost, I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): I would start a separation and file for divorce. He has no boundaries and no self control, sex with his sister in law? He will do it to you again down the road if you take him back. No doubt about it. Sorry for all of this. Yes, get rid of the couch, what a horrible, putrid visual.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 October 2014):
 Oh and I would put the couch out on the curb where it can be hauled away. Yuck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 October 2014):
First of all, you can't continue to live in a girlfriend's house with your kids. That's not sustainable long term no matter what. It may look later to a divorce judge that you abandoned the marital home and took the children with you. That may not be to your benefit in the future if the marriage can't be salvaged.
I would make 2 appointments a top priority. One, a good marriage counselor. Second, a shark of a divorce attorney.
You should probably move back into the home with your children and ask Mr. Blowjob to move out until things get sorted out. But again, this may become a legal matter and you should get some good solid advice from someone who knows the state's rules and regs on splitting up.
And stop being angry with your girlfriend. It's your husband who was the cheater along with your brother's wife. Your anger is misdirected. It's also a waste of energy. You should be channeling those feelings of rage and betrayal into positive action for yourself and your children. Eventually, the kids will figure it out and you will need to be prepared to deal with that.
See a counselor, a good one, TOMORROW. See a divorce attorney, a great one, TODAY.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2014): It was just a blowjob, good grief, you would throw everything away because of that? Maybe your husband got used by your bored sister in law? In this liberal world I am amazed at how conservative the reaction can be. Talk with him and work out if you still have anything in common. Relationships don't fail just because of one person.
Either way I don't think you are going to get on with your brother for quite a few years.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 October 2014):
 I think that you should meet with your husband in a public place (neutral territory) without the kids around so you two can talk and decide if you BOTH want to work on saving the marriage.
I have seen marriages survive cheating. If his behavior was a one time thing (i.e. he's not a serial cheater) then figuring out together what happened to cause it may help you both figure out how to (and if you want to) fix it.
I would not fault you at all for trying to make it work but counseling would be mandatory IMO. both for you and him as a couple and possibly each alone with a different therapist.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): You don't say how long ago this occurred, and therefore how long you've been separated. If all of this has been moving fast, you'll need to assess where you are, and what you want to do - a process it appears you are starting.If you have it in your heart to forgive your husband, and if you both have an interest in saving your marriage, getting counseling is the logical start. If your husband isn't that worried about the marriage, it is probably time to end it officially.You certainly have a complication in that your brother and his wife are involved. If your brother is simply done with his marriage, hopefully he can respect your decision if you patch things up with your husband. But, even if he is at least reasonably respectful, you probably can't expect him to be around much at future family gatherings.Sex can get a little humdrum in middle age, and peoples libidos sometimes take over the decision making, and they don't fully appreciate that a short term thrill can be a terrible thing for the people close to them. People make mistakes. If the hurt spouses in this still see some value in their marriages, and the the guilty ones want to save the marriages, giving it a chance may be worthwhile. You have a tough situation. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): I am so sorry this happened to you. I think your idea about counseling is a very good one. Go by yourself if your husband will not come with, just to get thru the terrible feelings and monumental changes that may come with a possible divorce. Also, just because you go to counseling, doesn't mean that you have chosen to stay or go; and it will give you more tools and information so that you will be confident in the decision you ultimately have to make.
I think you will regret it if you move directly to getting a divorce right now, though I am sure many here will tell you to do exactly what your brother is doing. Sounds like you need a bit more of an explanation from your husband about what was wrong with your marriage, and I agree with you that this affair is a symptom of something not being quite right.
Please try to forgive your friend. Hindsight is always 20/20, and of course now that this comes out, anything that could be viewed as inappropriate between those two in the past will come to full light. Your friend, I'm sure, had no idea those two were having a full on affair, and didn't want to bring up something small & petty about two of your close family members. That would just cause unnecessary problems.
Don't worry too much about the kids. Of course they will be hurt for a little while if you do decide to get a divorce, but they are quite old enough to understand if their parents do decide to split. Kids are very resilient and as long as their parents treat each other civilly and are happy outside the marriage overall, then they will be fine. Don't let them hold you back from doing what is right for you, as it will ultimately be right for them too.
I hope this can help a bit. I have been where you are and I know the anger, pain, and humiliation you are feeling. The ball is now in your court and you get to decide what happens next.
Best to you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 October 2014):
 What to do is file ASAP. The explosion has gone off now the dust has to settle and you have to get on with your life in a new way. It will be very hard but a year from now you will be in a better place.
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