A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI feel sad as I haven't got very many friends or people to connect with and share my feelings to.You know how women have a support network and they share things amongst one another, like they might have girly chats on the phone and talk to one another about stuff happening in their life, well I don't have anyone to connect with.I feel sad inside as if there is something I've done wrong in life to be in this place.Also I read that as children grow up, they try to recreate the environment in what they grew up with, and I feel that I was made to feel left out, plus made to feel different and devalued next to my younger sister.I feel that it's become a self-fulfilling prophesy.Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2014): I was like you at your age and would inwardly despair. Yes, my younger sister was very much prioritised. My family never really treated me like a person, just someone to look after my sister. If you stay like you are now, absolutely nothing will change except your confidence in making friends will get worse and worse. I'd really recommend doing what I'm doing now, but do it much earlier than I did.First, make a list of possible networks, even if it feels fake and weird and even if they are ALL empty. Social network, close friends network, community network, support network, family network, professional network, work community, hobby community, school and college community. Even if it nearly kills you to make this lists, do them - even if there is no one in them or only people that you feel strange about or not right with, it doesn't matter, they have to go into one of the lists.Second, PRACTICE and EXPERIMENT in filling the networks one by one. The way to do this is to start by doing an activity that will lead you to people you can list in your networks. Don't expect ANY bosom buddies at first, that will take longer to develop. So, for example, if you think you can handle starting with community network, then go and do a community activity like joining a local choir or helping out in a community garden. Look online to find out what community activities are available to you in your own and neighbouring communities. When you meet someone and you make any kind of connection, add them to your network list. Some people will come under several lists. If you find you don't enjoy an activity, or you're not sure about it, try another one - you may not like yoga, but you might like dance classes.Similarly, if you need to fill up your social list and don't know how, think of social activities you might like, beyond just going to bars etc. Walking groups are a social event and a great way to get to know people. Again, the point is NOT to make really deep, meaningful friendships at this stage, just to gain confidence in building networks. You may think: "I don't have any professional network at all" - but this is easy - just find a class of some sort that's related to working life - something like Toastmasters or an evening class related to an aspect of work - and you will meet people to put on your professional network.As you gain confidence in this, your ability to form deeper friendships will improve. It will take time and only you can be the measure of how much time. Don't beat yourself up if you get something wrong, keep trying, but don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do.Also, I'd really recommend making a big list of REAL things that you do that give you pleasure and which you can do either alone or with someone. Going to the cinema alone on a 'sneaky' afternoon can be really pleasurable because it always feels indulgent to do that. Exercising can make you feel great. The point here is that, the more pleasurable things you are aware of being available and the more that you do, it will all help - if you have no one to go to an activity with, then go by yourself, but don't force yourself either - or if you really can't face doing something alone, substitute it with a pleasurable thing that you at least enjoy doing a bit. It won't take away loneliness, but it will help. You kind of have to network with yourself as much as with anyone else.In all of these encounters, be nice and kind to people but do not become a doormat to be used. Just remember to be steady, reliable, stable and warm where it's appropriate. Don't feel embarassed about joining groups because the vast majority of people will go because they are in the same boat - and no, they're not losers, just nice people looking for a pleasurable time.Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as if you are your own friend. If a friend was in this situation, how would you encourage her to start building networks for herself? Take your time and learn about what you enjoy.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 October 2014):
 I am the one who feel left out in my family. For my solitary life it can be contributed to both nature and nurture reasons. My personality makes it hard for me to relate to other people and share their feelings. I like to be left alone. So my parents could say to me that I never drew attention, so they just did less with me than my brother.
You have to be honest with yourself, do you want to have female friends because you are supposed to, it makes you feel normal, and your parents somehow approves you more, or do you genuinely want female friends? My opinion is that when people have enough interest in something they will just get it without hesitating. Sometimes a bad childhood experience can dampen that interest. Especially too, if your city is not so open to making new friends beyond their own circle. It's like, if you don't network by the time you graduate high school or university, then you are by yourself forever. My approach to this is to do nothing about it. You are certainly not alone.
...............................
|
