A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony Aunts,I know this girl and I like her, but she said she just wants to be friends. I was heartbroken at first but then said to myself, I like her enough so why not just be friends. So we made an arrangement last week to see a movie, as friends. When I got to her place, though, she was all dressed up beautifully. She was wearing a black dress exposing one shoulder and had her hair back and lipstick. I was straight from work so just dressed business casual. I remarked how she looked great and she said well, I just wanted a change.We went to the movie, and yes, I took her home and that was that. No kisses good night. She just thanked me and smiled and left the car to her apartment.So now I am confused as all get out. Why would she dress up like that if we are just FRIENDS? Is she just playing with me????Thanks.--Confused in Canada
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male
reader, Mitchell1978  +, writes (21 July 2011):
I don't get why you try to be friends, stuff like that never works, just ignore her.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 I just got myself dressed up to go out to dinner with some friends of mine. They're a couple. I just wanted to look nice. I wore lipstick and did my hair and wore a nice outfit. It doesn't mean I want to date them or anything. I put a great deal of effort into getting back in shape, and dammit, I'm going to enjoy looking nice!
Would you have felt better if she didn't wash her hair, wore some old grungy outfit and no makeup? How would that have made you feel, if she'd put in zero effort into looking nice?
I wouldn't read too much into this. Unless she is leading you on with a great deal of flirting and touching?
Maybe it would be better if you didn't go out as friends by yourselves if this is too confusing for you. Or try to ask her out again, but if she's said out loud that she sees you as only a 'friend' I wouldn't hold out too much hope. Sorry.
A better strategy for you would be to include in a group setting a girl who thinks you are hot and who might cause this other girl to re-evaluate your dateability. Though that's not very nice to the girl.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Maybe she dressed for herself?
I Know that i tend to dress up... for example I'm on sick leave from work and today i had errands to run... hair done, contacts in, make up on in a cute summer dress with low heels... work suitable.. whereas in prior years it would have been comfy baggy shorts and a shirt, no make up who cares about contacts and what my hair looks like...
do not read more into it than is there... we often try so hard to believe someone feels the way we WANT them to feel..
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 maybe coz she wants you to fancy her. she may fancy you but was too shy to make a move, or unsure of your feelings to her or she maybe one of these girls who think that men should always be the one to make the move. a lot of women think its low to throw themselves at a man. why did she tell you previously that she just wanted to be friends? did she give a reason? do you think she may have changed her mind now that she has gotten to know you more? i suggest invite her out again, somewhere more fancy than the movies and this time you get dressed up too, nice aftershave etc. see what she makes of it. maybe bring the conversation round to talking about feelings again and see what happens.
sometimes us girls just like to get dolled up for now particular reason, but to look gorgeous just to sit in a dark cinema seems to be a bit of a wasted effort, unless of course there was 'someone in particular' she wanted to impress (when they picked her up from home - know what i'm saying OP?)
x
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (18 July 2011):
 For me the "friends" word is the death-knell. It means thanks but no thanks. And many people will cut contact and move on immediately. There are others that stick around in the hope she will "kinda change" her mind. From my experience anything involving Friend is a non starter. It's a non starter because you want her as a girlfriend, not a friend. You want the real thing. So, I would either cut now and forget about it, or try one more meet up and see if anything happens. Don't imagine it, don't fool yourself, if she continues to talk friendship then cut your losses.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 ChiGirl, then you're one in a million.
I think we can have this discussion, but the poster needs to be warned that she may be playing with him, which will take him to:
a) "I said we were friends", which is what she already did;
b) "Give me space", which is what she might say if he keeps pushing;
c) "You're harassing me", if he pushes even more.
These being different degrees of a man in love who doesn't find the strength to let go. So let's put our differences in opinion apart, and let us warn the poster that, should he choose to continue to go out with this girl, he will do it in the understanding that NO PROMISES have been made. He may be secretly wishing that his being there, who knows, will make her feel an attraction, and you and I know that the chances of that happening are as many as the chances of it not happening.
On a side note, I agree that the term "friend zone" is empty. I agree with that more than you think, the first reason being that it's an English term that has no equivalent in Spanish (my native tongue, and the tongue I use for thinking), one that I learned to use here and on other English websites. But, as in all stereotypes, there is an element of truth in that: "Proceed at your own risk". The woman already told him that she doesn't want a relationship with him. He keeps hoping he will get one.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 July 2011):
 If you can be played by her then you need to distance yourself anyway. This looks like a no win situation to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): Maybe she wanted to look good for you because she thinks there might be something more between you two.
Maybe she wanted to look good so she would get the attention of other guys.
I think the real question is, why would a girl dress up to go to the movies? No one is going to see her looking hot in the dark...
The best way to find out is to go on another 'friend date' with her and then try to kiss her at the end. If she doesn't want to then you have your answer.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Daniele, you said you never met a woman who placed a guy in the "friendzone" and then took him out. Well, you've now met her. And I know more of them too. There is no friend zone, that term is made up by guys to have a less pathetic excuse than "she isn't interested in you". It's all about boyfriend potential. You either are or you aren't. You can be upgraded and degraded. It isn't a fixed state. It's about availability, attractiveness, fitness, money, status, you name it, and all these variables change over time.
Example: a girl doesn't like a guy because he appears as boring or not interesting. Then she finds out he's immensely popular with tons of friends and the possible status she'd get if she was his girlfriend turns him into boyfriend material. Or, she thought he was an idiot, gets to know the guy and he surprises her with his insight and wisdom. Poof, he went from "friend" to "date-able".
A girl might be quick to say no to a guy because she doesn't find him attractive (you're right, it usually happens within seconds), then gets to know him and falls in love.
However, I'm not saying this girl is in love with you OP. I'm just saying the "friend zone" idea is lame. For women at least there is no such thing. Either she likes you or she doesn't, but she can also easily swing between the two several times. But, continue to just treat her as a friend, like you would other friends, and not keep your hopes up.
I wouldn't suggest you arrive late, unless you're a bad friend typically who arrives late, keep people waiting or right out ditches them. Be respectful, but NO extra's or extra attention! Special attention is for the special girl in your life. Don't give special attention to "friends".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): she was probably hoping to meet a cute guy there sorry to say but it's not you. its not playing with your head, there wasn't just the two of you so its evident the dressy look was for other guys
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Being friends with a girl you liked and got shot down by is a tough emotional spot to be in. It makes it tough to meet girls who like you back - you're emotions are all in a tangle from spending so much time with the girl you like. I wouldn't recommend keeping it up.
Now, with that said, girls mostly dress up to show off for each other, not for guys. But, just in case you're an exception, when this situation comes up, hit on her, flirt with her, have fun. Get a little physical - touch her arm, lead her around by the hand, put your arm around her waist - see how she responds. Sometimes you have to ignore what a girl says because she doesn't really mean it. Don't ruin the game by saying anything about what you're doing out loud. Pay close attention to her demeanor and body language. If she responds negatively to your actions, stop and find a new girl. If she responds positively, keep it up.
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A
male
reader, Greasy +, writes (18 July 2011):
You know, I think there is a Pox crawling across our land - or, at least - on both of our houses. Damn near the same spot as you, & wow does it ever suck.
So here's my take: I agree w/Battista & chigirl's possibility (B). That's based only on an objective survey of the evidence: getting dolled-up sans any overt affection/flirtation.
Even if, say, she were toying with you it's in your interest to interpret her cues conservatively, as a friend - since that's the box she put you in. If you've told her how you feel and there's no ambiguity, then your cards are already on the table & it's her call (sorry for mixing metaphors, but there you go).
My only advice would be this: If the situation continues to scratch away at your sanity, have a candid chat with her. In all likelihood, she's not doing anything out of the ordinary on purpose - instead, your perception of what she does is affected by the tugging, longing, wrenching feelings you continue to hold for her... I think I was just talking to myself there.
In any case, confusion is understandable. As with all situations life might present, if you act in a manner that preserves your own dignity and encourages the same in others, you're sure to come out OK.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (18 July 2011):
Confused: She said she wanted you as a friend, but she is fully aware that you want more than that. So she's playing with your feelings, and it doesn't matter whether she dresses up, or down, or undresses, or whatever.
My hard-learned advice is, stay away from people who play with your feelings.
I beg to differ with the two previous posters. I have never, ever known a case when a woman puts you in the friend zone and then takes you out of it. Women see through men and they know whether they want something with you approximately half a nanosecond after they met you. By the time you're moving from simply staring at her boobs to trying to guess where her nipples are (approximately), she already knows what she expects from you and whether you are "Mr. Right" or not.
It's often said that women like men who have a backbone. If she puts you in the friends zone, yet you take her out, compliment her, et cetera, she is having her cake and eating it, too. Has no commitments, but has the good side of male attention and all the et ceteras.
If she said she wanted a friendship, keep her as a friend. My opinion is, don't go out with her. If you do (and I'm afraid you will), dress in that old t-shirt of yours that reads "Piglet and I are great friends... we dirty up together" or the like, arrive late, and flirt with someone. See where that takes you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2011):
Two options, both as likely:
A) She likes you as possibly more, for unknown reasons turned you down, but maybe she's been thinking about you at night and wants to test the waters before diving in.
B) She always dresses up with friends, or had a sudden urge to style herself up a bit, out of random.
How to deal with it: ask her out again on something casual, just as friends, in a little while. Let the appropriate amount of time pass, just like you would with every other friend of yours. Then ask her out on something casual like you do with other friends, dress casual yourself as usual, and see how she dresses this time around. Play it by ear, it could have been a one time case.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Hello,
The friends things could be a problem for you because you obviously want more. If you want more from a girl then don't hang around in this situation wondering about things. No kiss or flirting all points to a platonic arrangement. Perhaps, try one more arrangement and see if she agrees to come. If she delays then forget it. If she agrees and it's just the same as before, then move on to someone else. However, if you are happy with the friends thing then carry on. Friends sucks though if you like her.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (18 July 2011):
Girls like to dress up if they have the opportunity. If you're going out it's fun to wear something other than work or gym clothes. The same goes for make-up if you can't really wear it at work. It could all mean nothing and your friend might just want to look good for herself.
On the other hand, she may just be playing with you. However, if she was simply nicely dressed but didn't show any flirtatious behaviour at all, then I would think she just took the opportunity to look her best, regardless of who she was with.
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