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If I really am the woman he is in love with and plans to be with for the rest of his life why has he made getting married so difficult?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 April 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 April 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years going on 3. We have two babies and are pretty serious about eachother. The only problem is that we seem to have completely different views about marriage. I want to get married desperately. Every inch of my being desires to be married. My life goal above all else is to be a married woman. I hate having children outside of marriage it makes everything feel so fragile. I feel like marriage is the only way to legitimize everything. He proposed to me, probably to shut me up but has since then made every and any excuse to postpone getting married. He says he doesnt understand why I want it so bad and that although he wants to do it someday, he doesnt necessarily want to do it any time soon. We are going through some financial tough times right now. Money is SUPER tight so I cant even complain about it right now because we cant even afford it but we had plenty of chances before. He has a child with someone else, thats a story on its own. But I feel like if he has a baby with someone else, something so precious as a child, then what does he have exclusively with me that he hasnt had or given to someone before? If I really am the woman he is in love with and plans to be with for the rest of his life why has he made getting married so difficult?! I dont even want anything big I just want to legitimize it through court!

Im starting to lose hope on ever getting married I have friends younger than me who are married and it just crushes me. It honestly really does depress me and no matter how many times and how many ways I talk to him about it it just stays the same. We have set many dates and deadlines to get married hes promised me so many times that oh by april, oh by august, but everytime something comes up and we cant do it.

View related questions: crush, married woman, money

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 April 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYou have TWO babies!!!!.... and you're JUST NOW trying to figure out if you (two) are "serious" about one-another???????

YOU need to dump this "marriage-phobe"... and THEN, figure out if YOU know how difficult it is for kids to grow up in a one-parent household.......

Good luck...

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (30 April 2015):

chigirl agony auntHe's always got an excuse? Always postpones? Then it's because he doesn't want it. Simple as that.

If he wanted to be married he'd understand your feelings. But he has told you he doesn't understand why you want to be married! The only way that could be is if he himself doesn't want it, otherwise he'd understand, wouldn't he?

Look, getting married doesn't cost much. It's holding a wedding party and having the dress and all that costs money. If you really want to legitimize everything, and to be married, then go do it (court house, city council house or wherever it is you go). Get it done in an afternoon. Then hold a wedding party and church wedding and all that later. That's just for show anyways.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (30 April 2015):

YouWish agony auntI read your post twice before it dawned on me what this is really about:

You DO realize that getting married won't change your life or lift the burden of pressure you're feeling, right?

Two years? You're 18-21? You have two children. The good news is that you'll be full of vitality when they come of age. The bad news is that a marriage won't fix your insecurities or restlessness.

You need to slow down and enjoy life. Don't look at this guy as your key. Look to yourself, and imagine yourself independent of him or anyone else. You have untapped strength that your stigmas haven't let you consider.

Slow down. You don't need him like you think you do. Pull the pressure off of him (except financially, which you should be calling on the court's guidance for).

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (30 April 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntOP if you've given him everything that a married man gets, without getting married to him first, why would he want to get married to you? You're offering him all the perks of married life outside of marriage so he obviously doesn't want to legalize it. Why would he? He's completely fine with whatever he has without the added responsibility of being a husband.

In his head, he has it all. He has someone to take care of his home, a hot meal, a clean house, two kids who are well-looked after by their mother, he gets sex whenever he wants...why would he want to get married and more importantly, from his perspective, what would marriage really change? What extra benefits would he get from marriage? Everything that he would get FROM marriage, he's already getting without it.

This is why its essential to have your priorities ironed out OP. You went on to have two kids with him even though you want to make it a legal relationship. You should have thought of this before getting into all this. He doesn't sound like someone who is in any way serious about getting married to you, which is why something keeps coming up conveniently whenever you want to get married.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

"The only problem is that we seem to have completely different views about marriage. I want to get married desperately. Every inch of my being desires to be married."

If you are so desperate to get married then why on earth did you ever get involved with a guy whom you presumably knew already had an out-of-wedlock child? That should have told you his views about marriage were incompatible with yours before you started having children with him.

"But I feel like if he has a baby with someone else, something so precious as a child, then what does he have exclusively with me that he hasnt had or given to someone before?"

Nothing.

"If I really am the woman he is in love with and plans to be with for the rest of his life why has he made getting married so difficult?!"

Because he currently enjoys all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities or obligations so he stands nothing to gain by marrying you and he retains the freedom to walk away at any moment, just as he did from his first baby mama.

Sorry, not much you can do other than decide if you want to remain a shack-up girlfriend/live-in baby mama or become a husband-hunting single mother of two. If two pregnancies aren't motivation enough for him to marry you then it's very unlikely that the third or fourth or fifth pregnancy is going to change his mind.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 April 2015):

janniepeg agony auntHow financially tough are you guys? So tough that he can't afford $100 at the city hall and maybe some more for the witness?

I think you made the problem to be yourself, or the love, but in reality many men don't propose because they don't believe themselves to have the ability to be a good husband. Besides the legalities, is he acting like a husband and do you own or rent a place together?

However, I don't get his logic. Money is tight and he had 2 more babies with you. Oh, it's not him having the babies but he decided not to use protection. This is the result of not thinking things through. So it makes sense that he would be cautious about making another serious life decision.

Getting married is not something you do because everyone else is doing it. You should be going towards it with excitement and the confidence that you will be happy forever. It surely is not something to do to keep someone quiet. If there's a reason to not get married that's because he doesn't have faith that you won't one day leave him, out of frustration of the money situation. Better save than to spend money on the ring, the legal procedure than the divorce.

If there's another reason, it could be that he is afraid of upsetting the other family. Maybe they counted on him to get married to his ex too. Maybe his ex would cause drama.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWell, if you CHOSE to have kids with a GUY who isn't your husband, I would presume that HE thinks you don't NEED to be married to raise them...

You are 18-21 so pretty young, but I have to ask WHAT is the hurry?

I get that you want to be a family in EVERY way (in the eyes of the law) as well as living together. I don't see any excuse that he can give (other than he doesn't WANT to marry you) to not marry.

Getting married by the JOP (Justice of the Peace) is what $50? and then if you have a few friends/family out for dinner it's maybe $300-500 - so if his excuse is money.. make a plan to save up.

You don't really say WHAT reason he gives for postponing it, but my guess is.... he isn't ready for THAT commitment.

Having babies with you is easy enough, anyone can have sex, anyone (more or less) can make a baby - it IS harder to make a FULL commitment to someone else.

The thing is, EVERY time he delays and you say OK - HE will delay. And since you aren't READY to say OK enough, I'm done... he will continue to delay.

I don't really think he is mature enough for what you are asking of him.

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