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I want to ensure my well being through this process.

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Friends with Benefits, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 January 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Seeing this guy who is older than I am. Very casual and open at first. It's been about three or four months and we both are kind of surprised we are still seeing each other, and that the relationship is progressing. I stay over a lot, we have the most intense sex and have unparalleled similarities when it comes to our messed up families. Point being, I have never felt so connected to someone. The physical chemistry alone is indescribable. His breath alone turns me on.

Anyway. The age thing is in the way for long term future possibilities as I want to go to grad school and he is really digging into his career. That isn't the main point of concern. He has told me that he has feelings for a close friend of his, one that I was befriending as well. She is a lesbian and has only just now tried dating men (in her 30's). But she has been having jealousy issues with me, feeling like she was competing for his time. I was very sensitive to their friendship, not wanting that to be a point of tension or a reason for him to stop seeing me so I made time and encouraged him to hang out with her when he would've chosen to see me. This was all fine with me and I was sympathetic until he told me he was jealous she was seeing a guy and that he might have feelings for her and told her so. The hard part is that he said he is not sexually attracted to her at all and he does not see a relationship with her, given that his sexuality is important to him. He said he has never had such deep emotional feelings with a woman he hasn't been romantically or sexually involved with. When he first told me this I wanted to walk away and close the door, I felt like I was on fire. But instead I heard him out, I need to understand what is happening. He said he never expected we would still be seeing each other (he thought I would grow bored or would want to sleep around since I am younger) but that he really likes me, has enjoyed our progression and now we are exclusive. I asked him what he wanted from me. I don't want to be a sex toy while he has an emotional relationship with another woman. That is my fear, although I really don't think that that would happen or is what he wants. He said he doesn't want me to leave or stop seeing him. That right now he is trying to work out his feelings and just stay friends with her. That he can't tell right now if his feelings are platonic and he's just never had a close friendship like this with a woman. He has reassured me he doesn't want to nor feel the need to pursue a relationship with her.

Because we have had such an intense physical and emotional connection, I feel the need to see this through to the end. We have had such hard, honest conversations and his willingness to be open and start those dialogues is a good sign to me. I just am a little frustrated at the friendship he has with her because it seems like she has been straining his relationships (she was a point of contention for his last relationship too). The thing is, I think she is just insecure and needs to be center of attention. So while she does care about him, I don't even think it is because she wants to be with him long term, I think I just stole away her usual undivided attention from him and that she can't handle that. She hasn't even been interested in men until recently and even then has said she doesn't want to end up with one.

So as it is, he is still trying to work through his feelings, will update me if things change and we are going to try to move ahead and put this aside for now. I do not want to be jealous, I trust him and do not want to put any constraints on him, such as saying he can't see her alone. But trying to look at it from the outside, it seems to me they have opened Pandora's box for their friendship and either they need to cut all ties or set very clear boundaries to continue. She used to sleep over at his house if they were hanging out to late. In his bed with him, nothing sexual occurring. I didn't try to stop that because I knew they were friends and he reassured me there was nothing there. He has since told her she can't do that anymore because it is confusing to her. So I guess I am in a limbo of waiting to see how he processes those feelings, and since this all unfolded recently, if we can continue our relationship normally as if this never happened (not ignoring it but not focusing on it anymore).

Could use outside perspectives and advice maybe in how I should proceed and gage the risk of my emotional wellbeing for this.

View related questions: insecure, jealous, lesbian, sex toy

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

Seems your male-friend likes a challenge. A younger woman in one hand, and a lesbian in the other. He seems to enjoy drama as well.

Some men like being the only rooster in the hen-house. Two women competing for him; while he sits in the middle letting them slug it out. Playing one against the other, and letting it all feed his ego.

She knew him before you did; so she thinks she deserves his attention. He's holding out to see if she's going to switch teams. If she calls herself a lesbian and hasn't slept with him by now; it's very unlikely she ever will.

It seems he's trying to keep you both happy at the same time. He's hoping for her to "go-hetero." Then he will make a choice between you.

I think he has to be more emotionally-available before you start sinking all your feelings into this relationship. He admits he's got feelings for her. Not good! The simpler and more defined a relationship is; the less problems you'll have to deal with.

I think you're dealing with more than you are experienced enough to handle. They are older than you, and you're seeming more like a third-wheel than a girlfriend.

I don't involve myself romantically with people who have strange relationships with their best friends or exes. It's a deal-breaker for me. She's making herself a wedge, and that is the source of your problems. He goes only so far setting the boundaries with her; but not far enough for you to invest in a long-term relationship.

I think sex is the only thing that keeps you together. You're too young to see that. You don't want to see otherwise.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntSince you two ARE not in a exclusive committed relationship, I don't think you have much say at all.

I would NOT want to date a guy who's female friend is

1. acts jealous and/or possessive.

2. looking to all of a sudden date men. (or maybe just him)

3. sleeps over in HIS bed.

I would pull back a bit from this mess, honestly. He needs to sort this out. You say he is older and he already "ruined" ONE relationship over this girl. So it's not JUST you having issues. He does need to set boundaries with this friendship because she seems rather territorial for a platonic friend. My guess is, though, that he won't. He GETS something out of this as well.

Every time I hear someone mention that the woman/man friend is a lesbian/gay so no need to worry, I think to myself BULLSHIT. There wouldn't BE this much drama if romantic notion or sexual tension were NOT involved.

If you want an ACTUAL relationship with him I would NOT jump into things as they are. I'm definitely not saying he NEEDS to cut her loose, but I am saying as you describe things I wouldn't want to date him. No matter how delish he is or how well you mesh.

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