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I trust him but I don't trust his ex, and from his text messages it seems he met up with her at 3am last night! I cant talk to him about this so what should I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 March 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2011)
A female India age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi, i need some serious advice.i'm not the kind of person who would normally do this as whenever i have a conflict, i believe i am mature enough to handle it myself. but this is something that is really messing me up.me and my boyfriend have almost been dating for two years now.we are very much in love and see a future together as well. we are extremely open with each,we talk about just anything and don't really hide anything from each other.but he is extremely particular about his privacy..like we really are not the kind of couple who interferes with each other and keep asking nagging questions.we don't share things like passwords and the permission to read each others personal content(including text messages,emails,etc). He has an ex-girlfriend who he still talks to and meets, i am very well aware of this and trust him completely. but lately i have started getting a little insecure. She talks to him openly using words like 'honey' etc..as if they are still that close. but that is not really what bothers me. He came to my house today to make me breakfast as i was sick..while he was making breakfast, i picked up his phone to play a game and his log was open. There were hundreds of text messages and calls exchanged between him and his ex from 2-4 a.m. it really pinched me so i opened his text messages and read the whole conversation between them. it seems like he went to meet her last night at 3 a.m in the morning.i felt extremely guilty doing it because i have done it once before and he told me to never do it again. i didn't want to, but my insecurity got the better of me. Now the problem is, i am getting REALLY messed up about this as i asked him (indirectly) what he did last night...and he said he didnt feel like working so he watched videos and chatted till 7 a.m and went to bed...i mean HE LIED TO ME. this has never happened before. i cannot talk to him about this,because i know he would get EXTREMELY angry...there are very few things he is particular about and one of them is his privacy. i am not jealous. i trust him completely but i do not trust her. how should i deal with this.talking to him is not an option.what do i do so i can feel better about it?

View related questions: ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, jealous, text

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (31 March 2011):

jonas agony auntI feel that your bf is over him and there's not so much going on between them. Yes, I don't know him and I can't read his mind but the guilt is making him wanting to do things for her automatically.

She has a hold on him and basically she knows that it is working very well. She makes him feel guilty for dumping her, and her plight of ending up with abusive boyfriend. I think she comes from a broken family or has abusive parents, siblings who are not all close to her and perhaps broken relationships in the past that made her left all self esteem and is being used physically or materially or in any other aspects but even then, if you are born in a healthy family and you suffered some kind of breakup which everyone does, it wouldn't have such an impact on you to the point you have suicidal thoughts and like to cut yourself.

I used to have a friend like this, I was also like this but I don't cut myself. What I mean is, she would cling onto anyone who shows her some attention, any bit of attention and she would do anything to keep that person or make that person be with her although she didn't realize that he is sympathizing her not love her.

I suggest firstly, occasionally broach up the subject, show concern for her. Don't put him in a spot. Convince him that she should go for counseling, it will help her in the long run. Then slowly use time to convince her that it was not his fault she ended up with those jerks. It was not his fault she is like this, obviously he had enough of her and cannot take it anymore so he dumped her. But it takes time. And no point blew up with him and give that gal an edge to your bf. But the problem is, your bf may be feeling guilty and is doing things willingly for her, to an extent at her beck and call. She is an attention seeker so you need to handle this very tactfully.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (22 March 2011):

TELLULAH agony auntSweetie, I dont think you really want to hear our opinions. Or maybe you did, but we didnt say what you wanted to hear. Its up to you what you do with your life, but I would put a bet on that this guy is up to no good, otherwise he wouldnt keep stuff from you. As for not wanting to upset you, surely visiting an unstable girl in the middle of the night is kind of asking for trouble?

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A male reader, Capri2 Argentina +, writes (21 March 2011):

If there is nothing going on, how come he went to the house at 3 am and even if he did that. Why did he hide it from you?

There is no reason for him going to see her 3 am and much less reason for not telling you. In fact, if he hasn't any other option but go to her house. He should have telephoned you and told you where he was going and why.

I don't know if he's actually cheating on you (as in having sex with her) but he's going to see her 3 am and hiding it from you. Which is a cheating itself.

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A female reader, kirra07 Canada +, writes (21 March 2011):

Are you really sure that you can trust him at this point? It doesn't matter how psychotic and desperate his ex gf is, if he is open and honest with you and knows where to draw the line with her. But I'm not sure if he is. You looked at his phone at saw 100s of messages between him and his ex in the middle of the night? I don't even send 100s of messages to my bf when he was long distance away from me. It's a bit concerning when they are in that much close contact. And then he lied about it. If he lied about it, then he felt on some level that what he did was somewhat wrong or questionable. Otherwise if he wasn't ashamed and had nothing to hide, he could just have told you the truth.

You have to decide where you draw the line...or you will just continue to be driven crazy. He can say that he doesn't feel that way about her, not to worry, etc etc. but he is still letting her act the way she acts. If someone started expressing feelings to my fiance and calling him honey and calling him all the time, etc etc (basically hitting on him or trying to start something), a) i would expect him to tell me and b) i would expect him to say something to her to make it clear that he's taken and he's uncomfortable with how she's acting. What happens if she starts being very touchy feely when they hang out? Will he just say that it means nothing and he doesn't have feelings for her, so then that's okay?

Just because he would be mad at you for snooping and just because he would be mad at your insecurity doesn't mean that your feelings aren't worthwhile. Now I'm not saying break up, but you're allowed to be insecure and you're allowed to ask him to respect your feelings and the fact that you're his girlfriend. If you're uncomfortable with the fact that his ex who wants him back is all over him and talking to him a lot at all hours, you should be able to talk to him about it and maybe you can work out a compromise so they are still friends but you aren't as uncomfortable. Maybe he will talk to her less. Maybe he will tell her to stop expecting anything to happen and that they are just friends. Maybe you will all go out together and he can show her that he is in a committed relationship. At the end of the day, YOU'RE the one who is supposed to be in a relationship with him, so YOUR feelings should be the most important. And if he loves you, he should want to help you feel secure (maybe not to the extent of cutting her out of his life, but at least acting properly around her, etc.).

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A female reader, Gertie New Zealand +, writes (21 March 2011):

I've just come out of a very bad situation myself..we were together a year but after he broke it off with me,I found out he'd been cheating on me with his ex the whole time and lying to me about it. He was going round there visiting her and telling me the stuff I wanted to hear. This guy promised me everything,a life together,a baby,we were supposed to be 'soul mates'..and then he did this. HE too made out his ex was crazy but you know what,it takes 2 to tango and I suspect in your situation,you aren't being told the whole story. He is still attached to her emotionally and that does not bode well for your relationship I'm afraid.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i don't trust her because a) she has a history of psycho behaviour like getting suicidal and cutting herself, etc...so that kind of indicates that she's mentally unstable.normal people just don't do that kinda shit.

b)she did stupid things like blame my boyfriend for getting beaten up by her abusive boyfriend who she was licing with.. "if you wouldn't have left me, i'd still be with you and this would have never happened"

c) she still has feelings for him.

d) i'm a girl.even if he says that she won't dare start anything with him, i know she's capable.girls always are!

e)its not that i don't trust him. he never lies to me. if he did, it was probably because he didn't want to getting hurt.

i just want him to be honest with me...that's all..i don't care who he goes and fucks,i don't care if we break up.(even though that's not happening,coz we really ARE in love) i just want some honesty,,

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (21 March 2011):

TELLULAH agony auntHi Hun,

You say you trust him but not her? I dont understand why?

He is the one that lied to you not her, and he is very secretive by the sound of it. Its up to you, but from where I see it there is something going on.

My partner is mates with his ex wife(so am I) but I come first in our relationship, not the ex. She knows that and respects that, its why we all get on. There are no secrets!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

it's not HIM having feelings i'm worried about. i know he's not going anywhere and he doesn't have any feelings. but i know for a fact that SHE does. and he insists that even if she does, nothing can happen because he does not and she knows about me. how do i show him i am insecure

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011):

Are you blind? He's cheating on you. Its completely clear he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend. Leave him, guys never change and you don't want him finding out you read through his messages. If it isn't physical cheating its emotional cheating which is just as hurtful. Coming from a womans point of view, do you want to have to constantly worry about this happening in the future? Because I wouldn't. There are plenty of guys out there that wouldn't have to make you worry about the ex-factor! But in all honesty I would leave. I can almost promise you that if you let him loose he would get back with his ex.

Another thing, I don't blame you for looking through his messages. I have been there and done that. Sometimes its the only way to find out if he is really cheating or not. Usually if you have a gut feeling about something you should trust it. He wants his privacy because he doesn't want you seeing what he texts to his ex. I know it might be hard letting him go but you will be much happier in the long run. I just got out of a 6 year relationship back in december and the first few weeks I thought I would never move on, now I'm dating the most wonderful, honest guy I have ever met. My advice is to move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

no guys, don't misunderstand.i know this guy inside out,and he would never cheat on me.i know everything that goes on..and i try very hard to see things from his point of view,which i mostly do and i understand.its just my insecurity acting up and i know this is a very big deal but its no reason to break up, especially because we've been together for two years,we see a future together.we think on the same level..want the same things...and its not an illusion, its real.(i know everyone says this but its true..believe me) i know exactly what goes on in his head and he's neither a pretender nor a liar as such. he probably didn't tell me as he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings.the thing is, this chick is what bothers me.to make things more clear, let me tell you a bit about her.she's a typical small town mentality.he was not happy in his relationship with her and he broke up,after which she got into an extremely abusive live-in relationship.her boyfriend used to beat her up and do shit like chuck her out at 2 a.m with all her stuff saying "to hell with you,bitch!" she used to hurt herself,cut herself,etc...these are signs of mental instability,she seems pretty psycho to me.she even blamed my boyfriend for her condition, saying that its his fault, because if he wouldnt have left her, they would have still been together and she wouldnt have gone through any of that. as a matter of fact when my boyfriend broke it off with her she was on the verge of suicide-her family members even called my boyfriend up,it was a truly retarded affair.after that he didnt really want anything to do with her but she has held on to him and not let him go. i have talked to him about my insecurity before but he assured me that nothing would happen coz he just doesn't see her that way anymore-he can never sustain happiness with her. she is just not trustworthy and i KNOW she has feelings for him.really.but he's in denial about it, saying that even if SHE has feelings it makes no difference because HE does not and he loves me.she knows everything about me as well, so he says she wouldnt dare start anything with him. its just very hard to explain to him that exes cannot be friends.

the second issue is,why he's so picky about his privacy....its not just him..its a mutual thing which i also encourage..we have seen our friends who had great relationships because they got in too deep and lost their individuality, lost their personal lives and ended up breaking up because of it...both of us don't have any problems with all this stuff..but its just this girl that gives me the CREEPS. i cannot tell him i read his messages because i truly didnt want to, and it still makes me very guilty.i respect his feelings and he'd be really hurt if i told him i did that despite him telling me not to.

it's just that these kind of things make me doubt myself...not bragging, but i am really pretty..i have a good personality..i'm confident..just being honest so you guys can get a better idea.but lately i have gained A LOT of weight...i've started looking extremely fat.i know thi8s bothers him, coz cmon...who doesn't want a girlfriend who is hot.he motivates me all the time to get back into shape and all...but lately i've been feeling like..there's that one thing lacking in me which might drive him towards others.i encourage flirting and shit, its GOOD for a relationship..but i can't bear to imagine him leaving me coz i'm fat.it scared me to death.i'm trying very hard to lose weight..but it does not happen overnight and its leading me to feel bad about myself. :(

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A female reader, cupidus Canada +, writes (21 March 2011):

cupidus agony auntYa, I wonder why he is so picky about his privacy.

You chill and cut him loose, you're open and talk about anything, he is a great pretender.

Boy, this guys ego must be in 7th heaven.

Do you want to give that to him?

Cut him loose and don't tell him why, he'll either leave you out of being caught red handed or he'll convince you she's nothing, which means you're nothing too.

If he needs a reason tell him you have no time for love because your hair is more important. Tell him anything trivial. He'll be confused and forever concerned that your hair was more important than his ego gratification.

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A male reader, Capri2 Argentina +, writes (21 March 2011):

If I were you, I would be EXTREMELY angry. And I would give a d*mn about how wrong it was to read the conversation. Because, in the end, he lied to you.

Of course this could happen with any other person. But this is the reason that makes me not to trust the ex-became-friend relationship. I don't accept my girlfriend having any kind of contact with her ex-boyfriend, period. Of course she could still do it at my back. But it would be very much difficult.

In you relationship you tried to play the let-have-an-open-relationship game, but you boyfriend ended up being "closed" about a little 3 am. detail. I have my own privacy in my couple and my girlfriend does as well. But it's very clear that we shouldn't use that privacy for cheating on each other.

So I guess you should tell him you want a break up. Because you found out this BIG lie and you won't stand that.

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