A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am just about to get married, and I am still a virgin. I just found out my future wife has had sex with a couple guys before me. I was hurt when i found this out...and still am...because I was expecting her to be a virgin too... I love her very much...but was it wrong for her to tell me this this far into the relationship when I told her before hand I was looking for someone with simalar vaules....Am I entitled to someone who has kept there Virginity when i have kept mine?
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female
reader, missnatd03  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 you say you love this woman and im sure she loves you but unfortunately times have changed and hardley any people actually wait to be married before having sex. but although i bet she wishes she could it is impossible for to change the past and that is exacly what it is and were it should stay. and also think of it this way every past experience (even the bad ones) has made this woman the way she is today and you should still love her even though you have found this out (,") hope i helped (",)
xox natalie xox
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): The concept of virginity until marriage has not existed for thousands of years because men are insecure.
It is something at some people actually VALUE, and you responders who refer to the poster's "insecurity" obviously have no respect for that.
There is a little more to remaining a virgin & wanting a virgin spouse than just fear & personal problems. If you don't grasp that, then how are you qualified to advise the original question here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): Something that my wife and I just thought of. We feel that she very much wishes that she had not done what she did and would not have done it if she could have known that she would meet you. We say this because my wife has always wished that she had not slept with many of the men if she would have known that she would meet and fall in love with a man who would love her and treat her as I have. Our situations are somewhat different, as I expected this divorced woman to have had a couple of partners in 3 years. I was just not ready for the number to be 10. I do agree that the mistake that your fiance made was to not tell you sooner. My wife started hinting at her past on our second date, but it was extremely difficult for her to actually tell me. It was so difficult for her to tell me not because she was afraid of loosing me, but because she was so unhappy with her behavior herself. Perhaps your fiance was not trying to deceive you, but just wishing that she had waited for you when she started to fall in love with you and couldn't allow herself to talk about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2008): I went through a slightly similar situation with my wife when we first met. We had both been married before to our only sexual partners at the time. She got divorced 3 years before me and had many more partners than I would have wished. Because of what I was taught in my youth and in my 20s by my family, she was an unworthy woman, basically a slut. She started to fall for me very early in our relationship and had to tell me about her past. I was hurt because I liked her a lot, but she was not the kind of woman that I wanted. However, I tried my best to accept her as she was.
We have been together for 28 years and married for 22 years. I have occasionally had recurring bad thoughts about her past and it has made me sad. However, you know what makes me cry anytime I think of it? What makes me the saddest by far is to think that I could have given up on this faithful, understanding, compassionate and wonderful woman because of her past that I didn't like. I think that you will be the saddest if you give up on her. You may never completely forget what she did, but you will hurt much more if you leave her.
p.s. I'm tearing up just writing this and so is my wife while reading it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): If you can still trust her, then you will be able to get pass this in time.
God will be there with you all the way.
Just believe.
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male
reader, GoVikings! +, writes (9 January 2008):
It is very very difficult to find a girl that has never done anything sexual with another guy. It doesn't justify the fact that she lied to you about it. But if you love her you will learn to overlook her flaws (even though that is a very big flaw) and move on with her by your side... or without her. I wish you the best of luck. Just remember that what happened in the past stays there. Be worried about your future.
Best of luck
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male
reader, JohnR +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Well tough call here. You are entitled to marry a virgin if that is important to you (I know it was important for me). That is not an issue. That is your choice completely, and don't let anyone chastise you for your morals and beliefs. The real issue here is that your girlfriend lied to you. Her sexual past became your business when your relationship turned serious. I'm saying a bf or gf needs to disclose sexual history on the 1st date, but when you're about to become serious (like living together, engaged, and such), then such history is very important. For her to wait until this late in the relationship would give me pause as to whether or not you can Ever trust her completely. Personally, I would dump her, not just because she had slept around, but most importantly because of the deceipt and lies. I would never ever be able to completely believe her ever again.
Good Luck.
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male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (8 January 2008):
Man i understand your worry and disappointment and probably expect everyone hear to tell you to leave her because she lied to you.Think through carefully.If she had told you her whole sex history,would you have even reached this stage of almost marrying? The truth is probably the 1st time you told her that you'd love to get married to a virgin freaked her out but she didn't wana lose you.Imagine yourself in her shoes,would you love to be rejected because of your past? Are you saying virgins should only marry virgins? You really need to deal with your insecurities as i know being a virgin makes you feel insecure with her.Sex doesn't make up a person's character so don't judge her based on her sexual past.Personally,i understand and would feel abit betrayed and upset if i were in your shoes but try looking at it from her perspective.Man if you can't handle it,it's best you split but if i were you i wouldn't because very few women tell the truth about their past sex lives.Imagine if she never told you at all and ended up hearing it elsewhere.
Take care.
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female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (8 January 2008):
 What she did BEFORE you was BEFORE YOU. Do you Love her? I really respect her COURAGE to tell you the truth about her past. You do want honesty in your relationship... don't you? Well, she obviously LOVES YOU VERY MUCH to risk telling you this. That is the type of love that sooo many people look for & can never find. Cling onto what you have, and be mature about this situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): I agree with those who say it's really an issue of lying.
Don't let people tell you that you have no right to hold out for this. YOU did your part of the deal. And that's by not only refraining from sex yourself, but also REFRAINING FROM GETTING INTO RELATIONSHIPS WITH THOSE WHO HAVE. That was another sacrifice that YOU made and now you've basically had it thrown in your face.
A lot of people responding here are saying right off the cuff that it's just your duty & problem to accept this, and that's pure bullshit. You may wish to accept this, but it's NOT your DUTY to do so. You were lied to for a very long time until you were emotionally TRAPPED into being the bad guy. Now you're the bad guy if you want to just stick to your own beliefs (which you've already sacrificed a lot for).
Suppose you had known all along that she had been sexually active in the past, and only gotten mad recently? Then their responses would be, "It was your problem to only date fellow virgins and it's not right for you to suddenly be angry at her now."
I think some of these responders care a little more about changing the culture's politics of virginity than in your personal rights & happiness. Most people don't make the necessary sacrifices for this particular belief and the result is that they do not respect your sacrifices.
Your decision.
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female
reader, xapathyxrebornx +, writes (8 January 2008):
 If you love her the fact she lost her virginity before you should not matter at all. She didn't know you would come into her life and want her to be virgin, shes still the woman you love remember that x
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 No one is "entitled" to marry a virgin. No one can "expect" a girl (or a man, for that matter) to be a virgin, because the other party was not "expecting" you to come into her/his life. And then, if you had an expectation she didn't meet, you can hardly hold it against her. When she had sex, she didn't know you would come into her life. By the way, sex before marriage does not make you bad, just as it doesn't make you good.
You seem to have your own values in very high esteem. I think good Birdy gave you a very good model to follow, in Joseph. By the way, wasn't it Jesus who spoke about he who was free of sin to throw the first stone?
I think you're blowing this out of proportion, and very, very much.
I agree with other posters: if you can't get over this, it's best if you leave her. I'm afraid you would make her life miserable. She doesn't deserve that, virgin or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): In my beliefs, it doesn't matter if a person has had sex, as long as they are faithful to you while you are together. Your fiance was very admirable to tell you the truth. Would it have been better to find out later or to never find out at all? And if you found out earlier, maybe you wouldn't be engaged now. Keeping this secret has probably been torturing her the entire time, with her wondering when it would be appropriate to tell you. And trust me, with a secret like that, you never seem to find quite the right moment to break the news. She told you before it was too late.
What you do know is that she's agreed to marry you, no matter what the sex is like. She likes you for the person you are, and wants to be with you forever. Everyone makes mistakes when they are younger - just look at all the posts on here about 14 year old girls wanting to have sex with their boyfriend of 1 month. Right now, your girlfriend is probably wishing she hadn't had sex, because all she wants is to get married to you, and she doesn't want her past to prevent this from happening.
You already said you love her, and if it is true love, you will be able to get past this.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 When I read the "entitled" part, I had to scroll up and check the country flag. I thought perhaps you had come from a country were women are chattel and the system is an extreme patriarchy.
If you feel this strongly about her virginity, it would probably be a mistake to marry her unless you can get past this.
I can only assume that the reason that she lied to you is that she already knew your views and loved you SO much that she couldn't bear to lose you over something that she could not change about herself, her past. She told you what you wanted to hear, under duress, worried over losing you. Although it might be a lie, it was not a betrayal, it happened before she knew you. It was something that if she could undo and wait for you, she probably would. Perhaps you should take into account the fact that she loves you and wanted to marry you AND was willing to take the risk and tell you now, before your marriage, which WAS the honorable thing to do.
It seems rather foolish to me to leave a relationship over something that is in the past and can't be changed. I suspect that if you really loved her, her virginity wouldn't matter one way or the other. I bet she's praying for that. If you'd like a great example of showing faith in a woman, remember that Joseph married Mary when she was pregnant by God, how believable was that? What an extraordinary man he must have been! He did it because he loved her and wanted to uphold her honor, not berate her because she was a fallen woman. I'm not a church-goer, but I think that is one example from the Bible that demonstrates the true mettle of a what a man should strive to become.
Frankly, as far as I can see it, you love her and it's obvious that she loves you. The shock of all of this will probably fade into the distance and eventually, I hope that you will realize that it's all meaningless in the context of what you have together. Best of luck with everything.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (8 January 2008):
You are getting some thoughtful and well-reasoned answers. Take the time to consider them and the reasoning behind them.
This is quite similar to the recent thread "She's had sex four times before and I need a virgin. What should I do?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/shes-had-sex-four-times-before-and-i.html. Most of my reply to that thread applies to your question - I won't repeat it here.
It took a lot of courage for your fiance` to tell you about her past experience. I hope you admire her for that. It was wrong for her to mislead you, or even withold the information, when she knew you felt as strongly as you do. I hope you hold her accountable for that.
These matters - not only her prior sexual activity, but also the way it came to your attention, and why she concealed it - have the potential for haunting your marriage for years or decades in the future. It might be best to scale back or even end your relationship rather than risk damage to your families, your children and yourselves in the future.
These matters may also lead to an even stronger commitment and a more loving marriage than you would have had otherwise.
(p.s. - I must take exception to one phrase in your question. I don't believe you are "entitled" to anybody's sexuality, not even your own. That is something shared between two people. OK, some say it can involve more than two - I'm not going to quibble over that now. My point is that it's an interpersonal gift. As both the giver and the receiver you have some say in whether it's a valuable gift or a commonplace gift. If you view it primarily as an entitlement it is no longer a gift but a transaction.)
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Hi,
I can see a future post in a few years here. We see them all the time they usually run along the lines of " My wife slept with other men before we were married and I can't get it out of my head"
You need to sort this out with her, do not pretend you are o.k with it if you are not otherwise the situation above could arise and you will just make everyone's life a misery.
What you need to do is discuss with her why she lied to you. Are you very judgemental about sex? Morals? Have you put her on a pedestal as the pure white virginal bride and she is too scared to admit the truth?
What I'm saying is there may be many reasons she didnt tell you the truth, a lot of which could be put down to just a little white lie which got out of hand - i.e at the start of a relationship you never expect this person will be the one you will spend the rest of your life with.
But I am of the view that when you meet the one for you , nothing short of infidelity in the relationship should get in the way of being together for the rest of your lives.
I would suggest if you feel you cant get over it , let her get on with her life and meet someone else, and good luck with finding another virgin. I dont mean to be dismissive but I feel if you have met that special person then you should be prepared to forgive and forget and work together as a couple for your future together. That's what relationships are all about - not about one's sexual history.
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A
female
reader, elliebellie +, writes (7 January 2008):
hi
first of all you need to remember that you love her.
i think you will have to let go of the fact that she isnt a virgin. i understand that you would feel hurt because she lied to you.
everyone is entitled to someone they love. some people lose the people they love. some people move on. you still have that woman of your dreams. but she is missing one quality: she isnt a virgin. i would try and let go.
it was wrong of her to tell you so far into the relationship and maybe you have some trust issues. i would ask her if there is anything else she wants to tell you.
i know being a virgin is quite a big thing because you want to lose it with someone you love, but maybe your wife to be made a mistake. maybe she didnt know she was going to meet someone who wanted to marry a virgin. everyone makes mistakes.
i hope this helps
mail me if you want to talk about anything else or want to discuss this topc further.
lol
ellie
xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Well, that really depends.
Did she ever say she was a virgin? And more importantly, did she have sex with them while dating you?
It might be a bit harsh to leave her just because of past mistakes (Especially because virginity can technically be lost many ways, including if she's ever masturbated and other relatively mundane ways).
I think what truly matters is if she wants to be with you and you only, not what she's done before you two got together.
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A
female
reader, lil_ love +, writes (7 January 2008):
dont worry about it.. just because she decided to lose her Virginity before you doesnt mean that she didnt want to tell you... Its just she didnt want you to leave her just because of that reason.... But if you really do love her than you should just let it go about her being a non-virgin.
I hope I helped.
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