A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Ok, this will probably be a little complicated. Both my girlfriend and I are middle aged, so, a little older than many of the people who post here. But, I could use some advice on a tricky issue. We had been dating for 1.5 years. I was going through the final stages of a divorce when we met. I had been separated for nearly a year when we started dating and my wife had moved out of state. The final negotiations took a little longer between us though as I helped her buy a house in another state and we are still good friends even though she never wanted to go through marriage counseling to save our marriage when there was still time. My girlfriend had been divorced for 7 years when we met and was really struggling financially. We became quite a couple though and we always had a great time together. She would often push me to complete the divorce though so that she would feel more comfortable being with me and I said that I would. She would also bring up the possibility of marriage with me. My ex-wife and I were still completing financial negotiations though and I didn't really tell my girlfriend about all the negotiations that were going on and I didn't really want to let her know about everything earlier in our relationship because I wanted her to love me for who I was and not because I could easily solve her financial problems. We kept a fairly low profile at first because my divorce wasn't yet complete. Her family (married children and grandchildren) knew about us, but didn't seem to have a problem outside of the fact that I wasn’t yet completely divorced. The issue with my girlfriend though is that she is rather impulsive and had been already married 3 times. Her impulsiveness has actually resulted in legal problems in the past as well, but she had managed to keep things under control for the past 6 or 7 years. Her most recent marriage was short (I believe less than a year) and he was found doing drugs of some sort and she didn't want to be around them again. Her first husband had mistreated her and she basically ran away from him after being married around 8 years. Her second marriage was rather long and she raised her children with him. They went through financial problems though as well as other hardships and parted as friends. I had come to realize that she could be impulsive, but I didn't realize how much until this past January. I thought everything was fine at Christmas, but I was wrong. Her mother who lives across the country in California knew of a widower who was basically interested in getting married again. He has two teen-aged daughters. I didn’t realize this, but she contacted my girlfriend and told her during November sometime about this widower. They met up together in Dallas during Thanksgiving (half-way between the two). Because she took time off from her job that she wasn’t supposed to have off, she was actually fired. (It was only a temp job that would have disappeared sometime within the next 4 – 6 months anyway, but it left her without any income.) During December, she was still fine with me and her children and didn’t say anything until after the first of the year. I helped her out financially with grocery money and such. After the first of the year, she told everyone that she had met this guy and wanted to investigate marrying him (she actually seemed quite certain that they would marry). She dropped out of the community college she was attending even though she only had one additional semester before graduating. Her adult daughter and son were extremely upset with her and especially her daughter vowed to have no more contact with her. She told me at much the same time and I told her that I had just filed for divorce and it would only take an additional 30 days or so. I pleaded with her to stay and after I told her the complete story, she told me to keep in touch with her by writing and that maybe things would change. I told her how much I loved her and that we definitely had a future together if she wanted it. Since I hadn’t told her all that was involved in my divorce, I’m sure she had felt that I was just stringing her along. She left with him though at the end of January. After she left, I met with her daughter and her longest term ex-husband who I had come to know. From them I learned that she had a history of doing things like this. She would pursue short term relationships with different men and had been known to disappear with little warning. I found out that her children (especially her daughter) had had a very bad childhood because of their mother. Her daughter was furious with her and has completely cut off all contact with her. She also says she no longer cares what happens to her mother. My girlfriend (the daughter’s mother) seems to have settled down somewhat as she got older and was every bit a good grandmother to her grandchildren but this episode seems to be a step back to how she was when she was younger. Her daughter was furious that her children now faced growing up knowing that their grandmother had run out on them as well and would not be in their lives. My girlfriend was insecure though and afraid of being alone the rest of her life. She was also continually under financial strain. Her ex-husband told me some of the problems he had had with her. They lived in Arizona at one time, but she had visited North Carolina and immediately wanted to move there. He sold everything, including a business, to bring her to North Carolina. He had even adopted and raised her children. The problem is that I still care for and love my girlfriend very much. She cut off contact with everyone including me when she left. I know I have surprised her by continuing to send regular e-mails and have also contacted her mother by mail in California through an address that I had for her as well as every relative of hers who I had met. I sent letters and even flowers to her mother’s address who is about 40 miles from where she is now living. I have since received two e-mails from my girlfriend. Both were short. The first one was when she had just left and she basically said we had just been friends even though we had certainly been more than this. I think she was basically angry at everyone at that time though and was simply escaping her life here. The second one was just last week when she asked me very nicely to not contact her mother and sister who I had also contacted since it was making them uncomfortable. She also said that she missed her grandchildren very much as I knew she would. She left open the possibility of my continuing to write to her. She also confirmed that she had married the man already. She had known him for only around 6 weeks and had only met him twice when they got married. She also hadn’t gotten to know the teenage daughters at all. I can’t believe anyone would marry that quickly, but I guess they did. I continue to write to her by e-mail every week. We had made a lot of future plans together and I would like to still do these with her. I know she felt I was probably just stringing her along and she mentioned before she left that even with my divorce, she had already been divorced 8 years and I would be just newly divorced. She didn’t think I would stick around. I love her very much though. I think she was just showing the lack of judgment again that she has shown many times in her life and that she will come to realize her mistake in time. The problem is, I have to believe her that she is married. Do I continue to e-mail her expecting this marriage to be short-lived or do I drop it completely? I miss her very much and would not hesitate to bring her back here. Her family here are all furious with her for having done this and basically have given up on her. They have said for me to do what I have to do though for closure. Her ex-husband has given the whole thing only a matter of months to last. I think her family feels that we would have been much better together although they are surprised at my attempts to stay in contact with her. The question is whether I should continue to attempt contact with her through e-mails for awhile longer or should I just give up and walk away. I guess she's married. I was simply devastated when she left though and am worried about her. She doesn’t answer every e-mail I send although I have found a way to be fairly sure that she is reading them. What do I do?
View related questions:
christmas, divorce, drugs, ex-wife, flowers, grandmother, her ex, insecure, money, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response Cindy. One thing I forgot to mention, is that even though I didn't share the details of what was happening in my divorce with her, during at least the last 7 months of our time together, I offered quite a few times to help her out with different expenses. After she lost her job, I was ready to help her more but she always turned me down except for grocery money from time to time. It didn't seem like she was really after money. It seemed more like she was lonely.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Hi
She's a lucky woman finding all these men who want to marry her,fall in love with her, I would love to know her secret
Just give up,she has a husband now.You should keep the contact with her daughter and ex to a minimum too.
I think you will find someone else,somebody who will appreciate you.
She knew your divorce was going through,she just chose not to stick around and jumped on the first available gravy train.
Enjoy being single for a while and one day........
...............................
A
female
reader, laure  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Frankly speaking,I'm only 22yeard old and I could clearly tell what's going on here,she's a gold digger,she was tired of waiting for your divorce&had moved to the other option,whom could support her financially&in every aspect..you can't blame yourself,she already took her decision,she chose the more compatible option,the widowed man,who'll be fully responsible to fullfill her every need,since he doesn't have a wife,she'll be the center of his attention..that's why she didn't even hesitate to get married to him,she found her tool to get what she wants,especially after she got fired from her job!Moreover,you can analyze her behaviour through her past relationships,she takes men as her victims&make them spend everything on her,just as she did to her ex husband,she made him sell everything in a blink of an eye!I believe she's either really pretty or she's really too smart,inorder for her to manipulate the men in her life..she'll usually make you feel like she was the innocent one who was mistreated,well that's just a self defense mechanism,to cover up her faults..Anyways,my advice for you is to let go&luckily for you things went that way,everything happens for a reason,don't regret anything,its just a lesson learned..
Best wishes :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 March 2013):
 Sorry, but you REALLY need to take of those rose tinted glasses.
When she met you and started dating you, she KNEW you were separated and NOT able to marry her anytime soon, yet she continued to date you til she found greener grass. Her and her mom must have a rather twisted relationship. My guess is that she was raised to try and find a rich husband. And that turned into any man would do as long as he had an income.
Even IF your divorce had been done faster, I'm not sure your relationship/marriage would have lasted very long. She thinks she can "do" much better (as far as husband material) then what is realistic.
I'm not even sure she is capable of loving one person fully , because she will always be on the look out for the BBD (bigger better deal).
I would stop the contact. You got lucky and dodged a bullet.
If the guy she is with doesn't work out she might contact you so she can use you while looking for husband #5. I would CUT the contact 100% and look for someone who wants to be with you for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response Cindy. One thing I forgot to mention, is that even though I didn't share the details of what was happening in my divorce with her, during at least the last 7 months of our time together, I offered quite a few times to help her out with different expenses. After she lost her job, I was ready to help her more but she always turned me down except for grocery money from time to time. It didn't seem like she was really after money. It seemed more like she was lonely.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Drop all contacts already ! You are looking for Trouble with a capital T and I don't see what you hope to accomplish even if she comes back to you. What do you want to be , her 5th temporary husband and financial sponsor ?
It sounds from your post that you feel guilty because you got together when you weren't legally free, things took longer than planned to get settled, and she MIGHT have lost hope that you'd stick around... but if you haven't lied, i.e. if you have told her the truth about your sttaus and just omitted technical and financial details that at that early stage were no business of hers anyway .... what she thought , hoped or feared are her problem and her choice. She was an adult and experienced woman when she met you, she DECIDED to be with a still married man, nobody forced her. She DECIDED to go meet the widower in Dallas when she was still dating you and letting you believe everything was fine between you- this also resulting in her being fired, and you having to shell out to fix her blunders ( nice touch, that . A class act ! ).
She did all she did with open eyes, and , pardon me, but, seeing the money struggles, and the mad rush to get an husband whatsoever, one can't help thinking that maybe she got tired of waiting for your divorce not out of moral or psychological issues, but simply because she wanted to make some cash FAST.
Regardless of that ,that maybe be just a malicious suspicion of mine, all the rest of the story is a train wreck waiting to happen, and, frankly, pardon me , but , at your age, you should know better.
...............................
|
