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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am a vey independent woman who likes a lot of space and I do not like being told what to do.I rarely see my own family as I am busy with my life and they with theirs.My husband comes from Egypt and would like me to go and live there but I don't see myself getting a minutes peace to myself and having to put up with an interfering family.I see him on Skype now and he is forever running around and providing for his family and he can't say no to them.I think I made a mistake in getting married to him as I don't think I can accept his culture and all the family involvement. I would prefer to go travelling this year with my own friends and he is annoyed about this but it is what I want, I work hard and I want a break,We have applied for a visa for him to come to my country but it has been refused and we are appealing so he is asking me to go there instead and says I will have a nice life and can get a teaching job!I am not happy about this at all, what's the best thing to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2017): I made the mistake of marrying an Iranian. He is 12 years older. He has made my world hell. His family never accepted me. He left me for someone younger. I have a child with him that he is now ignoring because of his interest with his younger acquaintance. GET OUT NOW!!!!!
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (24 May 2017):
 Why did you marry him in the first place?
How did you meet and how long did you date before marriage?
Not to be unkind, but surely you realised what kind of culture he came from and what would be "expected" of a wife?
How much do you actually know about him? Are you sure he doesn;t have other wives (legal in Egypt).
I agree with the others, are you sure he was not just using you to get a visa?
He is from a very male-dominant culture, and as such expects the woman to behave accordingly. WOmen do not have the same rights, and if you are from a western country (UK/USA) it will mean a massive loss of freedom if you go and live with him there.
If you want a divorce, make sure you set it in motion in YOUR country, because your opinion will not count in Egypt. There is also the issue of Sharia Law which could also put you into a very dangerous position should you go out there. It is a very very different world.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 I struggle to see why you got married in the first place when you want to live as a single lady, go travelling and be independent. Not really fair on your husband in fairness. Marriage is meant to be a life long commitment and not something you just give up on because you don't want to do something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2017): Hi,I am the original poster.Yes I met my husband in my own country and I thought he would remain here at the time. If I had known things would change I would never have married him.I have visited his country twice and I cannot cope with having no privacy etc especially from his mothers and sisters, and my husband is constantly at their beck and call. I can not change for them.I don't consider myself to be selfish at all, I have helped them enormously.Maybe my feelings aren't as strong anymore for my husband, he says he will be very happy if I go there to live but I know from my past experiences I will become upset and depressed. And when I am there my husband does change and treats me like I am non existent. Yet when I'm apart from him he can't leave me alone.I just don't see a future, even though yes he's good looking that is not enough for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2017): You are not in love with him. Have you considered that perhaps you were a means to an end, that is his opportunity to get a Visa?Do not go to his country. You may never be allowed to leave.Sounds like you want to remain independant and fancy free. While you feel that way you are definitely not yet ready for marriage. Your wanderlust is also still very active. Get that out of your system.It is time to bring this LDR marriage to an end.Put in place an Annulment. Speak to an attorney to get this done correctly and legally as soon as possible.Expect a explosive reaction from your husband when he finds out that your unconsumated marriage to your husband is to be annulled.Your husband will no doubt be thoroughly insulted, angry and outraged at the annulment.But it will set you free and allow you to get on with your life. And allow you to travel, meet more people, develop new relationships that give you joy and a sense of freedom and allow you to retain your independance.When you do have time to ponder then try to identify what you need and seek for a compatible happy fulfilling long term relationship.You most certainly should not have gone ahead with this marriage.You should have expressed your doubts earlier.You do not love this man, and for that reason alone you should not remain married to this man.You may find him interesting. Perhaps exotic and good looking.But looks alone will not keep a marriage going forever.He deserves to find a wife who will better suit his needs and his family and who will be less independant than you. Not that there is anything wrong with being very independant. It is just not what he is seeking in a wife.And he may prefer a wife who is more than willing to obey his every wish and command. Who will be happy to live in close proximity to his mother, his sisters and other relatives. You may have to endure much criticism by his female relatives until you are fully compliant to what they think is acceptable and normal to them and their culture.You may find that process stifling.You know that you are not a compliant woman who will allow all your independance to be discouraged.You are not a meek, mild and compliant docile woman. That is not you. No matter how dashingly good looking the man is, he is not right for you.Set yourself free with an immediate annulment and go on your vacation with your friends.PS and do Not provide him with any naked pix of yourself, no matter how often he asks. Since after the annulment he may be feeling so angry towards you that may have to suffer revenge porn, featuring your face, plastered all over the internet.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 First ,maybe you should think long and hard if you really want to be married with him- or if you really want to be married, full stop- regardless of the logistics , and of the culture clash.
I mean, I don't find anything strange in the fact that a married person may wish and decide to travel on their own, occasionally. But this generally happens when two people live under the same roof, share a bed,see each other daily- so being apart is an exception, not the norm.
But if he lives in Egypt and you live somewhere else, and if you work hard and have no time / chance for regular visits - then that precious few days that you can devote to your solo vacation are the very same precious few days that you could devote to be with your husband and, well, don't you MISS him ? Aren't you excited and eager to see him again, to do things and go places together, to make love with him ?.... If the answer is no, no rush at all, that can wait to.. whenever, then you DID make a mistake in getting married, I guess.
As for the cultural differences--@ Chigirl : I found interesting what you say ... because I both agree and disagree at the same time. In fact, I do agree that it sort of defies the purpose of getting married, if you marry and then you want to keep living as a single woman, because ( duh ) if you are married you are not single, and now you don't have anymore only yourself to please and to make happy, there's another person too.
But, in practice... it's complicated.
I don't believe for a sec that " love conquers all " and that just being married , or being in love, will / should make you overcome any practical obstacle.
When you get married, you don't only " take in " a person, you sort of have, if not to take in heartily, at least to adapt to a whole other world, his world, a world that's made of traditions, customs , people, relationships, and also physical places. Some times merging these different worlds is possible , some times is not - even if the person would make a great partner.
For example, ... let's take Norway , in honour of Chigirl :).
I visited Norway, and other Scandinavian countries, and I found the men there very,very attractive physically. Plus, I like that they become independent from their family very early. I like that they share without batting a lid house chores and child raising; I like their approach to social justice, and their love for the environment. I like that (most people, at least ) are polite,quiet and mild mannered . I like their respect for culture , and ease in learning foreign languages. Etc. etc. There would be so many charms in a Norwegian for me. In theory.
In practice, in the unlikely chance that some charming Norwegian tourist should be smitten by me , and wanted to marry me and take me to stay in his country- I'd have to say : thanks but no thanks.
I would not last 3 months in Norway. Great place for a visit , but living there , no. The weather would kill me. The long winter darkness would drive me totally nuts. I could not find almost anything palatable to eat. I don't like hiking,nor fishing, nor boating. And always seeing around me people dressed for comfort and practicality, rather than for elegance... would freak me out and break my Italian fashion-conscious heart :).
Same thing for our OP. Beside not being particularly inclined for marriage in general, from what she says she is not the type for Egypt. And let's leave aside any considerations about the restrictions imposed upon women in Islamic countries, which make Egypt not the best place to live for a woman, even less for a foreign woman. Let's not even get into that. Let's just say that , while all the cultures must be respected, not all can be EMBRACED or joined. It's something very individual, some persons can, in time, adjust, and some others just can't, - neither for love nor for duty.
Now, one would ask , well but why in the world did you marry an Egyptian if you can't stand Egypt and the lifestyle there ?...
I think ( it's just my guess, but a reasonable one ) that the plan, and the optimistic assumption, was that the guy was going to get his visa and reach his wife in the country where she lives. Because HE can ( and wants ) to live there, but not viceversa. But now that there's been a monkey wrench thrown in the machinery, I understand how the OP ( which perhaps married a bit impulsively ? ) feels she has screwed up and she's getting a different, and raw, deal. It's not exactly the same thing to live with an Egyptian husband in UK or USA or whatever- and to live with an Egyptian husband in Egypt. A whole other kettle of fish , which may make life too hard..
P.S. Reason for which, Chigirl, if you happen to know any mature Norwegian gentleman who does not mind to move to Italy, and to convert himself from birdwatching in the woods to peoplewatching from a sidewalk cafe' - send him my way, I am sure we 'll get along beautifully , HERE :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2017): Maybe it is time to draw the
line and set your husband free to find a suitably compatible wife!
If you know in your heart that it will drive you crazy trying to fit into a tightly knit family in a tightly knit community then start divorce proceedings.
Quite possibly the entire family will be resigned and relieved, and you can learn to trust your intuition and find a more suitable partner for yourself
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2017): Most countries under these circumstances allow the husband to join his wife in her country although it would take time and waiting for the neccessary formalities to finish but since you feel marrying him was a mistake I would say the best course of action is have the marriage anulled.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 May 2017):
 What's the best thing to do?
It's hard to say. You didn't put your own country of origin on so I can't even begin to guess how different your culture is from his.
But when someone starts to think they have made a mistake in the selection of their SPOUSE, I think they need to LISTEN to that doubt.
You two have NEVER lived together in either country? If not how did you get married?
And why get married to someone from a VERY different culture and religion in the first place? Especially if you never really WANTED to live in HIS country?
Personally, while I would LOVE to visit Egypt (as a tourist) it's not a place I would want to live in. I don't think it's a good place to live as a woman. As a foreign woman? even less. BUT again, I go by documentaries I have seen and articles I have read.
Maybe accepting defeat and getting an annulment is the way to go. OR, take the leap of faith you did when you said I DO.
ONLY you can know if it really WAS a mistake or not.
I just don't get why you would AGREE to go through with a MARRIAGE and then decide that you RATHER go travel with friends... Marriage shouldn't be taken this lightly.
BUT - DO what YOU feel and think is BEST for you. TALK to your friends and family. (if they even know about this).
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2017):
 Honestly? I think you are being selfish. Marriage is about compromise, not about your getting everything you want at the cost of your husband. He is already doing the best he can to go to your country, but the visa application was not approved. Then you should, as his wife, go to his country. You are making a lot of assumptions about his family and his culture. But come on, he has been part of his family and his culture long before he met you. It was there from the very beginning, and you STILL decided to marry him. If you didn't like his culture and family, you should not have married him. So now you are regretting it, because you didn't get things your way?
It's time to be an adult and start to take your marriage seriously. You can't get married and then start to complain about how your want your own space and be independent. You are NOT independent, you are married. You are two, now, not just you on your own. You need to base your decisions on what is good for the marriage, not just what is good for you.
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