A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is really tricky and I'd appreciate both male and female help with this. I've been with my lovely boyfriend who I care deeply for for two and a half years. When I met him he had model looks, a great body and I couldn't keep my hands off him. He's now 30 and over the two years, he's gradually put on weight and although he says he excersizes he never seems to lose any. His arms are as big as my thighs and his stomach looks really bloated all the time. He works in an office now and I think him sitting down all day has resulted in man boobs. I'm a very healthy person, I work out and eat healthy and although when I'm with him he eats well (because I cook) he ends up getting McDonald's and gets drunk with the work lads when I'm not with him and it's taking it's toll!I'm partial to the odd burger myself don't get me wrong, but it's as if he doesn't have any self control anymore. I love him, he's my best friend and he is a wonderful man but I find myself not as attracted to him as I was. I know people will say to me 'if you love him you'll love him unconditionally' and yes, I understand that. I've loved all his warts and all since I met him. But where it's different is I met a gorgeous model ambitious cheeky guy, and I'm now with an overweight boozy attention seeking boy. He plays play station - at 30 for goodness sake - all the time and never wants to work out with me. I've tried that tactic!I want to be with him because I love him but I just don't fancy him anymore, and I don't want to be in one of those relationships where we have sex once a week. Sex is really important to me but I'd be lying if I said i didn't sometimes I avoid it because I don't get turned on anymore with how he looks. I appreciate his neediness is probably because I pay him less attention but it's like a catch 22.He's a very sensitive guy and I need to approach this delicately - I don't want to hurt his feelings. But how can I help him?
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female
reader, Gwydion  +, writes (22 August 2012):
One thing to consider, if he hasn't done it, is to do a medical/blood test, which is straightforward and simple. Aside from lifestyle, sometimes there is an underlying medical condition which accounts for the weight gain, (which seems pretty severe from your description), lethargy (rather play console than work out etc).
That said, playing console at 30 is no biggie, we all do it :D
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): Chigirl thank you for your post - its offered me a lot and it's of comfort to know I'm not the only one who's felt this.
As for the men who posted, thank you for your opinion, but I assure you it's not for being self centred and shallow. The only way I can try and break it down for you is this: 2 years ago you met Megan Fox whose slowly morphed into Ruby Wax. I do love him and if I were as shallow as you've made me out to be I would have packed my things over a year ago. But if you had grown breasts I doubt your partners would be clambering to get you into bed.
However, thank you for suggesting that perhaps he is depressed at work or suffering from low self esteem. I have thought it a possibility before but he doesn't like to talk about work a lot. Perhaps I owe him more stability and affection so he feels he can talk to me; maybe he feels he can't. He used to
be incredibly ambitious and that's slowly faded so there must be something causing him to find comfort in a computer game! We still go out, we still have fun together and with friends so there must be something else
that's bothering him.
Thank you for everybody's input and all the recipes lol - but I already cook very healthy because I need to look after my body for my career. And perhaps that's a good way to approach it, that he should look after his body a little more too.
Thank you everybody for taking the time to reply.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 August 2012):
 The guys I have been with tend to put on weight during their relationship with me. I think this is down to a chance in diets, as they begin to eat the same as me, and maybe eat more as I am a decent cook. Maybe the same happened to your boyfriend. I don't put on weight, but most other people would gain a lot if they were to eat the same as me. I know you said you eat healthy, but different body types need different diets. What do you eat? Could you perhaps change your own diet? He probably gains weight a lot faster than you in general, in addition to eating junk food. A hamburger in itself doesn't really make you fat, it's the amounts of food he eats that make him fat. If he's having 3 dinners a day when you only have one dinner then naturally there's going to be a difference, regardless of what it is he eats. So try to not make this about hamburgers, and instead focus on the real issue here: he's gaining weight and it MIGHT be down to him over-eating and not working out enough to burn all the calories. Say might, because the last thing you want to do is frame him and corner him.
"'if you love him you'll love him unconditionally" Oh BS. People who say that either have no eyes or actually like man boobs. But I never met a woman who was attracted to moobs. It's one thing to accept that they are there, but show me the woman finds it attractive.
Tell him the blunt truth and don't beat around the bush. I was with an overweight man who convinced himself he wasn't that fat, and I tried hinting and approaching it gently for over a year. Doesn't work. You got to just say it as it is, or break up. You're not going to be happy in the relationship if you stop finding him attractive. You know that, and he knows it too. He's just in denial. Shake him up and say it like it is, just be nice. Say "Sweetie, you know I love you, but we need to talk. It's come to the point where I have to say it like it is. I don't want to, but I have to. You've gained weight. You're not the man you used to be. If this continues, I worry for the future of our relationship. I want a relationship where we are both active, both eating well. I want a boyfriend who takes care of himself. I can accept that you've gained weight, I still love you, but you're gaining weight fast. It's just been two years, and I worry about your life style and where this will end up."
Start it off with something like that perhaps. Be prepared for him acting out and getting angry/upset/mad at you. But he needs to hear this.
" Sex is really important to me but I'd be lying if I said i didn't sometimes I avoid it because I don't get turned on anymore with how he looks."
You got to tell him. You're not saying it to hurt him, you're saying this because you CARE about him, and you WANT to be with him. Remind yourself of that, and remind him of that as well. If you didn't care about him, and if all you wanted was a hot body and nothing else, then you'd dump him and be with someone else. The reason you have to talk to him about this is because you care about him. Make sure he knows that. Make sure he knows that you're not interested in someone else, and you don't want anyone else. You want him, but you also need to be physically attracted to him, and his current life style isn't attractive.
Imagine if he was working out a lot, ate healthy, was active and not playing Playstation so much... even if he was chubby he'd still be a lot more attractive to you then. So it isn't just about the weight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): There was an agreement prior to marriage that if he couldn't see his penis when he looked down, I didn't want to see it either. LOL that seemed to keep things up if you know what I mean. It was kind of a joke but it also made the point that blubber isn't sexy. Take pictures of him -- he may not know how flabby he's getting -- and put them up next to ones where he's in decent shape. It might work it might not but it will show him in no uncertainty that he needs to back off the beer and chips. Set a timetable for when you want to see improvement and if he's getting worse not better then decide if you will be happy with his lack of care for his own health when you mental deadline approaches.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 August 2012):
 My very skinny fiancé is not so very skinny now… He’s gained (and so have I) about 30 pounds in under two years. Granted both of us needed to gain about 10 but now it’s over the top…
I can’t work out now due to my bad back and I miss it. I’m 52 and I love my games. Fiance is 39 and he loves his… so we play games. And he EATS lousy…. And he feels CRUMMY
But it’s a sociological fact that happy content people (i.e. a study done with newly married men) tend to gain weight… so his weight gain shows he’s happy and content with your life together.
Have you TOLD him “I love you but your belly puts me off and btw did you know that it makes your penis smaller?” (it does) and you can’t worry about his feelings.
IF you are not attracted to him, he’s hurting and he knows it… telling him why is honest not cruel.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): Quit whining-my goodness some of you women are so boring. Simple, is he worth the effort? If so...lead by example. Talk to him...tell him how you feel. Let him explain himself. Then compromise on a satisfying solution. If he is unwilling to budge then you can let him know that his behavior is exactly why you are ending the relationship.
But truthfully you sound like you are being quite self-centered and shallow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): I must admit that when I first read this question, it struck me that the poster was being very shallow.
How much weight has your boyfriend put on? Has it been very gradual over the last couple of years or is it something that's happened over six months? Has he changed his job from something manual to something more sedate?
If he's used to doing a physical job and eating what he likes, he's going to pile on the pounds doing an office job.
All you can do is to approach him and talk to him. Tell him that you're worried about his weight gain and what it's doing to his health. I wouldn't tell him that you're not as attracted to him as you were. I wouldn't start trying to make sure that he eats healthily, he's an adult, it's his choice. By all means offer to go to the gym with him or cycle or whatever, but he might be very self concious of his fall in fitness and not want to look a failure in front of you.
You say that he's very sensitive, it might be that he's unhappy at work or worried about something and he's comfort eating.
If he doesn't change it's up to you if you want to leave him. Just remember, everybody changes as they get older. Our bodies change, we become less active, our joints ache etc. I do wonder what people's opinions would have been if a man had posted this to say he didn't find his partner attractive. She hasn't lost the baby weight, she's got stretch marks, cellulite or whatever. Physical appearance is only one aspect of what you find attractive in a person and it's always going to chnage as people get older.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 August 2012):
 You could get the box work out set - Insanity. And you two can work out together. Pretty sure he will puke the first few days of exercise if he is really that out of shape, but I don't know many guys who would admit defeat.
And I think Abella is right, he should go get checked out. If he has suddenly gone that overweight it can be really unhealthy. Diabetes, bad cholesterol and so forth. I would be honest and tell him that you are worried about it.
Gt him out of the house on week ends. Hike, go to places that involves a LOT of walking.
You have been with him for 2 1/2 year, you should be able to be honest. Specially about the sex.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (21 August 2012):
 I can totally understand your situation cause one of my best friends went through the same and she would think she is a horrible person for not being attracted her boyfriend(now husband)..its a phase where men finally find the girl of their dreams and don't care anymoreFirst off you can approach this issue saying your worried about his weight,and how it's going to affect his health.cut on all the junk you can do this only by making him promise you..start a healthy diet chart and make sure he eats that,even if you have to pull him by the leg lol take him to the gym or make sure he works out!Tell him how your going to stand by him and help me come out of this phase..and you can take him back to flashback show him pictures of his old self show him how gorgeous he was,motivate him to lose weight..!Good luck x
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 August 2012):
 Also before you start get him to have a check up for his health at the Doctors. He may be surprised to find out his cholesterol level and his level of good fat and bad fat. The Doctor can really put it to him straight on the risks to his health by staying over weight.
Alcohol adds in so many calories.
Ask him to meet your straight after work to buy ingredients for the evening meal. Flirt with him and have fun while he assists to help prepare the meal. Make it enough fun and he may find dinner for two is so much more fun than drinking with his friends.
And attention? Give him your undivided attention. Get a sexy DVD of someone showing him how weights help him build his strength and muscle burns up more calories than fat. The suggested weights will not bulk him up as they are too low-weight to do that.
Maybe even hire a personal trainer for the first week to help show him how important it is to warm up and stretch before he exercises. And how important it is to cool down and stretch at the end of any exercise.
And if he does not mind swimming encourage him to find a all year open inside pool where he can swim 100 laps a week to add to his exercise regime.
And pack him his snacks and lunch each day - vary it regularly - but he can still eat a lot.
Make up tiny one serve no calorie jellies and include one for a snack each day . They taste great but look like a real jelly.
Then for lunch make it low calorie and healthy.
Vary it daily. But for instance:
He can eat a large salad of mixed vegetables with one boiled egg slice across the top. Plus a fresh fruit salad.
For a second snack a small can of baked beans and one slice of wholemeal bread.
If he still gets hungry you can add in a small thermos to hold two cups of the low calorie soup. He will NOT be hungry.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 August 2012):
Tell him how much you want to go back to the days when you could really admire his butt. Tell him you want those days back. There are a range of options.
He needs to start working out at home with some simple at-home weights. You can make a set of weights by filling up two large drink bottles with water and fasten the top very well. Then fill two more bottles with damp sand. Once again secure the top very well. There you have two sets of weights. He can sit on a bench at home and do the weights.
Then for walking do the same with smaller drink bottles. These smaller weights are to carry when he is walking.
Buy him a pedometer and get him aim for 10,000 steps a day.
Get yourself a pedometer and walk with him at weekends. See who reaches 10,000 on the Saturday and on the Sunday. When the weather gets colder then hire a treadmill for him to use while he watches the television.
Better still encourage his friends to join him in a work challenge through the Global Challenge to get the world walking. Once he gets his work colleagues involved and his friends then they will all want to challenge each other to meet the 10,000 steps and will have less time to go drinking. Alcohol really adds the pounds.
http://www.gettheworldmoving.com/what-is-the-gcc
And see below how inspiring it can become to do this extra walking.
http://gscobb.wordpress.com/
If he needs extra motivation then ask him to read the following on why too much extra weight is so dangerous on a man.
http://www.weightwatchers.co.uk/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=22441&sc=808
And show him what an absolute HOT hot hot guy if he sticks at this.
http://www.menshealth.com/weight-loss/
Then check out what else you can do to make the cooking at home so good that he will no longer want to eat greasy salt and grease laden convenience food.
Make sure there is always a healthy vegetable HOME MADE soup at home. Encourage him to eat it for a filling snack. Recipe at the very end below.
And check out some more healthy recipes below. The site below is free. I was annoyed that so many sites about weight loss want you to ‘sign up’ for their program. So I looked further afield for this one
http://www.healthyfoodguide.com.au/
Ingredients for Easy any time low calorie soup
2 Finely sliced brown onions/ slice into thin slices 1 Leek stalk (discard the upper dark leaves)/ finely dice the skin of one green and one red Bell Pepper or Capsicum / dice 6 fresh tomato/1 Dice a whole bunch of celery and use every part and all the leaves except for the base/ slice up one cup of fresh green beans / grate up one pound of carrots/ finely grate one teaspoon of ginger / finely grate the zest (outside skin) of one lemon/ finely chop one bunch of parsley/ two cans of crushed tomato / two cartons of liquid vegetable stock – not the cubes as cubes are too salty / 2 cups water/
Method:
Lightly spray a non-stick pan with spray oil and sauté two large brown onions and one leek stalk sliced into thin rings. (discard the base and the upper coarse green part of the leek stalk) plus the finely dice the capsicum skin (do not let any seeds in or soup will be too hot).
Remove from the heat once the onions and leek etc. have softened and are glistening. Use NO other spray except the light spray of spray oil you used at the start. NO extra oil/NO butter etc. Remove from the heat.
Into a very large saucepan add in the sliced/diced/grated other vegetables: the chopped tomato, diced celery – leaves and all, sliced green beans, top with the onion and leek etc. mix that you sauté earlier.
On top of that add the grated carrot and the grated ginger and the grated lemon zest and the chopped parsley.
Now top all that with the two cans of crushed tomato and the two cartons of liquid vegetable stock (NOT cubes) The liquid vegetable stock will already have some pepper and salt in it so no need to add more at this point.
Bring the large saucepan to the boil. Then turn the heat down and let it simmer while you stay near to check it regularly and add a little more water if you need to.
Simmer it until the vegetables are tender.
He can have a snack of this soup any time he wants a snack.
If he likes a hotter tasting soup then a teaspoon of Sharwoods Mild Curry POWDER will spice it up a little more.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 August 2012):
 Hi
He doesn't sound appealing but then alot of men like boozing,junk food and a Playstation. What your now seeing is him out of the honeymoon period,the real him. He has you now, why does he need to bother? Maybe you being fit n healthy,going to the the gym etc makes him feel inferior too.
What he needs is some motivation to change.Try different tactics,show him photos,with you,of how he was before,tell him he had the body of Beckham! Try in a round about way to find out if he has any problems,or pressure at work.Suggest he gets a bike so you can go out together on them or he could cycle to work.
Or just simply say that he doesn't turn you on as he is and its time to change as it is now a problem for you,which it is.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (21 August 2012):
 It sounds like his priorities have changed during the course of your relationship together.
He might be eating alot etc because of deep down emotional issues you are not aware about.
He needs support through this,
1. accept him for how and who he is
2. you can explain delicately how eating so much junk is not really healthy in the long run for his heart
3. explain that you like the sex life how it was before, and regular when he was more fit and active
those are not bad things to say,
health and fitness are definately inter linked.
Goodluck
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