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I should have listened to my mum's warning about this man

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 July 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 27 July 2015)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have let my Mum down by my actions the past while.

I met a older man at work, he was always helping me and being friendly. The man has a wife so I always thought he seen me as just work-mate.

After working there a while I had saved up enough to get my own apartment, and when I moved in, my work-mate was always offering to help which I was happy to let him do.

My Mum kept telling me to tell him no, I have my Dad for that and he should be going home to his wife.

This always ended up in row, because honestly I had no interest in him like that.

Last night he was here to finish things off in the flat and he tried to kiss me, I pushed him away honestly I wouldn't cross that line, he said, I'm not showing him enough gratitude. Then tried to grab me again. I said no and he left saying, well I'll send you the bill then, think on it.

Sat crying most of today. What do I do? My Mum was right about him but is hardly speaking to me as I wouldn't listen. Everyone at work knows I was more than happy to have him over, then if he does send me a bill, can I afford it. Just a mess, what can I do, other than what he clearly wants, I wish I listened to my Mum because I really need her now.

View related questions: at work, moved in, older man

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (27 July 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntCall mom and say "you were right, I learned something" and keep on going. Mom will be fine.

as for idiot older man... IGNORE him. LET HIM send the bill... then he can take you to court for payment. He will have to admit that his plan all along was to try to get you to sleep with him out of gratitude...

what a jerk he is.

stay strong.

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A female reader, mrspiggy United Kingdom +, writes (26 July 2015):

mrspiggy agony auntTalk to your mum. Honestly she doesn't care about being right, she was just looking out for you. She'll be happy to talk.

Ignore this man for now. If he tries anything else then tell him that you are willing to take this up with your supervisor/the police/his wife. X

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2015):

Take good heed of the advice given or your place will become this guys crash pad.He tried his luck, thats all. You did not havee a contract for sex for favours.He indicated he was a friend trying to help you,then tried to take advantage of you.Good for you for getting out of that predicament or you would be done the police yard reporting a rape and needing a coourt case to put him behind bars.Can you imagine what a sleaze ball he would look in the eyes of the law? As for his line of it was for either sex or money...well i think the whole court would laugh in his face ..


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2015):

Well,it is a shame that you couldn't just be friends as he initially claimed to be. I suppose he is much older?

I don't want to be ageist, but in my personal experience,I have found some older men to be hugely manipulative.

Not all,some,so I wonder if they have always been like this and it just got worse with age,but still,it's impressive + shocking at the same time.

Anywas:"You get the bill".

For what exactly? A "friend's" favours? Some friend!

You owe him squat.

He must have convinced you that this is what you NEED to do. I don't know how he achieved that,but again the fact that he achieved to convince you that he was in the right and you were in the wrong.

Report to HR in case that they are instances of intimidation at the workplace (they can't do anything outside the workplace, that's the police's job), get a new number and distance yourself from him.

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A female reader, deirdre Ireland +, writes (26 July 2015):

The previous posters have given great advice. What a nasty piece of work this man is. You couldnt have knows what his true intentions were. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that if he is to harrass you or contact you in any way again, that you will be speaking to the appropriate person (s) at work. Im sure his wife wouldnt be happy to hear this either, and if he has half a brain he will stay well away from you since he has much to lose if you inform either party.

Dont be afraid to report him at work if he causes any more trouble for you, in fact it might be a good idea to inform the manager/human resources that you do not wish to have contact with him because of this incident. In that way, they will have the background story if this man further intimidates you. You owe him nothing, monetarily or otherwise. Good luck and stay safe x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2015):

Deary me, this guy is a slimeball!!! As the other aunts have said, you owe him nothing. If he tries to bully you into doing anything you don't want to do again, get higher authorities involved.

As far as your mum situ goes... I would firstly get a nice cup of tea and something nice to eat, and tell her you are lucky to have her.

Tell her that you are sorry for not listening initially, but on the same token remind her that this experience has been an enlightening (if crap) one.

I'm a teacher and firmly believe that unless you make mistakes yourself you don't learn in quite the same way as when someone simply tells you.

Learning is a lifelong journey, and we all have to make errors in judgement in order to become more vigilant to nasty pieces of work like this guy!

I'm pretty sure that after telling her how much you appreciate her and her wisdom your mum will be fine :) she's only wanting the best for you, even though it might come out in a bizarre way.

I wish you all the best, good luck! :)

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (25 July 2015):

Eesh. I would seriously consider telling your superiors about this, and if he makes an ounce of trouble for you at work then I definitely would.

Hopefully your mom snaps out of it. You are young and young people have a long history of needing to learn their own life lessons the hard way. You are not the first!

Have you called her and started off the conversation with "mom, I should have listened to you and I really need your advice now"? That might be a good opener.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (25 July 2015):

Ciar agony auntLook, don't be paying any bloody bills. There was no contract, verbal or otherwise, about any kind of payment. If he wanted a reward he should have made that clear from the beginning. Do NOT even fret about that.

Second, if he says anything more your response could be along the lines of 'Unwanted sexual advance toward colleague while married equals consequences. Think on it'

Whatever self doubts you feel, put on a brave face. As long as he believes you're worried about being fair, being nice, and not hurting anyone, he'll have you over a barrel.

It should go without saying that any friendship you thought you had with this man is OVER. Be strictly professional with him, calm, confident, matter of fact and totally unapologetic.

He may back track and try to pretend it was all a harmless joke and that you're over reacting. Do NOT get into any explanations or discussions with him. He is a colleague only from now on. Nothing more.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (25 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYOU DO NOT OWE him sex or sexual advances because he CHOSE to help you.

He can't all of a sudden bill you, when he hasn't discussed costs or time with you.YOU two do not have a VERBAL or WRITTEN agreement of payment.

The guy is a disgusting piece of filth hoping to manipulate you into sex.

So STOP having ANYTHING to do with him, work or at home, maybe even consider having your locks changed. IF he shows up, DO NOT let him in. CALL the Police.

IF he actually sends a bill ( I doubt he will) YOU might HAVE to consult with a solicitor.

If he mentions the "bill" again, mention that you might just call his wife.... THAT might shut the heck out of him. OR go talk to HR IF he starts behaving in an inappropriate manner at work.

HE thinks he has the upper hand. He has no RIGHT to do what he is doing.

THEN call your mom. Tell her that you are sorry for not listening before, go see her, have a good cry. Mom's aren't always right, but we DO have a lot more life experience than our kids.

Hopefully you learned a lesson here. THERE are people out there who will take advantage OF you. They will "offer" help, but have strings attached, remember not everyone will help you for nothing. (still doesn't mean that you owe ANYTHING to this guy).

HE is DISGUSTING and I wish there was something you could do, but I'm not sure if there is (expect talk to a solicitor) ( maybe try citizen's Advice?)

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (25 July 2015):

smeedle agony auntOk time to get this into perspective, this bloke knew what he was doing when he offered to help you, he had an agenda and he was just waiting for the right time to make the move.

He cannot send you a bill as he offered to help, he didn't give you a quote for the work or inform you he wanted sexual favours for payment.

You have done nothing wrong and im sure his work colleagues would not like it if you told them what he wanted in return for doing jobs for you and neither would his wife so keep that ace up your sleeve. If pushed tell him you will reveal his secret to all!!

Now lesson is learnt that your mum knew best and had a gut feeling about this bloke, some good mums often have feelings about such things without actually knowing and your mum did so next time listen!!

You need to build some urgent bridges with your mum, take her some flowers or invite her to your flat for a meal, tell her your sorry you didn't believe her and tell her she was right and explain what happened, your mum will give you advice and she will be in your corner if this dirty bloke does try to send you a bill or make your life difficult.

Get a grip of your emotions and get on with contacting your mum and moving on - make sure you inform this bloke that you don't want anything from him and other than work you will not be communicating with him. If he gets nasty then tell him that you will tell people what he did.

good luck but get on with contacting your mum today as she will support you in moving forward.

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