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I only lied to avoid a fight. She's aggressive and doesn't trust me. Should I break if off with her?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2011) 16 Answers - (Newest, 26 December 2011)
A age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm an insurance agent by trade and I sat down with one of my girlfriends friends. I sold her a policy. But recently my girlfriend called her up, and asked her if anything is going on between us.

I think it's inappropriate, along with her constant accusations of me being interested in other woman. She even started to push me around and has slapped me a few times. What do you think? Should I end it? I want to.

She says she can't trust me because I lied to her once. But I lied to avoid a fight, and to avoid her constant jealousy.

Please help

Thanks

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

That response was from me, but for some reason the website didn't verify it as me.

Anyways, I don't have contact with her family, I just had creeped on her facebook. Its been a few weeks now, and her new boyfriend has taken her too the states for Christmas.

She seems so happy, yet I am saddened that she acted that way towards me, now apparently is in love. I am not going to creep on her facebook anymore, but would like to know how can she go from acting so insecure with me and so happy with this guy?

Makes me feel like as if it was my fault.

Any thoughts, comments would be appreciated.

Thanks

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011):

I don't have contact with her family. A friend of mine showed me her sisters and her profile off Facebook. I don't know why, but he did. According to that she goes on and on how happy she is.

I'm confused because it doesn't make sense. She was miserable with me. She would sit there for hours putting herself down and then pushe me around then started to slap me.

How can she go from that to being in love??

I've read some where very insecure people will jump into new relationships quickly. Just makes me feel I meant nothing to her.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (22 December 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntSounds like she is insanely unstable in terms of relationships and the new guy sounds about the same. It’s not his place to determine your relationship with her. That should be between you and her. Sadly for her she was probably going to be better with you but she made her choice and she’s got to live with it.

Why in the world do you have contact with her family? (I ask because as a newly divorcing woman I have contact with my EX husband’s family and it makes me dreadfully uncomfortable even though we are having one of the friendliest divorces you have ever seen)… you were dating her not married to her…

Why are you confused about her feelings? I can see being HURT… I can see being ANGRY but confused? Nope that I don’t see… How can she go from mistreating YOU to being IN LOVE with someone else? What does ONE have to do with the other?

Do not expend too much emotional energy on this.. if the stuff you wanted to get back is not irreplaceable let it go…. Block this woman from your life, she’s not a good influence or a healthy relationship….

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well, here is an update as to what happened. I took your advice and broke up with her. I quit talking to her for about 8 days, when I called to get the rest of my stuff, some other guy answered and said "You're done!" Apparently he already has moved in.

Her family says she's in love. Now I am really confused, how can she go from treating me like that, to being in love??

Oh well, just saddens me, because I do care, but I refuse to be mistreated. Any thoughts??

Thanks

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (30 November 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI hit my boyfriend ONCE and felt horrible about it. THERE IS NO EXCUSE for violence. I told him I will NEVER raise my hand to him in anger again and I have not and will not.

Abuse is abuse and I hate that women get a free pass so often when they hit men... it's STILL ABUSE and it's STILL WRONG.

fool me once shame on you

fool me twice shame on me.

giving someone ONE last chance is a good thing in my opinion because people do grow and change... but she's done it more than once...

Jealousy is not a positive emotion. it's an emotion rooted in insecurity.

You THINK you want to be done... you need to KNOW you want to be done with this one.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank-you, that's what I was looking for.

Thank-you

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (30 November 2011):

Ciar agony auntYou're welcome. I added that other response before I saw your follow up.

Best of luck.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (30 November 2011):

Ciar agony auntAnother thing...contrary to what she tells you, she trusts you completely. She trusts you not to tell others what she's been up to. She trusts you not to smack her back or call police. She trusts you to stay with her no matter how unreasonable she is or how badly she treats you.

She uses the 'trust' card to paint herself as a victim and to guilt you into submission.

You have been twisting yourself in knots trying to live up to what she claims is fair, but she is not really interested in being fair. She is only interested in getting what she wants. She treats you well on a good day, not because SHE is good, but because things are going her way at the time.

If all the men she tormented before you had kicked her to the curb the minute she stepped out of line, you two would have been so much happier together.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Wow!!! Such excellent advice, Ciar. That's what I was thinking, but didn't have the courage to admit it. Thank-you all of you.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (30 November 2011):

Ciar agony auntAssault, abuse, call it whatever you like, it's still a crime. Just because you don't have any bruises or broken bones does not mean this should not be taken seriously. It certainly would be if you were the one smacking her. Besides, who is to say it won't escalate over time?

Stop trying to reason with her. It's a sign of weakness which only enrages her and makes you an easier target. She doesn't need to understand or agree with you. She just has to keep her damn hands to herself and behave properly.

You would have been justified in dumping her after the very first time she put her hands on you. This sort of thing must be nipped in the bud. You don't give violent, combative people opportunities to escalate. The only way to stop this is to implement a zero tolerance policy.

Your girlfriend is no different from any other bully. She does what she does because it gets her what she wants and there have been no negative consequences for her. The only way she will stop is when she sees that you are psychologially tougher than she is and that she will pay dearly if she ever steps out of line.

If she begs you to stay and promises to change or seek help, don't even consider taking her back until AFTER she has sought help and AFTER she has changed. And don't hesitate to dump her again, permanently if she so much as raises her voice in anger. Do not apologize. Do not be sympathetic. Do not try to be 'fair'. Do not try to convince her of how reasonable your stance is.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Physical Abuse? Are you serious? I didn't think it was that bad. I told her hitting me was wrong and unacceptable. She apologized, but unfortunately did another time after. Every time I try to reason with her, she comes up with something I've done in the relationship to cause this. I'm so confused.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (30 November 2011):

Ciar agony auntYes, end it. End it now.

Her behaviour is abusive and domineering. With this type of person you're damned no matter what you do. She's using your lie (to avoid the fight) as an excuse to try to control you and using abuse as a means to do it.

This is a no win for you.

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A female reader, Ampersand Canada +, writes (30 November 2011):

Ampersand agony auntHer slapping you is physical abuse, I don't think a partner should ever lay their hands on you, regardless of gender...to me it's a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship or an unstable partner.

When you feel the need to lie over something so minor because you know she's going to blow it out of proportion, it's a sure sign that it's time to leave! A healthy relationships involves, trust and honesty.

It's very hurtful and degrading to be accused of cheating when you are completely innocent, you deserve an honest and open trust and you obviously aren't going to get it with her...

You want to leave because you're simply not happy, and who would be under such circumstances - you don't need anyone's permission or understanding as it's your life, do what feels right for you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yea I guess you're right. I just keep wondering if I brought on this jealousy because my ex called me one day and asked me to come to a bbq. I lied to my gf who was sitting right there. I feel bad, but I know how she reacts about even the minutest things. Even a text message to a female acquaintance causes her to be suspicious.

Maybe I just feel guilt about lying. I don't know.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2011):

If you want to end it, then definitely yes you should end it.

You have good reason to want to end it. She's abusive. This behavior never gets better with time, only worse. every time she hits you or goes postal on you it strengthens that tendency in her to do it again with less and less provocation next time.

If she so supposedly can't trust you, then the right thing for her to do is to break up with you not to hold on to the relationship and keep punishing you. So dont' accept her "you lied to me once" reason to give her the right to continue this.

(I always thought that insurance policies should take into account whether someone has an abusive partner because that can certainly lead to injuries and damaged property)

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A female reader, Claraw1 Australia +, writes (30 November 2011):

Claraw1 agony auntI agree you want to end the relationship, so that's what you should do. It is not ok for her to slap you, and what will she do next. She doesn't trust you and she won't trust you because she has issues. You want to break up with her, and for that reason you should. Also her slapping you could escalate into more violence and YOU DON'T DESERVE that treatment from anyone.

Take care and good luck.

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